Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Yes We Did...

...and it really wasn't all that hard to tell the truth.

For those just tuning in

:::APPLAUSE::APPLAUSE::
::KEY TAPS::KEY TAPS::
::MOUSE CLICKS::MOUSE CLICKS::

Thank you. Thank you, my friends. Thank you for coming here on this beautiful evening (this raises and interesting point – is there “time of day” in the blogosphere? Or is it more like a Vegas casino…constantly 2 o’clock in the morning?)

My friends, you have come to the end of a long journey. The American people have spoken, and they have spoken clearly…FOR ME!

A little while ago, my opponent had the honor of calling me to congratulate me…as well he should, seeing as I soundly round-housed his poor excuse for a candidacy clear across the Internet.

(BOOING)

Hey! Shut Up!!.

To congratulate me on being elected the next president of the country that we both love…but that apparently seems to love me juuust a little bit more.

In a contest as long and difficult as this campaign has been (more so for him than for me because honestly this thing was a cake walk), my success alone commands his respect for my ability and perseverance (damn skippy!). But that I managed to do so by inspiring the hopes of so many millions of Americans who had once wrongly believed that they had little at stake or little influence in the election of an American president is something he deeply admires and commends me for achieving (preach on!).

This is an historic election, and he recognizes the special significance it has for J-Blogging Americans and for the special pride that must be theirs tonight…that was, of course, after I explained to him what exactly a ‘blog’ was and walked him through this little thing called ‘the internet’.

He’s always believed that the J-Blogosphere offers opportunities to all who have the industry and will to seize it (and boy have a lot of you been doing some seizing, if 2 jews have 4 opinions then they must also have like 15 blogs). I believe that, too…and seize it I did baby!

But we both recognize that, though we have come a long way from the old injustices that once stained our nation's reputation and denied some bloggers the full blessings of J-Blogger citizenship, the memory of them still had the power to wound…although that power is directly proportional to the size of their readership so most probably there is not all that much to worry about.

What must feel like a century ago, one prominent blogger's invitation of a college student between semesters to post at their blog was taken as an outrage in many quarters…mostly yeshiva guys who counted on such invitations to fill the hours between (during) seder.

The J-Blogosphere today is a world away from the cruel and frightful bigotry of that time…instead it has gone on and embraced various other and more attention getting forms of cruelty and bigotry. There is no better evidence of this than the election of myself to the presidency of the J-Blogosphere.

Let there be no reason now for any blogger to fail to cherish their citizenship in this, the greatest sphere on the Net…that’s right I said ‘cherish’. You should all feel honored and blessed to be a part of something with the wisdom and foresight to put me in charge. (and make no mistake – if I find out you’re not actively involved in cherishing at least once a day, I have people who will find you and when they do it’s gonna be back to the stone-age of blogging for you)

I have achieved a great thing for myself and for my country. He applauds me for it (like he has a choice), and offers me his sincere sympathy that my beloved grandmother did not live to see this day (okay, that was a nice thought – I’ll give him that). Though our faith assures us she is at rest in the presence of her creator and so very proud of the good man she helped raise…that man being me, in case anybody got confused for a second.

I and he have had and argued our differences (did I forget to mention? The rules of the English language will henceforth be suspended in order to allow for references to myself to always be placed first), and I have prevailed. No doubt many of those differences remain…and annoy the heck out him, not that it matters anymore because it’s my way or the highway going forward – deal with that!

These are difficult times for our country. And he pledge to me tonight to do all in his power to help me lead us through the many challenges we face…a nice gesture I guess, not that I would even consider taking him up on it. ‘His power’…pffft.

He urges all J-Bloggers who supported him to join him in not just congratulating me (applaud you puppets, applaud!), but offering your next president your good will and earnest effort to find ways to come together to find the necessary compromises to bridge our differences and help restore our prosperity, defend our security in a dangerous world, and leave our children and grandchildren a stronger, better country than we inherited…and you WILL offer all of these things, if you don’t it will make me angry…you wouldn’t like me when I’m angry…

Whatever our differences, we are fellow J-Bloggers. And please believe him when he says no association has ever meant more to him than that…again, like he has a choice at this point – it’s all he has left to associate himself with!

It's natural, tonight, to feel some disappointment (for you I mean, not for me). But tomorrow, we must move beyond it and work together to get our country moving again…so get over it already!

