Tuesday, January 22, 2008

Stay With Me...

...this should all come together, but it might require some patience and a little creative thinking (never in short supply around here I know, that's why I have high hopes).
So, a request has been made elsewhere to provide the male point of view on dating. Now, while it might be beneficial to do this seriously and with a degree or respect for the topic, I found it much more fun to go in a different direction. As I am sure has become apparent, I am a fan of the cinema and have been known from time to time to use references to things from movies, if not out and out dialogue, to get a point across. This will be no exception. In fact it will be an experiment in just how far I can stretch the connection between the topic at hand and the movie being used.
With that as a prep, I give you thoughts on shidduch dating from a guy's perspective via quotes from the film I thought best suited for this: ARMAGEDDON.(I tried to include as many different kinds of guys as the material allowed)

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F.B.I. Agent: Sir, we have a national security matter. = “So, I have the name of a girl who would be perfect for you”
Rockhound: Good for you. = "Good for you"
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Freddy Noonan: Pretty intense, huh?
Lev Andropov: That's why I told you to *touch nothing*... but you were all a bunch of cowboys!
-- After having successfully convinced a date that “shomer negiah” is just a minhag.
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Grace Stamper: I understand that you are handicapped by a natural immaturity, and I forgive you.
--Thought we assume has or will pass through the date’s mind at some point.
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President: We didn't see this thing coming?
Dan: Well, our object collison budget's about a million dollars. That allows us to track about 3% of the sky, and beg'n your pardon sir, but it's a big-ass sky.
--After you discover something on the date you wish you had known prior to agreeing to go out.
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Rockhound: This is so much fun, it's freaky!
--Thought during a really good date.
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Rockhound: Well it's about time, I haven't thrown up in about an hour.
--Thought during a really bad date.
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Harry Stamper: I'm not gonna kill him, I'm just gonna take a foot off of him. A man can work with one foot.
--Definition of the look her father gave you when you were not clear on how you would take care of his little girl (for the record: this is usually deserved when experienced)
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Harry Stamper: How long've you worked for me?
A.J.: Five - wonderful - years.
Harry Stamper: In five years you have never apologized to me this quickly. Something's going on here, I'm gonna find out what it is.
--Whoops, this is related to a different post on marriage. Sorry.
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Max: God, it sucks up here.
--Thought during any hotel date consisting of a lounge more than 3 stories up.
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General Kimsey: The fate of the planet is in the hands of a bunch of retards I wouldn't trust with a potato gun.
--General opinion of the capability of the vast majority of shadchanim. (Yeah…that’s a good one)
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Grace Stamper: Listen, Harry, A.J. is my choice - my choice and not yours.
Harry Stamper: He's the only one in your age bracket, Grace. That's not a choice, that's a lack of options.
--View of Shidduch dating by NYers of those who live outside NY.
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Oscar: I'm great, I got that "excited/scared" feeling. Like 98% excited, 2% scared. Or maybe it's more. It could be, it could be 98% scared, 2% excited but that's what makes it so intense, it's so - confused. I can't really figure it out.
--Pretty straight forward pre-first-date feeling.
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Harry Stamper: What's your contingency plan?
Truman: Contingency plan?
Harry Stamper: Your backup plan. You gotta have some kind of backup plan, right?
Truman: No, we don't have a back up plan, this is, uh...
--Conversation w/ date when planned destination is removed from the equation for some reason.
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Karl: Sir, I'm retired navy, I know all about classified. But one more thing. The person who finds her gets to name her right?
Dan: Yes, yes that's right, that's right.
Karl: I wanna name her Dottie after my wife. She's a vicious life-sucking b**** from which there is no escape.
--Damn, there’s that marriage post again!
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Rockhound: Guess what guys, it's time to embrace the horror! Look, we've got front row tickets to the end of the earth!
-- Pretty straight forward pre-first-date feeling.
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A.J.: You know what I was thinking?
Grace Stamper: What?
A.J.: I really don't think that the animal cracker qualifies as a cracker.
Grace Stamper: Why?
A.J.: Well cause it's sweet, which to me suggests cookie, I mean well putting cheese on something is sort of a defining characteristic of what makes a cracker a cracker. I don't know why I thought of that, i just...
--Typical first date conversation.
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Lev Andropov: Excuse me, but I think I know how to fix this.
Watts: Move it! You don't know the components!
Lev Andropov: [annoyed] Components. American components, Russian Components, ALL MADE IN TAIWAN!
--“So, there is only one issue with her… She doesn’t mind if the guy works so long as he is still “yeshivish”.
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Colonel William Sharp: Miss Stamper? Colonel Willie Sharp, United States Airforce, ma'am. Requesting the permission to shake the hand of the daughter of the bravest man I've ever met.
--Close friends of the family greeting a successful shadchan.
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Colonel William Sharp: United States astronauts train for years. You have twelve days.
--Normal dating vs. shidduch dating.
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Colonel William Sharp: Talk about the wrong stuff.
--D.O.A. date (hamevin yavin)
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A.J.: You know it's all funny until somebody gets shot in the leg.
--Really, really bad date.
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Chick: Harry, the clock on that nine-foot nuclear weapon is ticking.
--Feeling before, say, date no. 8 with a girl who is older then you are.
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Dr. Banks: [going through the roughnecks' medical reports] Fail. Fail. Impressively fail! One toxicology analysis revealed ketamin, that is a very powerful sedative!
--“Thank you for the thought but I don’t think it’s a shidduch”

