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Tuesday, August 28, 2012

Standards

In the previous post, Walking Away from Judaism, many of the commenters took the post to be about Judaism's own standards, and began heated debates on the subject. While interesting, it was not the focal point of the post, nor was it what was being driven at. 

Growing up, I was always told that Jews were honest, good people. I was told this by Jews, but I was also told this by gentiles. They trusted the Jews, because we were trustworthy, and we were honest. We would treat them fairly and treat one another fairly. This was still true as I got older, too - it was the Jews who would tell cashiers if they were given too much change, it was the Jews who would go out of their way to help others - whether the person being helped was Jewish or not.

Today... this is simply not the view. When numerous people were defending criminals in the Orthodox community in a situation I was directly impacted by, it was the gentiles who had lost tens of thousands of dollars from those criminals who were the biggest menschen about it. Others have told us similar stories of Jews acting horribly, while the non-Jews involved performed well beyond the call of duty. The gentiles in the first story not only were incredibly kind and pleasant, meeting up with some of us afterward and being genuinely great people, but they even went beyond and tried to help a couple people who were struggling to find something to get a job. Meanwhile, in the community, people told those struggling that they should be thankful a criminal gave them a job for a year. Another friend was upended from a teaching job in a Jewish day school where he was performing wonderfully, because an administrator was rubbed the wrong way. Another administrator said it wasn't right, that he would fight for him... so the school held his own job over his head. He kept quiet. The only one to speak up? The non-Jewish general studies teacher who worked with him, who wrote a glowing recommendation, noting that what was being done was just wrong.

What happened? When did our community become so... horrible? We used to have standards of decency; expectations of how people act, a dedication to honesty and integrity, and an understanding of what the best way of doing things was. Now, we have nothing - no standards, no expectations, no honesty, and certainly no good approach of how to do things. We cannot continue in the direction we are going, or there will be nothing left worth salvaging. When, indeed, did we become so horrible? And, more importantly, what can we do about it?

I don't have a solution. But it certainly needs to start from within - we need to care about our standards. We need to care when people don't live up to them. People can't simply ignore the negative issues that surround them constantly. The more people speak up about the little things, the more it may begin to have an impact on all issues. It's time to start living up to our own standards.

33 comments:

  1. Absolutely true, Ezzie. I know orthodox Jews have a tendency to sweep "problems" under the rug, but it seems to be getting so much worse with white collar crimes and of course, molestation. I don't know if it's financial pressure in the American orthodox community or something else, but it's not a good path.

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    1. Amen. Aren't you glad to have moved away!? :)

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    2. Glad doesn't even come close to describing it :)

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  2. I am so glad that I left Judaism. I now follow Yahadut.

    I invite you all to come home to Eretz Yisrael, leave the embarrassing Exile Jewish antics behind, and start serving Hashem properly.

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    1. Sir, with all due respect, if you think everyone in Eretz Yisrael serves Hashem properly, you are either blind or delusional. I could name you instance after instance of "religious" Jews in the Holy Land making chilulei Hashem left and right. "Exile Judaism", as you call it, is definitely alive and while on the opposite side of the pond.

      I am not denying that E"Y is where all Jews ultimately belong. I've personally just come over myself. But to claim that moving to E"Y will solve the problems of the collective Jewish community is highly disingenuous.

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    2. Moving to Israel solves the problem, because you are free to move away from the Galut Jews who still practice Galut Judaism, without any loss of features or services.

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    3. Anonymous, you seem to have completely missed my point, which was that there are MANY Jews in Eretz Yisrael who still practice what you would call "Galut Judaism". Moving to Israel doesn't solve all of our community's problems.

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    4. Scraps, you missed my point. You can easily move away from such Jews in Israel, and not suffer any negative consequences. In America, you are stuck with them.

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  3. Did we evolve to this point by absorbing outside attitudes, or was it by becoming smug about our spiritual and material success? Look around; so many of our publications and pronouncements radiate smugness.

    What do individuals who have thought about this and have become energized to set things right actually do in the face of the evident cultural degradation? Step one is personal teshuvah but the very necessary step two may be to seek out the best examples of principled, effective leaders, or to become those leaders.

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    1. Great point about the smugness, but is the smugness a cause or a symptom? I'd think that the smugness is to project that idea of Jews living at a higher level, while it misses that we used to have that status because we held ourselves to higher standards.

      Agreed on step one; and agreed on step two, though the difficulty is in going about doing so.

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    2. I was just thinking about this--about smugness--but was uncertain if I was just being prejudiced based on my own feelings about certain things I have observed (again, perhaps with a prejudiced and guarded point of view). Seeing two other people noticing smugness as well, I now know it is at least not entirely my personal feelings praying on my imagination.

