Continuing with my apparent theme, I had an interesting conversation with my friend last night after she came back from a date. After speaking with her, I realized that we could not be farther apart on our approaches to dating and the related emotions. On one side of the extreme - there is my friend. She comes back from the second date and says that she had a good time...but she has no idea where it is gonna go. Obviously in our world of dating the guys have all the power and whatever they say, goes. So I asked her if she would be upset if it ended after two dates? And her response told me that she really wouldn't care if it was over because she had invested almost nothing in the person.
Me, on the other hand, I am the COMPLETE opposite. I become emotionally attached to just about everything. Of course I know that this is a terrible way to go through life...it may not be healthy, etc. But this is who I am and I have learned how to live and deal with it. Not only that, I actually love being like this. I don't understand how people expect to connect to anyone if they don't give it everything they've got. And yes maybe you will get hurt, but I would rather be an emotional, passionate person sitting and crying locked up in a room for a week after a horrible break-up (don't worry, I never actually did that) than be someone who takes the opposite approach.
"I don't understand how people expect to connect to anyone if they don't give it everything they've got."
ReplyDeleteTrue, but if you did just that after one or two dates, your more than likely to scare off your date. Many know the feeling of the date whos super into you or every little thing you guys are doing way too early - this gives off the stalker/psycho impression. It should be a gradual process before "giving it all youve got."
I can totally relate to this. I also invest myself into just about everything - relationships, jobs, school - and so everything becomes magnified because I consider it - relationship, job, whatever - to be more important than perhaps it is.
ReplyDeleteYou?! Investing emotions into barely tangible events yet to happen!? No way! :P
ReplyDeleteAnyway, pretty much what Gagaboo said. The trick is that I think many people (yourself included) can't really "help it" so to speak, but at the same time, need to avoid that trick stalker/psycho level.
How do you do that yet still be yourself?
Ezzie, I am completely with you on this, infact, when my girfriend broke up with me, I DID cry all week. In the end, she came crawling back ;)
ReplyDeleteI disagree with the above comments (take THAT Ez). People who let themselves get invested date-wise early on do not get anywhere near stalker/psycho level, that's a fiction (let's get real).
ReplyDeleteHAIRsPrAY,
As one from the other side of the aisle believe me that your approach is far better. Most people hold themselves back early on either as form of protection or because they want to put on the "best possible" face (you have no idea the resraint involved in not turning that into a joke). This does not help anybody, least of all yourself as it does not allow for your true qualities to be seen; unless of course you are hiding bad ones, but I digress.
As Ezzie said, "How do you do that yet still be yourself?", I don't know that one can. Not to pick on your friend but just to use this as an abstract case, "she really wouldn't care if it was over because she had invested almost nothing in the person", sadly that lack of investment may be the reason for the poor return.
**I apologize for the (semi)serious nature of this comment**
"iCry Over Cookies"
ReplyDeletePlease don't cry, it just makes us all mushy ***RIMSHOT!!***
--there, now I feel better.
People who let themselves get invested date-wise early on do not get anywhere near stalker/psycho level, that's a fiction (let's get real).
ReplyDeleteHeh. I think that's true of guys more than girls. I've seen a few girls (and actually, even a guy or two) who got incredibly emotionally invested waaay too early. One guy who did it scared off the girl, certainly; a couple girls who did likely scared off guys.
However, in generaly, I will agree that those are exceptions rather than the rule, even among the very emotional.
sadly that lack of investment may be the reason for the poor return.
I think that's often true.
(Sorry, G, we basically agree. :P )
I've noticed recently that it has been the GUYS more than the GIRLS who have been complaining that the girls aren't being open about how they feel, which really hurts the relationship. Interesting, eh?
Please don't cry, it just makes us all mushy
ReplyDeleteLOLOLOL
Perhaps my apparent theme is cookies, and not dating/shidduchim.
ReplyDeleteMy bad.
But on the topic at hand -
G- I know you were not trying to pick on my friend. But I have full confidence that she wasn't negligent on her part. There is a difference to someone like her in "being yourself" and "investing all emotions". For me they are one in the same.
And I agree 100% that no one actually turns into a stalker. That's just ridiculous. Right ezzie? Do you know anyone like that?
Okay, so I feel obligated to disagree with you, G, as per Ezzie's instructions.
ReplyDeleteAs someone who overly invests herself into just about everything, I'd say that over-investment is not so good, because it sends your imagination into overdrive, and if something doesn't work out the way you wanted it to, it's very difficult to accept that fully. Because you have put so much of yourself into another person, if a relationship doesn't work out or it doesn't go in the direction you wanted it to, you have to undo all those feelings that you developed, which is WAY easier said than done. Your mind might know that the relationship won't work, but your heart won't accept it. People who are more passionate, and care more deeply about things quickly, will have a harder time pulling themselves out of things even if they know that it's not good for them.
