Sunday, September 03, 2006

Non-Daters, Inc.

(To the tune of "Toys 'R Us Kid")

We don't wanna grow up,
We don't want to date guys,
If a shadchan says 'Hey look at him',
We just close our eyes.
We don't care if he's the next Gadol Hador*,
Still don't want him knocking at my door...

I have a confession to make. I am twenty years old and I have never been on a Shidduch* Date (gasp!) nor do I have intentions of doing so in the near future (double gasp!). Yes, I do intend of eventually finding my Bashert* and getting lots of OnlySimchas posts about "being Zoche to build a Bayis Ne'eman B'Yisrael"*, but I am as of yet not on the market. (Shh, don't tell or I'll have the whole Flatbush pointing and staring. It's bad enough that I don't blow my hair on a regular basis or look like I'm attending a wedding just to go to the pharmacy.)

You may question the thoughts behind my decision, but I'm sorry to say there's no drama involved. I simply don't feel like waiting another few months or even a year or two will put me on the shelf with the Old Maids. Some feel that my refusal is tantamount to Shidduch suicide, that I'm not putting in my necessary Hishtadlus*. But I remain strong in my beliefs. So strong, in fact, that after a discussion with a friend in the same predicament as I find myself, Non-Daters, Incorporated was born. It started off as a spoken joke, nothing too serious. Then we designed the membership cards. (Note: THIS IS A JOKE!!! JUST A JOKE!!!)

Soon after came the Theme Song, featured at the top of this post. Now all we need is publicity... I can see it now. Billboards, ads in the Hamodia and Yated*, Frisbees with our name on it... hey, maybe we'll even advertise straight from Serandez!! The outcome would be astounding. Imagine, post-seminary girls using that flipped-out attitude to change the world instead of trying to secure a spot on the list of every boy still in The Freezer*. If we could get membership up... we could solve the "shidduch crisis" here and now! The first official meeting will be held at Ezzie's *new* apartment this coming Shabbos. Be there or be a parallelogram!

S.H.I.D.D.U.C.H. - Changing the world, one 18-year old seminary girl at a time.

Many thanks to Ezzie for all his help. (See, Ezzie- I didn't disclose which parts you helped with.)

* Glossary
Gadol Hador - spiritual leader of the generation
Shidduch - arranged date
Bashert - predestined marriage partner
Zoche to build a Bayis Ne'eman B'Yisrael - typical blessing given to newly engaged couples that they build an upstanding Jewish home
Hishtadlus - effort
Hamodia and Yated - two widely read Orthodox newspapers
The Freezer - ask Ezzie to explain