Previously by Prof. Justice: Holiday Correctness, Terminate Tookie, Fire & Hire, Democrats' Investment in Defeat, Dubya Not So Dumbya.
STATE OF THE OBSTRUCTOCRATS (EDITED)
Good evening. I am pleased to report that the state of our obstructionist party has never been brighter. Highlighting our many achievements this past year is our success in branding the Bushies and their associates as corrupt, incompetent, racists and bigots who only care about rich, white, Christian, Republican males. The fact that both of the President’s Secretaries of State have been black, the current one being female, is irrelevant. That is, of course, as long as we continue to claim that they, like Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas, are not “real black people” because they don’t dress like hipstuhs and act like gangstuhs.
As for the economy, we’ve had a very tough hurdle. The fact is that the President took office with an economy headed toward recession. Since then, productivity has grown an average of 3.5 percent per year, inflation has remained low, and unemployment, which now stands at 4.7 percent, has dropped. Even more problematic is that the events of September 11, two wars and two disastrous hurricanes neither hurt the economy nor exacerbated recovery. Yet, home ownership is at an all-time high. In fact, the economy has been doing so well, the Federal Reserve has steadily raised interest rates to preserve it. Until recently, we’ve been able to focus on the lack of job growth as shoestring evidence that the economy is actually tanking, but with the recent creation of several hundred thousand jobs, it is necessary for us to change tactics. Now, we’ll be forced to argue those jobs are menial. Regardless, I remain hopeful that by the end of Bush’s presidency, we’ll have succeeded in spinning his economy as the worst since the Great Depression.
Perhaps our greatest achievement this year was the defeat of the President’s Social Security reforms. Had we lost on this issue, the foundation of our party would have been reduced to rubble. For nearly three quarters of a century, we remained in the majority by incessantly clamoring how Republicans don’t support it and want to throw old people on the street. One of our best slogans came back in the nineties when we said GOP stands for “Get Old People.” To lose on this issue would be the embarrassment of embarrassments. I am well aware that Social Security has four trillion dollars of unfunded liability and must therefore be reformed. Otherwise, there will come a time when it will either be bankrupt or be restricted to distributing a mere fraction of today’s benefits. Sure, private accounts would help, if even for a small portion of the funding, but then we’ll have less of our fellow Americans’ money to spend. That is precisely why, despite being a shameful display of pure partisanship, your wild applause in response to President Bush’s statement that Congress failed to pass Social Security reforms last year was magnificent. Yes, toward the end of President Clinton’s term we publicly acknowledged that the system needed to be fixed. So, to avoid the appearance of being portrayed as flip-flopping hypocrites, we must prevent the passage of any reform bill until we regain the majority in Congress. Then, we’ll be able to implement a feasible and efficient solution: Increase FICA withholding and cut benefits. And we’ll be able to blame it on the Republicans.
But without a doubt, our most successful campaign to date has been the relentless drumbeat that Bush is, as Harry Belafonte and Cindy Sheehan say, “the world’s greatest terrorist.” I should also take this time to extend my gratitude to Hollywood and the mainstream media for their assistance in repeating and emphasizing its coverage of actors, actresses and musicians who continually bash the President, the troops and the country. I am particularly grateful to the press for downplaying milestone events, such as the liberation of fifty million people from two tortuous and barbaric tyrants, establishment of new schools, election of a democratic government and improvement of people’s quality of life. Please don’t tell us about the recent polls indicating more than seventy percent of Iraqis say their lives have improved. And whatever you do, please continue to suppress video of US soldiers playing with Iraqi children and giving them candy.
My friends, it is fortuitous that no WMDs were found. This was the best source for persuading the country of Bush’s real desire to get us in a war: Oil; and to award fat defense contracts to his buddies while exacting revenge on Hussein for trying to kill Papa Bush. I know the rest of the world also thought there were WMDs (well, except maybe France and Germany - whose leaders knew they were there) as did the prior administration, but that was then and this is now. I’m sure you haven’t heard this, but a former high level Iraqi government official recently said Iraq did have WMDs but transferred them to Syria while we pressured the President to waste time seeking UN approval. But don’t worry, the media won’t pick this one up.
I also wish to express special appreciation to the patriarch of our party, Sen. Ted Kennedy, for leading the charge by eloquently screaming on the Senate floor, “In fact, the torture chambers and prisons of Iraq were reopened . . . under U.S. management.” Thank you for incessantly reminding the country and the world of Bush’s “lie, after lie, after lie, after lie . . . ,” only so he could be a wartime President to willfully and purposefully place troops in danger. Amazingly, we’ve even been able to convince Americans the war on terror, aside from being ill-conceived, understaffed, under funded, and mismanaged, is unnecessary. True, John Kerry’s “I actually did vote for the eighty-seven million before I voted against it” blunder hurt, but it’s already been forgotten. Moreover, his rhetoric that our military “terrorizes Iraqi civilians” makes up for it.
Before bidding you a good night, I would like to recognize a special guest who is with us tonight.
Please welcome William Blum, author of Rogue State, the book from which Osama bin Laden quoted during his last recorded message. If you recall, Bin Laden said:
And if Bush decides to carry on with his lies and oppression, then it would be useful for you to read the book ‘Rogue State,’ which states in its introduction: ‘If I were President, I would stop the attacks on the United States: First, I would give an apology to all the widows and orphans and those who were tortured. Then I would announce that American interference in the nations of the world has ended once and for all.’Mr. Blum, tickled that bid Laden quoted him, stated, “‘I’m glad . . . I was not turned off by such an endorsement. . . . I’m not repulsed, and I’m not going to pretend I am.’” Blum went on to reiterate our party’s mantra: “It’s the American intervention abroad, stupid!” That’s what creates our enemies and renders us less safe. The abject hatred of western culture by Islamofascists has nothing to do with it. Mr. Blum, we thank you and salute you. You are truly a great American.
Yet, even with all our accomplishments, we cannot rest on our laurels. We must stay the course and remain focused on obstruction. We must ridicule the Bush administration for aggrandizing and politicizing the threat of terrorism, and then trash him for not doing enough to fight it. And when he secretly intercepts communications of either known or suspected terrorists located outside the country, we’ll accuse him of trampling our civil rights by eavesdropping on American citizens who have no connection to terrorism. Not that there has actually been any case where a citizen’s civil rights have actually been violated, but it does tip our hand to terror thugs around the world. We must capitalize on every opportunity to publicize the NSA’s covert eavesdropping of our Islamofascist enemies abroad, which will stop at nothing to destroy us. It is also necessary that we block the Patriot Act’s renewal. We must do and say anything to prevent the President from succeeding in his fight against terrorism in order to excoriate him for not “connecting the dots.” Besides, if we pressure him enough to withdraw from Iraq, he may leave so fast that a terrorist vacuum is left behind, exacerbating the risk to our troops. Then we’ll really have what to say.
My fellow obstructionists, the state of our obstructionist party is as strong as it’s ever been. Let’s hope that we can build on this strong foundation, put partisan politics aside and work together to insure that the current administration ends in utter failure. Let’s face it. It’s the only way we’ll ever regain the presidency and control of Congress. It certainly won’t be because of our ideas. You’re right Mr. President. Hindsight alone is not wisdom, and second-guessing is not a strategy. But, please, give us a break. It’s all we’ve got.
Good night, may G-d bless you, and may G-d bless the United States of America.
Professor Justice practices Criminal Law in New York, teaches trial advocacy, and is a Professor of Business Law.Technorati tags: Democrats, Bush, SOTU, Obstructocrats.