Purim Sameach!

A couple funny takes on current events in Israel these days: A brilliant costume, and a series of "kids'" stories (below).[Hat tip: R' Gil and Jameel and others] Also worth reading and listening to, Netanyahu's speech at AIPAC, particularly the last couple of minutes, including his reading of a WWII letter by the US regarding not bombing Auschwitz, and a mention of Esther HaMalka.

Purim 2012

The Fanat in the Hat and Other Stories
Eli D. Clark
(with apologies to Dr. Seuss)

THE FANAT IN THE HAT

I sat there with Sally.
We sat on the bus.
We sat there together.
No one made a fuss.

Then who came aboard?
The Fanat in the Hat!
And he said to us,
“How can you sit like that?

“You know it is wrong
To sit next to each other.”
I said, “She’s my sister,
And I am her brother.”

He pointed at Sally,
“Go back there to sit.
If you stay in front,
I think I will spit.

“I do NOT want to see you
Go out or come in.
Your elbows are showing
And making men sin.”

“I paid for my seat
Just like you,” Sally cried.
“I can sit where I want!
It’s for me to decide!”

“Where do YOU think you are?
This is not Tel Aviv.”
The Fanat in the Hat said,
“Sit in back or you leave.”

“Now do as I say,
You loose woman, you.”
Then out from behind
Came Thug One and Thug Two.

They had beards, they had hats,
And they wore black and white.
Their fingers were curled
Into fists that were tight.

They were big, they were mean,
And they blocked our way.
They did NOT look like men
Who learn Torah all day.

They screamed at poor Sally.
“Prutzoh!” they shouted.
“We will take care of you.”
And we did not doubt it.

We looked up to heaven.
We looked left and right.
Should we try to run
Or stand up and fight?

We needed a plan,
A way to escape,
Before those two Thugs
Squashed us both like a grape.

Then Thug One and Thug Two
Shouted, “Oy! Help us please!”
The Fanat in the Hat
Just fell to his knees.

What made them shake
And what made them yelp?
What made those bullies
Cry out for help?

We looked and we saw
A giant black cat,
Walking erect
In a red and white hat.

The Cat in the Hat
Looked the Thugs in the eye.
“These things need to stop.
And I’ll tell you why.

“Scaring young women
Is not a good game.
Worse, it is causing
A Hillul Ha-Shem.

“Here is a new game
To play,” said the cat.
“The game is called boxing.
Are you good at that?”

The Thugs said, “We box.
When we finish with you,
You will lie on your back
For a week or for two.”

The cat pulled a box out
And opened the top.
We heard a big VOOM
That made everything stop.

The Fanat in the Hat
And the Thugs in their beards
Were sucked into the box.
They all disappeared.

The cat closed the lid
And sealed it with glue.
“Goodbye,” said the cat,
“And good riddance to you.”

The cat said to us,
“You can sit as before.
Those three nuts will not
Bother you any more.”

“Oh, they will,” Sally said,
“For good or for bad.
Those men in your box
Are my brothers and Dad.”

CLOP FROM POP

GOWN
BROWN
Her gown is brown.
Brown makes us frown.
The brown gown must leave town.
BLACK
BACK
If she wears black,
She can come back.

HOP
POP
Sukkah-hop.
Ate non-stop.
Drank some pop.
Ate a giant lollipop.
And a pound of lemon drops.
My Pop took a strop
And gave me a clop.

LATE
WAIT
My date is late.
I wait and wait.
The cake is great.
Oh, how I ate!
I am overweight.

DRINK
SINK
Do not drink
From the sink.
The water has bugs, I think.

WALL
ALL
The Western Wall
Is open to all,
Short and tall,
Except for a woman with gall
in a prayer shawl.

HEAR
CLEAR
We hear the shiur
From Rabbi Greer.
The shiur is clear.
After shiur
I drink a beer
And fall on my rear.

GET
YET
She will not get
Her get yet, I bet.
She first must offset
Her ex-husband’s debt.

FRED
RED
HEAD
See Fred.
See the redhead.
A pretty co-ed.
She is pre-med.
Very well-read.
Also well-bred.
Now they are wed.
Her pretty redhead
Has a sheitel instead.
Fred feels misled.

PAY
DAY
SAY
If you pay
In cash today,
I save tax. What do you say?
Okay?
Hooray, hooray!
Sorry, I cannot stay.
It is time for me to pray.

GREEN CHEESE AND HAM

Do you eat green cheese and ham?
I do not eat them, Sham-I-am.

Would you eat if no one saw?
I could not, would not break the law.

Would you eat them with O-U,
If the rabbi ate them too?
Would you eat them on a plate
After a 6 hour wait?

I do not eat green cheese and ham.
I do not eat them, Sham-I-am.

If a Jew turned on the gas?
If the dish was made of glass?
What if I would serve it cold
To kids below 13 years old?

We cannot eat green cheese and ham.
It’s in the Torah, Sham-I-am.

If the cheese is neufchâtel
Made from Cholov Yisroel?
If the workers making it
Come from the Chief Rabbinate?

I must not eat green cheese and ham.
I must not eat them, Sham-I-am.

But THIS ham is just a sham,
Made of soy, said Sham-I-am.

Then it is not really ham,
I will try them, Sham-I-am.
Say, I like green cheese and ham!
I do, I like them, Sham-I-am!

Tell me, please, cooked soya bean –
What is done to make it green?

What I do, said Sham-I-am,
Is add some peas and one fresh clam!

Copyright © 2012 by Eli D. Clark
All Rights Reserved

EZ Reads 3/21/11

Purim is always a good time to find out what people "really" think of you, so it was great to read yesterday and this morning about myself. Apparently, I am a brain-intruding, disheveled, pushy, annoying, sex offending stalker robot (I just know this is going to show up on Google). Congratulations to Diana on pulling the series off and to all the writers for the absolute hilarity; it's amazing how much of those posts were true (er, not the descriptions of me! Mostly...)!