      I am trying to be careful when writing this because I only know who I know and I have observed much that I do not fully feel right about, but it seems to me that there is a lack of interpersonal skills within Orthodoxy. Not only have I noticed a lack of interpersonal skills, but I have also observed a somewhat skewed sense of moral purpose--where people focus so much more on the minute details of certain areas of religious practice than they do on strengthening their sense of the wider role of Jewish people within the world and on interacting with other Jews and with the rest of the world in a positive fashion. Does this make sense?

      I think if we ('we' being the general Orthodox community) learned to truly respect other people--and all people are God's creations! Even nonreligious Jews and non-Jews!--, we would naturally tend to behave better towards them.

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    3. And by the way, this is why the smugness is a big issue. Because we are trying to maintain an image that is not truly there, so we have to be smug to cover up our moral deficiencies. That, and shove our community problems into the closet.

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    4. Read the Chosen or other such Jewish books. There is nothing new about the "smugness" in the New York Jewish behavior.

      I think the only difference between the old days, and now, is that the "Non-frum" Jews were still felt as part of the kehila and their actions reflected on the actions of the "frummies", now there are no such stories to tell children.

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  4. I think it's indeed due to material success that some people have become complacent and are not acting as they should. We know ther right thing to do, and most of us do the right thing, but it's truly shocking about the ones who make the news. And the ones who try to cover up molestation and rip off their fellow Jews and citizens are truly reprehensible. And then the "leaders" of the community hide behind the past practices of not reporting to the police!

    Somehow, "time wounds all heels," and somehow the guilty will face judgment. If these people think they represent Orthodox (or any!) Judaism, it's time to disabuse them of this. The bad apples need to be exposed and punished, and the community as a whole needs to reassess where we are and how we have allowed things to move us away from where we should be.

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  5. I think what ruined us is the fight to be perfect.

    Perfect student, perfectly dressed, polite, friendly helpful etc. and all of this would matter only if you're from a good family and in the right school, otherwise you might as well be on drugs..what difference does it make then?

    No one can be perfect or come from a perfect background , so if you've got the right attire something else will inevitably be wrong .

    I have also often written that nowadays any form of entertainment is frowned upon , from sports to video games to attending shows or visit museums.

    I wonder how long until Pïzza places will loose their teuda if boys supposed to be learning are hanging there .

    Considering this, how does one not go crazy with boredom, disillusion etc..

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  6. There is religious belief and conviction, and there is culture. How many people can really say that they find daily inspiration from their faith?

    It is this daily inspiration that drives the faithful to live a life that reflects their greater values.

    This why organizations like Ohr Naavah are so popular. This is why I chose to daven in a "shannah aleph" style yeshiva. Being surrounded by people who are discovering and rediscovering faith keeps one inspired.

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  7. In my graduate school, there is a goy approached me and speaking bad things about Ultra Orthodox. I asked him for more details on what he observed in this community. Most of time he was right and I acknowledged him but at the same time I defend my people. It is my nature to protect my people HOWEVER if I was talking to Jewish people/my community we had no problem to speak bad things about "other" jews. This goy told me he also discussed with other Jewish girl in my graduate school. I spoke to this Jewish girl and she completed agreed with him and didn't defend her own people (she is very religious Jews). I think we need to start protect our people from goyim's world to show we do have high standard on ourselves. Of course we need to start saying nice things about "other" Jews among Jewish people. Lashon Hara is getting out of the hand. I am not saying we should ignore the problems among Jewish population like molestation or stealing. But starting saying nice things about "other" jews. That is a good start to do that. What do you think?

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  8. To clarify something: I am modern orthodox and this Jewish girl is modern yeshivah but not Ultra Orthodox

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  9. It's axiomatic that Torah study should teach us proper attitudes that make us approach HaShem and each other in the right spirit. When that spirit is lacking, it points back to learning that lacks some essential element. The Mussar movement, Chassidus and our other revival movements supplied missing pieces of the puzzle. I think Ezzie senses that some pieces have gone missing again.

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  10. It is good to bring these issues up - but it doesn't really matter why all these things are happening- I personally think it has to do with Yeridat Hadorot and also to the fact that we know everything right away even though there may have been many wrong things going on before that weren't known by so many people!!!- and the fact that money has become soch an important thing that people will do anything to act as though they are making it - even if they aren't (I, B"H, live in EY and as Rav Orlewick, SHlita once said - in EY a poor man is just that - a man who is poor - but in the USA a poor man is barleu a man anymore!!!

    The ,most important thing is to make sure WE r straight instead of looking to point a finger as to what is not OK in the community and IMHO, this is the reason that things MUST be "aired out" in public - to make sure individuals are working on thmeselves and are Mechanech their children the right way

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  11. The truth is, I don't think anything has really changed, and I think the truth of why the majority of Jews don't associate with "frum" communities is being made more clear.

    These things used to be able to be kept hidden and covered and stories were told about how great and moral people we were.

