Honesty and The Jewish Community III: Rabbi C.

(continued from here)

Back in high school, I can only recall three instances where I felt that lying might be the best course of action. In the first, I believe I or the friend I was with misled someone; in the second, I avoided the question; and in the third, I believe I told the truth. To this day, all three of the stories bother me for different reasons, but the important lessons actually come from the people who placed me in the situations by asking difficult questions.

WITS, my high school, has a number of interesting rules. Some people may accept these as baseline givens; others may think them strange if not outright crazy. A recent news story involving a basketball player at a religious university touches on what I believe to be an important point: Regardless of what one thinks of a set of rules, if a person accepts those rules upon themselves, then breaking those rules means accepting the consequences as well. In WITS, some rules included no talking to girls, no non-Jewish music and no headphones, no movies, and no sports betting or pools.

Being a relatively poor out-of-town kid in high school, extended off weekends where people could choose to go home if they wished often meant I was one of a handful of students who would remain in the school. This was actually awesome to those of us who stuck around - we had a lot of free time and freedom, we would make some really great food, and we would often go have fun we otherwise didn't have time to do, from playing golf at a local public par-3 course to attending Bucks and Brewers games. The longer weekends, though, could get pretty boring, and when I was a sophomore a junior friend asked me if I wanted to come with him to see a new movie, Enemy of the State, starring Will Smith. When we came back, one of the rebbeim was heading out from the campus and asked us where we'd been. On the way back we had stopped at OpenPantry (like 7/11), so my friend replied we were on the way back from there. The rebbe seemed skeptical, but simply noted that we are required to check out before going off-campus, which we apologized for.

A year and a half later, our principal Rabbi C. confronted me in the parking lot of the campus after asking me to walk him to his car. As any high school kid might be, I was a bit nervous. However, he asked me a very surprising question: "Are you aware of an NCAA pool in the yeshiva?" The evening before, a friend who often helped me run the annual underground pool had said "Ezzie, I think this year you should let a couple other people run the pool. The Rabbeim are certainly going to be on the lookout this year and the first person they're going to ask is you." [I had been previously shut down for running a pool.] We agreed that the others would run the pool, and I wouldn't be involved at all now that it was already set up. I replied to Rabbi C. that I was not running a pool this year. He then replied "I didn't ask if you were running a pool; I asked if you were aware of one." I again replied simply that I was not running one, and he did not press the point, letting me go.

About one year later, during my senior year, for whatever reason the Super Bowl (which until then had been shown at WITS albeit with no commercials) was not going to be shown - perhaps because of the way winter break worked out, I can't recall. I had a conversation with Rabbi C. about it, and was told essentially that it was not being shown despite the case I made for it, so I decided to watch it at a friend's house, who ironically was an employee of WITS. The next day, Rabbi C. called me in and told me that he was upset about what I did and I was to receive an in-house suspension - forced to remain in my room - until such time as I understood what I did wrong. The next day at lunch, I came down to speak to him and explained that while I believe I understood why he was so upset, I did not understand the extent of the punishment. He explained that he was dismayed that I had lied to him, and when I was taken aback, he said he had specifically told me during our conversation not to watch the game elsewhere and I had said I would not. I answered that I honestly did not recall such a statement and that I thought I had agreed not to press further that it would not be shown in the school, and he lifted the suspension. While he was certain he had said not to go elsewhere, he believed me that I had not recalled it and therefore it wasn't right to punish me further. (He also removed the grade losses I'd have incurred from the suspension, changing them to excused absences.)

In all three situations, and in other instances which occurred with friends throughout high school, the key was how our Rabbeim approached honesty and integrity. Generally, if a person was being asked about something that they may have done, it was with good reason. Yet unless there was specific evidence that showed someone was lying, students were taken at their word. It was up to us to be honest, not up to them, and if we made a statement, we were believed to be truthful about whatever it is we were saying. Perhaps more importantly, they never wanted us to lie or feel compelled to lie - they would rather stop a conversation than make it worse by forcing the student to lie to hide something or protect someone, at least in my experience.

Thinking back to and about WITS, one of the traits I find most interesting about both the Rabbeim and my friends who went there is how almost without exception they were - and are to this day - incredibly honest. There are certainly numerous reasons this may be true, particularly the incredible focus on mussar and the specific emphasis on avoiding rationalization of improper behavior. But this approach alone would not be enough: Seeing our Rabbeim living it day to day was by far the best example of all. For all the disagreements we may have had with them as immature or even as rarely correct high school kids, there was never a question as to the integrity of the Rabbeim, particularly our principal and rosh yeshiva Rabbi C. He felt and taught us that to succeed in life, we must be fully honest not only with others, but particularly with ourselves. Unless a person is honest with himself, he cannot be honest with his life or with others.