Anyway, there are some really interesting reads out there from the weekend as life returns to normal and the world slowly ceases spinning.

• If Purim is over, are you starting to get ready for Pesach? Kosher on a Budget has you covered.
• A convert through the Vaad HaRabbonim of Queens is one a number of Orthodox converts whose conversions are not being recognized in Israel.
• Why do we let girls dress like sluts? Interesting excerpt:

  I have a different theory. It has to do with how conflicted my own generation of women is about our own past, when many of us behaved in ways that we now regret. A woman I know, with two mature daughters, said, "If I could do it again, I wouldn't even have slept with my own husband before marriage. Sex is the most powerful thing there is, and our generation, what did we know?" [...]
  
  So here we are, the feminist and postfeminist and postpill generation. We somehow survived our own teen and college years (except for those who didn't), and now, with the exception of some Mormons, evangelicals and Orthodox Jews, scads of us don't know how to teach our own sons and daughters not to give away their bodies so readily. We're embarrassed, and we don't want to be, God forbid, hypocrites.
  
  Still, in my own circle of girlfriends, the desire to push back is strong. I don't know one of them who doesn't have feelings of lingering discomfort regarding her own sexual past. And not one woman I've ever asked about the subject has said that she wishes she'd "experimented" more.

• R' Gil posts the "secret" rules and guidelines most rabbonim follow when it comes to paskening halacha. Nothing too surprising, but still a good basic breakdown.
• Ha'aretz on the rising stakes of Kosher certification. Such politics, unsurprisingly, but also really interesting and the most in-depth piece I've read on the subject.
• Life in Israel has Netanyahu's interview with CNN on peace.
• Those French (Chassidish?) twins who do wedding routines do an ad for Jeunesse - not bad. I'm just wondering if they're 18.
• Hilarious cartoon on ADD vs. jerks at Doghouse... and xkcd has a great rejoinder to the "Year X called, they want their ____ back" line. I'm totally using that one next time.
• Crazy video from Spanish basketball - announcer is as good as the video.
  

Enjoy, and I hope everyone recovers from Purim well.

8.4 Million New Yorkers Suddenly Realize New York City A Horrible Place To Live

Hat tip: A lot of people who e-mailed with various versions of "this made me think of you" and "I thought you'd appreciate this". Thanks, everyone - I'm flattered that people understand me so well!

What's awesome about this Onion piece on the entire NYC deserting it for greener pastures is how true everything in it really is:  (warning: really bad language; after all, it does quote lots of New Yorkers)

NEW YORK—At 4:32 p.m. Tuesday, every single resident of New York City decided to evacuate the famed metropolis, having realized it was nothing more than a massive, trash-ridden hellhole that slowly sucks the life out of every one of its inhabitants.

With audible murmurs of "This is no way to live," "What the hell am I doing here—I hate it here," and "F*** this place. F*** this horrible place," all 8.4 million citizens in each of the five boroughs packed up their belongings and told reporters they would rather blow their brains out with a shotgun than spend another waking moment in this festering cesspool of filth and scum and sadness.

According to residents, the mass exodus was triggered by a number of normal, everyday New York City events. For Erin Caldwell of Manhattan, an endlessly honking car horn sent her over the edge, causing her to go into a blind rage and scream "shut up!" at the vehicle as loud as she could until her voice went hoarse; for Danny Tremba of Queens it was being cursed at for walking too slow; and for Paul Ogden, also of Queens, it was his overreaction to somebody walking too slow.

Other incidents that prompted citizens to pick up and leave included the sight of garbage bags stacked 5 feet high on the sidewalk; the realization that being alone among millions of anonymous people is actually quite horrifying; a blaring siren that droned on and f***ing on; muddy, refuse-filled puddles that have inexplicably not dried in three years; the thought of growing into a person whose meanness and cynicism is cloaked in a kind of holier-than-thou brand of sarcasm that the rest of the world finds nauseating; and all the goddamn people.

Read the whole thing, it's brilliant. What scared me is that I agree with every single logical reasoning in the piece, and yet... I'm still stuck here. {shudder} It's a bit unbelievable... so much so, that this is a great way to announce the following: Moshe, you won.

For those unaware, about five years ago Moshe and I made a bet; the loser of the bet would take the winner to the restaurant of his choice in New York City for a nice, expensive dinner out (with Mike's Bistro being the likely choice). The bet: Would I still be in New York City in September 2010? I was *sure* there was no chance we would still be living here; Moshe was convinced that I was "just talk". This is the saddest bet I've ever lost in my life, but also possibly the funniest (and certainly the longest).

Moshe, congratulations! We'll go out when things are a bit better, be'H soon! :)

Let Us Pray...

A psalm of James

1. LeBron is my shepherd;
I shall not want.
2. He makes to throw down in crowded lanes
He leads the break with the ease of still waters
3. He restores my franchise;
He leads me in the paths of playoff wins
For his game's sake.
4. Yea, though I walk through the valley
of the shadow of Jordan,
I will fear no evil;
For You are with me;
Your size and Your quickness,
they comfort me.
5. You prepare a winner before me in the
presence of my enemies;
You anoint your head with headbands;
Our attendance runeth over
6. Surely goodness and mercy shall
follow you
All the days of your life;
If you will dwell in the house
of The Q
FOREVER.

Goldishlocks & The Three Beers

One Purim there was a girl named Goldishlocks, who had golden, curly hair,
Who made beautiful mishloach manos of porridge, cookies, and gummy bears,
She knew her mishloach manos were not yet complete,
‘But what else can I add?,’ she started to think.

She decided to take a walk to clear her mind,
When lo and behold! What’d she find!?
It was all she could do, to not yell in fear,
While in front of her stood a huge scary beer.

He said “Hi Goldishlocks! What do you say?
You should give out some of me on Purim day!”
Goldishlocks stammered “A tax I’d rather levy,
Then give you out, Dad. You’re just way too heavy.”

