source:Orthonomics
Below is a recent Letter to the Editor from the Yated. Apparently this one comes on the heels of others written by wives, likewise complaining of support coming "with strings attached". (I have not seen the other letters and so cannot speak to the extent of the "strings" being employed; there may very well have been legitimate points. However, it still speaks to a state of mind.)
QUIZZED BY THE SHVERSome thoughts:
Dear Editor,
Why do I have to feel like I am being farhered every time I go to my shver’s house in Brooklyn? I understand that he gives us money each month and we appreciate that very much. But does that mean that I have to be subject to questions about what I’m learning and pressured to say vertlach on the parsha every time we visit? My in-laws are very nice people. They shower my wife, 5 children and me with gifts, they bought us a car, among other things, and graciously give us a monthly check to keep us afloat. Is that the reason that my father-in-law feels compelled to quiz me every time I come to his house?
I mentioned this issue to a friend of mine who said that he experiences the same exact thing. This friend encouraged me to write this letter to the Yated. Actually, he’s pushed me for months to write something, but I never got around to it. Perhaps there is a father-in-law out there who can explain it to us. Why do you have to bombard us with your questions on our limudim and with your vertlach on this inyan or that inyan? It is not that we aren’t interested. It is just that we somehow are made to feel that we have to constantly be ready for our next “exam” when we meet you. (This is surely not as bad as a different friend’s shver who actually makes him fax a shtickel Torah to him once a month. This friend lives in Yerushalayim, while his father-in-law lives in New York.) There are other issues about in-laws that my friend wanted me to share, but for now I think this one will suffice.
Answers, anyone?
Two Friends
C. R. & M. F.
Lakewood,
N.J.
--Nice. I'm not sure what C.R. stands for, but can make a pretty good guess as to what M.F. represents.
--Imagine how put out they would feel if they knew (or actually believed) that a percentage of their Schar Limud (Merit for Learning) was going to that very same Father-in-Law.
--One wonders how slow these young men, who for goodness sake just want to be left alone, would be to question the business acumen of said Fathers-in-Law if the dollars coming their way lessened.
--"It is not that we aren’t interested."; the ironclad rule in sports is that as soon as somebody says "it's not about the money", you can be 100% sure of one thing...it's about the money. Do with that what you will.
As for answers, here are two:
To quote that great orator, Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson...Know your role and shut your damn mouth.
OR
In the words of Livia "Grandma" Soprano...Oh, poor you!
I agree with your assessment of MF.
ReplyDeleteMaybe the FIL just wants to take advantage of the learning that he is subsidizing. Since he (presumably) is working instead of learning full time, maybe he just wants to get some of the reflected knowledge of the shiurim he can't hear.
At any rate, I don't think that this qualifies as "strings attached" to support, I think this is a clear example of entitlement on the part of the younger man.
I firmly believe that since my parents paid for my college education, it gives them the right to ask me any questions they want about what I was learning/reading, my experiences, and sometimes even read the same books at the same time so that we could discuss them. G-d forbid you use your prodigious education to fax something ONCE A MONTH to someone who lives on a different continent.
MF? MF? Did I hear MF? (Those happen to be my initials :) )
ReplyDeleteInteresting to hear your perspective- I always like hearing the two sides of every coin.
It seems like all we Jews do is argue. :)
...but seriously, WHAT - THE - HELL!!
ReplyDelete!!!!
This letter ticks me off! (and i am not one to take yated letters to the editor seriously)
The poor FIL is just interested in his son in law, which can't be said for every in-law relationship! He is lucky to have a FIL that is that interested in him/his learning.
And a FIL that's been supporting long enough that this family has five kids... He spends his days working instead of learning so his idiot son in law can sit and learn, maybe he misses his yeshiva/kollel days and ability to learn and keep learning, and gets nachas from the son in law! Why deprive the FIL of "a shtickle torah" - faxed or over the phone??
I've personally seen FILs faces light up when their sons in law would call erev shabbos with something they learned in yeshiva that week.