(to be continued)

Movin' Groovin'

On Sunday, I received a call from one of my best friends in the world, Groovin'. We talked for about three minutes. Last night, I tried reaching him quickly after a Lander Alumni Council meeting to see if I could catch him, but it was too late. The next time I speak to him, he'll have fulfilled one of his lifelong dreams: Become an olah. {Shortly thereafter, he'll fulfill another one which the rest of us have joked about for a decade: Live in a caravan.}

I'm hoping to catch the Nefesh B'Nefesh video of his charter flight tonight, but I know already that I'm going to find it more than a little surreal. For some reason, it just doesn't click that he, his amazing wife, and their two beautiful little girls have somehow pulled this off and are really going through with this - even though we've all known for years that if there was going to be someone to do it first it would be him. I'll never forget a conversation we had during our first year in Israel, when I asked him if perhaps he was moving a little too fast; his response to me was simply, "I don't know, it's possible. But perhaps you're moving a little too slow?" Once again, Groovin' is calmly moving ahead in life, taking the next step confidently but carefully, knowing exactly what he's doing and what to do if he hits a point where he doesn't.

~~~

Growing up in Cleveland, I didn't actually know Groovin' all that well during our early years. He was in a different (more charedi) school until 7th grade, and when he came to the Hebrew Academy of Cleveland, he immediately took geek status with his long lanky frame and propensity to talk to himself in class. But by 8th grade, I was sitting behind him every morning on the window side of the classroom, with Deep Throat in front of him and L'il Jason to his left. By the middle of the year, we'd all settled on attending WITS for high school, and over the years, we all - along with DGEsq - became incredibly close. Groovin' and I roomed together in both our junior and senior years in WITS before moving on to OJ for our first year in Israel. Ironically, OJ was never originally in my plans; there had been another Clevelander two years ahead of us in WITS who had attended OJ a couple of years before, and one of my rabbeim surprisingly (to me) suggested that based on his success there, I would get a lot out of it as well. That strong and strong-willed young man who had grown up right near him was also extremely close to Groovin', and I'm sure that played a role in his coming to OJ as well.

After OJ, we both moved on to Lander. A couple of years later, I was married, and Groovin' was enjoying his times in Lander, in no rush to date. DeepThroat had come back to Lander to study, Li'l Jason was finishing up YU and had moved to Kew Gardens Hills, and DGEsq had gotten married and lived down the block. For the first time, all five of us lived within 3 minutes of one another, and it was awesome. A short while later, though, Groovin' "ruined" it, going out with our OJ predecessor's sister and of course, marrying her {on Super Bowl Sunday, no less!} and moving back to Cleveland. Groovin' then developed an incredible series of spreadsheets to help track all their expenses so they could start saving money and I believe he utilized that to start putting away for them to make aliyah. [As an aside, it was seeing the detail on those spreadsheets which helped spurn the Jewish Economics Survey, and Groovin's actuarial background has helped in its development. Of course, his spreadsheets were quickly made obsolete by Mint.com.]

Even with them moving, it's nice to be living in the 21st Century. Between Skype and Gmail and all the other technology we have today, odds are good that we'll be in better touch than we were even when they were living in Cleveland. It doesn't feel like they're moving to a place where we'll never see them; it's more of a feeling of "it's going to be a little harder to drop in on them than it used to be..."

I'm not sure why I'm writing this; perhaps I think that somehow this will make it click that he's really making aliyah as I'm doing this. It's odd - while it's impossible to imagine them making aliyah, it's also impossible to imagine them not making aliyah. This is such a core essence of who they are and what they're intended to do in this world. Groovin' and Classy and their girls are to a large extent the epitome of what NbN wants and what Israel needs: Bright, dedicated, reliable, amazing people who are starting out and who will help build the country in whatever way they can. That's just who they are.

If you're awake, take a few minutes and watch the NbN charter flight land. It's incredibly emotional even if you don't know a soul making the trip. In addition to Groovin's family, I believe we know at least one other family on this flight. Watch the people step off that plane and step onto the ground with that welcoming crowd... it's incredible to see. Who knows? Maybe you'll see Groovin'.

He's kind of hard to miss.

Bring Out Your Dead

+2 if you know the next line!

It's been a busy week, what with Purim and all. On Motzei Shabbos, I'll be assisting in running the third annual WITS Alumni 2-on-2 Tournament (Marty Madness 2.0, as former NBA player Marty Conlon is joining up again this year) at Chofetz Chaim in Kew Gardens Hills, as the alumni director Jay had a baby this week and can't fly in for it. The video from last year's is here.

Hopefully it'll be fun and go off without any hitches.

Best part is that sometime after that, and before 11am the next morning, I have to prepare for my fantasy baseball draft. I only just last night was able to start analyzing anything and figure out who I want at #3... A-Rod not being in the draft stinks, as it's unlikely Hanley Ramirez will be there for me to take. As of now I'm thinking that Ramirez and Pujols will be 1-2, which means I can choose from Wright, Utley, Reyes, or someone else. I don't want Reyes, and Utley's hip is enough of a concern coupled with plenty of 2B depth all around that Wright is my likely pick, though Sizemore, Manny, and Braun are enticing. Hard to justify taking an OF there, though.

