Guest post by YH
When I got back into shidduchim last year, there was one rule first and foremost in my mind: I’m looking to get married not to play games. One of my goals in marriage is to find the happiness that comes from stability, and it’s hard to be happy when you have this huge gaping hole in your life. It’s hard to look at the positives when you see such a big negative. It’s hard to enjoy yourself when all you want to do is lie down and indulge in self-pity. We’ve all had something which makes us feel incredibly lousy. It’s the essence of the shidduch crisis. The crisis isn’t that there are thousands of unmarried men and women who desire strongly to have kids and raise a family. The crisis is you and me. It’s a personal crisis shared by thousands.
I know what it means to hold a baby in your arms, to teach a child to read, to show little ones right from wrong. Boruch Hashem, I’ve been blessed with several ridiculously cute nephews and nieces (kn’ayin harah) whom I treasure more than anything and who love me back unconditionally. Boruch Hashem I have a close relationship with my married siblings, and I have a glimpse on the world “inside”.
It’s the hardest thing for me in the world.
How can you maintain a balance, an equilibrium, when every day you’re constantly reminded that you’re still alone, that you’re still single - especially in our culture which is centered around family life? How can you maintain yourself with rejection after rejection; to see your optimism and self-confidence crumble into dust?
Take some time off. Indulge a little in your self-pity. Don’t feel guilty; just let it wash over yourself. Watch a movie, hang out with a friend. Do something that will let you just relax. Then think it through – remember what your life is about. The life I want has a wife and a family. Children of my own. But that’s not the life Hashem gave me, not yet, and I have no business wallowing when there is so much out there for me. Grab life by the horns. Kick yourself back into high-gear, make a goal for yourself, and then follow the steps necessary to accomplish it. Start exercising, drop a few pounds, ditch the raggedy sweater with the nacho stains and get a nice shirt or a new tie. Make yourself feel better about being you, and start being proactive. Everyone has a bad day once in a while. It’s ok to be crazy.
But only for a day.