EZ Reads 2/20/11

• A cool rent-splitting calculator for all those who split uneven apartments.
• This was a really scary clip to watch; a reporter almost seems to have a stroke on air. Turns out it was actually a bad migraine.
• Where have all the good men gone? I don't find this to be the case in this sense in the Orthodox world, really, but there's a very similar type - those who seemingly have no real plans for the future.
• Quote of the weekend, received by a single guy who is saving up money for marriage, from a relative living an Israeli kollel lifestyle: 

  I don't see why you're saving while you're single; I think it shows a lack of bitachon.

  (Worth noting: His rabbeim didn't quite seem to agree with that sentiment.)

EZ Reads 2/18/11

Today's links are mostly fun as opposed to serious, so have a good time and a great Shabbos!

• R' Gil caps the symposium he's held on his blog about the ethics of brain death and organ donation with Part X and gives a closing statement. Excerpt:

  This symposium was not a dialogue. Such a conversation is extremely desirable. Until that happens, the warnings offered by many participants to proceed with respect and caution are worth heeding. ... Until we are able to listen to each other, we will never be able to talk. We did not solve this dilemma here but we can at least leave knowing where the problem lies.

• R' Moshe Grylak in Mishpacha (hat tip: Chana):

  We met in a certain shul. And this is what he reported: “What can I tell you? I’m a kollel man, I learn well; I even enjoy my learning, and I stick to a regular schedule. But I’ll be honest with you — I don’t believe in G‑d. Everything I do is just a sham.”

• Chana writes a difficult piece on Why We Cut.
• Via Diana, there are some nice pictures as CrownHeights.info highlights Cleveland's Friendship Circle which held a dinner for 120+ people for the volunteer-based organization, which works with children with special needs.
• Via Ariella, Divrei Chaim rants about ads promoting luxurious trips... to kevarim.
• Really cool: Wires transform objects from inanimate to hilarious pieces of art.
• Doghouse (cartoon) explains how to explain things to teens these days.
• Why patience matters when selling something online (Lifehacker).
• And finally, xkcd does it again in Let Go (wish I could do what he does in the scroll over text):
  

Girls Not To Date Until 21-22?

Rumor has it that a large Orthodox Jewish community in the yeshivish world will be coming out with an announcement this week, instructing its girls not to date until the ages of 21-22 for three primary reasons:

• To quell some of the shidduch "crisis", by evening out the number of available men and women and by reducing the average age gap, and also to reduce the pressure on girls
  
• To help the women be established with college degrees to better be able to support their families (particularly husbands who are in klei kodesh fields or in kollel).
• To reduce what seems to be a major factor in the high, growing divorce rate in the Orthodox Jewish community.
  

If this is true, it is a) fascinating b) surprising and c) a huge step in the right direction, even if it's a strange one with a couple its own, possibly flawed assumptions.

Critique of Pure-Unreason

Ezzie asked me to repost this from my blog

Many people on the internet write about financial responsibility, especially in the orthodox world. One just has to ask Ezzie for some of the more interesting statistics results from the Jewish Economic Survey to understand that a large number of young people do not know their finances. For a few people websites such as Mint.com help people keep track of their multiple bank-accounts, credit-cards, and other loans in one place. For others they rely on their own book-keeping skills or rely on a family member who has a better grasp to handle everything.

Addressing some of these shortfalls is an organization like Mesila which provide seminars to people who would like more knowledge of financial responsibility. They have branches in many cities in Israel as well as America helping people understand their finances.

I once spoke to someone who is involved in the Yeshivish community, and his chilling comment was "the problem isn't people living in Kollel. The problem is people in Kollel earning $25,000 a year, while living a $70,000 lifestyle." This leads to massive debt, and with a bit of education how to organize your money, this debt can be controlled, eliminated, or preempted.

A few people seeing the benefits of educating Kollel couples, asked a few Yeshivos to run seminars for Kollel couples, to which the answer was NO. The reasoning was that if you educate them, they will look at what it costs to live, look at whats coming in, and leave Kollel. Many people do not want to have that burden of debt for the rest of their lives, or at least they want to be unaware of it. Part of this feeling comes from it being OPM (Other Peoples Money), and therefore do not feel the same responsibility to be responsible.

I can understand why the powers-to-be feel its necessary to withhold such information: that learning in Kollel does require Bitachon-trust that G-d will take care of you. But I don't think, and I may be wrong, that this Bitachon should be at the expense of the general public. The general public is now beholden to pick up the slack at many different levels; from helping them put food on the table, to the tuition deficit at the schools.
(On a side note: little has been explored as to the affect bringing in a Kollel has on tuition in a small out of town community. Even if the Kollel does have a sugar-daddy paying for all of its expenses, rarely does this beneficiary extend it to paying tuition for all of the Kollel families children.More on that another post.)

The fact that we can withhold knowledge from people that require it, I believe is wrong. Its wrong to keep them in the dark about things that will hurt them later. About the fact that they may saddle themselves or their parents/in-laws with debt supporting them while they live carefree lives in Kollel. And if you educate them about what it costs and they don't stay in learning full-time, they may be doing society a favor (as a whole). Personally, I would love to learn in Kollel a few years after marriage, but if its not possible I made myself responsible to put food on the table when I signed the dotted-line on the Kesubah.

And yes, while I do believe that learning Torah makes the world-go-round, and I want people to devote their lives to Torah, but I find it hypocritical to say "Look at other segments of society; their people don't work, they live off welfare, they are crippling the economy" while we cannot and will not look at ourselves and say the same things. I do believe that G-d shows us things in society that if we have our eyes open the Hashgacha is obvious. Looking at American Society, the feeling of entitlement, of what the country can do for me, not I for it, is clear. I think this feeling is prevalent in Jewish Society, and if we change our ways society will follow as well.

