(To the tune of "Toys 'R Us Kid")
We don't wanna grow up,
We don't want to date guys,
If a shadchan says 'Hey look at him',
We just close our eyes.
We don't care if he's the next Gadol Hador*,
Still don't want him knocking at my door...
I have a confession to make. I am twenty years old and I have never been on a Shidduch* Date (gasp!) nor do I have intentions of doing so in the near future (double gasp!). Yes, I do intend of eventually finding my Bashert* and getting lots of OnlySimchas posts about "being Zoche to build a Bayis Ne'eman B'Yisrael"*, but I am as of yet not on the market. (Shh, don't tell or I'll have the whole Flatbush pointing and staring. It's bad enough that I don't blow my hair on a regular basis or look like I'm attending a wedding just to go to the pharmacy.)
You may question the thoughts behind my decision, but I'm sorry to say there's no drama involved. I simply don't feel like waiting another few months or even a year or two will put me on the shelf with the Old Maids. Some feel that my refusal is tantamount to Shidduch suicide, that I'm not putting in my necessary Hishtadlus*. But I remain strong in my beliefs. So strong, in fact, that after a discussion with a friend in the same predicament as I find myself, Non-Daters, Incorporated was born. It started off as a spoken joke, nothing too serious. Then we designed the membership cards. (Note: THIS IS A JOKE!!! JUST A JOKE!!!)
Soon after came the Theme Song, featured at the top of this post. Now all we need is publicity... I can see it now. Billboards, ads in the Hamodia and Yated*, Frisbees with our name on it... hey, maybe we'll even advertise straight from Serandez!! The outcome would be astounding. Imagine, post-seminary girls using that flipped-out attitude to change the world instead of trying to secure a spot on the list of every boy still in The Freezer*. If we could get membership up... we could solve the "shidduch crisis" here and now! The first official meeting will be held at Ezzie's *new* apartment this coming Shabbos. Be there or be a parallelogram!S.H.I.D.D.U.C.H. - Changing the world, one 18-year old seminary girl at a time.
Many thanks to Ezzie for all his help. (See, Ezzie- I didn't disclose which parts you helped with.)
* Glossary
Gadol Hador - spiritual leader of the generation
Shidduch - arranged date
Bashert - predestined marriage partner
Zoche to build a Bayis Ne'eman B'Yisrael - typical blessing given to newly engaged couples that they build an upstanding Jewish home
Hishtadlus - effort
Hamodia and Yated - two widely read Orthodox newspapers
The Freezer - ask Ezzie to explain
Good on you!
ReplyDeleteAt least you are using this non-dating time wisely ;)
Wish I'd had a card like that when I was 20 :P
(And when you are ready, you'll know!)
Thanks for the laugh...
:)
I've never quite understood the pressure people place on girls in particular, but even guys, to get married - especially by parents. Do parents *want* their kids to be married well before they have any clue what they might want to do with their lives? Before they really know themselves at all? When they're coming back from an unreal year in Israel, and may have very unrealistic expectations of life, no means of support, etc.? I just don't get it.
ReplyDeleteKudos to those who can buck the pressure and make their own lives when it is of their choosing. You will be better off for it, and likely live happier, better lives and have better, more stable marriages. ( <-- Complete opinion there based on no facts.)
We got married young - but we were bucking pressure not to, not falling for pressure to. We struggled, still are struggling, and we're getting through it. We're lucky - not everyone makes it in our situation. It's not something that should be recommended, only something that 'if it happens, it happens'. To pressure people to get into situations like ours is simply stupid. To do so when the husband will be learning, and not earning all that much, seems simply moronic.
Do parents *want* their kids to be married well before they have any clue what they might want to do with their lives?
ReplyDeleteMaybe I'm cynical, but I think the answer for a lot of parents to this question is a clear "Yes." Marrying them off young means they're not going to go out and find themselves, maybe leave religion, maybe just decide that the traditional lifestyle of spouse and kids and two cars and white-collar career isn't for them.
It's not always conscious, but there's no question that early marriage keeps people in "the fold," whether "the fold" refers to Orthodoxy or other traditions.
JA - Oh, you're definitely cynical. ;)
ReplyDeleteI hear your points, but I don't think that they're really worried about that. We've discussed this before, and I don't want to get too off-topic, but most people a) simply don't care b) will stay with what they grew up with anyway. There are more reasons, too.
Parents may not want their kids to have a chance to think and change their lifestyle, but throwing off Judaism entirely I don't think is it. I wonder if throwing off certain segments of Orthodoxy etc. might play a role, though.
Put it this way: While a few individuals may 'go off' by being single, in college, exposed to the outside world, etc., I don't think that's one of the reasons people are pushing them to get married. I think it's much more related to pressure from the inside: "If she doesn't start dating now, who will marry her?"