I hope this made some sense.
iPay - I work with this one person...
ReplyDelete--(Sorry, G, we basically agree. :P )
ReplyDeleteSo we march on, I don't give up that easy
--I've noticed recently that it has been the GUYS more than the GIRLS who have been complaining that the girls aren't being open about how they feel, which really hurts the relationship. Interesting, eh?
Can't say, built in bias.
Only that, after a while, it is hard (for everyone, I'm sure) to always be "on" when the same things come up each time. Although that is usually a good sign, when even the standard convo's feel light and easy.
By the way, by Ezzie's instructions, I meant that he told me I should post my opinion. Not that he tells me exactly what to write :).
ReplyDeleteThere is a difference to someone like her in "being yourself" and "investing all emotions". For me they are one in the same.
ReplyDeleteAgreed and agreed. Are either "good", though?
Apple - While I think that makes a lot of sense, there's also the aspect of "if I constantly guard myself, then yeah I can't be let down, but I can't get far either." No?
I know that it was an aside in your post but what do you mean by "in our world of dating the guys have all the power and whatever they say goes."?
ReplyDeleteSeems to be pretty equal amount of 'power' to me....
Can't say, built in bias.
ReplyDeleteSo? This is a blog. It's all about biased opinions. (Think of it as the New York Times.)
Only that, after a while, it is hard (for everyone, I'm sure) to always be "on" when the same things come up each time. Although that is usually a good sign, when even the standard convo's feel light and easy.
I actually lost you on that one.
"I feel obligated to disagree with you, G, as per Ezzie's instructions"
ReplyDeleteAnd the judges take a point away..
pay2much/apple,
As I have told other people, pay no attention to Ezzie, he makes stuff up.
And the judges take a point away..
ReplyDeletepay2much/apple,
As I have told other people, pay no attention to Ezzie, he makes stuff up.
LOL what!?
Ezzie - well, yes. I don't think it's a good thing for someone to detach themselves to the point that the other person doesn't know if he/she cares about the relationship anymore or at all. Just that you shouldn't invest your emotions too early on, because you can end up hurting yourself . . . I speak from experience.
ReplyDelete-Only that, after a while, it is hard (for everyone, I'm sure) to always be "on" when the same things come up each time. Although that is usually a good sign, when even the standard convo's feel light and easy.
ReplyDelete--I actually lost you on that one.
It can be hard to show real interest and emotion when the topic is something that you have talked to death on countless previous occasions.
I don't think it's a good thing for someone to detach themselves to the point that the other person doesn't know if he/she cares about the relationship anymore or at all. Just that you shouldn't invest your emotions too early on, because you can end up hurting yourself . . . I speak from experience.
ReplyDeleteI wonder about that now. Obviously getting hurt stinks, and... well, hurts, but that doesn't mean it's the wrong way of going about it - unless you're jumping well ahead of where the relationship is. (?) It just means that it didn't work out as hoped - but at least you approached it the right way. (?)
Now I'm debating. Ah, where's G?!
-"I feel obligated to disagree with you, G, as per Ezzie's instructions"
ReplyDelete--And the judges take a point away..
---what!?
Boxing reference re: low blow 8X
It can be hard to show real interest and emotion when the topic is something that you have talked to death on countless previous occasions.
ReplyDeleteAh, I hear that completely. It's why people always get excited about the person who is "different", even if not for them per se... and get bored/think 'eh' about the ones who are great for them, just because so much isn't "new".
So what do you do about such a thing?
jt - What i mean by that is that there is a huge surplus of girls to guys in the dating world right now. This is what has been coined as the "shidduch crisis". Most single guys I speak to tell me that they get another 3 or 4 names a day and every girl sounds the same.
ReplyDelete(All said in a nasal heavy brooklyn acccent):
"She's amazing. She's gorgeous. Such a baalas chessed . She's comes from a great family (aka she's rich).
So the innocent girls who just want to marry a nice guy have to sit back and wait for these guys to have their arms twisted so that the phone will finally ring and for the shadchan to tell them that HE SAID YES!
But once were finally married, we know who has the real power :)
A lot blunt and sligtly exaggerated but you get the point.
LOL I meant what'd I say!?
ReplyDeleteG - lol! But also, then are you talking about a) thinking a lot about the other person to the extent that you develop feelings for them or b) putting your true self out there on a date - ie what you REALLY feel about a certain issue, or both?
ReplyDelete"So what do you do about such a thing?"
ReplyDeleteEasy. I'm a guy, I lie ;D
Seriously? Try and stay away from run of the mill topics, sometimes that means risking getting no answer or a combative one...In which case I go into full retreat and ask what school the brother is in.
