Last week, my eldest daughter called me from Israel, where she is studying for a year in seminary, crying and terribly distraught. A girl she was friendly with from another seminary had died of anorexia. She was 17 years old.Read the whole thing.
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The religious seminaries in Israel and the United States are filled with girls who are obsessively self-conscious about their looks. They know that as they approach marriageable age the famous teaching of the Eishet Hayil (Woman of Valor) prayer, written by King Solomon, that "charm is deceptive and beauty is naught; a God-fearing woman is the one to be praised," has been utterly rejected by the yeshiva students of our time, as they preoccupy themselves primarily with a young woman's looks, just as much any secular guy.
Thursday, November 02, 2006
Speaking of EDs...
Chana pointed me to this excellent article, as it relates closely to what is being discussed below. Excerpt:
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That is incredibly scary.
ReplyDeleteThat's awful.
ReplyDeleteI agree you can't blame the guys -- IANAP, but anorexia isn't caused by wanting to attract men.
Sheva - Wow. And often, it does come from the parents, friends, and even teachers.
ReplyDeleteJA - IANAP? I am not a professional?
I usually take issue with R. Shmuely Boteach, but I think he is right on here.
ReplyDeleteThe tremendous emphasis on looks for shidduchim is certainly harmful. But, I have to wonder if the lack of venues for sports and other physical activities contributes to the rise in eating disorders also (not that there aren't anorexic girls who play soccer or basketball-there are), since there does seem to be a correlation between sports and healthy self-image amongst females in the US.
A friend of mine who teaches in the a school tells me the girls talk openly about their eating issues. I find this shocking and just can't relate. I just find it hard to understand this phenomena as the world just continues to change so much.
Sorry for my disjointed thoughts.
I usually take issue with R. Shmuely Boteach, but I think he is right on here.
ReplyDeleteJoin the club. :)
But, I have to wonder if the lack of venues for sports and other physical activities contributes to the rise in eating disorders also (not that there aren't anorexic girls who play soccer or basketball-there are), since there does seem to be a correlation between sports and healthy self-image amongst females in the US.
I would hesitate to say it's any one thing such as sports, but the idea of there not being healthy self-image in general could be attributed to the pressure of misguided tznius ideals. It seems to me that whenever a girl is 'good' at something and would like to showcase that talent or gift, people say "it's not tznius!" and kind of shunt the girl away. This happens with looks - if a girl looks good, even if she is following halacha perfectly, people seem to get the idea that it's not tznius because she's "calling attention to herself".
When you're consistently trying to find something to be good at, and then get reprimanded whenever you succeed for drawing attention to yourself, it seems logical that a troubled self-image will result.
It's not fair, but the world does deal with people at face value first. in order for a girl to compete on the meat market, she's got to look good AT ALL TIMES.
ReplyDeleteUnfortunately, as Rabbi Tatz says, we look at the world through greek eyes and that's probably not the Torah's ideal of beauty.
JA - IANAP? I am not a professional?
ReplyDeletePsychologist/Psychiatrist. Although apparently your readers prefer rabbis. I guess they think the Talmud's a better guide for dealing with teen anorexia than the psychological literature. ;-)
JA - The Talmud doesn't change. ;)
ReplyDeleteIn all seriousness, Rabbonim essentially served as community psychologists for centuries. Moreover, nowadays, most Rabbonim go to many classes that are essentially psych classes that pertain to them. (Lander actually hosts many of these.)
i've come to the conclusion from all the girls ive met with ed's over the years that ed's have absolutely nothing to do with looks and everything to do with other emotional/psychological/parental/familial/economic issues and cries for help. it seems to me that it's almost interchangeable with cutting or other forms of self-destructive behavior.
ReplyDeleteand i'm not so sure about the whole shidduchim thing because everytime i walk into touro college and see a girl there, i wonder why she's dressed for shabbos. maybe if all those girls decided that they don't needa dress like that every day in order to get a shidduch, the world would be a better place. also, of course the tznius thing can be harmful to one's self image if the ideas are conveyed as verbal abuse instead of chinuch, but i don't think it's at the level of where it drives girls to ed's. i feel like these girls that go to by's know that for the four years of hs they have to wear their uniforms and don't get as many opportunities to dress up and look really good for those years. but then suddenly when they're out of hs/back from israel, when they're officially on the market, they know they'll get to dress up as much as they want. i saw it with a neighbor of mine. this girl was never that pretty in hs. i mean, she def wouldn't get a second look in hs. but then she comes back from israel and starts putting herself together and it's like whoa, where did she come from? and judging from what i pointed out above, it seems that these girls accept that.
