Thursday, September 02, 2010

8.4 Million New Yorkers Suddenly Realize New York City A Horrible Place To Live

Hat tip: A lot of people who e-mailed with various versions of "this made me think of you" and "I thought you'd appreciate this". Thanks, everyone - I'm flattered that people understand me so well!

What's awesome about this Onion piece on the entire NYC deserting it for greener pastures is how true everything in it really is:  (warning: really bad language; after all, it does quote lots of New Yorkers)
NEW YORK—At 4:32 p.m. Tuesday, every single resident of New York City decided to evacuate the famed metropolis, having realized it was nothing more than a massive, trash-ridden hellhole that slowly sucks the life out of every one of its inhabitants.

With audible murmurs of "This is no way to live," "What the hell am I doing here—I hate it here," and "F*** this place. F*** this horrible place," all 8.4 million citizens in each of the five boroughs packed up their belongings and told reporters they would rather blow their brains out with a shotgun than spend another waking moment in this festering cesspool of filth and scum and sadness.

According to residents, the mass exodus was triggered by a number of normal, everyday New York City events. For Erin Caldwell of Manhattan, an endlessly honking car horn sent her over the edge, causing her to go into a blind rage and scream "shut up!" at the vehicle as loud as she could until her voice went hoarse; for Danny Tremba of Queens it was being cursed at for walking too slow; and for Paul Ogden, also of Queens, it was his overreaction to somebody walking too slow.

Other incidents that prompted citizens to pick up and leave included the sight of garbage bags stacked 5 feet high on the sidewalk; the realization that being alone among millions of anonymous people is actually quite horrifying; a blaring siren that droned on and f***ing on; muddy, refuse-filled puddles that have inexplicably not dried in three years; the thought of growing into a person whose meanness and cynicism is cloaked in a kind of holier-than-thou brand of sarcasm that the rest of the world finds nauseating; and all the goddamn people.
Read the whole thing, it's brilliant. What scared me is that I agree with every single logical reasoning in the piece, and yet... I'm still stuck here. {shudder} It's a bit unbelievable... so much so, that this is a great way to announce the following: Moshe, you won.

For those unaware, about five years ago Moshe and I made a bet; the loser of the bet would take the winner to the restaurant of his choice in New York City for a nice, expensive dinner out (with Mike's Bistro being the likely choice). The bet: Would I still be in New York City in September 2010? I was *sure* there was no chance we would still be living here; Moshe was convinced that I was "just talk". This is the saddest bet I've ever lost in my life, but also possibly the funniest (and certainly the longest).

Moshe, congratulations! We'll go out when things are a bit better, be'H soon! :)


  1. Plenty of great places to live here, and your Favorite Reform Rebbetzin now works at Blum's, so I can even hook you guys up with every aluminum pan/deli container/paper plate you'll ever need :-)

  2. Take a deep breath Ezzie and keep repeating "It's gonna happen, it's gonna happen." Hopefully this time next year we'll both be putting up blog posts from OOT.

  3. I think the real irony is that I may actually end up OOT before Ezzie!

  4. I don't think it can be regarded as something meaningful. just people having come to a limit in their patience towards the outer world. What they need is a break from their routine. For instance, if one of these guys suddenly fell in love, he wouldn't think NYC is a muddy dirty place with some freaks living in.

  5. Ezzie, it's time to follow me home, little bro...we're waiting with open arms :)