To Scream God's Many Names

The following is a guest post by an Anonymous Reader.

I have a dream to climb up the side of a mountain. Not just any mountain, mind you - but The Grand Teton in Wyoming. I have made a promise to myself that I will be healthy enough to do so before I die. It is a stunningly beautiful climb. I want to bless God and Scream Its name from the top. From there, I want to be able to hike around the Himalayas. I promised myself that I will. I want to see the top of the world and conquer my fears, my hopes, and my dreams. I know I will be successful.

I weigh about 109 pounds, and I am 5'6. I take up to three medications a day: For Bipolar Disorder (Not Otherwise Specified) with Comorbid ADHD - and the crippling anxiety of self-discovery, of reality, of not knowing enough about the world around me. They've lowered my weight, and sped up my metabolism. I'm back in therapy, not for the Bipolar Disorder, but to learn to control and let go of what gave me the anxiety in the first place. I am slowly building myself back to where I should have been in high school.

I'm learning to let go of a lot of the things that bothered me. The anger and anxiety (which trickles down into severe mood swings), of how my parents were: Yelling at each other, at me, about money, about life, about how I could not express my dreams, hopes and fears without pressure to become something else besides myself. I am finally letting go enough to start really studying and learning about the world. I am accepting myself, including the Bipolar Disorder, and the real joys that come with it...

The only reason I can do this, is because I am radical.

I identify in part with a growing body of people who don't buy into the current drug-company-on-TV-sponsored view of what it means to have a Mental Illness, especially one considered "Severe." Although I don't agree with every radical idea espoused, (no drugs? alternative illegal drugs? filter your water and live off the land? radical anarchy as a way of getting medication?) I do identify with parts of Mad Pride, with Kay Redfield Jamison, Liz Spikol, parts of The Icarus Project, parts of The Freedom Center, The Mad Tea Party, etc.

Most people do not know what it means to actually be mad. Nor in treatment.

Bipolar Disorder in Short Form (For me) Mixed Episodes, which lean towards depression, which can keep you up all night. So depressed that you become paranoid - a form of mania. So depressed that you start to see your friends in the distance in the while walking around the neighborhood in tears. So paranoid that you believe you Need to complete your Bachelor's in Two weeks. So paranoid you believe that everyone hates you. I call the feeling the suck out of soul the first time.

Mania - (Really hypomania) Colors are 3D. So 3D that Andy Warhol Posters in the Night are like Drug induced Dreams. That Grass on the Ground has more shades of green than should be possible. That you notice that smooth plastic actually has little bumps to it. So happy and engaged that you are willing to try anything, once, if you were not afraid of your parents. And that you have a tendency to get a little too angry. And the idea of sex sounds amazing. To the point where you can smell people. They smell different. Better. Delicious.

And drugs take most of this away. Not all mind you. Most. I refuse to leave me sensory deprived. I've given up one drug this year. It is better to learn to deal with who I am, and to expect that I am fairly normal, rather than treat everything as an abnormality. I'd rather see myself as getting over the difficult aspects of insanity, the misunderstandings of the limits of reality - and use its joys to my benefits. I would not take medication if I knew that I could trust every one of my feelings and sensory perceptions.

But some days, having too many shades of green grass is too much. But to lose the ability of noticing the first red-breasted robins in the park while the hyacinths bloom, the refraction of water on a tulip blossom in the rain...

I would never give that up. In the end, I rather use it as leverage that I failed at something, and learned from it, to climb the tallest peaks, both the real and proverbial, that I can.

EZ Reads 5/18/09: Mental Illness

• An interesting piece in the Forward on the battle against eating disorders and the like in the Orthodox Jewish community, talking a little about Renfrew and the OU-sponsored upcoming day-long conference featuring their documentary "Hungry to be Heard".
• A father calls for his son's suicide to be an appeal for awareness regarding mental illnesses.
• An xckd titled "Helping" that serves as a good reminder to help people find professional help:
  

Observing Depression

Via Chana, the latest edition of Stern College's paper, The Observer, is out. In addition to a well-done interview with our favorite smiling friend, Jameel of the Muqata, this issue's main thrust is depression, particularly as it pertains to the Orthodox community. I've just spent time reading through every one of the pieces on the subject, and credit is due to The Observer's staff for doing a fantastic job in covering as much on the subject as could be hoped for in such a publication and more.

From Chana's post:

Those of you who remember Rabbi Nathaniel Helfgot's groundbreaking article entitled "Dimensions: A Young Man's Story of Torment: Surviving Depression," which was published in Jewish Action in 2001 will be thrilled to see he has followed it up with an interview he has given us at The Observer. The interview includes his thoughts on how depression is perceived by the Jewish community now that it's been 8 years since his original article, how he came to write that piece, and other thoughts and suggestions regarding depression.