EZ Reads 7/22/09: Learning

You never realize how much you have to learn until you start learning it. You also never realize just how much you can already do from common sense and what you do know until you start trying it. It's quite interesting how even if one implicitly knows this, it's still a bit of a surprise once the person is faced with it. And now, for some good readin':

• Chana with her guide on how to treat a woman. Interesting.
  
• Jewboy has a kollel conundrum.

  If I could do anything I wanted to, perhaps I would stay in yeshiva, at least for half the day. I am often left wondering how people that stay in kollel make it. How does someone who learns full time, has more kids than I do, and whose wife is marginally employed at best make a living? How does such a person afford to own a home in the inflated Jewish neighborhood and send their kids to school? The numbers just don't add up. And yet I personally know multiple people like this. My family was at an event recently. A young mother with at least 4 children emerged from a beautiful, spacious home and apologized that her husband would be late because he was "still in the kollel." How is it possible? I could not afford their house with my wife and I working decent jobs.

• A sad post at ProfK about a couple divorcing after 44 years... primarily because of pressures from their descendants to keep working hard to support them. Now the (higher-earning) wife is an outcast to all but the self-sufficient child for wanting to wind down her work, against the wishes of the husband and other kids. I hope we're not in for more of these - or grandparents and great-grandparents who feel pressured to continue working to support the lifestyles of their families.
  
• NMF#7 with an interesting post on writing, as she finishes reading a novel written by a girl younger than herself. As she notes, it pays to stop waiting and try doing.
• A very thought-provoking post by the Rebbetzin on the challenges of being non-Orthodox. When there's no Reform school in town, raising kids isn't quite as simple.
• An important history on the kashrus of Coca-Cola at Hirhurim. Important, yes, because it's Coke! V'hamaven Yavin.
  
• The Cavs switch to paperless ticketing, something I think is brilliant. The most interesting aspect: They had 5-6% less no-shows by switching over, as people could more easily transfer tickets to friends or others if they couldn't make it.

Kollel & "God Haters"

I was completely disgusted by this article on Cross-Currents by R' Doron Beckerman of my alma mater OJ, and I suggest reading it through in context before reading my commentary, to which I'm adding a little bit at the end from the Jewish Economics presentation.

Is the motive of those who currently oppose Kollel, utilizing the Rambam as their model, that they just can’t bear that people are taking money for its study? Such an attitude can, virtually by definition, only come from someone who is exceedingly meticulous not to waste a spare moment available for Torah study. I think it safe to surmise that the percentage of people in this category, who did not spend at least a portion of their married life learning in Kollel, is infinitesimal.

?! More likely, those who oppose Kollel oppose it on the grounds that many of the people who are taking the money are NOT reluctant to "take the money". Moreover, they likely oppose Kollel on the grounds that it IS an imposition on the public.

To create a false choice of "opposition must come from someone meticulous not to waste a spare moment" to learn and then make another gross assumption that such people are few and far between is disgusting.

The undercurrent of the ideological gripe against Kollel is invariably the placing of the burden on the community to support it - and yet the Rambam writes that if the multitudes were asked at the time of the Tannaim to support Torah they would have gladly showered the Talmidei Chachamim with the greatest wealth!

This is also a horrible argument. There's a far cry from a poor man clearly dedicated to his learning not asking for anything, who, if he did ask, people would have no qualms giving versus a lifestyle which asks for the money upfront to live a rather comfortable lifestyle. Moreover, those same people back then - despite their complete trust that the poor man was in fact learning seriously - did NOT give the money anyway!

Based on the Rambam himself, in light of the consensus among the Halachic decisors from the time of Rambam and on, one would expect that there would be a communal sigh of relief, that we are able to fulfill our most fervent wish which is to increase Torah study and need not be concerned about the problem of the Kollel learners accepting funds, since Kollel has become universally accepted as legitimate.

This is just silly.

Has any one of those saying it is a burden recommended pro bono investment on behalf of the learners (they do often have wedding money!), which the Rambam (Avos ibid.) considers meritorious? Have they agreed to pay taxes on their behalf, which is obligatory for people engaged in full time Torah study?

Why don't they use that wedding money to cover their bills? Wedding money is not worth risking on short-term investments usually. What taxes, exactly?

It is meant to underscore the idea that we must sometimes examine what lies at the root of opposition to a particular system of widespread Torah study, and be certain that it does not stem from begrudging accomplishments of others.

...and we must be extremely careful when doing so to not only understand that not only does it serve nobody to make up or focus on negative arguments which serve no purpose, but to address the primary issues which are legitimate reasons to oppose. Nowhere does R' Beckerman address any of the legitimate reasons people are opposed to kollel, merely dismissing it as something people can place in the comments. He only not-so-subtly hints that those who are against kollel are "begrudging accomplishments", should "breathe a communal sigh of relief" that nobody looks twice at people taking money for being in Kollel, or should be coming up with more ways of handling their financial responsibilities.

Perhaps it is not "begrudging accomplishments" which upsets those who are against kollel, but the actual facts on the ground. What does not help, however, is the seeming attitude of those who are for kollel that implies that not only is what exists now wonderful - while ignoring and dismissing its drawbacks - but that everyone else should be doing even more to make it easier on them.

