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Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Just Go Out and See

Good, interesting posts out there worth pondering, following up from this post:

The Apple is frustrated:
But you know what else is true in dating? People don’t want the really outgoing ones either. People don’t want intensity. They don’t want passion. They want “reasonably outgoing.” Not too shy, but not too loud either. Definitely not someone with opinions, who doesn’t have qualms about putting them out there. [...]

...I know that those are qualities that need to be worked on and can sometimes be unpleasant to others. But I just wish people would look past that and see that I’m like that because I care about things, because I’m passionate about the world, because I feel deeply about justice and honesty, instead of just seeing it as “insulting” and “relentless” and “high standards.”
Meanwhile, YD addresses another aspect of flipping out and how it touches on dating:
This has created a "list" phenomenon in the dating scene: How many times a day does she daven? How many hours a day does he learn? How does he or she dress? Does he watch movies? Does she watch TV?

Why has this happened? Well if your you have one major criteria, and that major criteria is easy to apply to every scenario, then all you need is a piece of paper and and a pen, and you can make many of your life decisions based on straight-forward factual information. [...]

There has also been a spill-over effect to non-religious factors: Is she loud? Is he friendly? Is she smart? Is he funny? What does he do? What does she do? Where did he go to school? Where is she in college?

Although these are all factors that can affect a relationship, they have little to do with what makes a relationship. What makes a person right for you is that they are right for you, and you'll never know unless you give them a chance. I think that very often, those who have the practice to investigate shidduchim and then say no because of certain factors, are making a huge mistake. They are looking for someone that peaks their interest or at least keeps them in their comfort zone, but they may be passing on a tremendous opportunity.

This is also why I hate having to describe a person for shidduch purposes. I know that the person I'm talking to is waiting for some fact or some description that's gonna make them say "Wow! I really want to date this person!" And if I can't provide that tidbit, the potential just becomes a name on a list for emergency purposes. Again, what makes a person good for you is that they are good for you, period. The only way to find out is to give someone a chance.

Once again, I cannot overemphasize that I strongly feel people would be much better off skipping all the questions and just going out on a date. I have yet to see anyone make the argument (and prove) that asking questions and rejecting people in advance has led to an overall better dating experience by somehow weeding out "bad" dates and leaving them with predominantly "good" ones. If anything, questions only lead people to reject people (who may or may not be good for them) and form either an overly high expectation of the date or given them a list of things to be wary of. Friends and shadchanim don't help this much, either (and I'm sure I'm just as guilty of this).

Just go out and see for yourself. What's so wrong with that?!

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