Hat tip: Yankie
One of the most fantastic interviews you will see in a long time. If more of us would try more often to focus our view of the world and people on their merits and not their negative aspects, perhaps we really could impact the world positively.
Showing posts with label Jewish Community. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Jewish Community. Show all posts
Friday, August 02, 2013
Thursday, August 01, 2013
No School Is Perfect
We recently moved to Cleveland from New York, and while at first we took it as a given where we would send our kids to school, after talking to a few people we gave the decision a second, much longer look - going through a similar process as we'd done two years previously in Queens. Ultimately, in both instances, we ended up sticking with our first choice; but in both processes, we were forced to think about what deficiencies the school we'd ultimately send our daughters to would have.
A friend recently pointed out an interesting article from the Jewish Week that touches on this point, albeit in a different context, that of special needs:
No school will ever be perfect. As parents, we need to determine which school is best for our children; for some, that is the school that is the most like them. For some, it is the school that provides the most specific approach, for others the most open approach; for some, it is the school with the strong Judaic or secular education; for others, it's the school with the best middos, or some combination of the above. And for many, it's "Which school can give me the best tuition break!?" All of these are valid approaches when applied correctly.
For us, though, it was less about a specific trait than about an approach: What aspects of our children's education are we least and most equipped to supplement? I bumped into an older supporter of one of the schools whose children had gone to both, and who had grandchildren in both as well. The first words out of his mouth were that I was making a mistake, and should definitely send the girls to the school that we had not chosen. (He is nothing if not open about his opinions.) We ended up having a fantastic, if quick, conversation on the subject, and he noted at one point: "I will acknowledge, [the school we picked] does a fantastic job of ingraining X." For us, it is easier to supplement our child's (say) math education than supplement X - and therefore, we chose to put ourselves in a situation where we can supplement any potential problems.
By placing children in schools which match the parents, while it helps with consistency, it also can create a redundancy - both positively and negatively. While the school's strengths may be further enhanced by equally strong parents in a given area, any lacking the school may have would only be compounded by the parents lacking the same. But by viewing the school more as a teammate in a child's upbringing, where the strengths of the school and the strengths of the parents help overcome one another's deficiencies, it can help a child become a more complete person.
A friend recently pointed out an interesting article from the Jewish Week that touches on this point, albeit in a different context, that of special needs:
In short, there is a tension between our demands that our Jewish day schools be able to compete with Sidwell Friends and Choate, while deeply covering Jewish subjects, as well as comprehensively addressing special needs. There is no way around it. [...]
When I was a kid, and went to Jewish day school, my parents made a major financial sacrifice, and accepted that they were not going to get 100 percent of what they wanted from one school. I got a decent Jewish education if not the best secular education (I did supplemental work with my parents and a tutor out of school) but on balance am grateful for the experience. It was compromise, and a lot of my education -- Jewish and otherwise -- but the goal was to imbibe the mesorah and to participate in the construction of the next generation of the Jewish community.
No school will ever be perfect. As parents, we need to determine which school is best for our children; for some, that is the school that is the most like them. For some, it is the school that provides the most specific approach, for others the most open approach; for some, it is the school with the strong Judaic or secular education; for others, it's the school with the best middos, or some combination of the above. And for many, it's "Which school can give me the best tuition break!?" All of these are valid approaches when applied correctly.
For us, though, it was less about a specific trait than about an approach: What aspects of our children's education are we least and most equipped to supplement? I bumped into an older supporter of one of the schools whose children had gone to both, and who had grandchildren in both as well. The first words out of his mouth were that I was making a mistake, and should definitely send the girls to the school that we had not chosen. (He is nothing if not open about his opinions.) We ended up having a fantastic, if quick, conversation on the subject, and he noted at one point: "I will acknowledge, [the school we picked] does a fantastic job of ingraining X." For us, it is easier to supplement our child's (say) math education than supplement X - and therefore, we chose to put ourselves in a situation where we can supplement any potential problems.
By placing children in schools which match the parents, while it helps with consistency, it also can create a redundancy - both positively and negatively. While the school's strengths may be further enhanced by equally strong parents in a given area, any lacking the school may have would only be compounded by the parents lacking the same. But by viewing the school more as a teammate in a child's upbringing, where the strengths of the school and the strengths of the parents help overcome one another's deficiencies, it can help a child become a more complete person.
Wednesday, December 05, 2012
Real Leadership
Tonight I received an email from someone in the shul I daven in which said the following (edited slightly):
All,
As I'm sure you all know, the Weberman trial has been going on for the past week, and I personally have been following this trial pretty closely, and have gone to court as well as a protest in the name of this victim and all victims whom are suffering in silence due to the pressure and intimidation of our very own community. We all read about these things in the news, and talk about how it is terrible that these things happen, and then we go on with our day.
Well, here is a chance for each and everyone of us to make a difference and show the victims that we will stand by their side, and Yes, we care and will not tolerate the fear and intimidation that is being bred throughout our schools and Shuls.
At Shalish Shudas this past week I mentioned to the Rabbi that I wanted to go to the trial, and he praised the idea and even mentioned that he should go himself. I called Rebbi today and asked him if he would come with me to court tomorrow, and sure enough, he is is a man of his word and told me he will come to show his support. I know for myself what this has done for me in the past couple hours knowing that the Rabbi is coming to show his support - imagine what it will do for these victims knowing that they have a Rabbi with a complete congregation in their corner!
I know this is short notice but I ask you all to take out a couple of hours tomorrow morning and come to court with me, Rebbi, and a couple of others (so far) to show our support.Some have already replied they will come along; others (including myself) noted that they can't take off work on such short notice, but expressed support. If anyone is interested in joining, please feel free to do so - it would mean an incredible amount to those who have been abused and others. The girl in this case was told that a shul would be coming led by their Rav, and was beyond words. R' Yaakov Horowitz has written a number of pieces on the case and why people should come show their support, and has himself been going as well.
The trial is at Brooklyn Criminal Court 320 Jay St ( there is a parking lot on the block) 20th Floor. Court starts at 9 a.m.
Please respond if you plan on coming and we will work out rides together.
Thanks!
As for myself, I'm just honored to be a part of such a shul.
Thursday, October 25, 2012
The Rabbi's Daughter
The Rabbi's Daughter from בית ספר מעלה on Vimeo.
Fascinating video - it's almost a profile of a few daughters of famous Religious Zionist Rabbonim in Israel, who aren't religious/as religious as their parents, and how that impacts their lives. It's very emotional without trying to be, and just very interesting.
Tuesday, August 28, 2012
Standards
In the previous post, Walking Away from Judaism, many of the commenters took the post to be about Judaism's own standards, and began heated debates on the subject. While interesting, it was not the focal point of the post, nor was it what was being driven at.
Growing up, I was always told that Jews were honest, good people. I was told this by Jews, but I was also told this by gentiles. They trusted the Jews, because we were trustworthy, and we were honest. We would treat them fairly and treat one another fairly. This was still true as I got older, too - it was the Jews who would tell cashiers if they were given too much change, it was the Jews who would go out of their way to help others - whether the person being helped was Jewish or not.
Today... this is simply not the view. When numerous people were defending criminals in the Orthodox community in a situation I was directly impacted by, it was the gentiles who had lost tens of thousands of dollars from those criminals who were the biggest menschen about it. Others have told us similar stories of Jews acting horribly, while the non-Jews involved performed well beyond the call of duty. The gentiles in the first story not only were incredibly kind and pleasant, meeting up with some of us afterward and being genuinely great people, but they even went beyond and tried to help a couple people who were struggling to find something to get a job. Meanwhile, in the community, people told those struggling that they should be thankful a criminal gave them a job for a year. Another friend was upended from a teaching job in a Jewish day school where he was performing wonderfully, because an administrator was rubbed the wrong way. Another administrator said it wasn't right, that he would fight for him... so the school held his own job over his head. He kept quiet. The only one to speak up? The non-Jewish general studies teacher who worked with him, who wrote a glowing recommendation, noting that what was being done was just wrong.
What happened? When did our community become so... horrible? We used to have standards of decency; expectations of how people act, a dedication to honesty and integrity, and an understanding of what the best way of doing things was. Now, we have nothing - no standards, no expectations, no honesty, and certainly no good approach of how to do things. We cannot continue in the direction we are going, or there will be nothing left worth salvaging. When, indeed, did we become so horrible? And, more importantly, what can we do about it?
I don't have a solution. But it certainly needs to start from within - we need to care about our standards. We need to care when people don't live up to them. People can't simply ignore the negative issues that surround them constantly. The more people speak up about the little things, the more it may begin to have an impact on all issues. It's time to start living up to our own standards.
Growing up, I was always told that Jews were honest, good people. I was told this by Jews, but I was also told this by gentiles. They trusted the Jews, because we were trustworthy, and we were honest. We would treat them fairly and treat one another fairly. This was still true as I got older, too - it was the Jews who would tell cashiers if they were given too much change, it was the Jews who would go out of their way to help others - whether the person being helped was Jewish or not.