Let me add to that something I touched on during my presentation: The problem is not kollel. My brother is 34 years old and still learning - married, 4th kid on the way iyH. He also has zero dollars in debt, and doesn't take any tzedakah. One of the most interesting comments both people I spoke to from Mesila said was that as they discussed opening up in Lakewood, someone argued that they can't come into Lakewood and tell guys who are making $30k between their wives' jobs and their kollel checks that they aren't making enough to support their lifestyles: You'd be basically telling them to leave kollel and get a job, and that simply wouldn't fly there. They responded simply that those people are missing the point: The problem isn't learning, it's people who earn $30,000 spending $70,000 - and it's the exact same problem as someone who makes $150,000 and spends $300,000. If you show people that they simply need to understand their finances and live within their means, those who truly wish to learn will find a way to do so on less money - much like my brother has done. Those who are there merely to live an easy life will likely leave and start working, which is better for everyone.

One of the primary arguments against kollel is the financial burden it creates on the community at large. R' Beckerman does absolutely nothing to lessen that argument, instead choosing to imply that those who are against kollel must be jealous God-haters. He is in essence fostering the hate he's claiming to wish to diffuse. A better approach to the subject would be helping to determine what can be done to alleviate the burden perceived by those who are not in or who are against kollel, by minimizing waste within the kollel community and by ensuring that those who are there wish to be there and are willing to sacrifice to do so. By doing this, it would remove the primary qualms people have with kollel and will both reduce the amount needed while increasing the likelihood that people can - and are willing to - support it.

Transparency and Punishing Success

Even though they're on completely different subjects, somehow Orthonomics' latest posts made me think of this.

And those of us who manage the public's dollars will be held to account -- to spend wisely, reform bad habits, and do our business in the light of day -- because only then can we restore the vital trust between a people and their government. ~ President Barack Obama, Inaugural Speech

...if only there were those in the Jewish community who would say the same. From charities to schools, the Orthodox Jewish world spends much of its time hiding its books. The need for this to change is paramount, and it is difficult to ascertain why there is such a reluctance on the part of Jewish institutions to show transparency in their revenues and expenses.

It seems worthwhile to take a few educated guesses as to why this might be, and feel free to add to or argue against any of these; many will be applicable in rare situations, more would be true in most situations. After this quick list, it is worth elaborating on another possibility which will make some people uncomfortable. For simplicity's sake, we will use schools as an example:

• Illegal actions - A reason to avoid transparency is if the school is doing something wrong. Hopefully rare or non-existent, but possible.
• Salaries - A school might not wish to disclose how much it's paying teachers and administrators, whether due to privacy or serious overpayment, particularly of teachers who have stayed a long time. Understandable to an extent, but one of the most likely places for wasting funds.
• Inefficiencies - The main reason to open up the books is the main reason schools might not want to: They're horribly inefficient in their use of assets. They waste money all over, they tend to create numerous unnecessary positions then hire managers to oversee them. In all, a lot of people are being paid to do very little.
• Misuse of funds - Similar but different to the first two. If schools are run by tight-knit groups, as is often the case, there is a tendency to favor people from that group and there might be a large portion of funds siphoned off to that group. Transparency would cause an uproar.
  

But a more troubling explanation, while probably secondary to the others, is that of disparity.

It's worth first using a quick example from today's United States. One of the largest problems the government is now facing due to its ill-advised attempts at bailing out the troubled firms of Wall Street is the view that safe, successful, and smart companies are being unfairly punished for being: Safe, successful, and smart. Bank of America, which by all accounts did the country a tremendous favor in offering to take on both Countrywide and Merrill Lynch and their toxic assets before they failed, wanted to lower the price being paid for Merrill to avoid hurting its own shareholders. Instead, it is essentially being forced by the government to pay the higher amount, give up a stake of BoA to the government, and all while reducing their own dividends to shareholders. In exchange, they get protection on bad assets that were almost all Merrill's to begin with. It's the equivalent of a neighborhood asking for a volunteer to care for an important neighborhood pet, then telling the volunteer when they ask for extra leashes that they'll have to pay extra for them, they're not allowed to spend money on their own family, and the neighborhood will cover the pet's damages.

It would be interesting if a similar skewering of the successful happens in the frum community. In schools, tuition costs make up a certain percentage of the revenues of a school. Rather than charge what it actually costs per student in tuition, and then make up the difference for those who cannot pay in full, schools often charge higher amounts knowing that the more successful parents will still pay in full, and they'll get whatever they can from the others. If schools were more transparent, the disparity would be out in the open - and there would be a tremendous backlash, particularly against those who choose not to work. Imagine paying $40,000 in post-tax money in tuition for four kids a year, while discovering that another family with four kids is paying $16,000? That's the equivalent of earning $40,000+ more a year (pre-tax), for the same utility.

When one considers this, it is easy to understand how schools - consciously or not - would be resistent to transparency. Not only would there be a lot of animosity created or suspicions confirmed, but it would reinforce that the educational system's subtle push for kollel in many places is creating a huge drain on the community as a whole. Moreover, those who are covering the costs of everyone else will quickly tire of it, especially those who are working but not wealthy. Knowing that they can barely make ends meet while working hard, but do not qualify for tuition breaks, while others are able to lead seemingly much easier lives while getting those breaks, these working class families will ultimately feel compelled to create their own schools which require lower - but full - tuition payments.

Lack of transparency and punishing success are two major problems facing the Jewish community economically. What's worse is when one is helping to hide the other.

Kollel Tabloids

On the radio they were discussing (again) whether or not Jennifer Aniston was pregnant. One of the radio hosts had a good point: "If you're an actress, there's always a rumor that you're pregnant"

My version of this: "If you're a kollel wife, there's always a rumor that you're pregnant".

Does "Lakewood" Produce?...