I have a feeling that a lot of good pitchers will be undervalued in the draft, and I'm typically a fan of guys who have multiple positions because of the added flexibility it gives me. If Braun had 3B eligibility, I'd probably lean toward him. Of course, as Rea knows, the guy with the #1 pick loves Braun and might just take him, which would leave me Hanley or Pujols. That would be amazing.

Have a great Shabbos!

Chickies!

When I was in WITS, preparations for Purim started officially right after Chanukah ended. Shabbos zemiros started to include the more "chazzanish" Shoshanas Yaakov, Mishenichnas Adar, and of course, everyone's favorite in Milwaukee, Chayav Inish.

Once Adar itself hit, the pranks and shtick would start. Seniors usually led the way, but every grade was doing stuff, while the Beis Medrash guys would be putting up hilarious signs and having an "election" for Purim Rav, replete with campaign stickers, ads, buttons, and the like. The pranks would sometimes lean into the extreme, and the most commonly used prop to add a little life to any good idea was to insert dummies. This was usually incredible - WITS is a huge old mansion on the shores of Lake Michigan (bought for $600,000 when it was worth ~$1.5m at the time) with a grand entrance hall, so there's a nice area to set up themes. When I was a freshman, the seniors set up a full-scale bar, complete with a drunk and a bartender. As a sophomore, the seniors built a jail cell, including a guy pleading with his hands stretched through the bars, a guy sleeping, and a guy throwing up into a toilet (which they'd inserted into the cell). Once in a while, the dummies would go a bit too far; the class that hung one out a front window to be Haman resulted in cops showing up, as people driving by thought they saw something a little less innocent.

Rosh Chodesh, though, was typically the beginning, and was a smaller prank. Taking the whole school's shoes and spelling out "100" in a construction area where $100 fines were assessed for going, spelling out Adar in the main hall... cute but nothing too special. This year, it appears that the seniors at WITS went all out on cuteness, buying up a bunch of baby chicks and then, during breakfast, letting them roam free. Later, they gathered them up* and brought them to the science lab, learned a little about how to take care of them (positioning lights to keep them warm, etc.), before sending them at the end of the day to the Wisconsin Aviary. Here's a video with a few pictures and a few seconds of video:

Enjoy! :)

* Whenever I think of animals roaming free during a prank I think of the classic prank letting pigs/cows/sheep numbered 1, 2, and 4 roam free through a school and watching the school gather them up.

Blind Melon

Holyman, I tell you man you gotta believe in what you see
Cause its you that corrupt us man and deep throat philosophy
I don't need your spells or the little games you try to pull on me
Come to think of it I don't need your religion

YD has a short but well-put post on chanoch l'na'ar al pi darko [educate each child according to his way] up at Adventures in Chinuch. A short excerpt:

Unfortunately, our school systems offer little variety in terms of Jewish education. The usual Gemara, Chumash, Navi, Halacha, Ivrit classes make up 99% of what our schools are teaching. Additionally, not enough is being done in the area of creativity to spark learning interest (although this is a good example of what a little hard work can do). This is not a simple subject to approach, due to the myriad of factors that are involved, but one that needs to be addressed. And if we don't, we are in danger of producing students who say, "Come to think of it, I don't need your religion."

I recall telling Jewish Atheist on more than one occasion after hearing some of his arguments and experiences that while we grew up similarly in many ways, had he simply had a better education he would undoubtedly be a happy, religious Jew today. While he might disagree with that assessment, or even more likely say that he "hopes not" because of what he thinks of Judaism and its teachings in the present, it is so often the case among the skeptical bloggers and others who have abandoned Judaism that they were presented with a one-size-fits-all education approach. Note that this is not a problem exclusive whatsoever to "Yeshivish" schools, but is sometimes just as true in Modern Orthodox institutions as well, as is clear from books, the skeptic blogs, and good old anecdotal information.

Once a person feels truly excluded from the Judaism they are being brought up in, they are as likely to abandon it quickly as they are to find another 'branch' that suits them better. While obviously having every school teach every viewpoint would be impractical and slightly ridiculous, it is important to balance whatever is being taught with an understanding that in many areas there are multiple viewpoints. The reason the one being taught is preferred within a hashkafa can be for various reasons - but that others do in fact disagree.

I've long felt that one of the best portions of my own education was a little, easily forgettable [somewhat] weekly program that WITS has for seniors called STAMP - Senior Torah And Mussar Perspectives. One objective of it was to present important subjects and somewhat controversial subjects within the Orthodox community in a framework that explained fairly both sides of these debates. The style was a short introduction explaining both sides by the Rebbe - including pros and cons, praises and criticisms - followed by a fully open question and answer session for 45 minutes, at which point it would end no matter what. By being able to learn about and discuss these subjects, we gained not only a greater understanding of them, but we were able to see why we were educated and taught a certain way and judge for ourselves whether that was appropriate for us and what would be appropriate for us and our families going forward.