Today... this is simply not the view. When numerous people were defending criminals in the Orthodox community in a situation I was directly impacted by, it was the gentiles who had lost tens of thousands of dollars from those criminals who were the biggest menschen about it. Others have told us similar stories of Jews acting horribly, while the non-Jews involved performed well beyond the call of duty. The gentiles in the first story not only were incredibly kind and pleasant, meeting up with some of us afterward and being genuinely great people, but they even went beyond and tried to help a couple people who were struggling to find something to get a job. Meanwhile, in the community, people told those struggling that they should be thankful a criminal gave them a job for a year. Another friend was upended from a teaching job in a Jewish day school where he was performing wonderfully, because an administrator was rubbed the wrong way. Another administrator said it wasn't right, that he would fight for him... so the school held his own job over his head. He kept quiet. The only one to speak up? The non-Jewish general studies teacher who worked with him, who wrote a glowing recommendation, noting that what was being done was just wrong.
What happened? When did our community become so... horrible? We used to have standards of decency; expectations of how people act, a dedication to honesty and integrity, and an understanding of what the best way of doing things was. Now, we have nothing - no standards, no expectations, no honesty, and certainly no good approach of how to do things. We cannot continue in the direction we are going, or there will be nothing left worth salvaging. When, indeed, did we become so horrible? And, more importantly, what can we do about it?
I don't have a solution. But it certainly needs to start from within - we need to care about our standards. We need to care when people don't live up to them. People can't simply ignore the negative issues that surround them constantly. The more people speak up about the little things, the more it may begin to have an impact on all issues. It's time to start living up to our own standards.
Tuesday, August 21, 2012
Walking Away From Judaism
The last few months - perhaps years, but in particular the recent months - have been very trying for the average Orthodox Jew. Depending on one's views, a person may have spent the recent months justifying the massive expense for a gathering about an undoubtedly serious issue, defending the views expressed at said gathering and/or reconciling them with other serious conflicts, commenting on the sad article by a divorced man and his ex-wife whose dedication to his learning over working ultimately led to their divorce, and perhaps defending the stance of a major Jewish organization regarding how they feel molestation accusations should be handled - or criticizing all of the above. Or, perhaps some balance of both. No matter what one's opinions, there is no way to get around that these are the major topics of discussion in today's Orthodox world, and to argue any of these points is difficult, tiring, and perhaps most of all, depressing.
My mother was in a few months ago to visit my grandparents, and we discussed briefly how some Rabbonim feel that molestation cases should first be reported to Rabbonim before seeking out the secular authorities. My mother (who is a ba'alas teshuva from the 60's) was moderately aghast, and said something along the lines of "If a Rabbi would get up and say to me that I should report my kid being molested to him instead of the police, I'd hang my hat on the whole religion and walk away." I didn't have the heart to note that it was the spokesperson of one of the largest Orthodox organizations, the Agudah, which made this statement as an official Agudah edict, though she will upon reading this piece.
Her comment, however, makes a person wonder: Why, indeed, are we still clinging to Judaism?
A friend commented recently that she hates it when people say not to judge Judaism by the Jews: "A huge part of Orthodox life is the society we create around ourselves. We are meant to be part of the community." As such, it is impossible to just ignore everything that goes on and pretend as if it doesn't exist, as if it doesn't affect our day-to-day lives. Our children's schools are shaped by these issues, our home lives are shaped by them, and each of these issues ultimately shape how our communities are structured and how we interact with one another and with the world at large. Molestation is not merely an issue of children being horribly abused; it is an issue of what our priorities are as a community vis-a-vis interaction with secular authorities, how to balance protection of children from a suspected molester with the protection of adults from false accusations, how we weigh status, how we interact with our own communities, how we view someone who has committed horrible acts in the past moving forward, and how we view safety in general.
It is not enough to say that we should concentrate on worrying about ourselves while ignoring the actions of others. While understandable as an individual viewpoint, this passive approach has been a quiet failure for the Jewish community as a whole, as the actions of others do affect us. When a molester is protected for whatever sake, what does that show about how we value life, innocence, and our children? When dishonesty and theft are ignored, their actors praised - even at supposedly 'insignificant' levels - what message does that send to the hard-working majority, or to the next generation? When people hear about the latest wrong and simply shrug their shoulders, resigned to the idea that "well that's how it goes", without making a conscious effort to avoid patronizing, socializing, and rewarding those who act contrary to what is right, what does it say about us as a community?
What does it say about us as a people, as a religion, when we seem to spend more time justifying all we do that is wrong than being able to point to anything we do that is right?
It is easy to say that it is Elul, and a perfect time for a plea for action. But we shouldn't need Elul to wake up to what we're doing, to see where this is heading! We shouldn't need a special reason or push to do what we're supposed to be doing already. It's appalling that we don't speak out against all the issues that plague us as a community. It's despicable that we shrug off dishonesty like it's common, even if it is - especially if it is! - and it's pathetic that we still have sizable groups in the community who defend molesters; who don't care how they get something so long as it's a good deal for them, or who don't care about how a store acts or how a person made their money; and though we're decades into discussing the subject, who don't understand why so many kids are running off the derech. Maybe if we turned our backs on the people doing wrong, instead of on those trying to do what's right, we'll find that our community returns to one of happiness, of greatness, and of Godliness. Let's get it together for the simple reason that that's what we're supposed to do.
Otherwise, what are we clinging to?
My mother was in a few months ago to visit my grandparents, and we discussed briefly how some Rabbonim feel that molestation cases should first be reported to Rabbonim before seeking out the secular authorities. My mother (who is a ba'alas teshuva from the 60's) was moderately aghast, and said something along the lines of "If a Rabbi would get up and say to me that I should report my kid being molested to him instead of the police, I'd hang my hat on the whole religion and walk away." I didn't have the heart to note that it was the spokesperson of one of the largest Orthodox organizations, the Agudah, which made this statement as an official Agudah edict, though she will upon reading this piece.
Her comment, however, makes a person wonder: Why, indeed, are we still clinging to Judaism?
A friend commented recently that she hates it when people say not to judge Judaism by the Jews: "A huge part of Orthodox life is the society we create around ourselves. We are meant to be part of the community." As such, it is impossible to just ignore everything that goes on and pretend as if it doesn't exist, as if it doesn't affect our day-to-day lives. Our children's schools are shaped by these issues, our home lives are shaped by them, and each of these issues ultimately shape how our communities are structured and how we interact with one another and with the world at large. Molestation is not merely an issue of children being horribly abused; it is an issue of what our priorities are as a community vis-a-vis interaction with secular authorities, how to balance protection of children from a suspected molester with the protection of adults from false accusations, how we weigh status, how we interact with our own communities, how we view someone who has committed horrible acts in the past moving forward, and how we view safety in general.
It is not enough to say that we should concentrate on worrying about ourselves while ignoring the actions of others. While understandable as an individual viewpoint, this passive approach has been a quiet failure for the Jewish community as a whole, as the actions of others do affect us. When a molester is protected for whatever sake, what does that show about how we value life, innocence, and our children? When dishonesty and theft are ignored, their actors praised - even at supposedly 'insignificant' levels - what message does that send to the hard-working majority, or to the next generation? When people hear about the latest wrong and simply shrug their shoulders, resigned to the idea that "well that's how it goes", without making a conscious effort to avoid patronizing, socializing, and rewarding those who act contrary to what is right, what does it say about us as a community?
What does it say about us as a people, as a religion, when we seem to spend more time justifying all we do that is wrong than being able to point to anything we do that is right?
It is easy to say that it is Elul, and a perfect time for a plea for action. But we shouldn't need Elul to wake up to what we're doing, to see where this is heading! We shouldn't need a special reason or push to do what we're supposed to be doing already. It's appalling that we don't speak out against all the issues that plague us as a community. It's despicable that we shrug off dishonesty like it's common, even if it is - especially if it is! - and it's pathetic that we still have sizable groups in the community who defend molesters; who don't care how they get something so long as it's a good deal for them, or who don't care about how a store acts or how a person made their money; and though we're decades into discussing the subject, who don't understand why so many kids are running off the derech. Maybe if we turned our backs on the people doing wrong, instead of on those trying to do what's right, we'll find that our community returns to one of happiness, of greatness, and of Godliness. Let's get it together for the simple reason that that's what we're supposed to do.
Otherwise, what are we clinging to?
Sunday, July 01, 2012
A Plea For Help
Received via e-mail from a young woman who endured horrible sexual abuse, and has been working incredibly hard (and been reasonably successful) at overcoming the demons of her past while creating a successful life and future for herself. But successful therapy requires a lot of hard work - and paying the therapists and all the others who work so hard alongside the person.
What is it about psychotherapy that makes people turn their backs? Yes, I know there's no money for anything. And sure, I can throw myself to the mercy of a sliding scale fee clinic with no experience dealing with DID, just as I'm starting to make progress.
But seriously, we have a community organization for everything. Cancer? We have you covered-kids of courage, chai lifeline, RCCS. In prison? Nationwide campaigns to help you out. No money for food? Masbia, tomchei shabbos, oneg shabbos. Developmental delays? Hasc, Bais Ezra, otzar. Physical illness? Bikur cholim from every group, and then they take care of you with all the equipment you need-I'm losing track of names of organizations, but people will bring you hospital beds, commodes, rolling bedside tables, crutches, wheelchairs. You name it.
Have an out of the ordinary mental illness? They won't even return emails. I am nearly at the point of embarrassing myself and my family and standing on a street corner begging. At least beggars on the street get your loose change.
Please, if you're reading this, it means I trust you completely. Spread my story without my name. I can't deal with the guilt anymore. My father is writing out checks on pay checks he hasn't gotten yet for some of my treatment, part of my treatment team hasn't been paid since before my first hospitalization this year.