...An interesting line of questioning over at The Artist Formerly Known As The Gadol Hador

The real problem with Lakewood is that you have a huge community of 20 and 30 something males who do nothing productive. Nothing productive for their families, nothing productive for the general society, and nothing even productive for their own Jewish community, or the Jewish community at large. All this has been said many times....But most amazingly of all,...there are thousands, even hundreds of thousands of people sitting in Kollel (all over the world, not just in Lakewood of course), and what are they all producing? Are there any great chiddushim coming out of all this learning? Any major new theologies? Anything at all of any interest or relevance?...What famous sefer or chiddush can anyone recall from the last 20 years from the Kollel world? Anything?

I do not agree completely with the entire train of thought, I do not believe Torah learning is 100% valued by the "ends".

However there is what to be said for the thought process behind his argument, in my opinion.

"Bear" Market Returns...

...sometimes even the darkest cloud yields a few silver linings.

Received via e-mail:

From Bear Stearns To Bava Metzia

Andrew Neff

The title of this article is "From Bear Stearns to Bava Metzia", but it's really about some life lessons I've picked up over the last few months since my company - that I was with for 20 years and that was in business for 86 years - disappeared in the midst of a financial crisis and panic, making me a "Bear Stearns refugee", but more importantly a "kollelboy". I am used to presenting to a financial crowd, so I will use my standard approach in my 25 years on Wall Street and start with my conclusions, and then work back to the beginning. This is the opposite style of most Torah commentaries, but I'm still new at this kollel life.

My conclusions? G-d runs the world. Your prayers are answered so think carefully about what you pray for. Think about your legacy. Every benefit has a cost and every cost has a benefit. Handling tests - it's easier than you think.

Lesson #1: G-d runs the world.

When Bear Stearns collapsed, it shocked the world. It was not the normal course of events. Companies that are in business for 86 years without so much as a losing quarter (except for the last one) don't go out of business and they don't go out of business overnight. I have been amazed at the level of fascination with our demise and the circumstances surrounding our last days. Many people have asked me if I knew or sensed what was happening. Actually, it was just the opposite. We knew we were having a bad year, but we were in cyclical business. We've had good years and bad years. In fact, my area - equities - was having a good year and the firm was profitable again - highlighting (we thought) the strength of the business model. Besides, we weren't going out of business... But we went out of business. Whose fault was it? Was it our new CEO? Our ex-CEO? The shorts? The press? I developed a different perspective.

Let me digress with a reference to tehillim. The backdrop for the third perek of tehillim is rather unusual. Dovid Hamelech thanks Hashem during the rebellion of Avshalom. As I heard from Rav Yissocher Frand, the normal course of events is not for a son to rebel against the father. Usually it is a political opponent or an aide. But these circumstances - the rebellion by his son Avshalom - were extremely unusual. To Dovid, that was a sign that this rebellion was outside nature, outside teva and that Hashem was watching over him and was involved in Dovid's life and that G-d runs the world.

What happened to Bear Stearns was outside teva. Until the demise of Bear Stearns, I knew what my schedule was going to be - more or less - for the next year or so. I was working on projects through the year 2010. I was firmly in control and I knew what the future would be. But it wasn't to be. I learned that I was not in control. For many of us, we went through - l'havdil (if you can compare) - many of the signs associated with shiva. We were in denial, we were angry, we were depressed. Finally, we began to accept our situation. I, too, went through these stages. I was in denial. I was angry. I was depressed. Because I was not in control. I'm passed that now but I was only able to get beyond it because I came to realize Who is in control of the world. The events at Bear Stearns are all part of His plan. You can be angry with His plan but it doesn't change His plan. At one level, it's like going to a museum and getting angry at the exhibits. But that is a rather silly reaction because it doesn't change the exhibits so you may as well enjoy the museum.

Lesson #2 - Your prayers are answered so think carefully about what you pray for.

We are relative newcomers to Teaneck. We moved here about three years ago. I think the most important force one faces in life is peer pressure- for better or worse - so you have to focus carefully on what the peer pressures are where you live and work. In Teaneck, there is peer pressure to learn. Everyone does it. Every shul competes to have the best learning. The batei medrash (halls of study) are thriving and the shiurim attract crowds. That is one of the main reasons that we moved here.

I had often thought about taking some time off for learning. While my children are "frum from birth," Nancy and I are balei teshvot - I have done many things, but I essentially see myself as a bit of an idiot savant, that is, I have "done the daf" for over 10 years and attended multiple shiurim, but I had never learned the basics: tefilla, gemara without English on the other side, Chumash with Rashi and other meforshim. I thought about taking a sabbatical. But I would only do it with these two conditions: I could not take off after a good year, since I needed just one more good year. And I could not take off after a bad year since I really needed a good year to take off. Outside of these two mutually exclusive conditions, I would take time off to learn.
I had started talking to Rabbi Eliyahu Roberts, Rosh Yeshiva of YeshivaGedola of Teaneck, several months ago. He and I had started learning gemara about once a week - on laws of taking interest - but I realized it was not enough to get me to where I wanted to be. So we began to talk about learning at the yeshiva with some of the boys one or two mornings a week. I think we started to talk about this last November or so. But - when it came down to it - I could never find the time.

Hashem found the time for me. He cleared my entire schedule. Hashem opened up all of my mornings. Arranged a sabbatical year for me, so to speak. As I mentioned a moment ago, I saw what happened to Bear Stearns as an"act of G-d." As we learn though, we never know what G-d's plan is and I certainly don't know why Bear Stearns went out of business. But I knew that the message - whatever it is - is that something is supposed to change. It's not business as usual. Ironically, I had a position if I wanted it at the new firm. In fact, the person who did what I did at JPMorgan coincidentally resigned the day Bear went out of business - for entirely unrelated reasons. So I could have glided from one spot to the next - from one vine to the next - with nary a glitch. But the emails we get from Hashem aren't always so clear. That is where prayer comes in. But Hashem does answer prayers. Sometimes it is murky and unclear and sometimes it is a smack on the side of the head. So that is how I ended up learning two hours a day at Yeshiva Gedola of Teaneck with my excellent chavrusas (study partners). Being in kollel is not as odd as you think. While there is a generational difference, we recently had a grandchild, so I can talk strollers and pediatricians. Just not about diaper changing. I leave that to the next generation...

