Guest post by YH
When I got back into shidduchim last year, there was one rule first and foremost in my mind: I’m looking to get married not to play games. One of my goals in marriage is to find the happiness that comes from stability, and it’s hard to be happy when you have this huge gaping hole in your life. It’s hard to look at the positives when you see such a big negative. It’s hard to enjoy yourself when all you want to do is lie down and indulge in self-pity. We’ve all had something which makes us feel incredibly lousy. It’s the essence of the shidduch crisis. The crisis isn’t that there are thousands of unmarried men and women who desire strongly to have kids and raise a family. The crisis is you and me. It’s a personal crisis shared by thousands.
I know what it means to hold a baby in your arms, to teach a child to read, to show little ones right from wrong. Boruch Hashem, I’ve been blessed with several ridiculously cute nephews and nieces (kn’ayin harah) whom I treasure more than anything and who love me back unconditionally. Boruch Hashem I have a close relationship with my married siblings, and I have a glimpse on the world “inside”.
It’s the hardest thing for me in the world.
How can you maintain a balance, an equilibrium, when every day you’re constantly reminded that you’re still alone, that you’re still single - especially in our culture which is centered around family life? How can you maintain yourself with rejection after rejection; to see your optimism and self-confidence crumble into dust?
Take some time off. Indulge a little in your self-pity. Don’t feel guilty; just let it wash over yourself. Watch a movie, hang out with a friend. Do something that will let you just relax. Then think it through – remember what your life is about. The life I want has a wife and a family. Children of my own. But that’s not the life Hashem gave me, not yet, and I have no business wallowing when there is so much out there for me. Grab life by the horns. Kick yourself back into high-gear, make a goal for yourself, and then follow the steps necessary to accomplish it. Start exercising, drop a few pounds, ditch the raggedy sweater with the nacho stains and get a nice shirt or a new tie. Make yourself feel better about being you, and start being proactive. Everyone has a bad day once in a while. It’s ok to be crazy.
But only for a day.
Great post!
ReplyDeleteWell said, and great timing for me as I have very similar sentiments right now...
ReplyDeleteWell said. One thing I would add is to get involved in giving to others. Find something you are passionate about and use it to help others. Whether it be your shul or something else in your community or an organization you feel committed to.
ReplyDeleteWhat a nice, realistic post.
ReplyDeleteI didn't go the shidduch route, but like SaraK implied in her comment, do something you feel passionate or interested about. I used to go to lectures and community functions and think that if I should meet someone while doing something I enjoy, that's a double bonus.
B'hatzlacha rabah in your quest for your beshert.
Ditto to what SaraK said.
ReplyDeleteI read this post (and comments) originally on hashkafa.com
ReplyDeleteI cannot tell you how strongly your thoughts resonated with me. The emptiness we feel as singles does not have to come from a place of unhappiness or dissatisfaction with where we are now. Marriage is a major focus of Yiddishkeit, not because we can't stand to be alone, but because we understand that as a single we are half of a neshama and the ideal way to serve Hashem is through shleimus/complete-ness. The way we do this is through marriage- rejoining with our other half. So by definition, being single is being incomplete; and for those who are connected to their neshamos on a deeper level, I think they will feel this more [and I think the more in tune and connected one is to their neshama the more that person will experience this feeling of being incomplete]. This emptiness can be extremely painful at times and as you said, sometimes the way to deal with it is to just watch a movie, bum around, even have a really good cry (my method of choice).
The idea of getting involved in something such as giving to/helping others is a great one and to some extent it does fill that void, but that emptiness is meant to be filled by the other half of my neshama and so no matter how much chesed and giving I am involved in, it will not be filled until I meet that person that I am meant to spend the rest of my life with- giving to, growing with and building with.