The address where people can send money (the story includes a wonderful, anonymous person who has agreed to have the therapy fund money mailed to his house so it can be funneled in the right direction):
Keren Zichron Gedalyahu
C/O M. Keller
566 East 8th Street
Brooklyn, NY 11218
What is it about psychotherapy that makes people turn their backs? Yes, I know there's no money for anything. And sure, I can throw myself to the mercy of a sliding scale fee clinic with no experience dealing with DID, just as I'm starting to make progress.
But seriously, we have a community organization for everything. Cancer? We have you covered-kids of courage, chai lifeline, RCCS. In prison? Nationwide campaigns to help you out. No money for food? Masbia, tomchei shabbos, oneg shabbos. Developmental delays? Hasc, Bais Ezra, otzar. Physical illness? Bikur cholim from every group, and then they take care of you with all the equipment you need-I'm losing track of names of organizations, but people will bring you hospital beds, commodes, rolling bedside tables, crutches, wheelchairs. You name it.
Have an out of the ordinary mental illness? They won't even return emails. I am nearly at the point of embarrassing myself and my family and standing on a street corner begging. At least beggars on the street get your loose change.
Please, if you're reading this, it means I trust you completely. Spread my story without my name. I can't deal with the guilt anymore. My father is writing out checks on pay checks he hasn't gotten yet for some of my treatment, part of my treatment team hasn't been paid since before my first hospitalization this year.
The address where people can send money (the story includes a wonderful, anonymous person who has agreed to have the therapy fund money mailed to his house so it can be funneled in the right direction):
Keren Zichron Gedalyahu
C/O M. Keller
566 East 8th Street
Brooklyn, NY 11218
Wednesday, May 16, 2012
Loshon Hara About Gedolim
A recent post by my cousin R' Ally was very interesting, discussing his thoughts regarding ruminating about various Rabbonim and Gedolim and their shortcomings. It's a worthwhile read, and as he asked for feedback at the end, this is what I e-mailed him (very slightly edited). Please note that this was a quick middle of the night e-mail and therefore not fully fleshed out, particularly the last paragraph which ends abruptly.
For whatever it's worth from a non-Halachic mind...
I've long felt that using sechel is important. Obviously what the Chazon Ish says about it needing to be accurate is of utmost importance (as it always should be), but once that's established, I see no issue in reporting the truth and informing people about Rabbonim/Gedolim/et al. By definition a gadol needs to be someone whom a person can respect, and if knowing a piece of information will change a person's mindset as to how they view a Rav/Gadol and what they are saying I would think that is critical.
A few years ago, I was criticized by some for allowing to be published on my blog a [public] letter of a Rebbe where he spoke out in a very nasty way about a certain institution. Nobody disputes the accuracy of what was written, yet I received threats from some of his talmidim for 'saying badly' about a 'Gadol b'Torah'. I believe all of those people were wrong - there are many parents who would be hesitant at best to send their child to a Rebbe with those views, feeling that he will not teach their children appropriately, and it is important to show those parents what he thinks in his own words. I don't think this constitutes lashon hara whatsoever.*
Perhaps more importantly, a friend once went around to a number of Rabbonim/Rabbeim and Gedolim asking them to explain the concept of Da'as Torah clearly. He felt the best answer he received was from a Rebbe of ours who said that while he can't define the term, he can advise that a person find a Rebbe who "cares most about what's best for him [the Talmid] than anyone/anything else [i.e. the Rebbe, the Yeshiva, perceptions, etc.]". Based on that, which I think rings very much as Emes, I would further state that it's important that people understand which Rabbeim and Rabbonim and Gedolim are most capable of doing so. Therefore, I think it not just permissible but perhaps important to be clear about what a person's strengths and weaknesses might be particularly as it relates to being a Rav/Rebbe/Gadol.
I should add that it has often struck me that many Rabbeim I've met or even had are not capable from a Middos perspective of doing so, and that has always bothered me (perhaps particularly coming from a Mussar perspective, having grown up down the block from R' Dessler in Cleveland and learning in a Chofetz Chaim branch in a small town) - how can these people lead others, serve as their Rebbeim, etc.? (To varying degrees, and some people with poor middos can still accomplish a great deal in other areas of chinuch or Rabbonus etc., I don't mean to paint a broad brush at all.)
For whatever it's worth from a non-Halachic mind...
I've long felt that using sechel is important. Obviously what the Chazon Ish says about it needing to be accurate is of utmost importance (as it always should be), but once that's established, I see no issue in reporting the truth and informing people about Rabbonim/Gedolim/et al. By definition a gadol needs to be someone whom a person can respect, and if knowing a piece of information will change a person's mindset as to how they view a Rav/Gadol and what they are saying I would think that is critical.
A few years ago, I was criticized by some for allowing to be published on my blog a [public] letter of a Rebbe where he spoke out in a very nasty way about a certain institution. Nobody disputes the accuracy of what was written, yet I received threats from some of his talmidim for 'saying badly' about a 'Gadol b'Torah'. I believe all of those people were wrong - there are many parents who would be hesitant at best to send their child to a Rebbe with those views, feeling that he will not teach their children appropriately, and it is important to show those parents what he thinks in his own words. I don't think this constitutes lashon hara whatsoever.*
Perhaps more importantly, a friend once went around to a number of Rabbonim/Rabbeim and Gedolim asking them to explain the concept of Da'as Torah clearly. He felt the best answer he received was from a Rebbe of ours who said that while he can't define the term, he can advise that a person find a Rebbe who "cares most about what's best for him [the Talmid] than anyone/anything else [i.e. the Rebbe, the Yeshiva, perceptions, etc.]". Based on that, which I think rings very much as Emes, I would further state that it's important that people understand which Rabbeim and Rabbonim and Gedolim are most capable of doing so. Therefore, I think it not just permissible but perhaps important to be clear about what a person's strengths and weaknesses might be particularly as it relates to being a Rav/Rebbe/Gadol.
I should add that it has often struck me that many Rabbeim I've met or even had are not capable from a Middos perspective of doing so, and that has always bothered me (perhaps particularly coming from a Mussar perspective, having grown up down the block from R' Dessler in Cleveland and learning in a Chofetz Chaim branch in a small town) - how can these people lead others, serve as their Rebbeim, etc.? (To varying degrees, and some people with poor middos can still accomplish a great deal in other areas of chinuch or Rabbonus etc., I don't mean to paint a broad brush at all.)
*A Rosh Yeshiva I respect who was directly negatively impacted by the incident expressed very nicely to me a couple of years later that my posting about the letter had hurt, and he felt I should not have done so, though he said he was fully mochel regardless. I disagree (and didn't ask for said mechila, though it's nice to have in case I'm wrong) for the reasons stated above.
Wednesday, May 02, 2012
Picky, Picky: It Would Be Funny...
...if it weren't so serious.
Bad4Shidduchim has penned a beautiful, funny-yet-moving Open Letter to female singles in the frum world that everyone (single or married, male or female) should be sure to read in full. It's hard to choose an excerpt, it's so well put, but to expound on a couple points:
Firstly, near the end of our long, back and forth discussion, she noted something which is extremely important: [slightly edited]
Reading between the lines of the shadchan's original e-mail, it seemed she was subtly hinting that she was doing just that, at least to some extent, and this was confirmed in her response to our friend - the shadchan feels stuck between a rock and a hard place. She laments the guys who she would like to set up but doesn't feel they are "ready" to date, and gets very upset at those who want "stunning" girls or are unreasonable in general. She decries the boys who want specific "looks" they like, states clearly that the majority of the girls are far superior to the guys in most ways, and notes that the boys' attitudes toward looks put shadchanim in a tough spot. She does, however, end up trying to set these boys up with girls similar to their demanded "look".
Our friend's reply nails the solution on the head:
For the rest of us, however, this is absolutely something we can do. One of the major contributors to the so-called shidduch "crisis" is that rather than attempting to solve the core issues, people cater to them instead: Instead of telling boys to grow up, not be shallow, and give people a fair chance, we instead tell the girls to try and fit the shtus-like approach and do whatever they can to knock a guy's socks off when he picks her up. Instead of stopping girls from dating too young, which is creating an incredibly imbalanced pool, parents encourage daughters to date younger and younger so they have more of a chance of finding someone - not realizing that they're actually making it harder just by adding their daughters to create an absurdly high ration of girls to boys.
But certainly among people we've spoken to, behind the scenes things are different. Are guys still getting more dates than girls? Seemingly. But more and more, their friends and even their family sometimes simply don't feel comfortable setting them up, noting that they're too shallow, too immature, and too difficult. Girls who are dating are finding more and more that their dates have a serious lack of maturity, skewed value systems, and to some extent (not always) are taking the attitude that they aren't going to put up with it anymore. If a guy is demanding a ton of information or a set of pictures for a simple first date, they view him as too immature and not worth the time, and have the shadchan (if not the girl herself) basically pull back the suggestion. Essentially, these girls are saying that if a guy is actually a mensch, he'll act appropriately and they won't need to jump through all these hoops and play all these games to go out.
More importantly: They're right.