and the girls who do wind up with the ed's aren't the ones who get annoyed about repressing their good looks, but rather they're the ones whose mother is constantly telling them how bad they look and how they can't believe they're walking around dressed like that or how could they eat that piece of cake it's gonna make them fat or oh you can't buy that dress you'll never fit into it and oh you're not sick you just eat too much. these are the retarded mothers in denial who cause most of the jewish worlds problems but are too stupid to realize they don't know how to give chinuch or deal with real issues responsibly. so don't tell me the girls got a problem with her self image when it's really her mother thats got many problems.
of course crazy mothers aren't the only thing that leads girls to this kind of behavior, but it's the only one that imo doesn't get fairly represented. i don't think i needa list all the other sad and sick things that some girls have to go through these days that when aren't properly addressed and treated can yield all kinds of nasty problems, like ed's.
I thought the article leaned a bit too heavily on the educator-bashing routine. Honestly, I believe a healthy self-image is not "taught". Rather, it's "cultivated" through years of unconditional love, primarily from the people who matter most to anyone - their family. G-d forbid, my intention is not to lay blame at the door of the grieving parents of ED victims. But, I think it's important to realize how crucial it is, as parents, to be fully aware of how our attitude towards our kids affect them.
ReplyDeleteEvery parent loves their child. It's part of nature. Not every parent knows the best way to show that love. A perfect example would be a parent who wants their child to be "as great as they can be" and, in hopes of assisting them to that goal, criticizes every tiny misstep or perceived inadequacy. Or, teaching a child to be "strong" by not showing emotion or allowing them to show emotion. Or letting the child suffer because "it builds character".
That is, of course, not to say that a child can't hear no, or that a child can never get some form of rebuke. Or that a child should not have limits or have consequences for misbehavior. But, in our generation, with all the dangers and unhealthy mindsets that our kids come up against, it is so important that we set a foundation of a loving, open, nurturing relationship with our children. They need to feel safe and loved so that they never think to themselves "If only I were ????, then maybe they would really love me."
well, since everyone's taken to discussing eating disorders and the media and pushy mothers and the like, i feel it necessary to put up some video links:
ReplyDeletehttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iYhCn0jf46U&mode=related&search=
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Li3mg1GrKe0&mode=related&search=
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6ypsd1hp9w4&mode=related&search= (the most chilling of all)
bh, though, i think awareness in the orthodox community is finally picking up. it's about time.
Ezzie:
ReplyDeleteIn all seriousness, Rabbonim essentially served as community psychologists for centuries. Moreover, nowadays, most Rabbonim go to many classes that are essentially psych classes that pertain to them. (Lander actually hosts many of these.)
It may be that many are good at it. However, saying that it's because they're looking for shidduchim is absurd. Also, in my personal experience, I've seen rabbis give what I consider awful advice.
The worst example? Telling a young married couple with serious troubles that having a few *more* kids would fix it. The result? A few more kids from a divorced home.
MordyS - That very well could be. (The first and last paragraphs.) Though technically, your next paragraph kind of argues with yourself... good comments.
ReplyDeleteAyelet - Fair points. Of course, one could easily say that some parents overdo the "loving" and end up smothering and/or not teaching their kids properly. Obviously, when it comes down to it, we all need to find the right balance.
I definitely agree that these tend to start in the home, but obviously much of it is peers and educators.
JA - It's really not so absurd. After speaking to a number of people recently, the pressure to "look good" is astounding. Kasamba deals with it far more than I do - she knows what she's talking about. The emphasis some guys place on looks is absolutely ridiculous. (Trust me, I've seen it.)
Of course there are rabbis who give terrible advice; there are also psychologists who do. Unfortunately, not everyone is "the best" at what they do. Even worse, some people suffer when others aren't the best.
PN - All three of those videos were excellent. Thank you.
ReplyDeleteThe chilling one was both depressing and uplifting - I think it was smart how they flipped it at the end. There isn't *just* a bad side to all of these issues: There is not just hope, but much success. We just need it to change from much to always.
About those vids: They feature pics of models that are posing for ads or fashion magazine spreads or fashion shows. To me, I see 'emaciated'. The problem is that too many (young) people are conditioned to see 'beautiful'. Why else would they be paid so much, right? It's almost like, from the sick mind's perspective, 'oh, so EDs make you look like that? That's worth it, isn't it?'
ReplyDelete