The question is why people are doing this when it really doesn't make sense: It's dependent on everyone else being equally short-sighted. If *everyone* waited until they were more ready/financially stable/etc. there wouldn't be much to worry about.
[And now, back to packing! :) Maybe Pobody will have some insights when she wakes up...]
ReplyDeleteJA - Oh, you're definitely cynical. ;)
ReplyDeleteThis is true. :-)
Parents may not want their kids to have a chance to think and change their lifestyle, but throwing off Judaism entirely I don't think is it. I wonder if throwing off certain segments of Orthodoxy etc. might play a role, though.
Maybe it's just the whole premarital sex thing they're trying to avoid. Even among the Orthodox, it seems premarital sex isn't that uncommon for people in their 20s. Which I think is a good thing, but I'm sure their Orthodox parents don't. :-)
I love the cards! ;)
ReplyDeleteWell, being the "friend in the same predicament", I must say, I'm a bit bias. However, I think it's about time someone stood up on this subject.
ReplyDeleteWhen people ask me what I'm looking for, and I answer with "actually, I'm not really looking", I get these collective gasps... *what?! how can you not be looking, you are 20, your social clock is running fast...*
When my friends in NY tell me how their mothers don't let them out of the house unless they are wearing a nice short skirt and hair perfectly blown, and full face of make-up etc., I tell them how I go everywhere w/ my hair in a messy bun and wearing a long denim skirt, and I just get more *gasps*
So, Pobody, GO US!!!
I remember being 20. It was a great age, not that anyone cares. ;)
ReplyDeleteyay! Ezzie told me if i post on something opinion-based, i would get responses! SCORE! up 12 hours and 9 posts already!
ReplyDeletei guess i'm supposed to respond to the posts so i will.
from bottom up.
jacks- it is great. 'course 19 was better, and 18 even better, all the way down til about 9 when life stunk cuz the big kids got the good stuff.
jawzzz- it's not even that we will need to change so drastically when we do enter "the market"- we'll just find boys who aren't particular about having the fanciest girl around. they'll accept us for who we are!
chana- if you want to join, we can send you a membership card. (:
Athiest- i disagree fully, fully, fully, with everything you have said. i think the reason parents push is mainly because they don't want to end up with older, single children because then the ortho community won't look at them as highly, and as a girl gets older (talking 25+) it does seem there are less boys around. i think it has very little to do with not wanting their children exposed.
im too tired to write any more...
muscat- i totally agree, there are many reasons that people go out at such a young age, but i really feel bad for those who are simply "caving into pressure". and its really a shame, cuz 18 is already old enough to be able to stand up for yourself, and if you can't yet...??
ReplyDeleteGood for you! As an "out-of-towner" from bal teshuvah parents, I was never exposed to the whole shidduch dating mentality/procedures, and when I came to NY for college post-sem I was absolutely shocked to find how things are here. The whole thing is so silly and insane. So I'm really glad to see someone standing up for reason. Being someone in the opposite situation (met someone naturally, but parents are NOT into young marriage) I'm dealing with my own issues, but as Ezzie says, I know that getting married young is no walk in the park--so why put yourself in that situation if you don't feel ready?
ReplyDeleteGenerally accepted reasons to refuse a shidduch at age 20:
ReplyDelete1. you're a male who wishes to stay focused on studies (whether they are Torah or plans for a medical degree)
2. you're a female with an unmarried older sister (and you're being generous in not entering shidduchim while she is still working at them.)
Other than that, you would be looked at rather strangely. Nowadays it seems that 20 for females is already beyond prime in the eyes of the shidduch world.
*Sigh* Where can I get me one of these card... : )
ReplyDeleteDoes "law school" count as an excuse? How about an unmarried-older-sister... who's in another country?! Hmm... ah well. Will have to come up with some other excuses, then. Because, yes, the pressure is there, and I'm afraid the level of observance has nothing to do with this. Ever since I became single recently, people have been all over me to set up dates... and I really, REALLY don't want to...
Seriously, I find it amazing that people who started dating all in their own good RIGHT time, pressure everyone else to date/marry when they are completely unready. It's like they've forgotten how it felt when everyone was watching their every step and gossipping every time they they decided not to go out with a match. So ironic!
count me in as of last friday...
ReplyDeleteoh, and JA's right.
ReplyDeleteI think that your post was cute, but could have been expressed as follows-there is neither a mitzvah to be the first married or divorced member of one's high school class or seminary chevra. Of course, as a corollary, one of the other issues is that far too many sems to the right of Michlala view even the best RIETS talmid as treif/passul
ReplyDelete