Lesson #3 - Think about your legacy.

I was on Wall Street for 25 years including 20 years at Bear Stearns. I had some great calls and made people a lot of money (and may have lost people a lot of money at times as well). I was on the Institutional Investor All-Star team for 16 years, the Wall Street Journal All-Star team for nine years. But that is not what I will be remembered for from my years at BearStearns. The frum world remembers me for running the Bear Stearns minyan- thanks to an email from one of the participants.

Just a bit of history. When Bear Stearns was at 245 Park Avenue, there was a minyan in the stairwell - owing to its legacy as an Olympia & York building. That changed when we moved to a new building at 383 Madison. With tighter security, there was no common area for the minyan so we stopped meeting. A few months after disbanding, a summer intern from YU asked me if I could get a minyan going. In the new building I was able to get the conference room next to my office and we were off and running. In fact, word got around and we started attracting outsiders from nearby firms. Then - after a few weeks - I got a call from Human Resources at Bear. I heard you have a minyan at Bear, he said. Sure, do you want to attend? No, but there is a problem. There were issues around security with outsiders coming to a "secure" floor. What can we do, I asked. I left it in their hands and in Hashem's hands. It turns out that there is a law that requires a company to provide its employees with reasonable accommodation to prayer. So while the company did not want an official "Bear Stearns minyan," they agreed to give me a room every day for prayer - for the "Andy Neff meeting" and to which I could invite some of my friends to enable me to have a minyan. Hence the minyan, where we regularly had 20-30 people and, on a fast day when we had a sefer Torah, we would have more than 100 people.

Here is the final irony. Bear Stearns is gone. But the minyan - which started at 245 Park -- lives on. Roughly one third of the attendees were from JP Morgan, which owned three buildings adjacent to our headquarters, so we simply transferred the management of the minyan over to JPMorgan. A perfect plan for how to make Bear Stearns go away without interfering with the ongoing minyan.

Lesson #4 - Every cost has a benefit and every benefit has a cost.

Wall Street is a great place to have a career - especially from a financial standpoint. Moreover, there is the prestige associated with Wall Street and the power, etc. What's wrong with that? In Pirkei Avos, perek dalet, first mishnah, Ben Zoma asks: who is wise -the person who learns from everyone else. Who is strong - the person who controls himself. Who is rich? The person who is happy with what he has. Who is honored? The person who honors other people. What is it that ties all these comments together? What ties them together is that each of the middos - wisdom, strength, wealth, honor - can only come from you - no one else can really provide it for you because if you depend on others for these attributes, then they all go away when the external forces, the people go away. There is a cost to being on Wall Street - and probably in other high-powered positions. You lose track of priorities. You live with such stress all the time that you don't know what it is like not to have stress. The analogy I use is of a scuba diver who lives from oxygen tank to oxygen tank not realizing that all the oxygen in the world is available to him five feet above on the surface.

There is a gemara in Pesachim - and again in Bava Basra - that says Olam hafuch rai'si that in Olam Haba we see that the world to come is inverted from this world. That was a hard gemara for me to understand until I left the high-powered world. In that world, what you think is important loses its importance. The things I feared losing the most were the small things: a secretary, car services, etc. The thing I had given up most easily was time - time with family, quality and quantity time. And that I realize has the most value. I'm not saying that effort is not required and that you shouldn't devote time to your work - just that there are ways to do it without stress. And - much of it seems so unimportant in retrospect. And also, as we saw in the comments on Bnai Reuven and Bnai Gad, you need to keep your priorities straight.

Lesson #5 - Handling tests - it's easier than you think.

At one level, I believe that I am fortunate to have this test at this stage in my life.We learn that Hashem never gives us a test that we cannot handle. To me, conversely, that says that I was not ready to handle this test until now. I feel thankful that I have matured to a level that I can handle something like this. Moreover, for many of us, our careers are our lives or close to it after our families. The loss of a career is devastating at many levels - some of which I have noted already. And financial turmoil is another nightmare. But the positive for me is learning that I can deal with it. It's a new reality, but I am ready for the next reality. Many ask what is the key to a Jewish community. To some, it is the kosher pizza restaurant. To others, it is a lot of shuls. But what really makes the community whole is the Torah it propagates. Being able to bring Torah to the world is a valuable asset - and I am skilled at identifying undervalued assets.
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Andrew Neff was a leading securities analyst on Wall Street including the last 20 years at Bear Stearns, recognized by Institutional Investor and the Wall Street Journal as an All-Star. He now learns in the Yeshiva Gedola of Teaneck in the morning.

The Kollel Life

Oy. Wolf gives a fantastic response to the following letter, which appears in the Yated, regarding the salaries of wives in Lakewood.

Dear Editor,

I must say that the salaries that women receive in the city where I live - Lakewood, New Jersey - are pitiful. It is a disgrace that they get little more than $10 an hour. I am not sure what the situation is like in other places such as Brooklyn, Monsey and the Five Towns, but in this city, where so many upstanding people are struggling financially, it is simply disgraceful that our wives can't find jobs that pay decently.

