A helpless young maiden in the town of Baltimore with an intense fear of slugs needs immediate assistance in removing the one that is currently sliming its way across her room. If you're nearby and can help, please contact me immediately at gmail.
Excerpts: (with 'translations')
omgomgomgomgomgomgomgHey, at least she has a sense of humor while she's freaking out... I think she needs someone to get rid of that slug.
HGUE SLUG
ON M CARPET
(Oh my god, there's a huge slug on my carpet.)
I can deal with other bugs (uh huh)
but not slugs (eeeew [runs!])
HELP
i cant
i mamsihc ant move (mamish can't - it means more if you say mamish)
help
me: shall i call 911 in balto for you?
they might get really annoyed
her: chaverim maybe
its moving (shocker)
shreeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeekkkk (no translation needed)
i cant
i can go near it (can't)
or sal (salt)
but i cant
im gonna throw a bown over it (bowl)
a big bowl so i dont miss
new status message - a husband or a big bro would be nice right about now!!!!!!!!!! ahhhhhh help 1:08 AM (ooo, shuddich opportunity! spoken like a true young jewish girl)
okay i got a huge bowl adn threw it over it and then stacked textbooks on top, do u think that will hold it under, even if its on carpet?
me: lol no
it's a slug
her: SO??
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN??? (i didn't learn science, i went to Bais Yaakov!)
me: no bones
her: ogm (oh my god, for the 1000th time - about now, she completely flipped out)
CALL ANY MALE (woohoo, shidduch!)
THAT MIGHT BE AWAKE (woohoo, shidduch!)
ILL LEAVE MY APT SO THERES NO YICHUD (wooh - wait a second, that's not right...)
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE (i could use a guy...!)
no (to pouring salt)
i cant do that (don't hurt the poor slug...!)
i cant
help
please
ezzie seriously
im freaking out (shocker)
i cant explain they r worse than bugs
right now its udner the bowl i think and i wont move the bowl
and i dont want a dead slug (just a flushed one, because that way I don't know it's dead.)
im literally freaking out
NOI WONT SPRAY IT
me: well, what do you want exactly!?
her: someone else to get rid of it (preferably a guy, 20's, funny, good personality, good-looking, who can always get rid of bugs...)
im calling friends to see if anyone is ok with slugs (or knows a guy who is!)
or awake
me: well, unless you call someone, you're stuck
it's 1:15!
i CANT handle the slug
give me anything else
me: how come?
her: but im literally petrified
i dont know cant u udnerstand phobias!??!
u dont understand, im hyperventilating, crying
The calm version, because I'm not really that wacked out:
ReplyDeleteI get out of the shower, and i dont have my glasses on, and i notice something out of corner of eye on floor (BY MY FOOT) that looks out of place but i cant see much
so i run get glasses but my eyes are all bleary because i just washed off waterproof mascara which took some work, and finally i'm able to focus and its a SLUG, and i can handle bugs and stuff, i deal with them daily in my apartment! but for some unexplainable reason i can't handle slugs --- and all of the roommates are out of town
i get totally petrified and start to hyperventilate, i call my friend to ask if her bro in law who lives upstairs might be awake but she sounds sick and unable to talk so i hang up, and im messaging everyone online in balt or who knows ppl in balt and literally freaking out.
Serach and Ezzie are ever so helpful with tips on paper, ammonia, salt, laundry detergent, etc, but i physically cannot throw salt on it or wait 'til it crawls on paper and then take it outside because i just cant go near it, i cant explain the phobia!
so i find a big bowl and throw it on top (from the safety of my bed)
and stack textbooks on top and pray it wont come out, but then ezzie points out that they have no bones so it can slime under the bowl. great.
i literally have tears running down my face by this point, and i can't move from my bed. you can see how much i was freaking out from my typing even...
i was begging ezzie to PLEASE call anyone in the area that would be awake and could deal with it, ill even leave the apt so no yichud etc... no he won't help.
finally i get through to ONE friend who doesn't mind slugs and is awake, and she comes to my rescue and picks it up with a tissue and flushes it away.
I'm okay now :0)
All of the non-translated portion of the post within the box was taken from an actual chat on google.
ReplyDeleteSerandEz stand by the above post in its entirety. (well, except the translations...)
See, this is why some people hold you can't take showers during the 9 days!
And who the heck am I supposed to call at 1 in the morning!? This is Baltimore! People are asleep by havdalah! :P
ReplyDeleteshreeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeekkkk
-Shrek, not Shriek (just for the record)
(don't hurt the poor slug...!)
-not what i meant, just freaks me out to pour salt on a slug
CALL ANY MALE (woohoo, shidduch!)
THAT MIGHT BE AWAKE (woohoo, shidduch!)
ILL LEAVE MY APT SO THERES NO YICHUD (wooh - wait a second, that's not right...)
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE (i could use a guy...!)
-would actually make a great shidduch story... so how'd you meet?
and i dont want a dead slug (just a flushed one, because that way I don't know it's dead.)
-no the difference is that its not sitting SHRIVELED UP ON MY CARPET!!!
(preferably a guy, 20's, funny, good personality, good-looking, who can always get rid of bugs...)
-hey, if you've got one.....
lol
ReplyDeletehate slugs. it's the slimy-ness. i empathise with your friend.
(however, other bugs are just as bad in my books. like the horrible black one i came across today. i screeched. a lot.)
And who the heck am I supposed to call at 1 in the morning!? This is Baltimore! People are asleep by havdalah! :P
ReplyDelete-some people don't get home until 1am... you have friends!!!!
Eh. All the people I know in Baltimore are out by 10.
ReplyDeleteExcept one family... hehe. Now they for SURE would have come. (But their oldest is a 17-year old girl, sorry.)
~Sarah~ - Waterbugs are worse. Especially really, really big ones.
ReplyDeleteThis is almost as good as when iPayTooMuchForMyHair got up on her chair at work because she heard there might be a mouse!
ReplyDeletewell we had a mouse at work and i did no such thing
ReplyDeleteLOL. i would've helped!
ReplyDeleteJust suck it up and deal with it. Cut the drama.
ReplyDeleteI just had a water bug incident.
ReplyDeleteI'm telling you, these bugs have a capability to waltz right past you while being hunted.
Finally nailed the sucker with my size 13 Rockport Flipflop.
thank you anonymous, please keep that in mind next time you face one of your unexplainable phobias.
ReplyDeleteAnd who the heck am I supposed to call at 1 in the morning!? This is Baltimore! People are asleep by havdalah!
ReplyDeleteYeah, yeah. Anybody in that town up that late is not someone you want be associated with.
I agree, huge waterbugs are worse. So are roaches when they're the grown ones that move faster than you can squish them, cuz then you KNOW they're still alive somewhere, you just can't DO anything about it. *shudders*
ReplyDeleteI feel for you. I honestly do. I saw a slug out of the corner of my eye slugging down my countertop, and then at a second glance almost flipped out. so i covered it, and when my husband came home from shachris, he just threw the plastic container out in the bin.cuz it climbed up the sides and stuff, so it was easier to get rid of. our newest problem is cockroaches falling out of our a.c. above our heads. you can imagine what that does to me.
ReplyDeleteROTFL. The IM version cracks me up. At least slugs move slowly!
ReplyDeleteIt really takes a lot to phase me since I've had kids. A couple weeks ago I was on the computer and the kids came running to tell me "Momma!! There's a fly sleeping on the windowsill and it's having babies!" I almost hurled on the keyboard!