I think there needs to be greater implementation of similar programs, though it is sadly difficult to find people who can fairly represent sides with which they do not agree. (I am still impressed that Rabbi Cheplowitz in WITS was able to do so so well at that time.) I also think such programs should not wait until one is a senior in high school, though certainly there are different levels of understanding and it should be suited to each age bracket. What we were presented with as seniors would certainly have been disastrous as freshmen.

Hopefully, at some point, such programs will no longer even be necessary.

Ezzie's NFL Pool, Year XII

Ever since I started high school, I've been running an annual football pool. [Shh, don't tell.] Back then, the pool was $1 (the first year) to $5 (the other years) per week, with a small discount if you were in for the whole season. Before the NFL was full of so much equality, I came up with a system that one year allowed me to win five of the last seven weeks and the overall total. Unfortunately, that doesn't work anymore - I finished 14th of 27 last year, the first time I was out of the top 10 that I can recall. Ah, nostalgia.

This year, I am running the pool for the 12th year. I'm conveniently ignoring that the pool was a failure for the two years I was in Israel; after all, the guys in WITS ran it without me those years anyway before re-joining mine. The pool is a weighted pool that awards each week and overall - if you know what that is, skip the next paragraph.

The pool has used the same rules for all the years: Each week, every person picks the winners of every game and assigns a weight between 1 and the total number of games to each winner, using each number once. They are then awarded points based on which games they got correct. People tend to put their highest numbers on the games they think are most likely to be correct (say, 16 on the Patriots hosting the Jets) and lower numbers on closer games (say, a 4 on the Browns hosting the Cowboys). Whoever got the most points in a given week would be the winner, and there would be overall winners at the end of the season based on cumulative totals.

So... here's the e-mail that was just sent out. Note that I keep nothing other than my winnings, but I do not pay an entry fee. Welcome to Ezzie's NFL Pool 2008! First order of thumb: The fee for the pool is $125. If I receive your money by September 3rd, 2008 (note: NOT if you send it - I must receive it), you get a $25 discount and must pay just $100. If you don't get your money in before September 10th, you must pay a $25 penalty, or $150. To join just for an individual week will be $10.

Winnings will only be determined after I've received everyone's money. As a gauge, 25 people paying on time would allow for $100/$10 to the weekly winners, $400/$150/$50/$30 to the overall; 30 would be 120/20 and 400/150/50/20; 35 would be 125/25/5 and 500/200/100/50/15; and 40 would be 125/40/10 and 600/250/100/50/25.

It's the standard rules from every year (weighted each week, 1 through however many games). Feel free to forward this to whomever you know; if you bring in 5 new people, you get 50% off, and if you bring in 10, you get a free entry. If anyone has questions as to the rules, feel free to email me.

I'd prefer if you send me money via Paypal if possible, but that has an additional $4 charge from Paypal if you are not a verified member, so add that if you are using it - serandez@gmail.com is my Paypal email. If you'd prefer to send a check, e-mail me for my address.

If you're interested in joining the pool, click the link below. You'll be asked to enter the pool's password before you can join. The pool password is included below.

http://ezzie.football.sportsline.com/e

Our Pool password is: Pay Up!

I'm also considering running a survivor pool once again, but I won't do so unless there's enough interest. E-mail me if you're interested.

Ezzie's Blog Roundup, 5/01: WOO!

It's quite a happy day, with not only busy season being "OVAH!" [in the words of Kenny Smith], but as noted below, one of my best friends is engaged - Mazel Tov Moshe!!!

So, in that regard, a few things that made me smile:

• Just Another Stern Girl reminded me of a story (I'd actually seen on ESPN but am too lazy to find) of an amazing act of sportsmanship that I'd like to think we'd all do - but these girls actually did. Awesome.
• Indexed has a good message on today's card.
• And a good friend of my brother's, who is [I believe] the assistant Rav in Kesher Israel in Harrisburg, PA (where SIL hails from), and has done amazing work there, gave the opening prayer to Congress recently. David Linn has the short clip - very cool. R' Akiva Males actually grew up near us in Cleveland, went to WITS with my brother, got his smicha from Chofetz Chaim (RSA) [across the street from our old apartment] in Kew Gardens Hills where my brother learns, and then moved to Harrisburg.
  

Enjoy!

Baruch Dayan HaEmes

UPDATED From R' Hayim Schwartz of Yeshivas Chofetz Chaim in Kew Gardens Hills, via JL:

With a profound sense of loss that can't be quantified, it pains me to inform you of the passing a few minutes ago of our dear, beloved, respected Rebbe, Hagaon Harav Henach Leibowitz a"h.

The levaya for Rebbe zatzal will be tomorrow, Wednesday, at 12 noon 1:30pm, at the Yeshiva, 76-01 147th Street, in Kew Gardens Hills.