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  12. "Religion has become one thing and life another. And THATS a fracture Judiasim can not afford". Chief Rabbi Sachs.

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  13. Man, you would be miserable in just about any community you chose to live in.

    Are there "issues" in the frum community? Yes, there always were and there always will be. We are all human. We are not perfect angels. Is that what you expect from ALL frum people at all times?

    Its just completely naive, unrealistic and stupid, frankly. Every simgle country, people, community, religion has bad people, problems from within and they all (mostly) try to fix the wrongs and move forward, not kvetch about it

    For the most part, it seems to me as someone who stradles the frum world and goyish american world, we got it pretty good with all our faults (including the thruthiness of our beliefs)

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  14. KSIL- You are wrong. Ezzie recently had the privilege of being out of NY for a weekend. He asked his host, if they agreed that OOT places wouldn't put up with the "crap" that has happened to him in the past few years. The host agreed that though this stuff does happen out of ny, people don't put up with it, most of the "criminals" in that community, left, be it out of their own volition or not. They knew that if they stayed they would have to look straight into the eyes of all the people they wronged. It's called shame and embarrassment, and no one in that community was going to put up with it. For the record, we were quite happy there- no one was at all miserable.

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    1. So, our community is "horrible" becasue of a couple of experiences ezzie had? (which i cant decipher from this incoherent post at all)

      We dont have any "standards of decency"? no "honesty and integrity"? No "good approach of how to do things"?? We "ignore negative issues"??

      man o man, talk about a drama queen! throwing the baby out with the bath water becasue of a coulpe of bad apples!! sheesh.

      step back and look at the big picure.

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  15. Firstly, you are the only one here as you put it "kvetching" and acting as a "Drama Queen". I was simply making a point, you decided to go ballistic. Second- no-one said that ALL our standards are gone, or that we have no honesty or integrity. There are definitely good and honest people out there. But that's the sad part, they are few and far between. It used to be that this is how we all were. Maybe it was taken for granted so people stopped- who knows, the point is, it should be the overwhelming majority and it isn't. Ezzie didn't write this post as a crying fest because he was hurt. He is looking out for the greater good. Many of his experiences affected a large number of people, a lot of them in the community. You are missing the major point. What was hurtful and wrong and dishonest etc were not the experiences themselves, rather how people in the community reacted (or didn't react)that's what was dishonest. That no-one had the integrity to stand- up and say what was going on was wrong. Community leaders did not speak out about it. No organizations got together to help those in their community affected. We are looking at the big picture, you are missing the point, nit- picking details from the post, and then getting upset- calm down, and re-read what was written, and stop the "kvetching".

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  16. nice job turning that around on me! you should go into politics.

    but seriously, i am critisizing a post that is kvetching. i am not kvetching. i am not going ballistic.

    further, this beating around the bush does no one any good. either come out and say what the heck you are talking about, name names, right a wrong - or keep it to yourself about how horrible everyone around you is acting(except you, of course)

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  17. There is no reason to re-hash the past events. Whomever needs to understand and know, does and whomever doesn't, doesn't. You don't need to feel bad that you were left out, but don't attack on the basis that you are upset that noone is giving you details.

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    1. i think you are mixed up. there is one person attacking here, and he is attacking without explaining who or what or when or why or how....just attacking.

      thats horrible

      either come out and say what you mean, or keep this to yourself

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  18. this "he" is not attacking. He is simply relaying facts that happened. They have been talked about in past posts so there is no reason to detail again. If you are so curious, email Ezzie personally, but please don't make comments such as "Its just completely naive, unrealistic and stupid, frankly","Man, you would be miserable in just about any community you chose to live in", as well as other comments, when you have no idea, as you state what Ezzie or his community has even gone through.

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  19. Ezzie, I think that IS the point. Jews by and large are good and moral people. The percentage of "bad Jews" that do horrible things are much smaller percentage-wise than that of other ethnic groups. That said, no group as a whole is perfect, and we Jews are no exception. When something bad happens it becomes more noticed due to the higher standards imposed on us.

    This can best be described by two shirts. One is colored and one is white. The white one is "purer" and the colored one accepts colorful "stains" on it already. When a tiny stain goes on a white shirt, it's very very noticeable. When a larger stain goes on a colored shirt, especially when the stain color blends with the color of the shirt, it's not nearly as noticeable.

    As a whole I'd like to still believe that overall we are a moral people with high standards. The problem is that we live with our own kind and therefore are more intimately involved with the nuances that plague our people. However, if you want to see how we are regarded from the outside, ask any "normal" Christian or Muslim today how they see Jews that follow the Torah and Mitzvos. You will see that by and large they look up to us and don't necessarily see what we see.

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  20. :breathing in deeply:
    This must be what it's like for an ex-smoker to walk past a group of people lighting up.

    :breathing deeper: whoa, feeling a little light headed. time to go, carry on.

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