As part of our powerhouse lineup on the series, we also have an interview with Dr. David Pelcovitz on depression. This offers a different point of view, because rather than discussing the issue from personal experience, Dr. Pelcovitz answers in his capacity of psychologist.

See the rest of our articles on depression and mental health in the Features section.

R' Helfgot's interview is interesting and extremely clear; Dr. Pelcovitz's is illuminating from the other end. The aforementioned Features section covers depression by giving an overview of depression in addition to discussing it as it pertains to YU and Stern, how it can affect shidduchim, and of course by discussing mental-health helpers and organizations. It is an interesting, informative, and important issue, and again - kudos to The Observer on a job very well done.

SerandEz On Crack

That's probably not such a good title... Ah well. I started using a "stuff to post" folder in my bookmarks sidebar recently, figuring it'd be easy to put together posts and articles I really enjoyed or thought were worthy of greater dissemination, but don't have much to add to them. This latest pull started a few days ago, and as I waited to post due to the sudden burst from my friends, it built up way too fast - there's just too much worthwhile stuff out there. The following is the latest batch; some are serious, some are not; some will move you, some will make you cry; some will make you laugh, and some are just plain interesting. Enjoy!

Just so you know, this is how I grew up:

You know what else makes you question things? Waking up in Cleveland, Ohio, and looking north out the window of your Marriott hotel room and realizing that there’s a barely discernible line out there in the distance, and that that line separates the gray lake from the slightly less gray air; then going down to breakfast and watching out the window as two men carrying stacks of overstuffed binders walk straight into the teeth of the wind screaming o Lake Erie, their faces being savaged by tiny airborne razor blades; then going back up to your room and looking out your window again and observing that, while the gray slab of day has lightened a little, the contrast between lake and sky is still imperceptible; and then finally realizing that the people of Cleveland live a large portion of their lives inside a howling, subfreezing, youth-repelling, job-vanishing, anti-light box.

That's part of a really fascinating piece on LeBron James in GQ. Also, Broadway apologized to Cleveland for making fun of it in an ad, and is giving out free tickets to people with Ohio licenses! Elsewhere...

Israel vs. Gaza:

• A Soldier's Mother relates the difference in reactions in two cities... and what it's like to see your son for a brief moment during war.
• The best compilation of clips a person would need to show anyone why children die in Gaza. The scariest one is this really sweet kid, playing games with Hamas members as shooting is going on outside, talking about his future, them talking about his future, answering the reporter's questions... and then what the kid is doing at the very end: Acting as a lookout at night while Hamas carries out attacks and moves from place to place.
• RafiG posts Menachem Lipkin's excellent piece detailing what it's like to suddenly understand how Sderot lives, after the sirens went off in Jerusalem. (And about having a son in Gaza.)
• A piece in the WSJ notes that the Palestinians are helping Israel to defeat Hamas.
• EoZ has an amazing (old) video of an Israeli soldier using a Palestinian as a human shield. Wrong? Well, no - he used the Palestinian who had just thrown a grenade at him as a shield against that very grenade. Ridiculous.
• RafiG on the meetings between the army and R' Shteinman, with the army encouraging R' Shteinman to allow Arab workers to work. Interesting.
  

World (& Media):

• These riots are actually a bit scary. Batya has some crazy clips of protests in London against Israel, which are mostly large masses of Muslims and others chasing the British police for blocks, throwing orange cones and other items at them in the process. (Note: I'm pretty sure that there have been no violent pro-Israel demonstrations.)
• Via Yourish, watch this takedown of a CNN anchor by Israeli spokesman Mark Regev. He did a fabulous job answering every point.
  
• EoZ catches the ICRC President in quite the lie - not only is Gaza not so incredibly densely populated, but guess what is many times more densely populated than Gaza - or even Gaza City? That's right: Manhattan.
• Israel Matzav calls this the best commentary on Gaza. It's up there.
  
• Treppenwitz notes that every one of Israel's neighbors has checked into the fight.
  

Judaism & Life:

• Who wants to help Irina pick a Jewish name?
• MiI and ProfK on questions to consider when picking a school.
• R' Dr. Benzion Twerski on suicide.
• Nephtuli pointed out this interesting piece on Mr. Mom on CNN.

Depression in the Frum Community

With special thanks to AlanLaz for pointing out the follow-up to the story to me, and to many friends, family, and others for all they've shared over the years.

