Friday, January 04, 2008

Cut The Pickle

Give me a five! [Smack!]
Up high! [Jump!]
Down low... [Reach down...]
On the side - [Backhand - ]
Cut the pickle! [Slice!]
TICKLE TICKLE!!! [laughter]

~ Classic children's game
I'm curious - if you have a pickle, how do you like it cut? Do you like it whole? In halves? Quarters? Slices? Does it depend on the pickle?

Personally, I'm a quartered pickle guy. Yesterday, this was a big problem. I went with iPay to Mendy's underneath where we work, and along with my soup-and-half-a-sandwich, they gave me a pickle, sliced.

Into halves.

Now, ordinarily, this wouldn't be such an issue - I'd get a knife, slice it into quarters, and that would be it. But we had a problem. The knives are all the way by the door... and we were sitting on the table all the way on the other end in the corner. And Mendy's was PACKED. (It was bad enough I had to sit with my back to a lot of people...! Stupid iPay.) So now there were issues going up against one another: Eating pickles that are in halves (what iPay called "neurotic") vs. getting up and walking to get a knife and coming back (what iPay called "OMG you're SO lazy!").

We were sitting and talking for a few minutes while she finished her food, and I sat there staring at my pickle every once in a while debating. iPay would say things like "Just EAT it already!" and "You're crazy", which were eminently helpful. Meanwhile, I made sure to keep the pickle perfectly together so it would be easy to slice it should I decide to get a knife. Finally, after a number of minutes of debating in my head, I made a decision.

I took a bite.

iPay looked at me in near shock, though I don't think she noticed that I still made sure not to eat the final bite on either half (the bottom of the pickle, way worse when eating a half!). I'm not sure what troubled her more - that I had the dilemma to begin with, or that I wouldn't get up to get a knife As I finally explained:
"Today, my laziness had a long, rough battle with my neuroticism*. My laziness won."
It's a short, busy Friday to cap a short, busy week. Have a wonderful Shabbos, everybody.

* - I know it's neuroses. But neuroticism sounds so much cooler.


  1. HAHAHAHA. I knew it would!

    Have a great Shabbos.

  2. The real question is - did the pickle taste different because it was cut in half instead of quarters? Will you eat a halved pickle ever again?

  3. Fiji would have just hired someone to cut the pickle.

  4. laziness had a long, rough battle with my neuroticism*. My laziness won.

    Funny thing about laziness, you'd think that at some point it would just give up. And yet...

  5. Oh. My. G-d.

    iPay - how do you do it?

  6. I can't help but wonder, why Ezzie did your lunch companion not get up and retrieve a knife for you?
    **ducks and covers**

  7. G- nice try. This was probably the first time is didn't get ezzie his knife/napkin/fork/sugar/FOOD or whatever else he may be too lazy to get himself!

    Apple - I have nooooooo idea.
    And ezzie calls me crazy?!?!

  8. Tsk. I bet you didn't tell people about this mental problem while dating. :-P

  9. This was probably the first time is didn't get ezzie his knife/napkin/fork/sugar/FOOD or whatever else he may be too lazy to get himself!
    Good thing some of us don't need to fend for ourselves in the wild.

    Where some see lazy, I see economy of movement .

  10. americans and their weird obsessions... seriously.


  11. "laziness vs. neuroticism*"

    wow. describes me exactly.

  12. Ezzie, I'm impressed that you could write a whole post about a pickle :)

  13. Similar to the fortune cookie I got earlier this year: "Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now."

  14. ez you lazy? oh one more thing- now that you are in bed- can you shut off the lights?

  15. to answer your original question, i like my pickles whole or sliced into rounds. i severely dislike halved pickles, and even more severely dislike quartered pickles.
    (maybe has something to do with the rationing my father would do with pickles when i was a kid. you only got 2 quarters on shabbos if you went to shul. gosh. most ppl use candy, but no... in my house, we're bribed with pickles. quartered pickles. ugh.)
    also, i like half-sours.
    and if i'm in the mood, kosher dills or israeli canned pickles. b'melach.
    just NOT full sours. icksa.
    i applaud your neuroticism, and i'm quite disappointed that it lost to that dumb ol lazy side of you. shame, shame.