She had scarcely walked 12 steps before she jumped back in fear,
After getting talked to forever by an overly energetic beer,
The beer pled her case, about how she goes down so smoothly,
And you never have to worry about her coming off fruity.

But Goldishlocks wasn’t to be so easily impressed,
And finally spoke up to the beer so well dressed,
“Imma, be careful, you gave me a fright!
But I’m sorry, you’re no good either – you’re just way too light.”

Goldishlocks was sad as she headed to her room,
All ready for Purim but with a small dash of gloom,
She passed by her baby sis, the cutest little beer,
And couldn’t help but think “Now isn’t she just dear!?”

She was about to give up and call it a night,
When she suddenly remembered an ad for Bud Light,
She turned and yelled, “‘Not too heavy, not too light!’
Oh this is perfect – Baby, you’re Just Right!!”

With excitement she turned and ran down the hall,
And finished making beautiful mishloach manos for all,
And in addition to giving out yummy treats to her peers,
She’s sharing the story of Goldishlocks – and of course, the Three Beers.

Pharaoh the Mitzri: A Suess-esque Poem

This poem by Erachet is amazing.

Liveblogging Purim @ Muqata

If you need to kill a few minutes today, this is awesome. JoeSettler and Jameel (?) rock. :)

121 Response

A celebration of ascension. From the desert, our salvation is coming.
The Lord will [iyH!] not allow evil to hold reign in this time.
The men of the trenches will not give an inch; the men behind them will not rest but remain active.
Behold, the protectors of the heroic bagger will neither slumber nor sleep.
The men in the back will be the guardians, shadowing those who try to benefit from the clock's right hand.
The gold shall not smite by the ground, nor the black through the air.
The humble flying man shall keep all from evil; he will invigorate the soul.
The old man's runnings will control the goings and comings - and keep evil out, from this time forth and forever.

GO CARDINALS!!

Cardinals, 27-20. Wishful thinking, maybe... but I can't pick the Steelers, right? With all the focus on Fitzgerald, I think Boldin will actually be the one to have a big game and score a touchdown or two, and the Arizona defense will have a couple of big plays. I think Edgerrin James/Tim Hightower, Santonio Holmes, and Troy Polamalu will also play well. (I love making baseless predictions.)

This post is dedicated to my good friend Coops and the Mrs., with whom I wish I was watching today, and for their attempt to bring hope and change into Cleveland sports culture.

Citizens, Countrymen, Let Us Pray...

...Original
Almighty Blog, our creator, everything we see and everything we can't see due to a 404 error exists because of you alone. It all comes from you, it all belongs to you. It all exists for your glory. The future is your story. The Blogture tells us, "Hear, oh Israel, the Blog is our Blog; the Blog is one." And you are the compassionate and merciful one. And you are loving to everyone you have hosted.

Now today, we rejoice not only in the J-Blogosphere's peaceful transfer of power for the first time. We celebrate a hinge-point of history with the inauguration of our President of the J-Blogosphere.

We are so grateful to live in this Internet, a medium of unequaled possibility, where the commenter of one of the Founding Bloggers can rise to the highest level of our leadership.

And we know today that The King and a great cloud of Witnesses are shouting in Cleveland.

Give to our new President, he who’s name I dare not let pass my lips w/o prior written consent, the wisdom to lead us with his gut instincts, the courage to lead us with his unabashed arrogance, the compassion to lead us with his, and his alone’s, view of right and wrong. Bless and protect him, his family, himself as Vice President , the Cabinet and every one of our nepotistic, biased and cronyismly selected leaders.

Help us, oh Blog, to remember that we are J-Bloggers, united not by race or religion or blood, but to our commitment to high site-meter stats and comments for all.

When we focus on ourselves, when we fight each other, when we forget you, rejoice in us…for this is the purpose of all posted things. When we presume that our greatness and our prosperity is ours alone, delight in us. When we fail to treat our fellow human beings and all the Earth with the respect that they deserve, we do so only to please you.

And as we face these difficult days ahead, may we have a new lack of clarity in our aims, an eschewment of responsibility in our actions, abstaining humility in our approaches and removing civility in our attitudes, with the hopes that in all things we will differ.

Help to prevent us from sharing, instead to serve and to seek the individualized good of each private blog.

May all people of goodwill today join together in their failing to work for a more just, a more healthy and a more prosperous blogosphere and a peaceful Internet. And may we never forget that each day all blogs and all their posters stand accountable before only themselves.

We now commit our new president and his wife, ******, into your loving care.

I humbly ask this in the name of the one who changed my life, Blog, Blogspot, Wordpress, Blogerish [Yiddish pronunciation], Blogger, who taught us to pray, "Our Blogger who art in cyberspace, posting be thy game, thy kingdom come, thy will be done online as it is in heaven. Google us this day our daily links and forgive us our trespasses as we blame those who trespass against us, and lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from the main stream media, for thine is the kingdom and the power and the glory until a better technological advancement come along."

Amen.

Fear The Magic Picture Window!!!...

...lest it corrupt and extinguish your soul leaving a dark empty place only to be inhabited by the evil forces...

From The Wolf via Matzav.com



...or, 'ya know, not...


Dearest Mommy and Abba,

Just wanted to thank you for the iPod touch you got me for my birthday. It’s the coolest thing! Seriously. I use it all the time to listen to the latest Jewish songs! You would like totally smile if you knew. Anyway, OMG! It’s like the greatest thing ever. And the internet is WAY fast. It only takes me a few seconds to download the BEST shiurim and divrei Torah imaginable. I can literally learn about any Torah topic I want. Bet you had no idea when you bought it. What a bonus, cuz, you know, I was just a regular 7th grader full of potential, and now I have a way to tap into it. You have high hopes for me I’m sure – this just helps. I really care about learning – along with everything else - and I’ll probably be the most educated student in school pretty soon. Thanks for trusting me. You rule!

Love, Yosef

Dr. Seuss' Hanukkah...

...I am G

G I am...

