In the comments to the last post, Sephardi Lady left a great, and interesting, comment:
When financial issues are addressed, the chorus is "bitachon, bitachon, bitachon."First of all, that comment sums up the last post perfectly. But more importantly for this post, as I was thinking about this comment, a troubling thought came to mind: Why is it that this is? Why are people so intent on doing every possible thing within their power - to the point of ridiculousness - when it comes to shidduchim, but when it comes to earning a living, people say "bitachon" again and again? Are some people just using bitachon as a convenient cop-out answer when they simply don't have a plan, or don't want to work?
I wish that the same chorus could be heard regarding shidduchim: have some bitachon. There is a match out there for each person, even if the person faced unusual challenges, even if the person didn't go to the "right" schools, even if the families didn't do the "right" things.
The right shidduch might not come with the "proper" yichus and the proper family. The right shidduch might not come in the right shell. The right shidduch might not come from the right money. But, ultimately, the right shidduch is the right shidduch (even if that spouse shows up late).
So, seek the help you need and (when it comes to criminal acts like molestation) remember that others need protected too, and that your good name is not the only name needing protection.
Normally, I would hesitate to ask such a question, but the shidduchim aspect shines a light right on the situation. If people truly felt that a certain level of bitachon is necessary in life, they wouldn't allow all the inanities affect how they approach shidduchim. Being a good person with proper middos who works to the best of their abilities would be more than enough, especially if one has even a small amount of bitachon.
It seems as if the bitachon people have is either lacking or misplaced.
How many marraiges have broken because the couple relied on Bitachon with no means of support when they got married, and it was the financial strain they underwent that destroyed their marriage?
ReplyDeletePoints well made...
ReplyDeleteIn fact, if everyone is lying about what they do or don't do to protect their shidduch prospects then isn't everyone victim to misrepresentation and then no one wins?! Doesn't make much sense to me...
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ReplyDeleteHeh.
ReplyDeleteMy husband and his family knew all about my family, and he married me anyway, LOL. No money, no yichus, a 'shidduch' made by a mutual goyishe friend!
No one, on either side, was religious. But snce we've slowly but surely worked more and more Yiddishkeit into our lives over the years, the ILs are furious!
Bitachon, Bitachon, Bitachon!!! Surely we had the same shadchan as Adam and Chava. :)
DAG - How sad but true.
ReplyDeleteJH - That's part of what I was saying in the previous post. Forget the fact that hiding the information protects a molester, hurts the victim by not allowing him/her to get treatment, that it's deceitful, and that other people might get hurt. It doesn't even help achieve what it's supposed to, which is a happy, healthy marriage!
Chana - LOL. Exactly!
Good question. This is the one question on chareidim that I don't have any cynical answers to. It just doesn't make sense. If anyone comes up with an answer even if it paints chareidim in a really bad light, I'd like to hear it. My E-mail is on my blogger profile.
ReplyDeleteIts like that line, i wouldn't want to marry anyone that would want to marry me
ReplyDeleteDAG - Youre probably reffering to the Groucho Marx line "I wouldn't want to join any club that would have me as a member."
ReplyDeleteThe problem is that there is a fine line between bitachon and emuna. Emuna is proactive. If you have faith that Hashem will provide parnassah, then you have to act on that an pursue employment.
ReplyDeleteShiduchim are bashert, but you can push your bashert away.
ReplyDeleteOne way of doing it is by being overly picky; another one is by sullying your name for e.g..
You can only do so much hishtadlus and the rest is in His hands.
ReplyDeleteInterestingly enough someone recently said to me that all shiddchim are bashert but had I listened to her advice I would be married.
I think that clearly sums up the confusion that so many people have between hishtadlus and emuna.
It is a difficult balance but ultimately G-d runs it all.
Simple answer: The yeshivish world is taught that bitachon in parnasah issues means sutting and learning. So all the kollel guys have all the bitachon they need.