Kevura will be at Mount Judah Cemetery on the Jackie Robinson Parkway.

Baruch Dayan HaEmes.

UPDATES [click to expand - lots of important information, including call-in and online viewing information]

via JH:

Audio/Video Hook-Up Information

To access the video feed: go to http://rsavideo.noblejewels.net
If you access it before the Levaya, you should see a sign about the
Levaya being at 1:30 pm.

There will iy"H be two (2) phone hook-ups for the Levaya. The numbers are:
1-218-936-1600; enter code 7601147
(accommodates only 150 callers)

or

1-712-432-1001; enter code 431238585
(accommodates 1000 callers)

It has been suggested that as these lines can get very busy, it is
advisable to call in early - even up to an hour before (12:30 PM), to
increase your chances of being connected.

via YS:

There will be a phone hookup of the levaya starting at 1:30pm. The number is 218-936-1600. Access number 7601147.

via JL from NS:

1. To accomodate the huge interest in listening to tomorrow's Levaya (our regular service could only accomodate 150 lines), we have arranged a second service with 1000 lines, at a different, second number. Call 712-432-1001, and use access number 431 23 8585#.

2. The Yeshiva has also been able to set up a live video feed of the Levaya which you can access from your personal computer. Connect to http://pointers.audiovideoweb.com/asxfiles-live/1c2winlive6951.asx. There are no limits to the number of people who can access this video feed, and it is accessible from anywhere in the world.*\*

3. To accomodate the fact that all the local yeshivos are already off for Pesach and kids are home, some local girls have volunteered and offered to create a babysitting room during the Levaya, to enable mothers to attend Rebbe's Levaya undisturbed. Mothers should prepare by writing their child's name and their cell phone/emergency number on a small card and pin it to each child or infant they bring. Include any allergy information. Mothers should also be aware that there are no toys or supplies in Yeshiva and should send everything their child may need, labeled with their child's name, including (but not limited to) diapers, wipes, pacifiers, bottles, snacks, drinks, toys, books, anything these girls will need to take care of your young child (please only boys till age 6) during the Levaya. They cannot take responsibility for any lost items. Babysitting will begin a few minutes before the Levaya and will conclude a few minutes after the Levaya. This babysitting room will be in the Blatt Shiur Room on the lower level of the Yeshiva, across the hall from where women will be able to sit during the Levaya.

4. All women who come to the Levaya should please enter through the side entrance to the Yeshiva on 147th Street and proceed downstairs to the Dining Room where chairs and a large video screen have been set up for them. If you are bringing a stroller and/or need to use the elevator, enter the building through the left side of the Campus Plaza, near the office, and proceed to the elevator.

5. Any private busses that may be coming should park on 150th Street. The police have set up that street as a staging area.

6. 147th Street in front of the Yeshiva will be closed to vehicular traffic beginning at 12:30 pm, from 73rd Avenue through 77th Avenue. Please attempt to car pool as parking near the Yeshiva is very limited.

7. After the Levaya, the aron will be driven up to Union Turnpike and will make a right turn onto Union Turnpike. Any and all cars going to the Bais Hakevaros should line up behind the hearse on Union Turnpike and down 147th Street. The local police department plans to shut down Union Turnpike to other vehicular traffic, to enable the expected, large funeral procession to proceed unencumbered.

7. Rabbi Welcher shlita has paskened that any talmid who went through the Rosh HaYeshiva's Blatt Shiur and/or who feels very saddened by the passing of Rebbe zatzal should tear kriah on their shirt after the Levaya, with shem umalchus, Those not attending the Levaya should do so at 3 pm DST.

8. We hope everyone understands the huge operation that we are attempting to perform and will bear with us if there are any snags. We apologize in advance for any difficulties we may experience. We just want to perform Kavod Acharon for our beloved Rebbe zatzal.

Marty Madness

It's a very busy day, and I have a pair posts in draft that I'm working on, but in the meantime, please enjoy this great video that former WITSer Reuben Paris put together. The video is from this past Motzei Shabbos, centering around former NBA player Marty Conlon, a player on the Milwaukee Bucks whom a number of WITS guys built a fan base for called Marty Madness (I think) back in the day.

He was and is a really nice guy, a mensch - he conducts youth basketball clinics and is involved with Big Brothers/Big Sisters and the Special Olympics, according to the NBA profile of him - and everyone had a lot of fun at the 2nd annual WITS Alumni 2-on-2 tournament, with Marty joining in on the fun. I was forced to miss the tournament (as was my brother OD - I was hoping to play basketball with him for the first time in my life [!], as we're 8.5 years apart), much to my chagrin, but my friend Sal stopped by afterwards to give me a positive report.

He averaged 10 points on 53% shooting and 5 rebounds in 25 minutes a game while appearing in every game for the Bucks in 1994-1995, when the WITS guys formed the Marty Madness group. His teammate for the tournament was Arizona's Reuven Becker, and their opponents in the final were the very tall and talented Winter brothers from St. Louis. Want to know who won? You'll just have to watch. :)

Finally, a shout out to my good friends from the class of 2001, the always funny Shalom & stoic Sal, on their graciousness in defeat. At least you lasted a couple of minutes longer than I did last year...!