That Rabbi Flax!
That Rabbi Flax!
I do not like
that Rabbi Flax!

Do you light candles of wax?

I do not light candles of wax.
I do not like them, Rabbi Flax.

Would you light them here or there?

I would not light them here or there.
I would not light them anywhere.
I do not like light candles of wax.
I do not like them, Rabbi Flax.

Would you light them in your house?
Would you light them for your spouse?

I do not light them in my house.
I do not light them for my spouse.
I do not light them here or there.
I do not light them anywhere.
I do not light candles of wax.
I do not like them, Rabbi Flax.

Would you light Telzies* from that box?
Would you light them in your sox?

Not from that box.
Not in my sox.
Not in my house.
Not for my spouse.
I would not light them here or there.
I would not light them anywhere.
I would not light candles of wax.
I do not like them, Rabbi Flax.

Would you? Could you?
In a car?
Light them! Light them!
Here they are.

I would not, could not, in a car.

You may like them.
You will see.
You may light them in a tree!

I would not, could not in a tree.
Not in a car! You let me be.
I do not light them from that box.
I do not light them in my sox.
I do not light them in my house.
I do not light them for my spouse.
I do not light them here or there.
I do not light them anywhere.
I do not light candles of wax.
I do not like them, Rabbi Flax.

A train! A train!
A train! A train!
Could you, would you, on a train?

Not on a train! Not in a tree!
Not in a car! Flax! Let me be!
I would not, could not, from that box.
I could not, would not, in my sox.
I will not light them for my spouse.
I will not light them in my house.
I will not light them here or there.
I will not light them anywhere.
I do not light candles of wax.
I do not like them, Rabbi Flax.

Say!
In the dark? Here in the dark!
Would you, could you, in the dark?

I would not, could not, in the dark.

Would you, could you, in the rain?

I would not, could not, in the rain.
Not in the dark. Not on a train.
Not in a car. Not in a tree.
I do not light them, Flax, you see.
Not in my house. Not from that box.
Not for my spouse. Not in my sox.
I will not light them here or there.
I do not light them anywhere!

You do not light candles of wax?

I do not light them, Rabbi Flax.

Could you, would you, with a goat?

I would not, could not, with a goat!

Would you, could you, on a boat?

I could not, would not, on a boat.
I will not, will not, with a goat.
I will not light them in the rain.
I will not light them on a train.
Not in the dark! Not in a tree!
Not in a car! You let me be!
I do not like them from that box.
I do not light them in my sox.
I will not light them in my house.
I do not light them for my spouse.
I do not light them here or there.
I do not light them ANYWHERE!
I do not light candles of wax!
I do not like them, Rabbi Flax.

You do not like them.
So you say.
Try them! Try them!
And you may.
Try them and you may, I say.

Rabbi!
If you will let me be, I will try them.
You will see.

Say!
I like candles of wax!
I do! I like them, Rabbi Flax!
And I would light them in a boat.
And I would light them with a goat...
And I will light them in the rain.
And in the dark. And on a train.
And in a car. And in a tree.
They are so good, so good, you see!
So I will light them from that box.
Yet still not light them in my sox.
And I will light them in my house.
And I will light them for my spouse.
And I will light them here and there.
Say! I will light them ANYWHERE!

I do so like
candles of wax!
Thank you!
Thank you,
Rabbi Flax!

*v'hamevin yavin ;)

Yes We Did...

...and it really wasn't all that hard to tell the truth.

For those just tuning in

:::APPLAUSE::APPLAUSE::
::KEY TAPS::KEY TAPS::
::MOUSE CLICKS::MOUSE CLICKS::

Thank you. Thank you, my friends. Thank you for coming here on this beautiful evening (this raises and interesting point – is there “time of day” in the blogosphere? Or is it more like a Vegas casino…constantly 2 o’clock in the morning?)

My friends, you have come to the end of a long journey. The American people have spoken, and they have spoken clearly…FOR ME!

A little while ago, my opponent had the honor of calling me to congratulate me…as well he should, seeing as I soundly round-housed his poor excuse for a candidacy clear across the Internet.

(BOOING)

Hey! Shut Up!!.

To congratulate me on being elected the next president of the country that we both love…but that apparently seems to love me juuust a little bit more.

In a contest as long and difficult as this campaign has been (more so for him than for me because honestly this thing was a cake walk), my success alone commands his respect for my ability and perseverance (damn skippy!). But that I managed to do so by inspiring the hopes of so many millions of Americans who had once wrongly believed that they had little at stake or little influence in the election of an American president is something he deeply admires and commends me for achieving (preach on!).

This is an historic election, and he recognizes the special significance it has for J-Blogging Americans and for the special pride that must be theirs tonight…that was, of course, after I explained to him what exactly a ‘blog’ was and walked him through this little thing called ‘the internet’.

He’s always believed that the J-Blogosphere offers opportunities to all who have the industry and will to seize it (and boy have a lot of you been doing some seizing, if 2 jews have 4 opinions then they must also have like 15 blogs). I believe that, too…and seize it I did baby!

But we both recognize that, though we have come a long way from the old injustices that once stained our nation's reputation and denied some bloggers the full blessings of J-Blogger citizenship, the memory of them still had the power to wound…although that power is directly proportional to the size of their readership so most probably there is not all that much to worry about.

What must feel like a century ago, one prominent blogger's invitation of a college student between semesters to post at their blog was taken as an outrage in many quarters…mostly yeshiva guys who counted on such invitations to fill the hours between (during) seder.

The J-Blogosphere today is a world away from the cruel and frightful bigotry of that time…instead it has gone on and embraced various other and more attention getting forms of cruelty and bigotry. There is no better evidence of this than the election of myself to the presidency of the J-Blogosphere.

