Why does everyone think that everything has to be perfect all the time?Pobody's Nerfect actually addressed why people don't need to be perfect very nicely a few months ago in Pobody Needs to be Nerfect*, but why does this perception exist in the first place? Why is it that people have unrealistic expectations, that they must consistently point to small imperfections and therefore throw out the whole thing... while there are certainly times and places where near-perfection is necessary, that is rarely the case, particularly in terms of people, happiness, fulfillment, and the like. So again... why?
* and was nominated for a JIB for it - go vote! She's also nominated for her Metamorphosis post, so feel free to vote for her there as well.
Interesting thing. A friend once told me that when she realized that you could love someone who wasn't perfect, it came as a complete shock.
ReplyDeleteI know there are parents who see a 97 on their kids' test and ask "who took the other three points?" as if success isn't enough - only perfection is enough.
The thing is - this obsession with perfection... the only 'thing' that's perfect is G-d. Humans can't be perfect. One is overweight, one is underweight, one angers too easily, another isn't assertive enough... there's no such thing as perfection in humans.
My mom is a family therapist. She used to keep a picture of the five of us (my sister, my three brothers, and I) on her wall. When a parent would say "my child's a mess," she'd point to the picture and ask "which is the cutest child?" Invariably, they'd point to my youngest brother (approximately 8 in the picture), and my mom would ask what was appealing about him... his shirt was untucked and one of the buttons was unbuttoned, his pants were wrinkled, one sock was up and the other was down...etc.
Yet he was still lovable! (and he wasn't the youngest. I was two in that picture...) Why? Because he was someone who wasn't perfect. He was someone who could maybe use a helping hand. He was someone who was fully human. (the incredible green eyes, long eyelashes, and blond hair probably helped...)
The point is, though, that he was even more lovable because of his foibles...
Which is not to say, for example, that the best way to pick up a good shidduch is to show up looking like a completely slob... but if you fall, you shouldn't feel like "oh no, now s/he knows I'm a complete klutz and will never marry me..."
It's much better to express a little frustration at being down on the ground, dust yourself off, and move on. The person will probably think you're pretty cool that you can deal with the curves life throws you... and if s/he doesn't, read the top of Ser and Ez's blog.
Great comment, triLcat. Imperfect is sometimes exactly what makes us human.
ReplyDeleteWhy?
ReplyDeleteWell, to put it in different terms...
"The point is, ladies and gentleman, that greed, for lack of a better word, is good. Greed is right, greed works. Greed clarifies, cuts through, and captures the essence of the evolutionary spirit. Greed, in all of its forms; greed for life, for money, for love, knowledge has marked the upward surge of mankind."
Ultimately, everything is binary. The alternative to striving for/insisting on perfection is a complete lack of desire for that which is good, which is no better, if not worse from a survivalist standpoint. The key is to develop the maturity needed to create the psychological niche in between the two extrema.
ReplyDeleteTrilcat - Great comment. Perfectly put.
ReplyDeleteJA - Amen.
G - That's true to some extent... but progress is not made when people throw out anything that is not perfect. It's by building on and working on the imperfections that we make everything surge upward.
JoshM - That's also true to some extent, but I think there's a middle ground as well: Striving for improvement. I think that we strive TOWARDS perfection, not FOR perfection. The difference is... well, what makes a difference.
- That's also true to some extent, but I think there's a middle ground as well: Striving for improvement.
ReplyDeleteThat's the ideal, but it's very easy to veer towards one extreme or the other, as for any other middah.
R' Micha Berger has a related post on this topic at Aspaqlaria.
This might be totally off, but maybe if you consider Darwin's whole theory of survival of the fittest, it might bring slight understanding. I mean, why does capitalism work but communism doesn't? People need competition, they thrive when they're forced to compete, to be better. I think that's why so many people feel the need to be perfect. If they are perfect, no one can be better than them. They are The Best. In a sense, they win the competition of life. And even if they don't need to be perfect, they need to be better than whoever's in first place. They need to be the best.
ReplyDeleteThis might make it difficult for some people to accept that they are not, in fact, perfect, because it is impossible to attain true perfection. They can only be the best their potential allows them to be and if this is not good enough for them, they get frustrated, upset, etc. And perhaps that's when jealously begins. If one person's best is not quite as good as another person's best. People constantly judge each other based on everyone else, not based on themselves. It is only natural to do that, though. It's very hard to focus on being all you can be instead of worrying about being better than everyone else.
JoshM - Yet another reason to keep balance! :)
ReplyDeleteErachet - Excellent comment. To some extent, that's what G was hinting to in his comment.
I love your last line.