Whatever Happened to Brains

I really enjoyed this post by Jewboy, discussing the need to plan for the future when one is in yeshiva.

What strikes me about the decision making I see from many of my peers and those younger than me is the lack of cognizance of the need to consult those older than them when it comes to important choices. As I faced decisions, I sought out not only rebbeim as many yeshiva bochurim do but also baal habatim who were 5-10 years older than me who I knew had similar backgrounds and interests. Many conversations I had with some of my older friends were quite illuminating. One friend who had several children cautioned me that it was important to make a career plan now, before I was looking to get married, because he had seen the bad experiences many of his yeshiva friends had had when they started large families, only to discover a few years down the road that they had no marketable skills or training with which to support their families. Today, I am extraordinarily happy that I followed his advice.

And yet, so many of the young men I know refuse to follow along this path. They think that it is enough that their rebbeim counsel them to stay in yeshiva, and not give a thought to college or any type of career training while they pile child upon child, many times relying on parents or in laws to support them. Why do these young men not feel the need, as I did, to speak to peers that went through the same travails?

I still recall a conversation I had with a Rebbe in a certain yeshiva I was in for a few months. When the yeshiva heard I was unhappy and planning on leaving, they appointed a few different rabbeim to speak to me and try to convince me to stay. (The irony in this runs deep, but I digress...) I recall the conversation with one of them, who did not know who I was when I introduced myself nor anything about me; only "Oh, right, R' ____ asked me to speak with you, right." He asked me if I minded walking him home while we talked on the way.

As we started to walk up the hill toward his home, he asked me a few basic questions, including what my plans were for the coming year. I responded that I was likely going to be going to Lander College. He questioned why I was going to college, to which I looked at him, slightly confused, as I really didn't understand what he was asking. After a couple of seconds I responded that I needed to get a degree so I can make a living. He immediately spoke up and said simply

"That's a copout."

I was taken completely aback, but I recovered enough after a few seconds to mumble something along the lines of "You don't know me, you don't know my family, we don't have any money..." or something along those lines. He responded that it's still a copout and I was just looking for a way out of staying in yeshiva. I was too dumbfounded to respond, and spent the next 15 minutes of conversation trying to figure out how to have any constructive conversation with him. The walk ended at the door of his home, when he said "I don't believe there's anything I can do for you".*

When this is the mentality of one's rabbeim, whom one is taught to look up to as people who are worthy of respect and who have acquired wisdom, it makes it very difficult for students. They are pressured by rabbeim and mentalities such as these to make life decisions that are not at all in their best interests. Contrast that with advice I heard quoted in the name of one of my rebbeim from WITS, explaining the concept of finding a rav for oneself:

"Whatever you do, make sure you find as your da'as Torah someone who is honest and who cares more about what is good for you than what is good for him or some 'ideal'."

The problem is when those rabbeim are so hard to find...

* (As a note, I left that yeshiva and returned to OJ within the next couple of weeks, on the advice and counsel of family, friends, former Rabbeim, and other Rabbonim.)

Sleep & School

Orthomom notes an absolutely fascinating study about how much of an effect sleep has on kids' functioning in school. Read the whole thing.

I think this is particularly interesting, as I've always been the "guy who doesn't sleep"... unless you ask my mother or Serach, who argue that I make up for it in the morning. Which, of course, is partially true. When I was in 7th grade, I likely went to sleep far later than most of my peers. Not only was I up late, I simply couldn't fall asleep for hours and hours. On the other hand, I was also the kid who would show up for minyan around Borchu at the earliest, but more often I'd go daven in the Beis Medrash downstairs in the HAC and get to breakfast a couple minutes after everybody else. In WITS, I led the school in detention (given out for coming late to curfew), piling up well over 100 hours' worth as I'd generally be awake until 2-3am... but I'd also consistently be nearing a suspension for minyan points as I'd come late for davening in the morning. This pattern has pretty much repeated itself for two decades. I go to sleep about three hours later than most people... and get up one hour later. Less sleep, but to a later point.

And yet, I was always among the sharpest in the class. In fact, I'd venture that the people I know who both stay up late but also sleep late the most are more often than not the brightest I know. They never seem groggy and rarely seem tired; they're sharp from the moment they get up (even if that is at noon or 2pm) to the moment they go to bed (4-7am). Maybe it's psychological; they feel more rested because they're getting up "late". Maybe they fall asleep faster, because they're going to sleep when their body says so, not at a proscribed time. But in light of some of the examples given in the article, I wonder if the effect is so much the amount of sleep people get as when they get that sleep. [emphasis mine]

Convinced by the mountain of studies, a handful of school districts around the nation are starting school later in the morning. The best known of these is in Edina, Minnesota, an affluent suburb of Minneapolis, where the high school start time was changed from 7:25 a.m. to 8:30. The results were startling. In the year preceding the time change, math and verbal SAT scores for the top 10 percent of Edina’s students averaged 1288. A year later, the top 10 percent averaged 1500, an increase that couldn’t be attributed to any other variable. “Truly flabbergasting,” said Brian O’Reilly, the College Board’s executive director for SAT Program Relations, on hearing the results.