You fought (kinda)— you fought as hard as you could (at least I assume you did, although I gotta admit at times you had me wondering if there was some big ‘rope-a-dope’ scheme being laid out and there was a big blind-side knockout blow coming..oh well, guess not) And though you fell short, the failure is his, not yours…(forget about him, you can still be winners. Just join me – join me. Join young Blogwalkers, come over to the Dark Side…wait, was that out loud?)

AUDIENCE: No!

Why you little...

He is so deeply grateful to all of you for the great honor of your support and for all you have done for him. He wishes the outcome had been different, my friends…alas t’wasn’t meant to be, ::shrug:: wadda ya gonna do.

The road was a difficult one from the outset (right, and Odysseus’ took a ‘difficult’ path back to Sparta), but your support and friendship never wavered (why was that exactly? Still trying to figure that out). He cannot adequately express how deeply indebted he is to you…but his accountants are doing their best and hope to have figures before the inauguration.

He’s especially grateful to his wife, Cindy, her money, his children, his dear mother, her money and all his family, and to the many old and dear friends who have stood by his side through the many ups and downs of this long campaign.

He has always been a fortunate man, and never more so for the love and encouragement you have given him…true enough.

You know, campaigns are often harder on a candidate's family than on the candidate, and that's been true in this campaign…what? You think I just hand out puppies on a whim? They have to be earned. Why in my day growing up on the hard scrabble streets of Hawaii we didn’t have puppies…sure we had endless sunshine, sandy beaches and some of the best surfing in the world – but no puppies!

All he can offer in compensation is his love and gratitude and the promise of more peaceful years ahead…at a way, good for him to go and find the silver lining.

He is also, of course, very thankful to Governor Sarah Palin, one of the best campaigners he’s ever seen (really, he needs to get out more- watch a little CNN, C-Span or something ) and an impressive new voice in your party for reform and the principles that have always been your greatest strength (blah, blah, blah I can’t even say this stuff w/ a straight face – bring it on lady, I’ll see you in 0-12) ... her husband Todd and their five beautiful children for their tireless dedication to your cause, and the courage and grace they showed in the rough and tumble of a presidential campaign (enjoy the great white north kiddies – NO WHITE HOUSE FOR YOU!, or naval observatory or whatever)

We can all look forward with great interest to her future service to Alaska, the Republican Party and our country…okay, maybe just two out of three.

He doesn’t know what more he could have done to try to win this election (really, it’s true, he doesn’t! can you believe that?!). He'll leave that to others to determine (yeah, you do that – great campaign strategy, wait until AFTER to figure out what you can do better). Every candidate makes mistakes (clearly), and he’s sure he made his share of them (duh). But he won't spend a moment of the future regretting what might have been (okey dokey, whatever works for ya).

This campaign was and will remain the great honor of his life, and his heart is filled with nothing but gratitude for the experience and to the J-Blogging public for giving him a fair hearing before deciding that I and my running mate (me, in case you’ve forgotten) should have the honor of leading us for the next four years.

(BOOING)

Hey! I said shut-up!...don’t make me send The Wolf out there 'cause I’ll do it!

(SILENCE)

That’s better…

He would not be a J-Blogger worthy of the name should he regret a fate that has allowed him the extraordinary privilege of serving this medium for a half a decade…only to be cast aside and passed over for the likes of me.

Today, he was a candidate for the highest office in the sphere he loves so much. And tonight, he remains my –I mean her servant. That is blessing enough for anyone, and he thanks the people of the J-Blogosphere for it.

AUDIENCE: UJA. UJA. UJA. UJA.

Tonight, more than any night, he holds in his heart nothing but love for this sphere and for all its citizens, whether they supported him or me — whether they supported him or me…I on the other hand…

He wishes Godspeed to the man who was his former opponent and will be his president…me again. And he calls on all J-Bloggers, as he has often in this campaign, to not despair of our present difficulties, but to believe, always, in the promise and greatness of J-Blogging, because nothing is inevitable here…except for DoveBear’s politics, XGH’s retirements, Ezzie’s economic beliefs, Gil’s attempt to remain above the fray and of course the inevitability of my victory.

J-Bloggers never quit. They never surrender…they just take extended breaks from time to time due to either burnout, annoyance with the whole medium or because they are getting engaged or getting married.

We never hide from history. We make history…history dammit, history!

Thank you, and God bless you, and God bless the J-Blogosphere. Thank you all very much...

...woah! I almost forgot the most important part. In the words of one who's true genius and contributions to society go unappreciated in his own time - one Stewart G. Griffin..."VICTORY IS MINE!!!"

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