Some people now highly regret that their wives, when they were single, didn't get some sort of degree to enable them to get jobs that pay decently. I don't want to get into a whole discussion about whether a girl should or shouldn't get a degree, because that really isn't the point here. The point is that, in a city where the concept of "hashkafaToraso umnaso" can be applied to so many people, the fact that wives can't earn a half-decent salary to keep their families afloat is a serious problem that has not been discussed sufficiently. In most cases, even where the husband is the primary breadwinner, the family needs the mother to earn a decent salary to help cover ever-growing expenses.

In Lakewood, apparently, $10 an hour is supposed to cut it.

$10 an hour is what you give the guy off the street who you hire to clean your backyard.

$10 an hour is what you give Maria, your cleaning lady, for scrubbing your floors.

Because of the large number of young (and not-so-young) married wives who need jobs, storeowners and business owners can - and do - dictate how much they will pay their employees. And let me tell you, they are taking full advantage of the situtation. I know of two companies that are seriously contemplating moving to Lakewood for one reason only - cheap labor.

Not Mexican cheap labor.

The cheap labor of our neshei chayil, who can be hired for "bubkis."

It's a shandeh.

Eli Parkowitz

As Wolf responded, salaries are given based on value. A person with little formal training trying to get a job where numerous other people would be willing and able to get the same job will demand lower pay - period. It is not the responsibility of businesses to pay someone more than they are worth and cost themselves money to support the employee. If a person wants to earn more money, they should get more training, a better degree, both spouses should work, or something along those lines. If a community has established itself with certain characteristics, mainly that there are numerous young women available to work for very little due to lack of education, skills, training, and the like - and they are willing to accept jobs because they either need the money or want to work (get out of the house, etc.), that will result in smart businesses utilizing that situation to their advantage. This is not a shandeh, but reality.

A Shver Shver?

UPDATED

Remember this letter, by the extremely ungrateful supported sons-in-law? The one that caused much outrage (with good reason)? Well, apparently, it's a fake... or maybe not. Larry Lennhoff has the letter to the Yated from a regretful father-in-law claiming that he, in anger at his son-in-law, wrote the (fake) letter to make a point. However, a commenter at Baruch Pelta's blog (Orthodox Freelancers) says that there's another letter [update: here it is] claiming the follow-up is fake, since the 3rd letter writer is the one who wrote the first one. (Follow all that?)

Whether the first letter is true or not, the second is true or not, and the third letter exists or not, the second letter writer makes possibly the best point of all in questioning the Yated's publishing of the letter:

I must admit to being disturbed by the number of people who take letters in the Yated - many of them totally anonymous letters, mind you - at face value and allow themselves be carried away and be taken for rides. I have nothing against readers expressing opinions. But that is all it is: an anonymous opinion. Just because a letter is signed, “A Mental Health Professional,” or “A Teacher,” or “A Hurting Mother,” or “A Son-in-Law,” does not guarantee in any way that any such person wrote that letter.

For all any of us know, someone wrote it for the kicks, or to get people upset, or to support a cause, or for any other number of reasons. ...

You don’t know that any such person ever wrote any such letter. These letters in the Yated get quoted, posted, e-mailed, talked about, and they take on a life of their own. It becomes ‘fact’ that such and such a person said such and such a thing about such and such a topic. All this shows is how many people are gullible. It shows little else.

While I don't think it shows people are "gullible" per se (people have no choice but to place their trust somewhere, and they presume that a responsible publication vets their letters), the writer is absolutely correct about trusting such anonymous letters in general. For the same reasons that anonymous blogs and bloggers should have [and do have] a much harder time building trust, as they have little 'on the line', anonymous letter writers have even less of a reason to be trusted - or actually, none.

But the biggest fault lies at the feet of the Yated itself. A publication should never accept an anonymous letter, particularly one which is as clearly inflammatory as the original letter here was; even letters which are published anonymously should still have identities which are known to the editor. There should be no occasion for a second letter to be published claiming that the original was a fake without the publication knowing whether or not this is the case.

A friend recently discussed with me that a publication they are affiliated with was considering a section that would be made up of letters on subjects that are more difficult to discuss in public - from abuse to depression to anything else that a person might wish to write about anonymously. While finding the idea noble in thought, my friend questioned the idea, wondering if I agreed that this was a bad idea and set a horrible precedent in regard to accepting anonymous material in a publication wishing to be taken seriously. I agreed emphatically, noting that this would lead to numerous false letters and lack of responsibility for one's words, as it would allow people to hide behind this veil of anonymity to say whatever they want - true or false, right or wrong. There's a clear difference between an editors or journalists knowing the identity of a letter writer or a person being quoted and publishing their words anonymously, and a letter that is completely anonymous in its origin. The former can, if used properly, bring light to important subjects; the latter is a disservice which cheapens the very ideals it wishes to represent through its lack of credibility.

Poor Daughters of Mine

...after all, I [gasp] work.

Via Wolf, who has a good post on the subject, I read these letters to Rebbetzin Jungreis by two girls whose parents work - and how this has been a dark mark on them from schooling to shidduchim. They're almost too unreal:

In the Bais Yaakov high school I attended, extensive time was devoted to praising the merits of the kollel lifestyle. Numerous hashkafah/machshavah classes were dedicated to this cause. I can say without any exaggerations that not once during my entire high school career did any teacher say that a working lifestyle was also acceptable. In fact, teachers were exceedingly negative toward the possibility of living a life where work and Torah were combined. I always felt that a working lifestyle would best suit me, but early on, I learned that sharing my personal feelings would only place me in the bad graces of my teachers and principals.