Let there be no reason now for any blogger to fail to cherish their citizenship in this, the greatest sphere on the Net…that’s right I said ‘cherish’. You should all feel honored and blessed to be a part of something with the wisdom and foresight to put me in charge. (and make no mistake – if I find out you’re not actively involved in cherishing at least once a day, I have people who will find you and when they do it’s gonna be back to the stone-age of blogging for you)

I have achieved a great thing for myself and for my country. He applauds me for it (like he has a choice), and offers me his sincere sympathy that my beloved grandmother did not live to see this day (okay, that was a nice thought – I’ll give him that). Though our faith assures us she is at rest in the presence of her creator and so very proud of the good man she helped raise…that man being me, in case anybody got confused for a second.

I and he have had and argued our differences (did I forget to mention? The rules of the English language will henceforth be suspended in order to allow for references to myself to always be placed first), and I have prevailed. No doubt many of those differences remain…and annoy the heck out him, not that it matters anymore because it’s my way or the highway going forward – deal with that!

These are difficult times for our country. And he pledge to me tonight to do all in his power to help me lead us through the many challenges we face…a nice gesture I guess, not that I would even consider taking him up on it. ‘His power’…pffft.

He urges all J-Bloggers who supported him to join him in not just congratulating me (applaud you puppets, applaud!), but offering your next president your good will and earnest effort to find ways to come together to find the necessary compromises to bridge our differences and help restore our prosperity, defend our security in a dangerous world, and leave our children and grandchildren a stronger, better country than we inherited…and you WILL offer all of these things, if you don’t it will make me angry…you wouldn’t like me when I’m angry…

Whatever our differences, we are fellow J-Bloggers. And please believe him when he says no association has ever meant more to him than that…again, like he has a choice at this point – it’s all he has left to associate himself with!

It's natural, tonight, to feel some disappointment (for you I mean, not for me). But tomorrow, we must move beyond it and work together to get our country moving again…so get over it already!

You fought (kinda)— you fought as hard as you could (at least I assume you did, although I gotta admit at times you had me wondering if there was some big ‘rope-a-dope’ scheme being laid out and there was a big blind-side knockout blow coming..oh well, guess not) And though you fell short, the failure is his, not yours…(forget about him, you can still be winners. Just join me – join me. Join young Blogwalkers, come over to the Dark Side…wait, was that out loud?)

AUDIENCE: No!

Why you little...

He is so deeply grateful to all of you for the great honor of your support and for all you have done for him. He wishes the outcome had been different, my friends…alas t’wasn’t meant to be, ::shrug:: wadda ya gonna do.

The road was a difficult one from the outset (right, and Odysseus’ took a ‘difficult’ path back to Sparta), but your support and friendship never wavered (why was that exactly? Still trying to figure that out). He cannot adequately express how deeply indebted he is to you…but his accountants are doing their best and hope to have figures before the inauguration.

He’s especially grateful to his wife, Cindy, her money, his children, his dear mother, her money and all his family, and to the many old and dear friends who have stood by his side through the many ups and downs of this long campaign.

He has always been a fortunate man, and never more so for the love and encouragement you have given him…true enough.

You know, campaigns are often harder on a candidate's family than on the candidate, and that's been true in this campaign…what? You think I just hand out puppies on a whim? They have to be earned. Why in my day growing up on the hard scrabble streets of Hawaii we didn’t have puppies…sure we had endless sunshine, sandy beaches and some of the best surfing in the world – but no puppies!

All he can offer in compensation is his love and gratitude and the promise of more peaceful years ahead…at a way, good for him to go and find the silver lining.

He is also, of course, very thankful to Governor Sarah Palin, one of the best campaigners he’s ever seen (really, he needs to get out more- watch a little CNN, C-Span or something ) and an impressive new voice in your party for reform and the principles that have always been your greatest strength (blah, blah, blah I can’t even say this stuff w/ a straight face – bring it on lady, I’ll see you in 0-12) ... her husband Todd and their five beautiful children for their tireless dedication to your cause, and the courage and grace they showed in the rough and tumble of a presidential campaign (enjoy the great white north kiddies – NO WHITE HOUSE FOR YOU!, or naval observatory or whatever)

We can all look forward with great interest to her future service to Alaska, the Republican Party and our country…okay, maybe just two out of three.

He doesn’t know what more he could have done to try to win this election (really, it’s true, he doesn’t! can you believe that?!). He'll leave that to others to determine (yeah, you do that – great campaign strategy, wait until AFTER to figure out what you can do better). Every candidate makes mistakes (clearly), and he’s sure he made his share of them (duh). But he won't spend a moment of the future regretting what might have been (okey dokey, whatever works for ya).

This campaign was and will remain the great honor of his life, and his heart is filled with nothing but gratitude for the experience and to the J-Blogging public for giving him a fair hearing before deciding that I and my running mate (me, in case you’ve forgotten) should have the honor of leading us for the next four years.

(BOOING)

Hey! I said shut-up!...don’t make me send The Wolf out there 'cause I’ll do it!

(SILENCE)

That’s better…

He would not be a J-Blogger worthy of the name should he regret a fate that has allowed him the extraordinary privilege of serving this medium for a half a decade…only to be cast aside and passed over for the likes of me.

Today, he was a candidate for the highest office in the sphere he loves so much. And tonight, he remains my –I mean her servant. That is blessing enough for anyone, and he thanks the people of the J-Blogosphere for it.

AUDIENCE: UJA. UJA. UJA. UJA.

Tonight, more than any night, he holds in his heart nothing but love for this sphere and for all its citizens, whether they supported him or me — whether they supported him or me…I on the other hand…

He wishes Godspeed to the man who was his former opponent and will be his president…me again. And he calls on all J-Bloggers, as he has often in this campaign, to not despair of our present difficulties, but to believe, always, in the promise and greatness of J-Blogging, because nothing is inevitable here…except for DoveBear’s politics, XGH’s retirements, Ezzie’s economic beliefs, Gil’s attempt to remain above the fray and of course the inevitability of my victory.

J-Bloggers never quit. They never surrender…they just take extended breaks from time to time due to either burnout, annoyance with the whole medium or because they are getting engaged or getting married.

We never hide from history. We make history…history dammit, history!