Another trailblazing school district is Lexington, Kentucky’s, which also moved its start time an hour later. After the time change, teenage car accidents in Lexington were down 16 percent. The rest of the state showed a 9 percent rise.

Whenever I used to get up "early", say to borrow my friend Toast or iPay's brother's notes to study for tests at 5am, I would feel extremely groggy if I'd gone to sleep early to do so. Even though I'd gotten the same or more sleep as I normally would, I would still feel a bit less sharp. [Interestingly, if I'd stayed up late, taken a quick nap, and done this, I would still feel sharp.] And I'd feel less sharp all day - from classes in the morning to classes in the afternoon to general lethargy while playing football. But if I slept an extra half-hour to an hour in the morning, even if I'd stayed up incredibly late the night before, I'd feel sharp throughout.

Also interestingly... I never once fell asleep in class until 12th grade. (And as far as I can recall, that was the only time.) Friends would fall asleep all the time; I never understood it.

While the study is clearly referring to the difference in sleep, period, and shows that the difference starts at when kids go to sleep... I wonder if the effect is much greater in how late people sleep in the morning and not when they go to sleep at night. After all, people who go to bed earlier may lie awake for a while; but a person sleeping in the morning who gets up with an alarm will be getting definite sleep in that extra hour, at the least until their own body wakes them up. It's also extra time in the deeper and more fulfilling stages of sleep.

Anyway, it's an interesting study, with far-reaching effects. I think it's time more people learned to sleep in. :)

Sunscreen

Ladies and Gentlemen of the class of 97...

Wear sunscreen. If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it. The long term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists, whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience. I will dispense this advice now. - Intro to Mary Schmich's Chicago Tribune article [lyrics] later put to music by Buz Luhrmann - 1997

I was graduating elementary school when this was written, and it became a hit song while I was at WITS, I believe. I always thought it was excellent, not only for the advice it gave over (Don't waste your time on jealousy. Sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind. The race is long, and in the end, it's only with yourself. ... Remember compliments you receive; forget the insults. (if you succeed in doing this, tell me how). ... Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard.), but for how it was presented: Everyone has their own advice, based off of their own personal experiences - it's always good to listen to, but obviously just one person's viewpoint. It's good to take a little bit from everyone and figure out what suits your own situation best. (And obviously, this can be applied in so many aspects of life.)

I was reminded of this by R' Yakov Horowitz's article this week, which learns a slightly different lesson from... well, sunblock:

Imagine that you work in a pharmacy during the summer months. All day long, day after day, people hobble into your store suffering from the effects of painful sunburn injuries. Well, you are a compassionate person, so you dutifully guide them to the section of the drugstore where they can purchase the various sprays, creams and lotions that treat sunburn pain. One would imagine that after a while you would be quite motivated to direct all customers to purchase a tube of sun block and a hat. After all, for a tiny investment of time and money, one could prevent sunburn rather than treat it – and avoid many days of horrible anguish. ...

But even a cursory analysis of the teens at risk scene begs the question: "Why aren't we spending more time, effort, and resources on prevention rather than intervention?"

It's a great piece, as is his other one this week on possible suggestions from his own point of view. Take a few minutes to read them both; and be sure to wish him a hearty mazel tov on the birth of a grandchild. Finally, don't end up like a co-worker of mine: Wear some sunscreen.

16

I mentioned last week that at my friend's wedding, 13 of the 22 guys in our graduating class were able to make it, while a few had other weddings to attend. Last night, at another wedding, 16 of 22 were able to make it. That's pretty amazing.

6 Years Later...

On Sunday, my high school - the Wisconsin Institute for Torah Study (WITS) - celebrated its annual dinner, which always honors the graduating class and whoever they are honoring that year. This is the sixth such dinner since the one celebrating the graduation of my own class of 22 in 2001.

Last night, another member of that class got married, and in a series of odd twists, this is the same classmate whose house I would stay at often; whose sister I work with; and his wife just so happens to be my sister-in-law's sister. (Yeah, exactly.)

I was able to get a ride with a fellow former classmate whose own wedding is next week, and we were with two more classmates. At the wedding, I did a quick count: Of the 22 guys who graduated, 13 of them were able to come this wedding six years later - and surely even more (if not all) would have done so if they lived closer (6) or didn't have another wedding that night (3). At one point, we were all surrounding him in one circle, along with the principal and Rebbe we all had (some in 11th, some in 12th).

Six years later. That's pretty darn impressive, I think.

