...I have found that the symptoms that a child exhibits sometimes mirror what is transpiring in his/her family. Thus, your son’s temper tantrum or meltdown may be a sign that your family is going through a meltdown of sorts. Having a few young children, especially close in age to each other, can be and usually is a great deal of nachas. It is also very, very stressful. Perhaps you should consider changing routines in your lifestyle. Attending less simchos (s’machot, whatever), going out with your husband alone one evening a week when the kids are sleeping, having your husband get more hands-on with raising the kids, even having him change his night seder to a morning shiur, all of these should be explored. And, I don’t know a more delicate way to say this, but if you are feeling very overwhelmed with the raising of your children, please, please set an appointment for you and he to meet with your Rav as soon as possible to discuss your family’s situation and seek his eitzah and psak (click here) as for what is right for you at this time in your lives.I still remember a great piece of advice* in a [true?] story that I heard (thirdhand) from a rebbetzin speaking to a large group of wives of yeshiva/kollel men: [edited]
A couple had had a number of children in just a few years, and the wife felt like a shmatta (rag). She told her husband she wanted to go on birth control, but the husband responded, "I don't know if there is such a heter (permission), to go on birth control." She pushed, and he insisted on asking only R' Elyashiv in Israel. [They did not have a rav to ask.] They raised money from friends, and they flew and were able to arrange a meeting with R' Elyashiv. He explained the situation to R' Elyashiv, finishing by saying "but I don't know if there is such a heter." R' Elyashiv turned to him and responded, "Who gave you a heter to have 4 kids in 5 years!?"People need to be extremely cognizant of what they can and cannot (and perhaps should or should not) handle, and be willing to ask others for guidance, especially about such serious matters. There are those for whom having 8 children in 10-12 years works just fine; but for most people, this is not the case. Do not assume that you are "supposed" to do so or are obligated to - seek the guidance of a person who understands both you [and your spouse] and the subject at hand.
* SerandEz is not a place to get piskei halacha [rulings in Jewish law] from. Please ask your local rabbi, or find someone who can direct you to a rav who is more knowledgeable about the subject. Thank you.
This is a pretty intense topic, Ezzie! I'm curious to see what people will think, both here and on R' Horowitz's site.
ReplyDeleteAm I the only one who thinks it's crazy that the guy flew to Israel to ask the shaila? Why not use that kind of money to hire some babysitting/cleaning help for your wife?!
This is a pretty intense topic, Ezzie! I'm curious to see what people will think, both here and on R' Horowitz's site.
ReplyDeleteYeah - I wrote it pretty quickly when I was linking to his piece. Hopefully it came out right.
Am I the only one who thinks it's crazy that the guy flew to Israel to ask the shaila? Why not use that kind of money to hire some babysitting/cleaning help for your wife?!
I actually thought about mentioning that in the post - I'm really not clear on exactly what the situation was in terms of finances (though my understanding was "not great"), and perhaps it wasn't told over quite right. I really don't understand why he was insistent on R' Elyashiv, how exactly they raised the money for that ("Yeah, my wife wants to go on birth control, and I think it's assur, so I'm asking R' Elyashiv), and why they didn't pay themselves. But that's how I heard it, so...
Family size is a major contibuting factor to the problems in the frum community...no question
ReplyDeletei think the story is a nice story with a nice punch line but there is no way the story is true the way it was presented. mayb they lived n israel and the raising money and flying part is not true or mayb the whole thing is not true but there is no way the whole story is true.
ReplyDeletebeside who would donate money for someone to fly to israel to ask R Elyashiv about BC. i mean it isnt a world shaking shiala there are many competant rabbis here in america to answer such questions.
First of all, it's early so maybe I'm just missing it, but I don't see a link to the entire Rabbi Horowitz article.
ReplyDeleteSecond, I think this is a topic that many, many more people need to be discussing and considering. I know too many families who are overwhelmed with the task of raising several very young children while at the same time working, learning, and fulfilling so many social engagements that they are not being able to mentally or emotionally handle the drain. And many of them continue having more children because it's the thing to do - it's the "keeping up with the Joneses" in many ways in the frum world. Children are wonderful and bring a lot of joy to families, but they are also a huge responsibility and they deserve parents who can handle raising them and give them the attention they deserve. People need to really weigh what they can handle before rushing to have more children. There is nothing wrong with having a emotionally healthy family, even if that means it is a smaller one.
Here's my post on the subject:
ReplyDeletehttp://mominisrael.blogspot.com/2007/01/child-spacing-part-1-what-does-chinuch.html
I didn't address halachic issues, but I have even heard of rabbis telling women they should wean their babies in order to get pregnant again. This makes me ill. Fortunately many rabbis will tell women not to wean for that reason, at least not before age 2.
DAG - Yes, I've seen your posts on it... :)
ReplyDeleteTF - I kind of agree, though it is how it was presented... though I could understand some... err... misguided individuals going to extremes.
Shoshana - Argh. Thanks, I'll fix it.
And many of them continue having more children because it's the thing to do - it's the "keeping up with the Joneses" in many ways in the frum world.
I think that's the best way of putting it I've seen. Right on the money.
Great comment.
MiI - I've heard the same regarding weaning (both ways). I think that the first approach is doubly wrong - not only forcing parents to have children they may not be ready for, but pulling away what for many is a serious part of building that mother-baby bond.
MiI - And I had read your post as well... good as always. :)
ReplyDeleteI don't understand why most frum people think that birth control is a last resort, b'dieved option. Why can't young men and women be taught that nursing doesn't always work and that there is nothing wrong with exploring birth control options with a Rav. I think that most couples wait to seek that kind of advice until the 4th kid. By then, they have these 4 kids under the age of 5 and the damage has already begun to occur.
ReplyDeleteSaraK - Because that's what is ingrained into some people's heads from the time they're young. People are afraid to ask important questions [it doesn't seem "frum"], but willing to ask others that are completely inane. It's truly mind-boggling.
ReplyDeleteA friend told a story about a father whose wife gave birth to her tenth. The doctor asked whether they had heard of family planning and the father replied, "Yes, we plan on one a year."
ReplyDelete