Dr. Banks: [to Truman] I mean it'd normally take 18 months to train pre-screened, viable subjects for space travel!
--“Okay, so I’ll give her your information and get back to you”
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Rockhound: You want to compare brainpans? I won the Westinghouse prize when I was 12, big deal. Published at 19, so what. I got a double doctorate from MIT at 22, Chemistry and Geology. I taught at Princeton for two and a half years. Why do I do this? Because the money's good, the scenery changes and they let me use explosives, ok?
--Sound like anybody we know
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Harry Stamper: Come on, God, just a little help. It's all I'm asking.
--No editing required.
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President: I address you tonight not as the President of the United States, not as a leader of a country, but as a citizen of humanity. We are faced with the very gravest of challenges. The Bible calls this day "Armageddon" - the end of all things. And yet, for the first time in the history of the planet, a species has the technology to prevent its own extinction. All of you praying with us tonight need to know that everything that can be done to prevent this disaster is being called into service. The human thirst for excellence, knowledge; every step up the ladder of science; every adventurous reach into space; all of our combined technologies and imaginations; even the wars that we've fought have provided us the tools to wage this terrible battle. Through all of the chaos that is our history; through all of the wrong and the discord; through all of the pain and he suffering; through all of our times, there is one thing that has nourished our souls, and elevated our species above its origins, and that is our courage. The dreams of an entire planet are focused tonight on those fourteen brave souls traveling into the heavens. And may we, citizens the world over, see these events through. God speed, and good luck to you.
--Intro to the mashgiach’s “Shidduch Dating 101” shiur.
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Rockhound: God, I hate knowing everything.
--Sound like anybody we know (I kid! I kid!!:)
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Rockhound: You know we're sitting on four million pounds of fuel, one nuclear weapon and a thing that has 270,000 moving parts built by the lowest bidder. Makes you feel good, doesn't it?
--Feeling before typical, hey you’re a guy and she’s a girl let’s set them up and see what happens, date.
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Max: Something's wrong.
Rockhound: Yeah man, it's ALL wrong. We shouldn't even be up here.
--When you want to turn the car around after 10 minutes.
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Rockhound: Wow. Got a great view of the Earth from here. Too bad we'll never set foot on her again.
--Watching a different couple clearly on their first shidduch date.
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Rockhound: I don't want to be the materialistic weasel here, but do you think we'll get hazard pay for this?
--So, how much will her father commit to…?
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A.J.: If anybody's anybody, I'm Hans and you're Chewbacca.
Oscar: Chewy? Have you ever seen Star Wars?
--D.O.A. date #2 (see above)
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Dan: So what's the verdict?
Harry Stamper: They'll do it. They've made a few requests though.
Dan: Such as?
Harry Stamper: Well, there's uh, few things here
--“Yes, he has agreed to go out with her. If you could just clarify a few things first about support…”
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Harry Stamper: AJ, I have only five words for you: Damn glad to see you boy!
A.J.: That's six words.
--The look every guy hopes to see eventually,
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Oscar: This is space! See this is just the beginning part of space, we haven't even got to *outer* space yet!
--Date #1
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Rockhound: "Wow. This is a god dam Greek tragedy."
--Bad date that will make a good story on future dates.
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Rockhound: [after stepping onto the asteroid] This is like Dr. Seuss's worst nightmare!
--D.O.A. date #3 (see above)
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Oscar: Okay, so the scariest environment imaginable. Thanks. That's all you gotta say, scariest environment imaginable.
--After hearing what a typical shidduch date is like.
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Bear: [sobbing in front of Dr. Banks] I am not crazy! I'm just a little emotional right now, ok? Ya'll throwing all this stuff at me, man! Look, I mean, after this is over, can I like get a hug from you or something?
--Things are going really well and…well…you never know…
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AJ: [as the two shuttles are rounding the Moon at 12 Gs] Ohhhh God I'm gonna die!
Oscar: Don't worry! This is normal!
AJ: How would you know?
--Two first time shidduch daters talking to each other.
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Rockhound: We're staying, we're going, we're staying, we're going, make up your minds!
--She’s busy, she has work, she has school, she’s gonna be out of town…she’ll be available in two weeks (hmmmmmmm)
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Grace Stamper: Baby, do you think its possible that there's someone doing this very same thing at this very same time?
A.J.: I hope so, otherwise, what the hell are we trying to save?
--Best case scenario
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Grace Stamper: [speaking of A.J] I thought you said you couldn't trust him.
Harry Stamper: I thought you said I could.
--The system doesn’t work, long live the system.

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