The girls who have taken the attitude of "if he's interested, great. If not, that's fine, too" have, it seems*, an easier time dealing with the dating world - and the guys who act similarly are having better experiences as well. By not allowing one side to cater to the whims of the other, the dating dynamic changes - no longer are relationships uneven, but they begin to take shape on even footing. The girls regain their self-esteem by not lowering themselves to chase dates, and for the guys who work at building such relationships despite not having every card in their hand it creates a sense of humility and hubris that seems to be disappearing otherwise. It's also reasonable to say that being forced to work at building, rather than simply choosing or being picked to be part of a relationship, allows couples to appreciate them that much more, which may help to stem the increasing spate of divorces in the frum community. (One can hope, anyway.)
While it is difficult to choose the atypical path, perhaps those young women who wish to build strong, lasting relationships should simply stop playing the game. Normally, a couple heads on a date knowing every bit of mundane information about the other person, plus any great story that their respective friends told them about one another. This effectively kills the date from the get go - there's less of a reason to listen to the person across the table other than to overanalyze all their little tics and comments and be incredibly self-conscious of one's own. For the most part, people have made a basic box set of judgments about the other person from the information provided., and all the date accomplishes is fill the box in a bit.
Perhaps instead**, young men and women should ask their friends and family to set them up based on the one or two core values which are integral to their being above every other (and be truly honest with themselves about what these are, or this will be a failure) or even nothing, and otherwise instruct their friends to say nothing about them - and to accept those matches which accept those terms. And perhaps those guys who are menschen - or maybe just sick of being told about countless girls who are exactly the same on paper - will get smart, take a chance, and say "Hey, you know what - I think that value is what I identify with", and give it a shot. Suddenly, the date isn't a boring give and take talking about everything the pair knows about one another, filling in a pre-defined box, but instead building a picture of a person almost from scratch, with one major foundation piece at its base.
And hey - if it doesn't work, there's always plastic surgery.
* Please note that this is from our selective experiences and obviously could be unrepresentative. That said, all four couples we helped introduce/set up who are married did so without any games, without any advance pictures of one another prior to meeting, and by handling their relationships basically entirely on their own as adults. I think I've been involved in less than 20 set-ups, most of which lasted at least a number of dates, which is about the best a person setting people up can expect - the rest is up to the daters themselves.
** I tested the above theory on one couple. For six months, the guy (who wanted a break from dating in general) refused to date a girl on just my say-so without any information. Finally, one day, he acquiesced, figuring what's the harm. They recently gave birth to a beautiful baby girl. Sure, 1 is a horrible sample size, but 1/1 is still batting 1.000!
Dear Girlfriends,A friend of ours became infuriated when she read the now infamous controversial piece in The Jewish Press recently by Yitta Halberstam, prompting a fantastic email discussion on the subject of shidduchim in general, and thanks to a timely e-mail from a shadchan, a specific one about "picky boys".
You put up with a lot of criticism when dating. Even if you staunchly stand against nose jobs, it can’t help but get to you: all that disapprobation of how you dress, how you look, how you do your hair and carry yourself. What you say on a first date and what you shouldn’t have said. Some say you’re not modest enough. Some say you’re too modest—you’re not in high school anymore. Some say be yourself; some say don’t lay it on too thick at first. Whatever you do is somehow wrong, and that’s the reason you’re still single. [...]
Don’t let those other people get to you. They don’t know you well enough, and they’re too shallow themselves to delve beyond your surface. Those guys who complained about your hair, your makeup? Too busy keeping artificial scores to experience real life. The one who ditched you because he worried you weren’t pretty enough to show his friends? He’s the one who should be self-conscious, not you.
Firstly, near the end of our long, back and forth discussion, she noted something which is extremely important: [slightly edited]
As much as I have a healthy self esteem, when I read these articles about looks, etc., or if I'm having a bad day with regards to my look, or if I gain some weight (helloooo, I'm a girl, it happens! I love chocolate), then I get really anxious. As much as I know I'm supposed to be appreciated for my internals - and even when I'm on the chubby side, I'm still attractive - it can get to you! And I'm generally healthy and really not predisposed to eating disorders, etc., but if I can get so affected, and I'm generally healthy, then what about others who are not!??! Geez.Meanwhile, while we were having our discussion, someone had told her to contact a shadchan about a certain boy, but the shadchan told our friend nicely in an e-mail that the boy is "very picky" and while she thinks it's a good fit hashkafically and personality-wise, she had tried setting him up previously and would have to say no for now. Our friend followed up to note that she wasn't asking to be set up, but that while she was on the subject, it seemed that if everything else was okay, the only logical conclusion would be that looks were the issue - and while she is quite secure in her looks and anyone she dates (and she usually doesn't date via shadchan) seem to appreciate her looks just fine, she nevertheless feels uncomfortable even being set up by someone who would condone such behavior and facilitate on behalf of such a boy.
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| No caption necessary... |
Reading between the lines of the shadchan's original e-mail, it seemed she was subtly hinting that she was doing just that, at least to some extent, and this was confirmed in her response to our friend - the shadchan feels stuck between a rock and a hard place. She laments the guys who she would like to set up but doesn't feel they are "ready" to date, and gets very upset at those who want "stunning" girls or are unreasonable in general. She decries the boys who want specific "looks" they like, states clearly that the majority of the girls are far superior to the guys in most ways, and notes that the boys' attitudes toward looks put shadchanim in a tough spot. She does, however, end up trying to set these boys up with girls similar to their demanded "look".
Our friend's reply nails the solution on the head:
Thank you very much for your response; I appreciate that this seems to be an all too common issue and you as a shadchan end up in the middle. I only wish (as I'm sure you and many others do) that we could find some way to express to certain guys (and girls I'm sure) that the huge focus and unhealthy perspectives related to looks (because I totally understand that attraction IS a big deal, within reason!) can be damaging not only to their ability to build and maintain strong relationships but that people will also become hesitant to set them up.It is hard to fault a formal shadchan from doing the best they can with what they have in terms of setting people up, even if that means working around boys' picky whims to try and make matches. Would it be better if they simply said "I'm sorry, but I don't feel comfortable setting you up" - ? Certainly! But it serves little purpose to attack them for this, as they are simply trying to do a job, and the shadchan strongly felt that otherwise, these were genuinely nice boys who seem to have fallen into this trap. It's at least arguable for a professional to work with what they've got.
For the rest of us, however, this is absolutely something we can do. One of the major contributors to the so-called shidduch "crisis" is that rather than attempting to solve the core issues, people cater to them instead: Instead of telling boys to grow up, not be shallow, and give people a fair chance, we instead tell the girls to try and fit the shtus-like approach and do whatever they can to knock a guy's socks off when he picks her up. Instead of stopping girls from dating too young, which is creating an incredibly imbalanced pool, parents encourage daughters to date younger and younger so they have more of a chance of finding someone - not realizing that they're actually making it harder just by adding their daughters to create an absurdly high ration of girls to boys.
But certainly among people we've spoken to, behind the scenes things are different. Are guys still getting more dates than girls? Seemingly. But more and more, their friends and even their family sometimes simply don't feel comfortable setting them up, noting that they're too shallow, too immature, and too difficult. Girls who are dating are finding more and more that their dates have a serious lack of maturity, skewed value systems, and to some extent (not always) are taking the attitude that they aren't going to put up with it anymore. If a guy is demanding a ton of information or a set of pictures for a simple first date, they view him as too immature and not worth the time, and have the shadchan (if not the girl herself) basically pull back the suggestion. Essentially, these girls are saying that if a guy is actually a mensch, he'll act appropriately and they won't need to jump through all these hoops and play all these games to go out.
More importantly: They're right.
The girls who have taken the attitude of "if he's interested, great. If not, that's fine, too" have, it seems*, an easier time dealing with the dating world - and the guys who act similarly are having better experiences as well. By not allowing one side to cater to the whims of the other, the dating dynamic changes - no longer are relationships uneven, but they begin to take shape on even footing. The girls regain their self-esteem by not lowering themselves to chase dates, and for the guys who work at building such relationships despite not having every card in their hand it creates a sense of humility and hubris that seems to be disappearing otherwise. It's also reasonable to say that being forced to work at building, rather than simply choosing or being picked to be part of a relationship, allows couples to appreciate them that much more, which may help to stem the increasing spate of divorces in the frum community. (One can hope, anyway.)
While it is difficult to choose the atypical path, perhaps those young women who wish to build strong, lasting relationships should simply stop playing the game. Normally, a couple heads on a date knowing every bit of mundane information about the other person, plus any great story that their respective friends told them about one another. This effectively kills the date from the get go - there's less of a reason to listen to the person across the table other than to overanalyze all their little tics and comments and be incredibly self-conscious of one's own. For the most part, people have made a basic box set of judgments about the other person from the information provided., and all the date accomplishes is fill the box in a bit.
Perhaps instead**, young men and women should ask their friends and family to set them up based on the one or two core values which are integral to their being above every other (and be truly honest with themselves about what these are, or this will be a failure) or even nothing, and otherwise instruct their friends to say nothing about them - and to accept those matches which accept those terms. And perhaps those guys who are menschen - or maybe just sick of being told about countless girls who are exactly the same on paper - will get smart, take a chance, and say "Hey, you know what - I think that value is what I identify with", and give it a shot. Suddenly, the date isn't a boring give and take talking about everything the pair knows about one another, filling in a pre-defined box, but instead building a picture of a person almost from scratch, with one major foundation piece at its base.
And hey - if it doesn't work, there's always plastic surgery.
