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Friday, May 20, 2011

If Only

We all experience frustrations at various points in our lives with 'getting over the hump'. For some people it's with their jobs, where they always feel like they're about to make a big leap, but instead they end up taking a small step, or none at all. For some it's with their finances, where they are about to start really cutting down their debt, or put away extra toward that house or retirement or vacation... but then they can't, not yet... maybe next month, or after that next thing is taken care of. For others it's with their ideas, their actions, what they're going to accomplish... anything.

To some, life is a series of "on the brinks". Many of us have friends who are continually talking about what they're going to do - what they are about to accomplish, what big break is just around the corner, what they've learned that will help them turn that corner and keep going. At first, we are often impressed by these people: He's really going to be something one day, we think. Or wow, we wish we could be so driven and focused.

After a time, we start to get a better sense of these people. Some truly do accomplish. Some have always been full of garbage. Some we slowly realize are just talkers: They are always "on the brink", but they're never really doing anything to get over it, as much as they claim they are. And some are in the middle, perhaps a break or two from really turning that corner, perhaps not - genuinely honest, good, motivated people who for whatever reason haven't yet been able to get over that hump.

Sometimes, though, you realize that it's not your friend, your acquaintance, your old classmate or co-worker who is on the brink - it's you. As with other people, this is exciting at first: You see that light ahead of you and it's finally within grasp. Sometimes, you reach that light. Sometimes, you don't. And sometimes, every time you feel like you're getting close, you turn the corner and realize it's still a little further away then you thought, and that can be incredibly draining. You may start to feel that you're turning into that person who will never quite break through, who will always struggle on all these fronts while knowing all along you could succeed, if only...

If only.

It's hard not to be frustrated when life always seems just out of reach. You take a look at what's happened, and try not to get to caught up on the past (if only...) while learning its lessons. You look at yourself to see what you can change (if only I...) and you analyze your situation to see what could be changed (if only...) and you listen to everyone else's advice (if only you...). What's worse, after all that is completed, you often find that you're right back where you started: The path you're on is the best one for you, and hopefully something will break the right way (if only it would) and you'll be fine, or better than fine - amazing, even.

Throughout all of it, and continually forward, you have to approach all this with an upbeat attitude, lest the worries consume you, or the debt overwhelm you, or the lack of success depress you, or the negative disposition make your boss or interviewer not like you or your friends pity you.

The trap people in this situation can fall into - besides the above - is to start looking for a shortcut (if only!). Yes - be creative. Yes - think outside the box. Yes - come up with alternative solutions. But often, once all those options have been attempted, discarded, or deemed to be infeasible for now, the most important quality is going to be resiliency. Know that the best way out, the best way forward, is going to be just pushing forward, slowly and steadily. We always say, and never listen, that "life ain't easy". It's not - life is difficult, and there will be difficult times. There's no magical "get out of debt free" or "find a job" or "suddenly learn an entirely new set of skills in a new field" and especially no "someone has given you $1,000,000!" card in real life. We sometimes do have to put in the time, the effort... and the wait. We sometimes do have to be patient, be resilient. And sometimes, that will be frustrating, and difficult, and depressing... but that is life, and that is how it goes, and that is something that will (hopefully) help you later on when you have overcome that brink - or even if, perhaps especially if, you don't.

If only we could always remember that.

14 comments:

  1. I think it's really important as we're trying to improve our lives to at the same time accept where we are and make the most of that as well. We can be happy and in debt at the same time. We can be happy and overweight at the same time. We can be happy and stuck in a traffic jam at the same time.

    It's easy to get caught up waiting for things to change, to tell ourselves that we're really going to live once X happens, but we can always be here now and make the most of it at the same time.

    That's something yoga and meditation have really helped me with.

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  2. Well perhaps if you hadn't associated yourself with frauds and liars, and participated in their schemes, you wouldn't be in this situation.

    Don't play the victim while you reaped the gains of stolen goods!

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  3. I think it's really important as we're trying to improve our lives to at the same time accept where we are and make the most of that as well. We can be happy and in debt at the same time. We can be happy and overweight at the same time. We can be happy and stuck in a traffic jam at the same time.

    It's easy to get caught up waiting for things to change, to tell ourselves that we're really going to live once X happens, but we can always be here now and make the most of it at the same time.


    For sure; I probably should have noted that as well. My focus was more on getting past difficult points or moving onto the next stage in an aspect of life.

    That's something yoga and meditation have really helped me with.

    A friend posted a somewhat similar but different comment that I think you can appreciate (though I'm guessing disagree) - [sic]

    "I think this is where belief in G-d comes in. If you believe everything happens for a reason and everything happens for the best, then not only are we ok with where we are, we should be grateful. (Maybe we should have put in more hishtadlut but there will many more chances.)"

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  4. Well perhaps if you hadn't associated yourself with frauds and liars, and participated in their schemes, you wouldn't be in this situation.

    Don't play the victim while you reaped the gains of stolen goods!


    LOL. Yeah, being out close to $40K, not having a job, and having to tell over and over again the story of how a thief screwed me and everyone else around him is really "reaping the gain".

    Why anonymous, if you believe what you say?

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  5. But I will agree with one line you said: If I hadn't associated with frauds and liars, I wouldn't be in this situation.

    If only I'd known they were, I wouldn't have participated. What's most frustrating is how many people DID know and didn't warn the rest of us... but that's an If Only that I'm really not interested in spending much more time on.

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  6. I think this is one of the best pieces you've ever written. It sounds like you've really learned and grown a lot from your experiences.

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  7. "I think this is where belief in G-d comes in. If you believe everything happens for a reason and everything happens for the best, then not only are we ok with where we are, we should be grateful."

    I don't believe that everything happens for a reason or is for the best, and I'm skeptical that telling yourself otherwise can help when deep down you must know it's not true.

    Many times, things happen for no reason, and they really, really suck. I'm just saying that accepting things how they are (easier said than done) makes life much better than doing what we naturally do, which is to sort of hold our breath and try to just push through and imagine a light at the end of the tunnel.

    I think the traffic jam example is a great one. Most people tense up and get angry and act like they can actually do something by raging against it. But you can also just accept that you're stuck in traffic and relax and try to enjoy yourself anyway. I suppose telling yourself that you're stuck for a reason and that it's for the best can get you to a similar place, but that seems like needless Pollyanaism to me, and I don't know how well it'd work.

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  8. Shoshana - Thanks.

    JA - It certainly helps countless people.

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  9. Hey Anon- How much did SM pay you to say that? Everyone knows who reaped all the money is that scam.

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  10. Terrific. And exactly why I am (finally!) making aliyah. No one can make things happen for themselves without taking actions.
    I love how self-aware you are, one of the things I most admire about you.

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  11. This comment thread is a good Halachic argument against anonymity.

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  12. The fact that you continued to work there for months after the fraud was exposed means no one owes you anything.

    You were hired to help promote the scam, nothing more!

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  13. Anon2 - Thanks.

    SaraK - Thanks!

    Bob - Heh.

    Anon3 - Huh? So the fact that someone owed hundreds of thousands to the company doesn't matter?

    I continued to work at my company - which was clean - after fraud was exposed at another company, not my own.

    I was there to build something, not "promote a scam" - we didn't know the other company was a scam until way too late. And I stayed on because we thought we had a great concept, thought we'd get paid back the monies we were owed, and then once that didn't happen we thought we had other investors.

    And yes, plenty of people "owe" myself and many others plenty, but I've moved on nicely. They'll get what they deserve, and maybe one day we'll get some of what we do, too, though it seems increasingly unlikely.

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  14. Let it go Ez - you can never convince people of anything.

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