Thursday, January 17, 2008

Lord Have Mercy...

…for we stand on the precipice of something that frankly scares the bajeezes out of me. Now before detailing this calamity that awaits us in the coming days I must first go back and specify who I mean by “we” and “us”. In this case the audience is those ignored souls of the Ser&Ez readership, and the far reaches of the JudeoBloggtian world at large, those readers who yearn for something else in addition to the many relevant topics that are normally to found across our small corner of this medium.

They…are the sports fans, and this is for them.

My brethren and sisthren, the time to crown football royalty draws near. By the end of the coming weekend we will know which valiant gangs of 22+ will collide at the dawn of the second Julian month to decide who takes ownership of Lord Vince’s prize for the next year. ‘Tis a joyful time across our land, one full of hope and anticipation. We stand on tenterhooks to view the culmination of 17 weeks of thrill and agony, of soaring highs and crashing lows (and also hopefully a few cool commercials because let’s be honest the last couple of years have been WEAK).

Vying for the right to do battle on our nations greatest stage are four teams: the Green Bay Packers, New York Giants, New England Patriots and San Diego Chargers.

Here is where we get to the danger, nay I say grave danger, part. Two of these teams (NY/SD) are lead by young men still finding themselves and trying to create their legacies; both Messrs. Manning and Rivers are relative unknowns. Not so the field generals of the Packers and Patriots, these gentlemen need little or no introduction: Brett Favre and Tom Brady, the Ageless Gunslinger and Mr. Perfection themselves. The irrascable veteran charging toward a perhaps his final taste of glory as the sun slowly sets on his storied career (boy, is that sun taking a long time to set) vs. the man of the hour who seemingly can do no wrong and has the world as his oyster.

People, if these two end up meeting in the Super Bowl the world as we know it is in very serious trouble. Do you realize that there is a week off in between the conference championship games and the championship? Do you know what that means? TWO weeks of non-stop media coverage. If both of these icons are victorious we are in for the most unbearable lead-up to a Super Bowl imaginable. The hero worship (I am being VERY good here about only using polite language) given to these two quarterbacks is like nothing else doled out by the national media to anybody else in professional football and quite possibly in all of sports. The degree of sycophantism (hey! that’s the second time I got to use that word today, good times)(and again the terminology here could be much less charitable) will be enough to drive even the most unaffiliated viewer/reader to go out looking for the nearest bridge they can jump off of.

It-Will-Be-Mind-Numbing, It-Will-Be-Horrible!! and WE MUST STOP IT FROM HAPPENING!!!

We have the power, we have the tools. You all know what I’m talking about and as sick and twisted as it may sound now I implore you not to wait until after the scores have become final and the match up has already been set, when it becomes clear what we are in store for, for then it will already be TOO LATE! So I ask you all to join me in the one act that can prevent this cataclysmic union of sports, media and pop culture…

PRAY! PRAY WITH ME!! Pray like you have never prayed before. Pray for at least one from the pair of Eli and Phillip to come through unscathed. Those two noble men of valor are our only chance, so please…pray for them…or against one of the other two, I’m not picky.


  1. Haha. Great post!
    As long as the Pats lost Ill be happy, but would be extra sweet if Favre knocks them off.

  2. I think it'll be really close in Wisconsin; Manning can't play in bad weather.

    New England will crush the competition...

    My prediction? New England vs New York, with the Patriots choking in the end...

  3. Eli trying to carve his legacy? Ha! The only legacy he will be carving is that of a QB who was obtained by setting back the franchise many years. He is a BAD QB. Yes, bad. He's not OK, he's not average, he's BAD. Please someone show me ONE stat which proves otherwise.
    His BEST stat this year was passing yards in which he ranked 12th in the league. In other important Categories such as TD's, INT, Completion % and Passer Rating he was ranked 17th, 30th (last), 24th and 23rd.
    To any Giant fan out there or any "Eli" believer, please just show me one sign that shows Eli can be a good QB in this league ( and his last name doesn't count as a sign).
    Oh, and PS: his 'great' turnaround in the playoffs that everyone is talking about? He passed for 185 yards the first game and 165 yards (12 completions) the second game. The big 'whoop' is that he did't turn the ball over. Put him into Canton!!!
    I'm out.