* Please note that this is from our selective experiences and obviously could be unrepresentative. That said, all four couples we helped introduce/set up who are married did so without any games, without any advance pictures of one another prior to meeting, and by handling their relationships basically entirely on their own as adults. I think I've been involved in less than 20 set-ups, most of which lasted at least a number of dates, which is about the best a person setting people up can expect - the rest is up to the daters themselves.
** I tested the above theory on one couple. For six months, the guy (who wanted a break from dating in general) refused to date a girl on just my say-so without any information. Finally, one day, he acquiesced, figuring what's the harm. They recently gave birth to a beautiful baby girl. Sure, 1 is a horrible sample size, but 1/1 is still batting 1.000!
Monday, April 02, 2012
So Much To Say...
...so little time, at least to do so properly. So let's just try some rapid-fire instead:
* Not that I believe it necessary as this should be obvious, but please note that any opinions on this blog are my own and never that of my employers.
- It is incredibly difficult to consistently have to debate between being deflated by the horrible actions and words of so many in the Orthodox Jewish community and inspired by all those who decry and fight against those same actions and words. The problem, as always, is that the former group so often seems to be far bigger than the latter.
A few posts on this should be coming soon. - On a similar but different note, it's sad and amazing to see the constant changes in so many of our friends' lives (and our own). We've seen too many close friends and family go through unbearable pain, loss, hardship, or divorce; and we've thankfully seen far more build and begin to build beautiful lives, whether professionally, locale, getting married, having kids, or the like. It's tough also to see some people in the same circles going through joy and pain at the same time, knowing that each one impacts the other as well, and it's hard to be there as much as we'd like to be for friends both in hard times and in good ones.
- The Supreme Court deliberations on ObamaCare were incredibly fascinating and worth reading in full (trust me, I did it - the link there is Tuesday's, which is likely the most important). I don't see how the individual mandate doesn't get struck down, and while less sure I'd imagine that the rest will get struck down with it (perhaps with a different group of assenting judges).
As an added note, the President's statement today 'warning' the Supreme Court was ludicrous and a ridiculous overreach of power (at least in terms of words) [imagine if President Bush had said the same before a major SCOTUS decision], but more laughable was what he said about this being "unprecedented, extraordinary step of overturning a law that was passed by a strong majority of a democratically elected Congress" - as CWY noted, every law is passed by a majority of a democratically elected Congress! The judges' role is to determine if those are Constitutional. Plus, it wasn't a strong majority at all, but a bare majority of 217-212 in the House with not a single Republican voting Yea. - If it does get struck down, it might be the best gift for Mitt Romney presuming he is the Republican nominee, taking away a difficult issue for him. He can turn the focus on the economy itself, an area where his record is substantially better than Obama's.
- My current job places a very strong focus on Medicare and Medicaid, particularly the financial portions of each. It is mind-boggling to me to see just how poorly and behind the times government has been and will continue to be, and how much waste they cause despite truly noble intentions. The government simply has no ability to manage care either from a clinical perspective or a financial perspective, which means that everyone is damaged in the process.*
- The NBA season is over, with the Cavs doing a nice job of positioning for this coming draft, and the NFL Draft I'm trying to avoid getting too deep into at this point (trade to #6, take Claiborne!) because I'll probably end up driving myself insane. So... it's baseball time!
My team this year (10-team rotisserie, 5x5 standard, 1,350ip max, standard lineup including C/1B/2B/3B/SS/4OF/CI/2Util/2SP/6P/5Bench) picked 5th: C Napoli; 1B Lind; 2B Kipnis; 3B Bautista; CI M.Young; SS A.Cabrera; OF A.Gordon, Hart, Joyce, Rios; Util Zobrist, V.Wells; Bench Bourgeoius, Hafner, Mayberry. SP Halladay, C.Lee, Weaver, Fister; CL Hanrahan, Valverde, Santos, Motte, Storen; RP Pestano. Overall a fantastic pitching staff and a much better lineup than I normally start with. - Finally, if you are interested in seeing a great Cleveland Browns fan show his dedication to the team and his even stronger dedication to Judaism, though, this guy's "Fanography" is really fun to watch. I'm not being biased at all - my friends have all enjoyed and made a point to tell me how much they enjoyed. :-P
Enjoy!
* Not that I believe it necessary as this should be obvious, but please note that any opinions on this blog are my own and never that of my employers.
Monday, February 27, 2012
On The Wisdom Of Old
A number of years ago, I spent three days in California interviewing with an organization which did religious outreach across various college campuses in Southern California. By the end of the three days my wife and I were offered the opportunity to move to Santa Barbara (which we turned down), then spent a number of months discussing options in Los Angeles before eventually we decided to go our separate ways.
As part of the process, I was asked to talk to various college students of all types and stripes. In particular, I remember a fascinating conversation I had with a religious theology major at UCLA about approaches to life, God, religion, etc. One of the most fascinating parts of the conversation was when I argued that it seems odd to automatically assume that a given approach should be given no credibility no matter how long-standing it is. If anything, the more long-standing a point is, the more thought one should give that approach before moving onto others - yes, it can and should be questioned, but to assume that nobody prior to one's self has asked any of these questions shows a certain sense of ego and complete lack of humility, which would seemingly preclude the ability to make proper judgments down the line. Instead, one should first make sure to fully understand where a line of thought started, how it developed throughout time, and how it reached the point it has before passing any judgment on it. What was most amazing about our conversation was that this approach had never once occurred to nor had it been presented to this obviously intelligent, educated student whom I couldn't have been more than a year or two older than, and he was really taken aback by this.
This has been coming back to me recently as I watch various debates occur on a variety of topics, from politics to Judaism to life in general. Three good specific examples from the past couple weeks are particularly striking: Deborah Feldman's Unorthodox book; the battle waged over forcing religious institutions to pay for birth control; and a pathetic article written which suggested forgetting the Holocaust.
In the latter, the attention-seeking contrariness-driven Beacon, which was dismissed as a YU paper after its last stunt, somehow was still able to get some attention to itself by penning an absolutely horrible piece whining that Jews still use the Holocaust as a reasoning behind being for or against various policies. When I first saw the piece via email, I questioned if anyone was actually reading such drivel, and didn't think it was worth replying to, not even bothering to read a reply someone sent me later at first. But later that night, I decided to read the reply - and it was absolutely fantastic. In particular, this portion struck me as exactly the point:
[...] Remembering the Holocaust is not only important for its own sake. It is important because memory is education, education is action, and action is necessary: for any people anywhere. The ultimate goal of Holocaust education, of course, is genocide prevention: a promise encapsulated in the rallying mantra of “Never Again,” that which we have at once chanted and yet betrayed repeatedly.The same point was struck in the responses to the Obama administration's push regarding birth control without an exemption for religious organizations. Judaism is not against birth control, but the First Amendment is crucial to members of all religions regardless of the specifics of a given law. The Orthodox Union (among others) clearly noted this issue in their condemnation of the move - and yet supporters of the Obama administration on this issue believe this issue is something which should be forced upon religious organizations regardless. The Constitution, where freedom of religion was laid out originally in this country, is viewed as an old document written by people hundreds of years ago who didn't have the same social values as our enlightened, tech-driven generation. It is therefore not surprising that people would believe that it is trumped by certain important social values of today - except that however noble the intention, it ignores that the Constitution is not revered by many nor held as the basis of our laws because of its age. It is held in high esteem because of its wisdom - wisdom in how it approached, and most importantly, approaches, the future of this country. The reason there is a strict line between government and religions is so that there can never be a justification given for intruding on the religious freedoms of the people of this country. Once that line is crossed, there is no longer a concept of a religious freedom; there are only activities which the government accepts, and activities which it does not. Religion matters not at all; freedom matters not at all.
In a world without memory, we will simply lose our imagination to conceptualize peril. [...]
Finally, when reading reviews and descriptions of Deborah Feldman's book, in seems that in every aspect of life in one sect of Chassidim [at least among a large group], the approach to questions was simply "we don't ask". In fact, there was a review which I believe quoted one Chassidish woman as musing after a few such comments that "we don't do well with questions". But if we do not ask, we can never understand - and it is clear that Deborah Feldman did not understand much about how and why Judaism approaches life, a too common failing in the Jewish community. We cannot merely speak to traditions as the wisdom of old being passed down; we need to understand it so we can continue to pass it down as wisdom, and not some random archaic set of rules.
It is too often forgotten today that older approaches to life, law, and even remembering the Holocaust are not simply lists of rules or mantras to be followed blindly. Instead, they are incredibly structured, developed, thought out concepts which are meant to last for centuries, if not all eternity. Our job is to delve into them in order to understand them, and only then begin to determine the appropriate approaches to the issues of our times, utilizing those concepts and the lessons from our histories.
Monday, February 20, 2012
Mesila in Baltimore Tonight!
Via SaraK, this is great:
Join Mesila tonight, Monday, Feb. 20th, and gain some hashkafic views as well as some practical starting points for the budgeting process.The ad:
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
Remember
Guest post by AnonT
Less then a year ago, the world mourned as Leiby Kletzky was found, brutally murdered and butchered. Jews as a nation and the world mourned. Jews everywhere stood together, were unified in trying to understand this travesty, in trying to bring comfort to a shocked and bereaved family. This past summer, two young boys were tragically killed as they drove home from the mountains. And just months ago, Jews around the world, regardless of affiliation, spent 25 hours standing, praying and fasting on Yom Kippur.
