...I can only hope that in some way my previous forays into a similiar type of commenting contributed to this (I do not mean in any way to take a position...I think they are both equally right/wrong):
See this post & Comment #52.
I am a single girl aged 21, who is still awaiting my bashert, while almost all of my friends are married.
To my friends: I happily went to all of your Simcha’s, your Lechaim’s, Vort’s, wedding’s from beginiing to end, and helped out in all your wedding preparations.
Why is it, that the minute your wedding is over, our friendship is over?? How many nights did i spend talking to you, helping you prepare all that you needed, and all i get is a slap in the face?
I understand you don’t have as much time for me as you used to, but all I’m asking is for a two minute phone call, an email, a text - just to let me know that you are thinking about me.
You had a baby 6 months ago, and I called you to wish you Mazel Tov. Did you not have the decency to invite me over for a few minutes to see your little one? I am trying to be Don Lekaf Zchus, but it is so painful. We all chipped in for a present for you, for your wedding, and when I call you to chip in for someone else, why are you always complaining?? Did we not do the same for you? Yes, I know some will argue that you are on a Kollel budget - well, we are not millionaires either, and we manage to pay the 10 dollars.
Another thing is that when I do finally get to speak to you, you are busy interrupting every minute with tidbits about the chicken you are making as you speak to me. People like to feel important, like they have your undivided attention. if you are cooking, that is not a good time to be speaking to someone else!
Last but not least: Before you got married, you were busy saying how you will “Redd” Shidduchim to me - and all the other single friends. The minute after you get married, you changed your tune. No it’s ”I don’t know, my husband doesn’t know anyone.” Do you know how painful that is for a single girl to hear? What do you mean your husband doesn’t know anyone? (And I’m talking to my friends whose husbands learn in BMG, with over 4,000 bochurim) is there not 1 boy out there for me?
Or how about when I ask you to ask your husband to push a shidduch? The response I get is either “my husband doesn’t feel comfortable”, or “my husband is shy”. What happened to everything you said before you got married - how you would help all your friends? If you weren’t planning on helping them, you shouldn’t have said anything to begin with!
I can go on and on with story’s about how inconsiderate some (I write some, because there are a FEW select friends who are not like this) friends are to their single friends.
I think i speak for many single girls out there.
A frustrated & pained girl in Shidduchim.
Aaaaand a response from the comments-
I am a married man aged 29, who is still awaiting for my bashert (my wife actually) to get off the phone, while almost all of her friends are married, they somehow always find time to talk on the phone even now with 3 kids.
To her (my wifes) friends: She happily went to all of your Simcha’s, your Lechaim’s, Vort’s, wedding’s from beginning to end, and helped out in all your wedding preparations, including grounding me for the 4-5 hours at home to watch the kids which meant calling over my Chavrusa to learn night seder at home, as well as figuring out how to change a dipper and prop a bottle, while she was attending your simchas.
The minute the wedding is over, you understand why she didn’t have time before hand to help much, and that what she actually did happily was not that easy to do.
You understand she doesn’t have as much time for her as you used to, but all I am (the husband) asking is for the 2 minute phone call, not be just when I come home from Kollel/Work.
She had a baby 6 months ago, and you called her to wish her Mazel Tov. She did have the decency to invite you over for a few minutes to see her little one, but lacked the energy to take on guests. Neither would I let her do that for the same reason. I am trying to be Don Lekaf Zchus, you as a friend just need someone to call every so often, but it is so painful, that every day it happens when my wife needs to attend to something, during supper or when she is busy with the kids. You all chipped in for a present for her, for her wedding, and when you call her to chip in for someone else, she is complaining because to run a house with rent/utilities and what not means an ever declining bank account and ever increasing Credit card bill. Yes you did pay for me. But you have got no clue what it means to live on a Kollel budget - well, you are not millionaires either, but you managed to pay the $10.00 while we didn’t.
Another thing is that when you do finally get to speak to her, you are busy interrupting her every minute while she is doing the chicken as you speak to her. People like to feel important, like they have your undivided attention, and so does that poor chicken in that pot, it needs a womans attention or else the family wont have what to eat. if she is cooking, that is not a good time to be speaking to you so you should call her when she is not cooking, not working not busy with the laundry, not busy with her husband, not busy with her kids. I guess thats only on Shabboss after age 60.
Last but not least: Before she got married, she was busy saying how she will “Redd” Shidduchim to you - and all the other single friends. The minute she got married, she changed her tune. No it’s ”I don’t know, my husband doesn’t know anyone.” I really don’t. Neither does she have the time, she would make the time if she would know where to start. But the real reason she said then that she would redd you shiduchim was because she was as immature then as you are now. Yes she knows how painful it is, but she ain’t a shadchan, she tries here and there, but it never yet worked out. When she says her husband doesn’t know anyone. It’s because I don’t. Even though I’m in BMG, with over 4,000,000 bochurim (BTW, the real number is a little over 1000, the rest are married) as far as I can see in the Bais Medrash where I sit (around 600 seats with around 150 being singles) theres not 1 boy out there for you. Here is the math, (remember most of the math is on what you said you want):
5% of those bochurim are too chassidish for you.
1% is really really chassidish (long payos).
14% you went out with and they or you said no.
20% is not that big into midos (tooo brisk or whatever).
40% are not big enough Torahdige boys for you.
So we got 30 bochurim left, I really don’t know those 30 bochurim.
And when you ask her to ask me to push a shidduch? The response you get is either “my husband doesn’t feel comfortable”, no I really don’t. Or “my husband is shy”, I am. What happened to everything she said before she got married - how she would help all your friends - is that she tries, but life takes people to unexpected turns. Grow up it will happen to you as well. If she wasn’t planning on helping you, she wouldn’t have said anything to begin with!
I can go on and on with story’s about how inconsiderate some (I write some, because there are a FEW select friends who are not like this) friends are to their married friends.
I think i speak for many married men out there.
A frustrated married husband that can’t understand why these pained girls in Shidduchim don’t understand that people can’t be there 24 hours for them like they used to before they got married.