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Sunday, May 17, 2009

Romantic Sparks

(Hat tip: RK) There is a very interesting piece in The Jewish Star this week titled Romantic Sparks, and it is written by Michael J. Salamon, Ph.D.*

Some excerpts:
...Some have suggested that, in the Orthodox world, we simply do not believe in romance, as real love supposedly happens only after marriage. While in many ways this is true, we are often left without defining just what that means. [...] Unfortunately, there have been some changes to the system in recent years that have led to rising stress in a process that should contain both fun and excitement despite the seriousness of the goal.

Increasingly, in virtually all shades of orthodoxy, both men and women are segregated from one another even when it is unwarranted. This separation has led to a fear of socializing, a form of stage fright or anticipatory anxiety that causes young daters to not know how to act in a socially acceptable fashion with one another. I hear them talking about the “magic” of the opposite sex as if it were a truism, a fact that in order to understand how to even talk with one another they must unravel a secret magical code. While there should be magic, it is not of this type.

Even after marriage there is often a dearth of appropriate communication between the spouses. [...] more and more young marrieds are divorcing with the primary complaint that they simply did not know each other at the time of marriage and do not understand one another once married. [...]

When we add to this mix the volatility that comes from being overindulged and overprotected well into the late teens and early twenties, we are left with young men and women who feel no need to even try to get to know anyone else. Many of our young men and women have placed themselves on a pedestal and want to marry someone who can keep them there, even in financially troubling times. The goal then is not a warm, affectionate, supportive relationship but a selfish, egocentric one. Who needs a romantic relationship with a spouse or even friendship with a spouse, as long as you get what you want?

There actually is somewhat of a scientific formula for the magic that causes the spark of romance. [...]

He then goes on to talk about just how it all works, and emphasizes that The natural process of romance develops in stages beginning with learning how to socialize and proceeding from there. Let us allow young adults to find one another so they might develop the friendship so necessary to a successful marriage.

When I was in WITS, during one of our STAMPs (Senior Torah And Mussar Perspectives) where we discuss issues that can come up in life, I recall the primary drawback of a non-coeducational school system being almost exactly this. The Rosh Yeshiva who was giving the STAMP emphasized strongly that this is not something to be underestimated: A complete lack of interaction with the opposite sex can lead to serious problems down the road.

What seemed especially interesting was that near the end of the piece, Dr. Salamon specifically states that "young adults" should be the ones finding one another to develop the friendships necessary to a successful marriage. While I've yet to see much that shows a significant academic advantage to a co-educational school growing up (in fact some public schools are switching to a separate education), and I question why frum people would send their teenagers to coed sleepaway camps, somehow this extreme "separate" mindset continues on even into adulthood.

I don't understand the extreme measures young adults sometimes take to avoid talking to the opposite sex, from not wishing to have meals with them (ever) or similar practices simply because they view it as improper in some way. One would think that by the time people are looking to get married, they would be mature enough to have meals with and converse with the opposite sex and gain from those experiences, which will only help them later on (if not offering them the chance to meet someone who may be good for them), rather than view them as unapproachable, incomprehensible, and "wrong" to talk to.

At the same time, I don't understand why people take this to the opposite extreme either, constantly trying to force people into coed situations. Yes, sometimes people could use a little encouragement, but there is no need for every meal to have numerous members of each sex, nor for someone to spend every available moment of free time with a crowd of each.

What's so hard about balance, anyway?

* According to the
Star, Dr. Salamon, a Fellow of the American Psychological Association, is the founder and director of the Adult Developmental Center in Hewlett, NY. He is the author of numerous articles and several psychological tests. His most recent book, “The Shidduch Crisis: Causes and Cures,” is published by Urim Publications.

10 comments:

  1. What's so hard about balance, anyway?

    What are you, Maimonedes? There's no room for balance in Torah Judaism! ;-)

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  2. While cute, that's just it. The Rambam had it perfectly when it came to balance.

    I saw Angels & Demons last night (very well done, actually), and the old cliche rings true, well said in the movie (not quoting exactly): It is Man who tends to "ruin" religion to an extent, because Man is not perfect.