Yet today, I open up the news and see Jews against Jews. I see children petrified and other children being used in horrific ways. I see comparisons of Jews, by Jews, to the vile evil that were/are the Nazis. It is enough to make you sick.
It is unfortunate, but I have been told for many years that it is imperative that we don’t Judaism by its practitioners but by the religion itself. While I accept this, it any wonder that so many Jews are leaving Judaism? Is it a wonder that those of us who are sticking it out with Judasim are disillusioned? When we Jews tear ourselves apart, when we fight with each other, when we tear each other down, when we lose sight of what our life is supposed to be about, the value of God, Torah and mitzvoth, are eradicated right before our eyes.
What does it take to make us Jews remember that we are all one? What will it take to ensure we remain united, even in our disagreements? Our enemies seem to have no problem remembering that a Jew is a Jew is a Jew. When 6 million jews were murdered in Europe less than 100 years ago, there was no discrimination. When Jews were burnt on the auto de fay in the Inquisition, a Jew was a Jew. When pogroms occurred, blood libels, tach ve’tat, it did not matter! We were all Jews. When bombings go off on buses, in restaurants, in wedding halls and in dance clubs, a Jew is a Jew.
Almost 10 years ago to this day, Daniel Pearl was beheaded and it was because, as he said himself, "My name is Daniel Pearl. I am a Jewish American from Encino, California, USA. I come from, uh, on my father's side the family is Zionist. My father's Jewish, my mother's Jewish, I'm Jewish. My family follows Judaism.” His captors did not care if he was from NY or California, if he was Reform, Conservative, or Chassidic. He was a Jew. His mother was a Jew. He was Jewish. That was enough. Do we forget? Do we forget the murder of the young Israeli in Europe a few years ago? I don’t remember his name, or what country he was in. But I remember the picture of him, in his happy days, sitting on a fence. And I know that he is no longer alive. Killed because he was a Jew.
Yaakov and Eisav were given brachot, the essential foundation of our nation. The brachot said that while one nation was up, the other nation would be forced serve the other. We are pulling ourselves down, and in doing so, we are forcing ourselves to serve those who have sought to kill us in every generation, at every chance they can get.
We are told countless times in our religion, zachor, remember! And if we weren’t told to remember, then the way of the world is to remember in order to understand history, and refrain from making mistakes again. We just had Chanukah, have we forgotten so recently the destruction of what we had? Purim is so soon, have we forgotten that we as a nation were so almost annihilated? Do we need MORE calamities and deaths and near destructions of our entire nation, to learn the lesson achdut!?!?!?!?
What else has to happen? How many more people, mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers, friends have to weep because their loved one, OUR brother or sister, are killed? How much more pain and suffering do we as a nation have to endure!?!?
I don’t know how to stop the conflict in Israel. I don’t know how to stop sinat chinam. I don’t know any of these answers. But I do know, that if we remember, recall and never forget, we, as a nation will find an answer. Let's make sure that each and every Jew that was murdered, for just that, being a Jew, has not died in vain. Let's make sure every Daniel, every Leiby is remembered.
Less then a year ago, the world mourned as Leiby Kletzky was found, brutally murdered and butchered. Jews as a nation and the world mourned. Jews everywhere stood together, were unified in trying to understand this travesty, in trying to bring comfort to a shocked and bereaved family. This past summer, two young boys were tragically killed as they drove home from the mountains. And just months ago, Jews around the world, regardless of affiliation, spent 25 hours standing, praying and fasting on Yom Kippur.
Yet today, I open up the news and see Jews against Jews. I see children petrified and other children being used in horrific ways. I see comparisons of Jews, by Jews, to the vile evil that were/are the Nazis. It is enough to make you sick.
It is unfortunate, but I have been told for many years that it is imperative that we don’t Judaism by its practitioners but by the religion itself. While I accept this, it any wonder that so many Jews are leaving Judaism? Is it a wonder that those of us who are sticking it out with Judasim are disillusioned? When we Jews tear ourselves apart, when we fight with each other, when we tear each other down, when we lose sight of what our life is supposed to be about, the value of God, Torah and mitzvoth, are eradicated right before our eyes.
What does it take to make us Jews remember that we are all one? What will it take to ensure we remain united, even in our disagreements? Our enemies seem to have no problem remembering that a Jew is a Jew is a Jew. When 6 million jews were murdered in Europe less than 100 years ago, there was no discrimination. When Jews were burnt on the auto de fay in the Inquisition, a Jew was a Jew. When pogroms occurred, blood libels, tach ve’tat, it did not matter! We were all Jews. When bombings go off on buses, in restaurants, in wedding halls and in dance clubs, a Jew is a Jew.
Almost 10 years ago to this day, Daniel Pearl was beheaded and it was because, as he said himself, "My name is Daniel Pearl. I am a Jewish American from Encino, California, USA. I come from, uh, on my father's side the family is Zionist. My father's Jewish, my mother's Jewish, I'm Jewish. My family follows Judaism.” His captors did not care if he was from NY or California, if he was Reform, Conservative, or Chassidic. He was a Jew. His mother was a Jew. He was Jewish. That was enough. Do we forget? Do we forget the murder of the young Israeli in Europe a few years ago? I don’t remember his name, or what country he was in. But I remember the picture of him, in his happy days, sitting on a fence. And I know that he is no longer alive. Killed because he was a Jew.
Yaakov and Eisav were given brachot, the essential foundation of our nation. The brachot said that while one nation was up, the other nation would be forced serve the other. We are pulling ourselves down, and in doing so, we are forcing ourselves to serve those who have sought to kill us in every generation, at every chance they can get.
We are told countless times in our religion, zachor, remember! And if we weren’t told to remember, then the way of the world is to remember in order to understand history, and refrain from making mistakes again. We just had Chanukah, have we forgotten so recently the destruction of what we had? Purim is so soon, have we forgotten that we as a nation were so almost annihilated? Do we need MORE calamities and deaths and near destructions of our entire nation, to learn the lesson achdut!?!?!?!?
What else has to happen? How many more people, mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers, friends have to weep because their loved one, OUR brother or sister, are killed? How much more pain and suffering do we as a nation have to endure!?!?
I don’t know how to stop the conflict in Israel. I don’t know how to stop sinat chinam. I don’t know any of these answers. But I do know, that if we remember, recall and never forget, we, as a nation will find an answer. Let's make sure that each and every Jew that was murdered, for just that, being a Jew, has not died in vain. Let's make sure every Daniel, every Leiby is remembered.
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
Unorthodox
(Hat tip: Mirie) This fundraising project on Kickstarter looks interesting:
Speaking of unorthodox, Chana sums up the YU Beacon story best: Writing a (poor) weak erotica-style piece with some confusing details about a girl's first-or-not time having sex with a guy she is-or-isn't in a serious relationship with is about attention-seeking, not about discussing an issue seriously. If they wished to discuss the issue of pre-marital sex among Orthodox people seriously, they could have done so by actually discussing it as a serious piece [much as Chana did with other aspects of the subject, as she notes]. Yes, there would still be much objection to this - a reasonable argument could be made for or against YU's school newspapers being the proper forum for such discussions - but at least it would be defensible [I should disclose that I did not think even Chana's were all necessary/appropriate, but they were at least defensible]. Oh, and in case it wasn't clear this was about attention, leaking it to national media is rather immature as well: Deal with the fallout within the context you wrote a piece, don't seek media to try and force and/or embarrass your university. Kudos to YU and its students for standing strongly against this, and it seems that the general consensus even from media was "...that was crappy writing."
And finally, singer/rapper Matisyahu shaved his beard. He's also still Orthodox, not "Un-Orthodox" (and looks really tired). So... who cares?
Unorthodox is a feature documentary that follows three teenagers from the modern Orthodox community as they spend a post-high school year studying in Israel. Tzipi, an intellectually gifted young woman, travels with intentions of clarifying her problems with Orthodox interpretations of Jewish law. Jake, a musician, wants to follow the religion but doesn’t see how he can reconcile his faith with his professional ambitions. Chaim, a half-Dominican bad-boy, undertakes his year of study without thinking about the possibilities of religious growth; he goes to Israel because tuition is paid for by his rabbis. In addition to documentary cinematography shot in the US and Israel, Tzipi, Chaim and Jake film themselves throughout the year with video diaries, offering an incredibly vivid and intimate glimpse into their lives. Narration throughout the film weaves Anna’s own story—of leaving the modern Orthodox community—with that of the three subjects, lending a very personal glimpse into the world of Orthodox Judaism.They're looking to gather many small donations to complete the project, which is most of the way there already (all filming was completed, etc.). If you're interested in seeing this, read about it and donate!
Speaking of unorthodox, Chana sums up the YU Beacon story best: Writing a (poor) weak erotica-style piece with some confusing details about a girl's first-or-not time having sex with a guy she is-or-isn't in a serious relationship with is about attention-seeking, not about discussing an issue seriously. If they wished to discuss the issue of pre-marital sex among Orthodox people seriously, they could have done so by actually discussing it as a serious piece [much as Chana did with other aspects of the subject, as she notes]. Yes, there would still be much objection to this - a reasonable argument could be made for or against YU's school newspapers being the proper forum for such discussions - but at least it would be defensible [I should disclose that I did not think even Chana's were all necessary/appropriate, but they were at least defensible]. Oh, and in case it wasn't clear this was about attention, leaking it to national media is rather immature as well: Deal with the fallout within the context you wrote a piece, don't seek media to try and force and/or embarrass your university. Kudos to YU and its students for standing strongly against this, and it seems that the general consensus even from media was "...that was crappy writing."