Easy. I'm a guy, I lie ;D
ReplyDeleteSeriously? Try and stay away from run of the mill topics, sometimes that means risking getting no answer or a combative one...In which case I go into full retreat and ask what school the brother is in.
Funny, I think that's what I do in general. Not so bad for dating - saves a lot of time. :)
In all seriousness, does that work in "the scene"? Or does the shock value turn off the heilige ladies?
ReplyDelete(Perhaps more important, does that mean something to you.)
"heilige ladies"
ReplyDeleteHow would I know :)
I can't believe I missed this.
ReplyDelete"So the innocent girls..."
**tap-tap**tap**testing**testing**
HA!
wait, what was the question again?
ReplyDeleteTo be or not to be, that was the question.
ReplyDelete--see what I did there.
Ok, as usual, I only made it through a few of the comments before not being able to pay attention, but my two cents is this -
ReplyDeleteI've been quite scared off by guys who get too invested too quickly. A relationship is a process, and it takes time to emotionally invest and build the trust necessary to become emotionally invested in another person. Otherwise, the relationship is most likely not going to have a solid foundation. Things should build up naturally and emotions should develop with time as well. Personally, I think it's ok to not be sad if things don't go anywhere after two dates - the investment should not be in something that has given back so little so far (ok, that's the end of the financial metaphor, cuz I'm bored of it already).
To sum it up - slow and steady wins the race.
>To sum it up - slow and steady wins the race.
ReplyDeleteThen I guess the way some guy I know does it is completely wrong:
Points to his car keys and says to a girl "This is a porsche, wanna #@%$% ?
How would I know :)
ReplyDeleteI guess not so great. :P
In all seriousness (I know, I know...) what would you guess?
To sum it up - slow and steady wins the race.
Heh. I like the investment metaphor, actually. Some relationships have really good returns in the short term and you get really excited. And some even end up paying off long term, too, albeit more rarely.
But the best are usually the ones that build up slowly and steadily. Amen.
>Then I guess the way some guy I know does it is completely wrong:
ReplyDeletePoints to his car keys and says to a girl "This is a porsche, wanna #@%$% ?
Wrong? Well, what does the girl usually answer...
--I kid,I kid
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDelete"Obviously in our world of dating the guys have all the power and whatever they say, goes."
ReplyDeleteyou're only focusing on being said no to, and not being the one to say no.
Why Ezzie of course its easy for you to talk in this situation- G talks of being bias- who invests hours upon hours daily (and nightly and wee hours of the morning and the cycle continues) into hearing about the lives of others, getting emotionally tied up in it, not sleeping, eating a lot, writing about those peoples lives and crisis, having those people write about it, asking everyone to post their opinion on the situation in an open forum.... the same person who cried like a pregnant woman pees (sorry), when his now wife told him she needed a brake of a couple days, a small hiatus just to look back and asses the very fast speed dating that they were doing, the one who said ill get back to you in a few days, i just need a breather, but i do love you... ill see ya in a couple days and the boy ( i say boy and not man) cried like a weeping willow. For he was so emotionally involved that it was so hard for him to separate himself from the situation. He locked himself up into a room for days and cried over more than cookies....
ReplyDeleteok- in all fairness the bottom situation was a bit of a fable, but it was funny, however the top example still stands- for the most emotionally involved in others lives and opinions, blogger i know (well thats what makes you a blogger and pays the bills). But it was funny, that for a slight moment everyone thought you cried for your mommy over a girl. However I pay 2 much was right that after you got married- who's the BOSS!
ReplyDeleteKnowing a person for a while before actually starting to date really helps with not not leaving the stalker impression. You can invest everything into friendship, which is totally socially accepted (or a very intense online interchange, which is how these things work anyway, dating or not!) and by the time you get to dating, a certain level of commitment is very natural. { Not that *I* would know anything about this. Ahem.)
ReplyDelete:) - Huh?
ReplyDeleteIrina - You can invest everything into friendship, which is totally socially accepted
While that approach is great, it's not so socially accepted in some circles, and therefore a bit of a problem.
:) -
ReplyDeleteI think we just entered the twilight zone.
I've noticed recently that it has been the GUYS more than the GIRLS who have been complaining that the girls aren't being open about how they feel, which really hurts the relationship. Interesting, eh?
ReplyDeleteI have been noticing that guys expect girls to open up very quickly, like on a 3rd date. Well, I'm sorry if I can't bare my soul to someone that I have just met. Guy need to understand that they have to let all that come naturally. And also, to take girls on dates that are conducive to opening up. Sorry, but batting cages is not the spot where I am going to share my deep, dark emotions with you.
SaraK - LOL. Though to be fair, the guys I'm referring to were talking about a month in, a lot of dates, and not in batting cages... :)
ReplyDelete