A young man from Toronto, studying in Ner Israel Rabbinical College (Ner Yisroel) in Baltimore, died yesterday. He was 24 years old; married; and according to all those who knew him, an incredibly wonderful young man.

According to the policeman who witnessed the event, he died when he jumped off the Millard E. Tydings Memorial Bridge on I-95 into the Susquehanna River.

This post is not to talk about his tragic death, but the immediate aftermath. Nearly every Jewish website that reported on the story claimed at the time that the young man had been in a one car crash on the windy bridge and been thrown from his vehicle into the water.*

Phil Jacobs of the Baltimore Jewish Times says it perfectly, and please read his whole piece, as it's so important:

What concerned me the most was the initial public comment that this couldn’t possibly have been a suicide, that it was an accident.
What concerns me is this propensity to cover up.
Because what this does is it discourages others who could be suffering from chronic depression from seeking help. No, not the help that their rav can give them, but the help that a licensed clinical social worker, psychologist or psychiatrist could help them with. Or stated differently, the best help the rav could give a troubled soul is a referral to a trained professional.
It is one thing to be sad, but quite another to be depressed. It is one thing to say, “I feel like killing myself,” but it’s quite another to actually find that dark place where a realization that this is “for keeps” still isn’t enough to stop one from ending his life.
There is such a daunting list of reasons why a person living in an insular life wouldn’t seek treatment. I guess going to a “shrink” could end up impacting a relative’s shidduch (dating ability). I guess getting psychological help carries with it a stigma that connects to words such as “weakness” or “instability.”
But then there is the possibility of our old friend arrogance holding power over accountability. If this was, indeed, a suicide, I fear that it was arrogance taking a troubled soul away from us. It’s the same cover, the same hurt that keeps some of us from asking for help we desperately need for ourselves or our loved ones who have been sexually molested, verbally or physically assaulted.
Our rabbis can offer up Rashi or Rambam. But we some need are therapy and yes even medications. That’s not a weakness, that’s a strength that makes sense.

Look around your table this Shabbos. How many people are there? 4? 8? Statistically, slightly over one in four people in this country suffer (about 58 million) from a diagnosable mental disorder in a given year. This rate is not lower in the Orthodox Jewish community. The odds are that around a given Shabbos table, either the person sitting on your right, on your left, across from you, or you yourself, suffer from something like depression**.

I still recall a meal we had once at someone else's house, with a number of others. It might have been a simcha of some sort, I can't recall. The topic of depression came up, and one close friend spoke out against the stigmatizing of it, noting the number just cited of 1 in 4, and then raised their hand stating openly, "Hey, I suffer from depression. I'm also doing what I can to take care of it properly." This was in front of their spouse, family members, and friends. Nobody in the family even blinked - for them, this wasn't a stigma, or "shameful". It was part of life - as with anything, you find someone who can help you and you work at it, whether with therapy, medication, exercise, or something else. I thought this was incredible, and something that is sorely lacking among far too many of us. We stigmatize so much - why? Wouldn't it be better for everyone if all those who needed help felt comfortable seeking it?

A large part of our automatic stigmatizing seems to come from lack of education and fear. We don't understand things like depression, so we're scared of it. Some people think that if someone is depressed they must be somehow "dangerous". Others think that if someone is considered depressed, they must be unhappy, and "who would want to be married to such a person". Sometimes people seem to think that it's "difficult" to deal with someone who suffers from depression. Well, maybe it can be sometimes, and certainly not everyone is equipped to deal with someone who is. Then again, after 4-1/2 years [today!], Serach will tell you that I'm pretty difficult sometimes, and I don't suffer from any mental disorders that I am aware of, and I'm sure that not everyone would be a good match for me, either. (This brings to mind this excellent old post by Pobody's Nerfect - read through the comments.) There's a profound lack of knowledge about depression and an amazing amount of misinformation. I know that I have been corrected many times in the past, and surely I still have much to learn - despite many conversations and having read plenty of material on the subject. The more we know, the easier it is to understand, help, and avoid these stigmas.

I don't know where I'm going with this, but I guess it's to repeat what Mr. Jacobs is emphasizing in his article. We need to stop stigmatizing mental illnesses, we need to be encouraging to each other who need it to seek the help they need.

Mental illness needs the same sort of tender loving care. It is not intangible, it hurts. Depression has physical pain in many instances connected to it. It shouldn’t be treated with shame nor embarrassment. Because if it is treated as a stigma, more “amazing, kind, gentle learned men,” could look for bridges to stop their pain instead of seeking our help.

And that cannot be.

* For what it's worth, VIN has since apologized and corrected the story; YeshivaWorld has not.
** I'm picking depression only because it's more common and I'm most familiar with it.