And finally, singer/rapper Matisyahu shaved his beard. He's also still Orthodox, not "Un-Orthodox" (and looks really tired). So... who cares?
Tuesday, December 06, 2011
Jewish Economics Survey - Redux
A few years back, a number of friends kept asking me questions about finances, particularly when it came to getting married. "What does it cost to live for a young couple in their first few months? First year? First three years? With a kid? In a 2-bedroom apartment vs. a 1-bedroom?" ...You get the idea.
While I would try to answer as best as I could, at the end of the day, everybody's expenses are different. I decided to try e-mailing some questions to friends, and as friends and I thought of more and more questions, it was decided to make it into a Google form. From there, it turned into a questionnaire, and finally, the Jewish Economics Survey was born. Thanks to the help of many individuals (particularly Tamar Snyder Chaitovsky) and through much discussion, the data gathered was formally presented to extremely engaging crowds, and the knowledge gained has impacted many people tremendously - including myself. For example, it was only after creating the survey that we finally took to heart how important having life insurance is. My favorite letter has always been this one:
Right when you came out with the survey, I took it. I also emailed you to say thank you for giving me the nudge to speak to my chasan. I am happy to announce that one year into our marriage, we are DEBT FREE and even have savings (two-months of salary!).
What's truly great (besides this couple) is that this was a completely side benefit of the survey, one which admittedly wasn't realized until after a number of people had already taken it. The primary purpose of the survey was to have information for people to utilize while preparing for different stages of life, whether sharing a singles apartment in Washington Heights, being a newly married couple in Baltimore, having two kids in Brooklyn, raising three teenagers in Cleveland, or surviving five tuition payments in Houston. What people have taken out of the survey for themselves has been nothing short of incredible.
It's now about to be 2012, and with some tweaks, I'd like to give the survey another go-round. A number of organizations have expressed serious interest in the survey and its potential utilities, and it would be incredible if we had the resources to do this in a more formal fashion - but first, let's see what can be done just like this. To have at least some understanding of what the cost of living is in various Orthodox communities in the country is would be fantastic; and to be able to identify just what people are struggling with most - and to what extent - is incredibly important.
The Jewish Economics Survey is completely anonymous and takes most people about 10-15 minutes to complete*. Please take the time to fill out the survey and help us all have a more clear picture of both our present and our future.
Please also pass along and share the survey with friends and family, spouses and Facebook friends at http://tinyurl.com/jeconomics. Please share any feedback you have so this can continually be improved upon, and thanks so much for your time and help!
~ Ezzie
P.S. If you have formal survey training, actuarial skills, and/or programming skills and would like to help, we would love to improve upon both the survey itself and its presentation via a dedicated website which would present information for members of the community to prepare themselves for various changes, from a move to a marriage, from a birth to a child entering high school. If you are interested, please reach out to us at jeconomics@gmail.com or myself directly at serandez@gmail.com. Thank you very much.
* If you find that it takes longer, a) please let me know! and b) it's probably good that you took it. :)
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
R' Schachter Slams Batei Dinin
In an interview with Ami published on VIN, R' Herschel Schachter slams battei dinin (Jewish courts of law). [Hat tip: Eliezer StrongBad]
There is less of a surprise in the content of the interview (sadly) than in that he so openly discussed it, particularly the issues which he finds to be the most problematic (including to'ainim, people choosing and paying off their own judges, and the like). He offers a number of small suggestions that would help improve things, but overall he seems to feel that it depends on the people and their intent coming into beis din. If they have no interest in yashrus or justice then it is very difficult for a beis din to be formed properly and to mete out justice appropriately.
The most telling quotes:
There is less of a surprise in the content of the interview (sadly) than in that he so openly discussed it, particularly the issues which he finds to be the most problematic (including to'ainim, people choosing and paying off their own judges, and the like). He offers a number of small suggestions that would help improve things, but overall he seems to feel that it depends on the people and their intent coming into beis din. If they have no interest in yashrus or justice then it is very difficult for a beis din to be formed properly and to mete out justice appropriately.
The most telling quotes:
Q: Would you call then the problem in the bais din system a crisis? A: It’s worse than a crisis. They tell me that there is a prominent talmid chacham in Flatbush who tells his baalei battim to go to a secular court because they stand a better chance of yoshor [justice] in a goyishe [non-Jewish] court than in a din Torah. If you ask him, he’ll deny it, but that’s what he tells people. Unfortunately, I think that the comment about yoshor is true.
Q: How do we bring public awareness to these problems? A: Rabbonim should speak about it. Why is there so much cheating in business? Rabbonim should get up once a year in shuls and speak about Lo sigzol, that you’re not allowed to cheat in business, and that you’re not allowed to cheat on your income tax. If you talk about it long enough it will have an effect on some of the baal habattim. Rabbonim have certain topics that they talk about in hashkafa. Let them give chizuk about gezel.
Q: Could there be a watchdog group, with rabbanim getting together to examine how the batei din are behaving? A: It’s a safek sakana [possible danger] for the watchdog group; they’re going to be killed.
Tuesday, October 04, 2011
Klal Perspectives
Readers of this blog will most likely be very interested in a new publication that has sprung into existence with a strong initial entry, Klal Perspectives:
In particular, it is heartwarming and comforting to see that this will not be a publication dedicated to either sugarcoating the problems we face as a community nor bashing individuals, organizations, or groups - nor is it unafraid to look at new approaches and to correct accepted assumptions and approaches which may no longer work as they once did (if they ever did at all). In short, it is genuinely and properly dedicated to solving real problems for the long-term rather than complaining about the ones we currently face.
One especially excellent essay is by Moishe Bane, on the Unintended Consequences of Compelling Strategies. He discusses briefly but thoroughly as examples three "representative topics" which are worthy of being addressed, including:
I wish the journal much success and look forward to its future, and suggest readers sign up to receive their quarterly journals. I believe it can have a strong positive impact on the Jewish Community's future, both in the short-term and especially in the long-term.
Klal Perspectives’s goal is to provide the Torah community with a forum to address and debate the major issues confronting the community today. We envision a quarterly journal in which a diverse group of rabbinic and lay leaders will share their varying perspectives on a given topic in each issue, with an eye to not only describing problems but also pointing to possible solutions. Input from the broader community will be sought and published as well, in order to broaden the discussion and enlist as many talents as possible in developing strategies for the future.The mixture of people they've enlisted on this first issue is rather impressive, particularly considering the difficulty in drawing submissions for a first-time publication such as this (as the editor noted to me via e-mail). The journal wisely asked three questions to the writers, and let them decide where to go from there. I've had a chance to read a couple of the pieces so far, and they were fantastic.
In particular, it is heartwarming and comforting to see that this will not be a publication dedicated to either sugarcoating the problems we face as a community nor bashing individuals, organizations, or groups - nor is it unafraid to look at new approaches and to correct accepted assumptions and approaches which may no longer work as they once did (if they ever did at all). In short, it is genuinely and properly dedicated to solving real problems for the long-term rather than complaining about the ones we currently face.
One especially excellent essay is by Moishe Bane, on the Unintended Consequences of Compelling Strategies. He discusses briefly but thoroughly as examples three "representative topics" which are worthy of being addressed, including:
- The Decline of Fatherhood - the increasing lack of fathers taking a major role in the education of and involvement with their children's lives and education
- The Consequences of Isolationism - and how attention should be paid to "the impact that has had on both the broader Jewish community and on the frum community itself".
- Communal Infrastructure - my personal favorite.
A choice quote:
Attendant with the expansion of the population and its affluence, local educational and service organizations have blossomed – but without coordination or objective consideration of communal priorities or implications. At the forefront of communal failures has been the virtual absence of even the effort to engage in deliberate, long-term planning, except in extremely select, localized instances. Despite the increased sophistication and affluence of the Torah community, communal decisions are made incidentally and with virtually no accumulation of data or infrastructure expertise. At the same time, the community confronts increasingly complex and serious social and educational challenges – challenges which are expected to grow.The ability to recognize these issues and how they must be analyzed will be key to solving these issues, and the new journal seems dedicated to doing so, and doing so properly. In the original questions, the journal takes for granted that there simply is a large lack of empirical data to go on from which to design the future, and asks what data needs to be gathered to be successful. This is absolutely the proper approach, as data is the backbone to understanding what exists, what is real and what is perceived, and what is realistic as we try to move forward as a klal.
Similarly, the community fails to engage, or even encourage, efforts at evaluating community priorities or eliminating duplication and inefficiency. Institutional transparency and economic and programmatic accountability remain elusive, as even active and influential philanthropists decline to impose such basic expectations on the beneficiaries of their largess.
I wish the journal much success and look forward to its future, and suggest readers sign up to receive their quarterly journals. I believe it can have a strong positive impact on the Jewish Community's future, both in the short-term and especially in the long-term.
Sunday, October 02, 2011
Day To Disconnect
I have been wanting to post about this for a while. The video says it all, perfectly:
I think we so often think that we need to be accessible, or accessing, at all times - always connected. (Myself included, if not especially so.) One especially wise aspect of this campaign is that it was scheduled for today, Tzom Gedalya - immediately following a '3-day Yom Tov'. Yes - I had 92 e-mails when I got my phone and computer on. But I didn't turn my phone on for about an hour and a half after Shabbos... and the world didn't end. In fact, it hadn't ended the entire 74 hours my phone was off, or while my computer was off. I didn't even miss anything I really "needed" to see or learn that couldn't wait until I read about it later... and I'm a Red Sox hater as much as anyone who is sick of Boston sports teams.