Thank you, and God bless you, and God bless the J-Blogosphere. Thank you all very much...

...woah! I almost forgot the most important part. In the words of one who's true genius and contributions to society go unappreciated in his own time - one Stewart G. Griffin..."VICTORY IS MINE!!!"

My Shtark Is...

...quite honestly not what it once was - but we're working on rectifying that.

Anyway, I thought we might take a page out of the NIKE playbook...sometimes they just knock it out of the park with their commercials.

My fast is faster...

My shtark is shtarker than your shtark. My shtark is all shtarker. I got yeshivish all day. Shtarker. Geshmaker. Sharfer than your sharfer. I'll give you a head start. You underestimate my lomdus. My lomdus is the CEO of the United Global Lomdus Corporation. I’m mechavin to a Rishon right now. My shtark is shtark. Shtarkety Shtark. My Shtark and my Geshmak had a baby, named him Araingutan. You are not that shtark.

Winter Dating Season...

...is upon us - I feel for ya fellas, I truly do. Dating destination options have just been halved...at least!

Door bells ring, think she’s listening?
Here she comes, what’s she thinking?
A beautiful sight,
We're happy tonight.
Dating in a Shidduch wonderland

Gonna go, get some coffe,
Hope the place has indoor parking
Make sure that you tip
To not to ‘aint hip
Dating in a Shidduch wonderland

With any luck soon you’ll call her freely
Perhaps she’ll even pick the place and time

You'll say: Is this okay?
She'll say: Whatever,
To give her choices
Is like speaking to a mime

Later on, you'll conspire,
Something cool to surprise her
You know she’ll say ‘Yes'
And yet your nerves are a wreck
Dating in a Shidduch wonderland

Alas not every date will go this fondly,
Some will leave you angered or let down
In that case remember, abuse the Shadchan
After all that’s why their around

When it snows, ain't it thrilling,
Steps extra slow, lest she go spilling
We'll frolic and play, as only Jews may,
Dating in a Shidduch wonderland

Lav Sh'ein Bo Cocoa

Posted with permission

by Jon Korman

In mesechta דנקן הינס there is an interesting machlokes brought down between פילסברי דו בוי and מורנו הרב נסלי as to whether or not burnt cookie offering from a girlfriend to boyfriend is preferable to no cookies. הרב נסלי says that its obviously better for there to be no cookies, because if there were burnt cookies, it would cause טרחה for the בעל הקוקי on two different levels. the first level would be that he has cookies before him but cannot eat them due to the fact that they are burnt and will taste bitter, and clearly its not פסח and we do not want to be reminded of eating מרור. The second מדריגא of טרחה would be that his friends would make fun of him. We all know that embarrassment is in fact worse than death. פילסברי דו בוי says that is significantly better to receive the burnt cookies, because at least then we are exposing the כוונה of the girlfriend. Obviously she understands the pasuk of שֶׁרֹּאשִׁי נִמְלָא טָל קְוֻצּוֹתַי רְסִיסֵי לָיְלָה: and is trying to do whatever she can to make her בעל happy. It is clear that the יסוד of this machlokes can be stated as to how one should properly satisfy their boyfriend. Clearly, the כוונה is what really counts in this situation. If a person did not care for their boyfriend they clearly would not bake them cookies, but if they really cared they would make sure to do it correctly. בדיעבד one can fulfill the מצווה by simply being nice to their boyfriend. לכתחלה a girlfriend should bake the cookies, whether they are cooked correctly or not צ'ע. However, there is a concept called הידור מצווה, in english this means to beautify the מצווה. Clearly we should all strive to reach this מדריגא and bake the cookies appropriately and dispense them regularly to your boyfriend... cause we all know תדיר ושאינו תדיר, תדיר קודם!!!

A נפקא מינה להלכה would be whether or not you can be מגרש your girlfriend if she does not regularly bake cookies.

Seemingly, this מצווה could be understood as מצות עשה שהזמן גרמא, which would obviously be problematic because נשים are not חייב in מצות עשה שהזמן גרמא. Rashi explains in מסכתא מגילה that because נשים were part of the נס they are obligated to partake in theמצווה

מעשה אחד אם הנסל וגרטל they were once walking through a field and came across a bakery with a very sweet מקשפה. However, it turns out she was not as sweet as she seemed. The evil מקשפה tried to turn הנסל וגרטל into cookies. There was a נס שבנסתר and the רבש'ע created a ישועה. So today, as a זכר לנס girls bake cookies for boys. These cookies signify how grateful נשים are that they were saved by the boys. Even though we really know it was a נס שבנסתר we still give credit to the boys because the גילוי aspect of this נס it is rather obvious that the boys did all the work.

A'thousand Timeouts, Yes...

...PHIL
‘O’ Romeo, Romeo! wherefore art the ‘O’ Romeo?
Deny thy Belichick and refuse thy game plan;
Or, if thou wilt not, be but sworn my love,
And you'll no longer be a Brown.

ROMEO
Shall I hear more, or shall I speak at this?

PHIL
'Tis but thy game plan that is my enemy;
Thou art thyself, though not an Offensive mind.
What's Offense? it is nor holding, nor false start,
‘Tis passing, or running, or any other part
Belonging to forward progress!. ‘O’, be some other name!?
What's in a name? That which we call a Touchdown
By any other name would count as six;
So Romeo would, were he not Romeo call it,
Atone that dread performance which he owns
Without that title - Romeo, doff thy headset,
And for that team name which is such part of thee
Take all myself.

ROMEO
I take thee at thy word.
Call me but fired, and Cowher be new baptized;
Henceforth I never will be a Brown.

I'm Anonymous! Who Are You?

I'm Anonymous! Who are you?
Are you -- Anonymous -- too?
Then there's a pair of us!
Don't tell! They'd out us -- you know!

How dreary -- to be -- Identified!
How public -- like a Frog --
To post one's name -- in cyberspace --
To an inquiring Blog!

