Friday, August 17, 2007

The Shidduch Non-Crisis

Shoshana details why she thinks the Shidduch crisis, of which there has been much talk of recently (as always), and pretty much concludes (as I have in the past) that it's an exaggerated crisis of its own making:

...I understand the stress of a woman in her late 30's and older, with her "biological clock" ticking and worrying about whether she will be able to have a child. But for someone in her late 20's, it's not that much of an issue. And to have rude people make comments like, "Aren't you old to not be married" (yes, I have received this one) is ridiculous. I have lots I want to do in my life. One of those things is getting married, but it is not the only thing. And honestly, I am very happy that I was not married at 19 because I like the fact that I have had the opportunity to do things other than just have kids. I want a family, but I want more than that also. And there's nothing wrong with that.

So basically, I think the crisis is in thinking that everyone needs to get married off super young. There are other things in life, and every person should be encouraged to explore his or her interests and passions. A person should not solely be steered by communal pressure dictating what one "should" be doing in life. I think if more people accept that, then they will be able to view those who are single much differently. Let people get married in their own time. Let them lives their own lives. Maybe that would also alleviate the skyrocketing divorce rate. Just a thought.

Read the whole thing.


  1. I'll go read the whole thing, but I don't agree. I think there should be less pressure and I think EVERYONE including singles should travel and study and pursue hobbies, but--gee--it is easier to have children when you are in your '20's and run after them, trust me--I'm greeting 40 and I'm tired. It's also easier to be celibate if you get married in your early to mid 20's and I think celibacy is a good idea before marriage so... that said, the Shidduch system stinks, 18 is usually too young for the average girl, and the Shidduch system stinks (oh, did I say that already?) I always say that if we loaded all the wonderful, frum, single women out there in their 30's into one ballroom, it would shock the pants off everyone. In my dream, all the Rashei Yeshiva and Rabanim would be there to see it.

  2. This might be a stupid question coming ignorance, but do MO's go on shidduchim? I mean, many that I hear about just date the way I did and get married whenever. So what shidduch system are we talking about? Clearly not the charedi one wheer you go to a shadchan thatsets you up and you marry after the 2nd date.

  3. hh: what system is right. i consider myself modern Orthodox (although i don't like labels) and i have no idea what the 'system' is or is supposed to be or not be.

    how i see it as that any date set up by anyone (friend, relative, acquantance, shadchan) can be classified as a 'shidduch' date even though it's quite obviously a diff way of doing things than the charedim.

  4. why is that different from how things are done by the charedim?

  5. Much less "checking out" and waaay less discussion through other people - much more direct.

  6. There are differences and similarities here and there from chariedi to MO etc.
    Sometimes I insist that "nothing will surprise me," but then I'm shocked anew.
    Recently I heard of a couple, not the first time getting engaged on the second date, OK, I thought to myself. They'll get to know each other when planning the wedding.
    But... within weeks, he was off to 770, until a couple of days before the chupah, and the girl and parents have to hash it out alone.

  7. I agree with batya and certainly there are mo's who go on shidduch dates to think otherwise is absurd. If you don't think there is a shidduch crisis go no further than a
    shidduch function such as "sawyouatsiani". I have a friend who is heavly involved in it and he has told me that there is certainly a crisis.