I know that today is Tzom Gedalya, which means we're not going to be out and about. I know it's a Sunday, which means I will be wanting to watch and follow and track anything NFL-related, particularly the two pools I'm in and the two fantasy teams I manage. But I think this is a brilliant project, so I'm going to give it a real shot: 3 hours. I'm going to tough but fair and honest with myself: 3 real hours, but ones where I think I can "handle" being disconnected: 10-11am; 12-1pm; and 6:45-7:45pm. For those who understand, that's a morning hour but before the injury reports and the like are finalized; the hour where my pool picks are locked, but before the games start; and the hour as the fast is finishing and then finishes.
The site says its quest is to get 1,000,000 hours of disconnection. Join me.
For those interested, here is other (equally professional and quite good) video from the site:
I think we so often think that we need to be accessible, or accessing, at all times - always connected. (Myself included, if not especially so.) One especially wise aspect of this campaign is that it was scheduled for today, Tzom Gedalya - immediately following a '3-day Yom Tov'. Yes - I had 92 e-mails when I got my phone and computer on. But I didn't turn my phone on for about an hour and a half after Shabbos... and the world didn't end. In fact, it hadn't ended the entire 74 hours my phone was off, or while my computer was off. I didn't even miss anything I really "needed" to see or learn that couldn't wait until I read about it later... and I'm a Red Sox hater as much as anyone who is sick of Boston sports teams.
I know that today is Tzom Gedalya, which means we're not going to be out and about. I know it's a Sunday, which means I will be wanting to watch and follow and track anything NFL-related, particularly the two pools I'm in and the two fantasy teams I manage. But I think this is a brilliant project, so I'm going to give it a real shot: 3 hours. I'm going to tough but fair and honest with myself: 3 real hours, but ones where I think I can "handle" being disconnected: 10-11am; 12-1pm; and 6:45-7:45pm. For those who understand, that's a morning hour but before the injury reports and the like are finalized; the hour where my pool picks are locked, but before the games start; and the hour as the fast is finishing and then finishes.
The site says its quest is to get 1,000,000 hours of disconnection. Join me.
For those interested, here is other (equally professional and quite good) video from the site:
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
Reshaping By Ones
Lifehacker recently linked to an interesting piece in Psychology Today which essentially discusses how people are wired to care more about individuals than groups, or as they put it, "Why Millions Can Die and We Won't Care." It's all rather interesting if somewhat unsurprising, but the examples they gave made me wonder why more charities (particularly tzedakos and/or schools) don't utilize this information to their advantage:
Fascinating, right? Moreover:
But more importantly, individual stories are always stronger. When schools focus on one individual story and why they need support to help that child's dream, it has a stronger impact on donors. Recently I found that even bringing the numbers down from an overall support to a specific support was incredibly effective. I am on the Alumni Board at Lander College, and we did a scholarship drive during the summer to help financially strapped students for this coming school year. Just upon hearing the individualized impact the prior year's small donations had been able to have made encouraged everyone on the Board to donate more themselves, and it was a really strong pitch to other alumni. As soon as I (and others) would mention how a dozen or so students had been able to more easily afford their tuition, people would suddenly be far more interested in offering their support. It seems clear that being able to directly associate giving with a recipient, and therefore feeling that one has made a (more) significant impact, helps encourage greater levels of charity.
It would seem a reasonable idea for Jewish schools (and charities) to attempt such pitches, whether focusing on individual children who need financial assistance, or by idealizing the education of a class through the persona of a single student, and how giving support will help that child succeed. It will not solve the current crisis, but perhaps it can lessen its impact just a bit.
In [a] study people were paid to participate in an unrelated psychological quiz, and on the way out they were given the opportunity to donate up to $5.00 of their earnings to Save The Children. They were given three options:
- They could donate to help Rokia, a 7 year-old Malian girl. The subjects were shown a picture of Rokia. They were willing to give $2.25.
- They could donate to help the hundreds of thousands of children in eastern Africa who were starving. They were willing to give only $1.15.
- The third option was to help Rokia specifically, but along with this request subjects were also given the statistics about the other starving east African kids. The same people who were willing to give $2.25 when it was just for Rokia, were only willing to give $1.40 when the request to help Rokia included information about the larger statistics!
Fascinating, right? Moreover:
Other studies showed similar results. For example, people would donate $11 to save one child but only $5 to save eight. The same goes for single events—like a tsunami—versus an ongoing event—like starving children.One of the first thoughts that came to mind was the approach some schools have, where they basically require parents to either give or fundraise on behalf of the school ("give or get"). This is (perhaps accidentally) rather smart and effective: Firstly, it splits the burden up among hundreds of people, with a much greater net reach. But more specifically, the givers will identify their charity with the child of those parents who are asking for the funds, and this may make them more willing to give more money.
But more importantly, individual stories are always stronger. When schools focus on one individual story and why they need support to help that child's dream, it has a stronger impact on donors. Recently I found that even bringing the numbers down from an overall support to a specific support was incredibly effective. I am on the Alumni Board at Lander College, and we did a scholarship drive during the summer to help financially strapped students for this coming school year. Just upon hearing the individualized impact the prior year's small donations had been able to have made encouraged everyone on the Board to donate more themselves, and it was a really strong pitch to other alumni. As soon as I (and others) would mention how a dozen or so students had been able to more easily afford their tuition, people would suddenly be far more interested in offering their support. It seems clear that being able to directly associate giving with a recipient, and therefore feeling that one has made a (more) significant impact, helps encourage greater levels of charity.
It would seem a reasonable idea for Jewish schools (and charities) to attempt such pitches, whether focusing on individual children who need financial assistance, or by idealizing the education of a class through the persona of a single student, and how giving support will help that child succeed. It will not solve the current crisis, but perhaps it can lessen its impact just a bit.
Tuesday, August 02, 2011
Hush Author Unveils
In a rather brave and well-written piece on the Huffington Post, Hush author "Eishes Chayil" has revealed her identity as Judy Brown. (Interestingly, someone outed her on Frum Satire months back though it seems to have been the only prior mention.)
In her piece:
In her piece:
I accidentally learned what the words molestation and rape meant at age 23, after telling a therapist I met about something I had witnessed happening to a friend when we were children. Suddenly I realized I had been talking to strangers all my life. After I started meeting with victims and speaking with therapists, I began to encounter the community's wall of denial. These are things Jews don't do, I was told. It was easy to say it was all a lie or just faulty memories of childhood.
When I first tried to write about abuse in our community, to use the words needed to describe what was happening to so many children, I was firmly told not to.
Some subjects are better left in silence, the rabbis said. Orthodox Jews did not need such words. Those were words for gentiles. We had built walls and had built them high; the outside world could never enter. But as the walls grew higher and wider, we forgot look inside, to see that the most dangerous enemy always grows from within.
The abusers, trusted men wearing traditional garb, had not killed their victims, after all. But they did not need to. Some victims, driven to despair by years of enforced silence and secret shame, killed themselves.
"What will it take for them to listen?" one young man, a victim of horrific abuse, once asked me. "What will it take for them to finally realize what they're doing to their own children?"
It took something unspeakable, something none of us even knew could happen: a murder so brutal, so uncomprehending, we still wake up each morning wondering that life dares go on. What do we teach our children now? How had our walls failed to protect us?
But things haven't come to this. They have always been like this because of that misplaced blind trust. Perhaps now it is time to see it, to crack wide open the secret box of words and give them to our children as weapons, as a promise that they will always know what is happening to them, and be able to describe it so they can ask for help. A world without words is not a safe and warm place; it is a dangerous one, where children become mute victims of torture.
Six months after my book, "Hush," came out, my publisher and I began receiving threats in the mail intended to intimidate us for daring to expose these unspeakable truths about my beloved community. The message was clear: I had violated the rule that said victims must protect the community from their own crimes. Now, I would pay.
For too long we have tiptoed around our flaws with fear and caution, pushing them into the shadows in hopes they will disappear. For too long, victims have been made to be the villains, and abuse was called loshon harah, evil talk. For too long, we have refused to honestly discuss the horrific possibilities, and in doing so allowed our children to fall victim to them. And for too long, I have allowed my own fear to make me part of a wall of silence -- guilty for what I had seen, guilty for what I had written.
I refuse to continue to allow that fear to force me into hiding over a book that should have been written long ago. I no longer want to be known only as Eishes Chayil when my name is Judy Brown. I must find the courage to stand with the victims who carry the burden of our silence for the rest of their lives.
I originally wrote my book under a pseudonym to protect my family and friends from community retribution, but so far we have only hurt ourselves. Maybe now, because of Leiby's tragedy, things will change. Maybe now, we will finally teach our children what we should have taught them years ago: morality has no garb.
Children have always gotten hurt in our world -- sometimes quickly, walking home from school, sometimes slowly, piece by piece, over years of abuse and terror. Perhaps we live in a world that is black and white, perhaps we want to keep it that way, but we must at least know that there is still a whole lot of gray in it, strangers live among friends and that such words, after all, are very complicated to define.
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