Soak Up The Sun

A wonderful line from a song I heard Saturday night, which I find fitting in so many ways, especially for this time of year:

"[Life is] not about getting what you want... it's about wanting what you've got."

Ezzie's Blog Roundup, 10/31: Content

A number of interesting reads out there today, so straight to the point... (I'm trying a new format tool; to see excerpts hit the expand button.)

Today's good reads that I enjoyed include R' Yakov Horowitz - Silence of the Voices,

...the reluctance to express one’s personal opinion is quite upsetting. Why should an individual be uncomfortable or afraid to express his views in a rational and reasonable manner? ...

When people approach me and comment that they are pleased that I am writing columns which express sentiments they have been feeling for a long time, I sometimes ask them with a deadpan expression if I can quote them by name in my next article as having supported my opinions. It is difficult to describe the horror in their eyes and the ‘deer-in-the-headlights’ look I get whenever mention that to someone. I always walk away from these conversations saddened and worried – especially they occur with people who occupy high-profile positions in our kehilos.

R' Gil Student on the idea of depression being a sin,

Additionally, and this is crucial, everyone at various points in life feel depressed. I am concerned about increasing this negative feeling by declaring it sinful. To the opposite, we should be telling people that it is normal and will pass. Why make people feel sinful about something that is perfectly normal? (Note that extreme depression to the point of being disruptive to an individual's social functioning and/or activities of daily living is a disorder that can and should be treated clinically.)

See here about why the saying "מצוה גדולה להיות בשמחה תמיד It is a great mitzvah to be constantly happy" is entirely wrong if taken at face value: link.

Gil again quoting R' Aviner on the ridiculous idea that Olmert "deserves" cancer,

C. People who make comments like this think that they will help the Nation of Israel to repent. "You see, he did this and look what happened to him." This is repentance out of fear.

Ez: I think it's similar to what was touched on in this post about Judaism & Anxiety.

and Chaim continues discussing copying music that a person once owned - a very interesting discussion.

I maintain that there is a loss when a person copies it if he lost or damaged an old CD. There is a loss that up until recently he had to buy it again. This is the process with any other type of product you purchase and break or lose. I think that by using his logic your devaluing the original disc itself. Which gives way for people who think that no one loses if I copy my friends disc because there was no "PHYSICAL" item being stolen.

Elsewhere... Comments from the Peanuts Gallery joins the J-blogosphere with two very good posts; Parshablog (Josh Waxman) [via JBM] discusses R' Moshe's teshuva on stockings, which to my understanding makes them sound like a chumra; and this latest TEDTalk on electroshock therapy and depression was fascinating, particularly as the speaker is talking a lot about his own experiences.

Some Good Reads...

• Jameel & JBM discuss Tzohar's trying to give their own hechsher on heter mechira where the Rabbanut won't. Interesting.

The rest all via Freakonomics, which is sometimes really interesting, though it's on and off:

• On teaching kids things at a very early age, and whether it helps them later on (basically "no"). Excerpt:

  They found that the children were very much a product of what they were exposed to by their parents: between 86 and 98 percent of the words in their vocabularies were also words their parents used. Across four years, the average child from a professional family would have heard nearly 45 million words spoken to them, the average child from a working class family, 26 million, and the average child from a family on welfare, 13 million. That means that compared with the affluent child, the poor child would be starting school with an astonishing deficit of 32 million words of language experience. How can that child's entire educational career not, on some level, become a demoralizing case of catchup? As long as parents are exposing their children to a nurturing, vibrant environment, reading to them regularly, and speaking with them intelligently, they should feel free to put the flash cards away.

• This one is about race and happiness, but I thought a separate line was interesting:

  Are you happy? Well don't try to be happier; you might become less happy. That is the gist of a multi-cultural study published recently in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology.

  It's an interesting argument, depending on what that means...
• Finally, Levitt is proud of his kid figuring out how to cheat. Nice.
  

I found it all interesting, anyway. What do you think on the happiness and education pieces?

PSAs, PSAs

• Does anyone know of support groups for frum people who suffer from depression? Please put it in the comments or e-mail me.
• The protests against Ahmadinejad's appearances seem to be going on all day at the UN and at Columbia; I'd go to the one at the UN, which isn't a bad walk, but I have to help welcome the new first-years to the firm. If you can go, though, I'd recommend going.
• The 60 Minutes interview with Ahmadinejad is now up online (thanks David).
• I still need to put up recipes, I know...
• I'm not sure what's stranger about the plays just before the Browns' field goal got blocked yesterday. After spiking it with 18 seconds left to make it 2nd-and-10, I didn't understand why they took risks on passing when they could have run it for 5 yards, spiked it, and kicked. But it worked out anyway, because the Browns completed a 12-yard pass with 3 seconds left on the sideline. I just don't get how they did that, seeing as how the Raiders dropped ALL 11 players (!) into coverage on the play before, and yet still allowed a sideline catch?! The Browns had no timeouts, they had to throw sideline or throw it away... weird.
  