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  3. Man invented religion. (Even you must admit man invented most of 'em!)

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  4. As someone who grew up with "balance", I'm going to have to disagree with you. I did not go to a co-ed sleepaway camp, or even a coed high school, but I wasn't restricted from mingling with girls after school. Some of my closest friends were girls from the neighborhood and when I went to college, I chose to go to a coed college over a men only one. While there were always barriers between the genders, we certainly weren't totally separated.

    Being that this is a public forum, I can't go into detail, but let me just say that this has its effects. Fact of the matter is that G-d created men with a very strong drive, one that is hard to resist, and even if you're "just friends" with someone, you can sometimes have inappropriate thoughts about her. Even just a simple exchange with a college classmate would sometimes cause me to sin. I don't think that I'm a worse person than most--I think that I'm just being more honest than many would be about this.

    I'm married now and have chosen to raise my children a bit differently. My kids go to more yeshivish schools where mingling with members of the opposite sex is not considered acceptable. We don't let our sons and daughters have friends over at the same time, though it's more an unspoken, obvious rule than one that we make a big scene about. I want to spare my children the temptations that I was exposed to and failed to resist.

    I trust that they will know how to interact with their spouses when the time comes. I have both boys and girls and they get along very well with each other. While I realize that that's not the same as a marriage relationship, I think that it will help them to an extent and that their generally good midos will contribute a lot to their relationships with their spouses.

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  5. JA - (shrug) I'm only talking about one of them.

    Anon - Again, I'll emphasize "young adults", and I don't see a need for constant coed - merely an ability and willingness to converse and relate to members of the opposite sex.

    I want to spare my children the temptations that I was exposed to and failed to resist.

    I trust that they will know how to interact with their spouses when the time comes.
    To be very honest, that's a worrisome statement. A very closed off approach can lead to issues, as my Rebbe was noting. That said...

    I have both boys and girls and they get along very well with each other. While I realize that that's not the same as a marriage relationship, I think that it will help them to an extent and that their generally good midos will contribute a lot to their relationships with their spouses.Agreed on both counts. One thing I noticed a number of years ago in Israel was that among my Charedi cousins, the family with the older kids (my age and close to it) of both sexes seemed to do a very good job of relating to one another, and the daughters felt completely comfortable talking to me even though I was a) not their brother and b) not charedi at all. In families where the siblings are not close/do not really talk well to one another, I see more issues relating to the opposite sex. It's interesting.

    And of course, middos will always play a major role; that said, I've seen people with wonderful middos struggle in relationships/marriage not because they treat each other poorly, but because they simply don't have the social skills necessary to relate to/understand the other as they should/need, and (an underrated factor) they have trouble simply making conversation with their significant other's friends.

    But middos are most important in general. Hatzlacha!!

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  6. Anon, I wonder if the temptations would have been there, or maybe even have been stronger had you not any opportunity to relate to the opposite sex.

    Moderation, chinuch, and honesty with my kids is the way I try to handle things.

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  7. A note on how far some people go to separate the sexes: Someone who lived on the same street I did in Passaic told me that she was probably going to send her son to dorm in yeshiva because they are "heavy with girls." She meant that at home her son would be surrounded by sisters. It's possible that she took this as a cautionary measure to keep her son out of reach of his sisters' friends, but at the time, it came across that even sisters can be considered a breach of mingling. And it is true that it is considered a good thing to send boys away to dorm; some people even send their sons to a dorm when they live less than 2 miles away from the yeshiva.

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  8. Baila - I wonder the same about strength without any opportunity. Or, if you think how someone reacts despite dealing with it on a regular basis, then how much worse would it be if they're finally facing this only when they start dating? That can lead to serious confusion.

    Ariella - While I think dorms are good for other reasons, that's really interesting.

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  9. What's so hard about balance, anyway?.

    Don't be silly. If we were all balanced, we'd have nothing to fight about!

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  10. I forgot to add--

    And then where would we be?

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