(Real poem here)

Impossible Dream Re-Analyzed...

...'tis the season for parody (just you wait and see:) , so let us try and get off on the right key - the key, the key...The Key of G:

Original

Last night I watched Freedom Writers. It's strange to watch one's own greatest annoyance played out in a film. If I had a goal, it'd be to eradicate Ms. Gruwell (Hilary Swank) and to do away with that kind of person, the one who tells various people what can be and then demonstrates how it should be. That's a life of arrogance (and often times an accompanying condescension), the fulfilled life of the so-called 'idealist', because she ends up accomplishing her goal - that of shaping her world as she sees fit, regradless of anyhting or anyone which finds itself within that sphere. And she ignores everyone who tells her she may be wrong, instead insisting that it is they who are not in the right (there's that condescension I was typing about). But it was a different part of the movie that struck me in particular. It has to do with her relationship with her husband...poor guy (Patrick Dempsey...great hair though). I have noticed this theme repeated in various books and films. There's a dialogue between the two in the film that goes like this:

Dempsey: I just want to live my life- and not feel bad about it.
Swank: Well, I'm not trying to make you feel bad.
Dempsey: You don't have to try!
Swank: I didn't plan on becoming responsible for these kids...
Dempsey: Well, who asked you to?
Swank: No one asked me to-
Dempsey: --kids!
Swank: Well, why do I have to be asked? [pause] I- finally realized what I'm supposed to be doing and I love it- When I help these kids make sense of their lives, everything about my life makes sense to me. How often does a person get that?
Dempsey: Then what do you need me for?
Swank: You're my husband. Why can't you stand by me and be part of it, the way wives support husbands?
Dempsey: Because I can't be your wife. [pause] I wish I could make that sound less awful. Erin, you know if you had to choose between us and a class- who would you pick?
Swank: If you loved me, how could you ever ask me that?
Dempsey: Erin, look at me- this is all there's ever been to me. This is it. I'm not one of those kids; I don't have any more potential. So you don't want to be here because if you did, wouldn't you be in the classroom every night?
Swank: That's not true- I want to be here; I love you.
Dempsey: You love the idea of me.
Swank: But it's such a great idea.
Dempsey: [softly] I know.

It occurred to me that this dialogue is an exact replay of an extremely similar one in The Way We Were:

Streisand: There's something I want to ask you. [drinks a little] I hope this doesn't make me drunk; I want to sleep.
Redford: Don't drink it like water.
Streisand: Okay. It's because I'm not attractive enough, isn't it? I'm not fishing, really- I'm not. I know I'm attractive...sort of. But...I'm not attractive in the- I'm not attractive in the right way- am I. I mean...I don't have the right style- for you. Do I? Be my friend.
Redford: No. You don't have the right style.
Streisand: I'll change!
Redford: No, don't change. You're your own girl. You have your own style.
Streisand: But then I won't have you. Why can't I have you? Why?
Redford: Because you push too hard. Every damn minute! Look, we don't- there's no time to just relax and enjoy living. Everything's too serious to be so serious.
Streisand: If I push too hard, it's because I want things to be better. I want us to be better; I want you to be better. Sure, I make waves. You have to. And I'll keep making them until you're...every wonderful thing you should be and will be. You'll never find anyone as good for you as I am, to believe in you as much or love you as much.
Redford: I know that.
Streisand: Well then, why?
Redford: Do you think if I come back it's going to be okay by magic? What's going to be different? We'll both be wrong; we'll both lose.
Streisand: Couldn't we both win?
Redford: God, I- [pause] Oh, God, I- [pause] Katie, you expect so much.
Streisand: Oh, but look what I've got...

So you see there is a theme. There is the underlying theme of the relationship between the so-called 'idealist' and her husband, or lover. And it is simply this; the so-called 'idealist' pushes the other person too hard, whether she does it deliberately or simply by the nature of who she is as a person is ultimately beside the point (although to imagine the person who does it deliberately to one they say they care for is to boggle the mind). The exact same idea is echoed in each of these exchanges. Dempsey tells Swank "You're in love with the idea of me," and she responds, "But it's such a great idea." Redford said the exact same thing when he explained, "Katie, you expect so much" and she said, "Oh, but look what I've got."

The tendency of a person is to look for where they can improve, but for the ways in which everyone around them can improve- how they can grow, become better, achieve their whole self? That is not something for them to decide. And generally this tendency is even self serving, because the idea is that a person is happier when he has achieved his whole self and everything that he might be and desires to be as prescribed that other individual. Such a person glows with confidence and pleasure in everything that he is told to be, so the thinking goes.

So, how can you expect Streisand or Swank not to be what they are, not to want to change the world and everyone around them as they see it, and bring that kind of joy and pleasure to everyone else?

The problem is that they cannot see when other people are already happy. Take Dempsey, for example, who is happy with his job and has no interest in the work required to go back to school in order to become an architect. That's because his attitude is that this is his chosen world that needs no additional tweaking, that's the way the world works best for him. It is what it is. This is the way things are. Relax and enjoy it. Because you don’t need to get anything else, and it's not worth the time if you’re content. That attitude kills the people who are around who are so-called 'idealists'. It rips apart the fabric of their world, a little at a time. Because to them, it appears as though you are choosing to remain unhappy, even though that is the farthest thing from the truth. And they just don't get why anyone would deliberately choose to remain a mere part of himself when he has the opportunity to be whole. They're in love with the idea of a person at his best as they see it, doing everything they want he should do. They're in love with their idea of a joyous person, a happy person, a fulfilled person. And damn right they're not going to take it when someone says that they already are, because that's the only thing they cling to in order to stay alive.

I think this is true, not merely of relationships with lovers, but of all relationships that a so-called 'idealist' has. The people who are around them are subjected to scrutiny, usually unintentional (so they say), or they feel like the idealist looks down on them, which is sadly often the truth. Some people look down on anybody. Some people are just perplexed, confused. Because how can you have the ability and opportunity to reach for something wonderful- and still deny it to yourself? Why won't you believe? How? Why? Because it's not a question of having anyone believing in you. You believe in you. You believe in all of us and in the good that is at our core, no matter how you may appear to lead your life.