Once, my principal accused me of doing some inappropriate things that I would never dream of doing. When I told her that I was raised differently and that my Yiddishkeit meant too much to me to ever participate in the activities she accused me of, she said that she would expect such behavior from me because I was "not a good girl" as I unfortunately "come from a working family." Even more hurtful was when I was told to "not lower myself to my father's level" by marrying a working guy even if he would devote time to Torah. This general theme unfortunately continued throughout seminary and into shidduchim. Once, when my mother spoke to one shadchan about me, he asked her, "What kind of a girl is your daughter that she does not want to marry a learning boy?"

~~~~~

As much as I had heard about these interviews, I was not prepared for the hurt that was inflicted upon me. The person who interviewed me questioned me about my parents' professions and their heavy work schedules, and then went on to make some very unkind, critical remarks which I prefer not to repeat because, a) it's too hurtful and b) it would be disrespectful to my parents. I left the interview shattered and broke down in tears. I later found out that I was not the only one who had been reduced to tears – other girls were equally mistreated and put to shame.

These stories aren't just talking about single instances. The first one is detailing an entire culture, the second the entrance exam to an apparently popular seminary. Between this pressure from one side, and the worry of being considered "subpar" on the other, it is no wonder that so many young men and women feel pressured into a specific lifestyle at the degradation of any other.

The second letter writer also makes a side point that is important:

There can be no justification for the "ona’as devarim - hurtful words" that were hurled at me. This is not the way to interview girls for a year of study in Yerushalayim. I also find it curious that those same people, who are so quick to criticize, have no problem approaching working parents for fund-raising purposes.

When G posted "YoU Are Subpar II...", we received a lot of criticism questioning our decision to publish it. A lot of it was very reasonable; a lot of it was absolutely off the wall. As noted then, one of the reasons it was felt it was important to post was that

I think it is important for people to see the opinions that those who have an influence on their children have. I don't think most people are aware of the type of thinking that is given over in places in EY, and just how pressured it is. ...

A few people have noted that it's one thing for anyone to choose on an individual level how they want to live, who they want to follow. But when it becomes a large group, it becomes a cause for serious concern.

The truth is it is not just in Israel that this happens; it starts earlier on, from hints during elementary school to strong pushes if not outright statements during high school, as noted by the first letter writer. It is important that parents be more aware of the education that their children are getting, and the messages they're being taught - and it is important that people who are giving money know where that money is going, and what messages it is being used for. If donors knew that the school they were giving money to would then turn around and criticize their lifestyle, they might be a little more hesitant in how they give out their tzedaka.

Over Shavuos, Pobody's Nerfect and I attended a community panel discussion on The High Cost of Jewish Education. The discussion was very good, and one of the suggestions included a central communal fund that would then disperse funds to individual schools. While this idea is basically a good one, one drawback that could exist in theory is a lack of direct accountability: When a school does things that are "beyond the pale" to their donors, their donors simply don't support the school anymore. An umbrella fund would allow schools to receive money even if donors would rather not be supporting that specific school. Direct donations allow a much greater give-and-take between parents and donors and the schools they are supporting and sending their children to.

One of the issues that they did not cover in the panel was why there are so many people in need of tuition breaks and the like. While they touched on the legitimate needs of many (single-parent homes, parent who lost a job, etc.), they didn't discuss either the poor management of money by so many due to lack of knowledge or caring, nor the incredible drain the increasingly large kollel world has had on the Orthodox world economically. As this cycle continues - increased shunning of the working world leading to an economic drain that is no longer able to sustain schooling - it is important that the money that is there be given to schools that will help build for the future of the Jewish community, not those that drain our resources.

All "Kollel"ed Out...

...seems to be the message being sent by some Kollels to their most senior members/prospects.

The Jewish Worker, Life In Israel & The Wolf all deal with the topic of older individuals being denied entry into Kollel. There are issues that pertain to individual Kollelim and to the idea of Kollels at large.

Very interesting discussions that are well worth some of your time.

TheJewishWorker:
I have to say this would never have occurred to me. I would never have thought that there is a phenomenon of age discrimination in kollels. I thought it was only in the secular world that there is a culture of youth. It seems that the Charedi world has been affected as well. Last week's Mishpacha magazine (in Hebrew) has a long article detailing the problem. It seems that Avreichim over the age of 40 have a very hard time finding a kollel to learn in...

LifeInIsrael:
The article described how Rosh Kollel's consider these men to be difficult to hold for a number of reasons. The main issue was sphere of influence. Rosh Kollels want to have influence on the guys learning in their kollels, and that is more possible with younger guys than older guys. Also older guys stick to the kollel schedule less. And older guys want more flexibility to learn their preferred material rather than that mandated by the kollel. Also there is the sense that if the guy is sitting in kollel for so long, he must not be successful - otherwise he would have started his own kollel or yeshiva...

WolfishMusings:
Bluke passes along some of the reasons given in the article. One of the reasons given is as follows: "Someone who is still just sitting and learning in kollel in their 40's is not going to become a Rosh Yeshiva, Rosh Kollel etc. The fact that they haven't moved up shows that they are not so successful."

When reading this, I'm left with a question: what, exactly, is the point of the Kollel system? Is it to produce the next generation of leaders/gedolim, or is it to have as many people as possible learn for as long as possible, for the learning's own sake?...

A Shver Matziv...

...but seriously, WHAT - THE - HELL!!

source:Orthonomics

Below is a recent Letter to the Editor from the Yated. Apparently this one comes on the heels of others written by wives, likewise complaining of support coming "with strings attached". (I have not seen the other letters and so cannot speak to the extent of the "strings" being employed; there may very well have been legitimate points. However, it still speaks to a state of mind.)