Ezzie's Blog Roundup, 8/1: A Gut Nacht/Morgen

Those who know me will be happy to hear that I got a haircut. Elsewhere, I feel like Gagne will only cause (small) problems for the Red Sox. A few good reads, now that I've actually had some time to read blogs at 4-5 in the morning...

• Bonus: Hilarious video at Jewbiquitous. Jack, you'll like this one.
• 5) Greg reports that a Kosher Subway is coming to Baltimore. At least they're being smart and using the pareve cheese, unlike the one in Flatbush.
• 4) Orthomom has a solid post as usual on a recent billboard battle.
• 3) The PsychoToddler clan gets the typical "Welcome to Israel" runaround.
• 2) Rivka debates whether to open up to her rav; I think this is something that so many struggle with silently.
• 1) Harry tells over a wonderful story about Simcha Weddings in Chicago. Wow. (via Kindness Happens)
  

Have a wonderful morning!

I Hate Friday Afternoons

Being in the west coast, there is nothing worse than fridays after 2:00pm. I mean, I'm so bored. There is not that much work to do, and the work there is, I try to push it off for mondays. All the bloggers have left work for home and are getting ready for shabbat. This is hell. It really is. I'm staring at the monitor hoping somone will come on wanting to talk to me....but they never come. Damn I'm bored. Bored, bored, bored. Maybe I need an imaginary friend or something. So quiet here, so very quiet.

"Isn't anyone tryin to find me?
Won't somebody come take me home
It's a damn cold night
Trying to figure out this life
Wont you take me by the hand
take me somewhere new
I dont know who you are
but I... I'm with you"

-Avril Lavigne

Bored, bored, bored

Thinking About Quiting (Don't worry, it's not Ezzie)

So lately I have been giving serious thought to quiting the blog scene. I was looking for my own "pot of gold at the end of the rainbow" only to realize, its just an illusion. I don't see a point in continuing. Frankly, the blogs have harmed my life much more than I thought. Everything from shalom bayit to my relationship with mere acquaintances has been affected by the blogs. I think the only logical thing to do is to stop.

I AM curious to know why do some of you blog. Are you looking for something, or just want to share some thoughts? Has it been a postive experience for the most part or not? Have you met new friends? New enemies? :)

Depressing Post

So I've been kind of depressed lately. It started with the heavy debates going on XGH's site, and now, (yesterday), I got word that my uncle's wife father died. It was all quite sudden. He was not feeling well and took some x-rays. He was told that there was some clog in his arteries and that he would need open heart surgery. From what I heard, sometime either during the surgery or after, he got a stroke and never woke up from the anesthesia. He was like this for 2 weeks. Yesterday he passed away. This really got me thinking of how life is so short and how you never know when your time is up.

When I was a in my early teens. Maybe 11 or 12, I wasn't afraid of death (as most teens aren't). I had it in my head, that most likely, Mashiach will come and everything will be fine. After all, according to some opinions the world is only supposed to last 6000 years which is only in a about 233 years to go. And since most likely I would live to be 120 years old, I had a good 50/50 shot at him coming during my lifetime. It was just not something that I was worried about. Well, I don't think like that anymore. Every since I have become a father, deaths ugly fact has become a fact to me. Sometimes, its all i think about. This is one of the reason I just refuse to fly anymore. Death is a fact. It will get me. But I don't want it to get me now. Not now. So much I want to do, and learn. But who am I to have this request. Many people younger than me have died unexpectedly. There is no reason for me to think I have plenty of years to go before thinking about death. It can happen any day now.

I guess Judaim really thought this through with the Modeh Ani. Maybe I should start saying it.

Are you prepared to lie to the Shadchan about....

After some very interesting Shabbos table discussions, I'm left trying to formulate an opinion on what seems to be a big issue. So I turn to those faithful SerandEz readers for your thoughts, in the hope that someone inspires me.

The question: How should issues like eating disorders and depression be treated in the Shidduch-world? If a "teenage problem" is "solved" by the time a girl or boy returns from his/her year in israel, does a prospective spouse need to know about it?
(notice the strategic placement of quotation marks; hamayvin yavin.)