I hate how some people talk to me, with their statements that suggest how everything should be, forever and ever. Every so often I fear that I'll start accepting the stress filled parameters of their world, the world which simply works a certain way and that I can't change, that place where things just are and it's my job to make it so, no matter how fair, unfair or unjust it is. That world where all I have to do is...do what they want. I have no intention of ever doing that, and with God's help, I never will. It is our job to see everything that our world could be, and to partner with God in making it more beautiful. It is our job to hope for the better and to look for the beauty in people. It is our job to forgive the unforgivable, to learn to see people, to stop cowering because they won't dare to believe that we already are the things we wish to be because we have put in the time and effort. And just because I haven't yet found the way to 'perfection', or whatever term one wishes to use for thier goal(s) in life, doesn't mean I can't, or that I won't...in my own way.

The thing that makes me sad is this idea found in the literature and the movies, that it's impossible to live with a force of nature. Because who wants to deal with someone who pushes too hard or who wants everyone to live up to an unnecessary standard? So yes, you can be extraordinary, or strive to be; just know that you may lose people along the way depending on how you go about it. And if you do not choose wisely it's going to hurt both you and them. And you're going to hate yourself for not being able to change enough, and wishing you could, while knowing you can't and people may hate you for the changes and wishes you try to force on others who don’t need them. But you won’t stop and consider their position…because that would hurt you more.

Somebody Call NBC...

...because I got the Next Big Thing to hit the airwaves come the new fall season.

***For anybody out there who is even thinking of making an anti-TV comment:
Please save yourself the trouble and partake of the sage advice of the late, great Archibald Bunker (a great man with an even greater easy chair) and by all means...STIFLE YOURSELF!!!***

>>Intro - replace current voice-over with intro below to be followed by classic musical theme<<>

In 2002, a crack Chabura unit was sent into exile by a Yeshiva court for a chumra they didn't commit. These men promptly escaped from a maximum security BeisMedrash to the Kollel underground. Today, still wanted by the Mashgiach, they survive as Yungerleit of fortune. If you have a problem, if no one else can help, and if you can find them, maybe you can hire...The J-Team:

B.A Baruchs
H.M. Mordechai
Templeton “Ponim” Besht
John “Maccabee” Stein

Perspective Is Everything...

...one's view on just about anything is influenced, if not flat out dictated, by their point of reference.

Posted originally on Life In Israel
Guest-Posted again on The Dove Bar

My response, as it were, can be found in the comments of both postings.

I was chatting with my chavrusa the other day. We were talking about Kollel life and the topic of mesirus nefesh to learn Torah came up (my chavrusa is a Rosh Kollel. He is very organized, very serious and runs his kollel in a very organized way).

Kollel guys are moser nefesh - they give up everything, to learn in kollel. To learn Torah. And that is wonderful.

Typically when we hear the phrase "moser nefesh to learn Torah" we think of money. These avreichim are giving up a life of (possible) comfort, earning a decent living, all to learn Torah while living on, often, nothing more than the basics and the minimum.

Aside from the money aspect of their mesirus nefesh, there is an aspect even greater. And this is what I had never heard described before. The whole lifestyle is mesirus nefesh on a psychological level.

Avreichim, living in an area where there are plenty of kollels and plenty of avreichim, live a life of obscurity. many of these guys (the more serious ones), could easily have been successful in the business world; as professionals such as doctors, lawyers, accountants, financial pros, etc., computers, whatever. They would have been noticed, their work would be appreciated, and they would feel good about what they do because they are noticed (to a certain extent).

However, as an avreich in a neighborhood where kollels and avreichim are "a dime a dozen" so to speak, these guys are all bundled into one package. They are not noticed because there are so many. An exception is one who is unusually exceptional - he gets noticed as a real star, but he will often take a job fairly quickly in the Rabbinate, or in a yeshiva, etc. But just for good serious guys who are learning, successfully, there is tremendous mesirus nefesh in living such a lifestyle. These are, often, guys who could be doing other things, yet they chose to learn because of its importance to them.

He went on to explain that this is why, he thinks, he sees many frustrated avreichim at about age 29-32, who start looking for things to do - starting local shiurim in shuls even for just 2 or 3 people, for example. They do that because they have begun to get frustrated that they have learned, and learned well, for a number of years, but they are not noticed at all.

Yes, it is nice to be altruistic and say that people should do what they love and not be concerned whether they are being noticed or not. Especially when learning Torah. But everybody likes, and wants, to be appreciated, and recognized, for their accomplishments and for their success. So even if for a number of years they go by and learn quietly, eventually it catches up with them, with most of them, and they start to feel it at a certain point.

That is a tremendous mesirus nefesh. To learn in kollel, seriously, knowing that nobody is recognizing you for your accomplishments, for your achievements, for your contributions. And add to that, when you could have been doing something else that would have gotten you noticed, even if only on a small scale. And it is harder for a kollel guy who is in an area where kollel is more accepted, and even the standard perhaps, than it is for a guy who goes to learn in an "out of town" kollel" where it is not the norm and they are appreciated by the local baalebatim, and they get involved, etc.

If you are working at a job and you accomplish something successfully, likely you will have your peers commend you, your boss will notice, etc. Your efforts will get noticed and you will get complimented. You will be appreciated.

If you are in kollel, and you are learning seriously, your efforts will almost never get noticed. You figured out pshat in a difficult tosafos or Ritva! Wow! You are so excited. You tell the guys learning at the other table, and they could care less. They were not bothered by your question and just want you to leave them alone so they can work out their own difficult piece.

That weighs down on a person, even somebody who is supposed to be learning L'shma will often be affected by this eventually. These guys are human and want to be noticed for their accomplishments just like the rest of us.

That is mesirus nefesh in a way that you probably have not considered.