So I've been kind of depressed lately. It started with the heavy debates going on XGH's site, and now, (yesterday), I got word that my uncle's wife father died. It was all quite sudden. He was not feeling well and took some x-rays. He was told that there was some clog in his arteries and that he would need open heart surgery. From what I heard, sometime either during the surgery or after, he got a stroke and never woke up from the anesthesia. He was like this for 2 weeks. Yesterday he passed away. This really got me thinking of how life is so short and how you never know when your time is up.
When I was a in my early teens. Maybe 11 or 12, I wasn't afraid of death (as most teens aren't). I had it in my head, that most likely, Mashiach will come and everything will be fine. After all, according to some opinions the world is only supposed to last 6000 years which is only in a about 233 years to go. And since most likely I would live to be 120 years old, I had a good 50/50 shot at him coming during my lifetime. It was just not something that I was worried about. Well, I don't think like that anymore. Every since I have become a father, deaths ugly fact has become a fact to me. Sometimes, its all i think about. This is one of the reason I just refuse to fly anymore. Death is a fact. It will get me. But I don't want it to get me now. Not now. So much I want to do, and learn. But who am I to have this request. Many people younger than me have died unexpectedly. There is no reason for me to think I have plenty of years to go before thinking about death. It can happen any day now.
I guess Judaim really thought this through with the Modeh Ani. Maybe I should start saying it.
>Maybe I should start saying it.
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Funny, two of my children asked my yesterday if they were going to die. I told them that everyone dies but that Hashem wants us to concentrate on how to live, not on fear of dying.
Its funny that even at that age (5 and 6) they already can say that they don't wan't to die. I guess I now have to make sure that I do a good enough job raising them that they know what is worth living for (and by extention what is worth dying for).
Funny that in my skeptical teenage years, I feld death was immanent so I might as well enjoy the physical pleasures of life while I still can. When I matured a bit, I realized that the greatest joys in life are also the ones which come hardest. lazyness = death and only hard work in chasing wisdom allows one to appreciate life.
Modeh Ani is one of the most heartfelt prayers i have. On days when I wake up feeling positive and looking forward to accomplishing something, I thank Hashem for giving me the opportunity to live another day and hopefully get closer to Him. (And spread Kiddush Hashem so I can gain more S'char, as per your idea of life's purpose). And on those days when the sun just ain't shinin in my direction, I thank Hashem for giving me another chance to succeed and do what He knows is right, even if I may not be able to live up to His expectations that day. Try it, it's a good habit to get into.
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