A Childhood of Potential II

Part I
Note the footnotes at the bottom. They're tangents that still play a nice role in the story.

Around December of 8th grade, most of us were busy figuring out where we wanted to go for high school. I already knew that I wanted to go to WITS, ever since a wonderful weekend of fun when my brother graduated in 1992, four and a half years earlier. [Ez: Woah. Scary that this is all so long ago. I feel old.] Somehow, despite my lack of stature in the class, six others were to join me on this shabbaton in Milwaukee - one of whom had a brother graduating there but was doubtful about going himself, and five others who were simply very interested. By the end of the weekend, all but that one were reasonably sure they wanted to spend their next four years in Milwaukee, Wisconsin. 1

Near the end of that weekend, we were given a series of tests - Math, English, and Gemara. The first two I had no trouble with; the latter was given my a Rebbe who had a reputation of being particularly tough for these bechinos, including some kids who had come out crying. I do recall one of the guys I was with doing so, which was surprising as he was one of the smartest kids in our class; but I didn't think much of it. What I remember from that bechina was being surprised that he was in fact asking tougher questions on material we hadn't really learned, but still came out thinking that I'd done pretty well, particularly by quickly figuring the material out on the spot.

By the end of February, we'd all received our acceptances and everyone knew where they'd be going next year, which naturally led to senioritis. I recall our 8th grade Rebbe noting that his career in the HAC had come full circle - from a class of great kids nine year earlier [ironically, including my brother] who had spent half a year testing him before finally calming down and giving him one of his best semesters as a teacher, to our class, which he felt might be the greatest set of kids with potential he'd seen, have a great first semester before coasting once we'd gotten accepted to high schools. One particular incident sticks out in my mind, though, that has to do with me personally.

In addition to all the math achievements and overall achievement I'd had in the secular studies, I was doing very well in his classes as well. Despite sitting in the back corner, drawing, staring out the window, snacking on Groovin's food in front of me, going to the nurse's office for an hour a day due to headaches, 2 and otherwise doing nothing, I still had only once scored under a 90 on a test - an 89.5 when I missed a few days because I was sick. My Rebbe asked to speak to me near the end of the year - as he did with everybody - and, as was common, he invited me to come to his house on a Shabbos [he lived on the next street] and we'd take a walk and talk.

By now you can imagine my shock and surprise when within a couple of minutes he states,

"You know, I had to convince WITS to accept you. They weren't sure they wanted to."

I was flabbergasted. I didn't know what to think: Huh?! WITS? How was that possible? I was... I was the best kid in the class! I was smart! I was a good kid, never did anything wrong, never really got in trouble... My brother had not only gone to WITS, but he'd just spent most of the next five years in their Beis Medrash, had been the dorm counselor, had won the award they gave out for to people who exemplified middos (and I was nicer than him, ha!), and everyone knew that WITS liked taking brothers, barring trouble with the older one(s). How could this be?!

But I waited for him to explain.

"They know you're smart and a really nice guy, but they think you're lazy. You don't put any effort into anything you're doing. They were going to reject you based on that. But I told them that that was their job - they need to teach you not to be lazy. They need to challenge you - I can't do it here in this class, but that's their job, their responsibility for the next four years. I kept pushing for you, and they finally agreed to take you and try. But you need to do it - you can't be lazy there, you can't do what you've been doing here. You have the greatest potential, but you need to learn to try."

Welcome to the most hated and repetitive word of my life. Potential. 3 [spit]

To be continued...

1 Interestingly, four of us went, while one was rejected. The five of us are all very close, and that one did extremely well in the yeshiva he ended up attending, though he encouraged his younger brother to go to WITS when he got in a few years later. Now he's a reader of - and rare contributor to - this blog. The sixth one did very well where he had wanted to attend. The seventh was given an interesting choice by his parents, who struggled with the idea of him going away for high school; he was told to choose what he preferred, WITS or a local more left-wing Modern Orthodox high school that was not producing as well as many of its constituents had hoped. He debated for a while, then chose the latter - and proceeded to quickly change his style of dress, his actions, and just about everything about him. A few years later, he was out of high school but still got his GED, went to Israel and wasn't particularly successful (v'hamyvin yavin), and I believe he is no longer religious. It's particularly sad because I felt he was one of the nicest and sharpest people I have known, and I thought we were similar in a lot of ways back then. If there's anyone who had potential, it's him. Interestingly, I have no clue what he's up to now, but I still would not be shocked to one day see his name in headlines somewhere for founding some brilliant start-up company or the like. He's that type.

2 I had bad headaches starting in 4th grade and lasting pretty much until Israel, with a few here and there since then. I realized later on that they were likely migraines, and there's a nice possibility that I got them because I really didn't want to be wherever I was.

3 Since I've had some comments both online and off jumping to conclusions, I'll just note that the above reaction was my reaction in the past, not as of now, though I still can't stand hearing it. Thankfully I've matured beyond that point, and obviously, any point in this series.