It's not like the FIL can ask "how was your day at work" or ask what exactly his job entails --so instead he asks about his learning.
" Imagine how put out they would feel if they knew (or actually believed) that a percentage of their Schar Limud (Merit for Learning) was going to that very same Father-in-Law.
exactly!!!
--Nice. I'm not sure what C.R. stands for, but can make a pretty good guess as to what M.F. represents.
:snicker:
you can be 100% sure of one thing...it's about the money.
Did you notice how many times the author used the word "money"??
im stopping here, but this seriously ticks me off.....
Yeah, I had pretty much the same feelings when I read that letter.
ReplyDelete1. I understand the difficulty of "strings attached" when it comes to lifestyle choices, etc. However, as adults these couples still have the option to take it (the full package) or leave it (the full package). Yes, parents should be sensitive to their kids' personal space, but that is the parent's cheshbon.
2. SINCE WHEN IS THIS ALL ABOUT YOU?! Grow up and give your parents some nachas WITH NO STRINGS ATTACHED.
(and "This is surely not as bad as a different friend’s shver who actually makes him fax a shtickel Torah to him once a month.--?! Tzuris, he has. Tzuris.)
[/soapbox]
I don't know why I continue to read the letters to the editor. Most of them make me want to cry. And they make the editor cheiftaness in me want to stage a coup at the Yated.
:( ... until now I liked my initials....
ReplyDeleteWe read this and think young person, for the lack of maturity is stunning. But, with 5 children and being in Kollel (and assuming he didn't get married till he finished yeshiva), the guy is 30 years old or older.
ReplyDeleteHis car came from her parents, his income comes from her parents and the kollel. He's never worked.
This man has NEVER given, only received. He's not grown up. Like a child who receives without given, he is the same. And, being treated that way since birth, he's never grown up.
Nor will he until this changes.
im still mad about this letter. grrrrr.
ReplyDeletePerhaps he also should read the bracha given to Yessachar, which says that aside from learning, he's supposed to teach. The exact word is "mas oved" - servant. Even if he's not exactly a Yessachar, he does have a responsibility to give back. I think this guy is getting off rather easily. A weekly fax is probably in order.
ReplyDeleteUgh. So embarrassed and disgusted by this guy's immaturity, ingratitude and selfishness that I can't even put together a coherent comment.
ReplyDeleteEw.
ReplyDeleteAll who think we should send a slew of letters in one manilla envelope to the Yated email me.
ReplyDelete:)
Ok. We have one writer so far.
ReplyDeleteLet's go, let's go: I expect my inbox to fattern up significantly with fodder.
Annie?
Stam?
Bas Melech?
Akiva?
Bad4?
Apple?
Erachat?
G?
I'll just stand by, collect them all, nod, and say, "Listen to the wise ones..."
Erachat
ReplyDeleteErachet :P
Put up or shut up. You don't like it? Get a job!
ReplyDeleteSO NU....
ReplyDeleteHey- you can send a letter too. :)
ReplyDeleteLet's go, let's go: I expect my inbox to fattern up significantly with fodder.
ReplyDeleteeh, not so much
to the MF who wrote that letter - im sorry, but if your father in law is paying for your exsistence you should be able to prove his money is going somewhere. its becasue of him that you can afford to stay learning, so why the heck do you feel that sharing with him what your learning is so bad? most likley, hes jsut curoius and genuinly interested in what your learning, for the sake of learning something new and most likely goes to all his freinds and shares what his son in law the talmid chacham told him. and even if he is testing you to see if his money is really going to support you while you learn and not support you while your off doing who knows what, then he is still 100% entitled to see hwat his money is going to. there is NO reason you should be entitled to complain. had he not been giving you money, and you were supporting yourself then maybe you would be entitled to be annoyed, but since it is his money that is allowing you to enjoy your life of torah SHUT YOUR MOUTH AND STOP COMPLAINING, YOU INGRATE!!!!!
ReplyDeleteand thats that,