QUIZZED BY THE SHVER
Dear Editor,

Why do I have to feel like I am being farhered every time I go to my shver’s house in Brooklyn? I understand that he gives us money each month and we appreciate that very much. But does that mean that I have to be subject to questions about what I’m learning and pressured to say vertlach on the parsha every time we visit? My in-laws are very nice people. They shower my wife, 5 children and me with gifts, they bought us a car, among other things, and graciously give us a monthly check to keep us afloat. Is that the reason that my father-in-law feels compelled to quiz me every time I come to his house?

I mentioned this issue to a friend of mine who said that he experiences the same exact thing. This friend encouraged me to write this letter to the Yated. Actually, he’s pushed me for months to write something, but I never got around to it. Perhaps there is a father-in-law out there who can explain it to us. Why do you have to bombard us with your questions on our limudim and with your vertlach on this inyan or that inyan? It is not that we aren’t interested. It is just that we somehow are made to feel that we have to constantly be ready for our next “exam” when we meet you. (This is surely not as bad as a different friend’s shver who actually makes him fax a shtickel Torah to him once a month. This friend lives in Yerushalayim, while his father-in-law lives in New York.) There are other issues about in-laws that my friend wanted me to share, but for now I think this one will suffice.

Answers, anyone?
Two Friends
C. R. & M. F.
Lakewood,
N.J.

Some thoughts:
--Nice. I'm not sure what C.R. stands for, but can make a pretty good guess as to what M.F. represents.
--Imagine how put out they would feel if they knew (or actually believed) that a percentage of their Schar Limud (Merit for Learning) was going to that very same Father-in-Law.
--One wonders how slow these young men, who for goodness sake just want to be left alone, would be to question the business acumen of said Fathers-in-Law if the dollars coming their way lessened.
--"It is not that we aren’t interested."; the ironclad rule in sports is that as soon as somebody says "it's not about the money", you can be 100% sure of one thing...it's about the money. Do with that what you will.

As for answers, here are two:
To quote that great orator, Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson...Know your role and shut your damn mouth.
OR
In the words of Livia "Grandma" Soprano...Oh, poor you!

Perspective Is Everything...

...one's view on just about anything is influenced, if not flat out dictated, by their point of reference.

Posted originally on Life In Israel
Guest-Posted again on The Dove Bar

My response, as it were, can be found in the comments of both postings.

I was chatting with my chavrusa the other day. We were talking about Kollel life and the topic of mesirus nefesh to learn Torah came up (my chavrusa is a Rosh Kollel. He is very organized, very serious and runs his kollel in a very organized way).

Kollel guys are moser nefesh - they give up everything, to learn in kollel. To learn Torah. And that is wonderful.

Typically when we hear the phrase "moser nefesh to learn Torah" we think of money. These avreichim are giving up a life of (possible) comfort, earning a decent living, all to learn Torah while living on, often, nothing more than the basics and the minimum.

Aside from the money aspect of their mesirus nefesh, there is an aspect even greater. And this is what I had never heard described before. The whole lifestyle is mesirus nefesh on a psychological level.

Avreichim, living in an area where there are plenty of kollels and plenty of avreichim, live a life of obscurity. many of these guys (the more serious ones), could easily have been successful in the business world; as professionals such as doctors, lawyers, accountants, financial pros, etc., computers, whatever. They would have been noticed, their work would be appreciated, and they would feel good about what they do because they are noticed (to a certain extent).

However, as an avreich in a neighborhood where kollels and avreichim are "a dime a dozen" so to speak, these guys are all bundled into one package. They are not noticed because there are so many. An exception is one who is unusually exceptional - he gets noticed as a real star, but he will often take a job fairly quickly in the Rabbinate, or in a yeshiva, etc. But just for good serious guys who are learning, successfully, there is tremendous mesirus nefesh in living such a lifestyle. These are, often, guys who could be doing other things, yet they chose to learn because of its importance to them.

He went on to explain that this is why, he thinks, he sees many frustrated avreichim at about age 29-32, who start looking for things to do - starting local shiurim in shuls even for just 2 or 3 people, for example. They do that because they have begun to get frustrated that they have learned, and learned well, for a number of years, but they are not noticed at all.

Yes, it is nice to be altruistic and say that people should do what they love and not be concerned whether they are being noticed or not. Especially when learning Torah. But everybody likes, and wants, to be appreciated, and recognized, for their accomplishments and for their success. So even if for a number of years they go by and learn quietly, eventually it catches up with them, with most of them, and they start to feel it at a certain point.

That is a tremendous mesirus nefesh. To learn in kollel, seriously, knowing that nobody is recognizing you for your accomplishments, for your achievements, for your contributions. And add to that, when you could have been doing something else that would have gotten you noticed, even if only on a small scale. And it is harder for a kollel guy who is in an area where kollel is more accepted, and even the standard perhaps, than it is for a guy who goes to learn in an "out of town" kollel" where it is not the norm and they are appreciated by the local baalebatim, and they get involved, etc.

If you are working at a job and you accomplish something successfully, likely you will have your peers commend you, your boss will notice, etc. Your efforts will get noticed and you will get complimented. You will be appreciated.

If you are in kollel, and you are learning seriously, your efforts will almost never get noticed. You figured out pshat in a difficult tosafos or Ritva! Wow! You are so excited. You tell the guys learning at the other table, and they could care less. They were not bothered by your question and just want you to leave them alone so they can work out their own difficult piece.

That weighs down on a person, even somebody who is supposed to be learning L'shma will often be affected by this eventually. These guys are human and want to be noticed for their accomplishments just like the rest of us.

That is mesirus nefesh in a way that you probably have not considered.

Are All Kollel People Nice?

So asks Alan after a recent incident. Personally, I think the funnier point is what G [hattip] and SaraK noted:

Wait, wait, wait...the MOTHER of someone who is thinking about moving in called to look into their child's prospective building.

That's priceless!

:::Sigh:::