ReplyDeleteIt reminds me of the joke (which these days isn't as funny, because it's too often true) where a man is meeting his prospective father-in-law. The pFIL asks him a number of questions:
ReplyDelete"What do you do?"
"I learn in yeshiva."
"How will you pay for rent, for food?"
"G-d will provide."
"How will you pay for your kids' tuitions, when you have them?"
"G-d will provide."
"Are you ever planning on getting a job so you can support your family?"
"G-d will provide."
Afterwards, the pFIL talks with his wife about the meeting.
"Well, the bad news is, he has no job and no plans on getting one in the future. The good news is, he thinks I'm G-d!"
Since noone else is going to say it, I guess I will.
ReplyDeleteThe simplest answer to your question is that sex is more important than money. I don't think I really have to elaborate. But why do you think prostitution is the oldest profession?
Josh - I'm not trying to paint anyone in a bad light, I'm just wondering why people aren't consistent.
ReplyDeleteDAG - Kind of, though I've heard that from people across the spectrum.
Rea - You've been watching too many Marx films. :)
Neil - Well put.
Pragmatician - Picky, yes. I don't think that doing the proper thing will sully anyone's name. If people don't want to marry someone because of it, you probably don't want to marry them either.
ExSemGirl - Exactly!
Jewboy - LOL. (Sad.)
Scraps - Oldie but goodie. :)
Mordy... I don't know what to say, man.
ReplyDeleteMordy-Whoa!
ReplyDeleteMordy thanks for the first answer on this thread. When I said even an answer that paints them in a bad light, I didn't mean I was looking for such an answer. I meant I'll take any answer as long as it's the truth.
ReplyDeleteAs for mordy's answer, I don't think shidduchim is about sex, I think it's about status.
Josh - I didn't think you meant that - I understood you. And I think status is closer to the right answer.
ReplyDeleteFiiiine, I'll explain!
ReplyDeleteWhen I said sex is more important than money, I was merely stating fact that the inborn drive in all of us, the ultimate motivating, subconscious (sometimes conscious) force, is the natural drive for sex. Sex has been around before money and it's vital to the worlds existence. I'm sure many men and women would agree that there are men out there that are willing to do just about anything to satisfy that inborn urge. Shidduchim leads to marriage, which leads to sex. Noone ever wants to say it outright, but why on earth would a guy in his early 20's who's sitting in yeshiva and is having a heck of time hanging out with his buddies and has got a great chevra, chavrusa and overall can lead a pretty enojyable and fulfilling single life, why would he be in such a hurry to get married? And then on the other hand, why on earth would a non-shomer negiah couple be so anxious to get married after only dating for a year? Why not date for another year and finish school or finish grad school? It's possible you might be able to further your careers first and make more money if you would get married later. And of course all these people, on the entire spectrum of orthodoxy, want companionship, and to experience different levels of giving and love and all of that other great stuff associated with wonderful relationships. But overall, the one thing that everyone cannot deny is the satisfaction of that incredible urge to do "it." So a guy sitting in yeshiva is willing to subject himself to some of the most retarded dating experiences and is willing to excuse himself from enough second seders and night seders, in order to date. And girls are willing to subject themselves to whatever it is they subject themselves, and everyone is willing to put in all this work and do all these wierd, and sometimes completely crazy things because they know that it will eventually lead to the cure of this burning ta'aveh(desire). Meanwhile, eh, money, it comes and it goes, and Daddy's got plenty of it and it grows on trees and, ya know what? What's to worry about? Why should I miss night seder or hold off on a relationship in order to ensure that I have a financially secure future? I honestly believe that just about everyone my age suffers from some form of this, and there a multitude of reasons why (many, I'm sure have to do with the sex-crazed world we live in). I'm just being as blunt and as honest about it in hopes that it will make me more concious of things too. I know I screw up in school all the time, not necessarily girl related, and I know that it's ultimately way more important in the long run than worrying about what my friends girl-friends friends think about me. But of course, which one seems to stress me out more at the end of the day? Not the school work obviously, cuz if it was, I'd probably be doing my term paper right now instead of writing this.
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