SerandEz & Friends: July 2009

Thursday, July 30, 2009

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

I was at a business meeting yesterday morning at a (quite fancy) law office with a few other people, all with different interests. We quickly realized that all six of us were Jewish. Near the end of the meeting, we expressed an interest in having the presenter meet with our boss, and while trying to figure out what day, the presenter noted that he would be uncomfortable meeting Thursday: "Though I'm in no way religious, I just don't feel that meeting on Tisha B'av is a good idea." I noted to my friend that our boss also had said no meetings on Thursday, and the others commented "Good for him!"

Meanwhile...

R' Gil with a fantastic post, drawing from his own recent experiences and conversations at a reunion for his Solomon Schechter day school class.
I liked this Orthonomics post, culling from this past week's haftorah:
"Hear the word of Hashem, O chiefs of Sodom; give ear to the Torah of or G-d, O people of Gemorrah. [...] You shall not continue to bring a worthless meal-offering--incense of abomination is it unto Me; [New] Moon and Sabbath, calling of convocation, I cannot abide mendacity with assemblage. Your [New] Moons and your appointed festivals, My soul hates; they have become a burden upon Me [that] I am weary of bearing. And when you spread your hands [in prayer], I will hide My eyes from you; even if you were to increase prayer, I do not hear; your hands are full of blood. Wash yourselves, purify yourselves, remove the evil of your doings from before My eyes; desist from doing evil. Learn to do good, seek justice, strengthen the victim, do justice for the orphan, take up the cause of the widow."

"Your princes are wayward and associates of thieves; the whole of them loves bribery and pursue [illegal] payments; for the orphan they do not do justice, the cause of the widow does not come unto them."

Chana blasts the idea of "performing" gender in her Sex & Gender Roles class. Nice.
Bad4 notes the silliness of the shidduch world in having someone random "set it up" when two people meet and there's an interest in dating.
Finally! Someone bottles tap water and sells it. I love this.
The Daas Torah blog notes an interesting piece in the NYTimes on how soldiers' hunches save their lives, and how they're trying to study it.
He also has a very interesting piece on informing on others to a just government.
WBM on another Times' piece (clearly accepting Peace Now data) on 'settlements'.
ProfK laments that "Off the Derech" is the term used by some to denote "switching off my derech".
After reading this piece from CBS, I can't help but wonder if people feel more betrayed by an informant or by leaders who do horrible things. (Related)

May this week bear better news...

Sunday, July 26, 2009

[+/-]

Past Halfway

Friday, July 24, 2009

[+/-]

Warning Others

Thursday, July 23, 2009

[+/-]

Hiding the Yarmulke

A friend once told me, with some pride, that although her uncle had done his “exploration” thing as a young adult, he never left off the levush.

(Side question: has it become a normal thing for chassidish guys to go off the derech for a few years between their teens and twenties? Like the Amish right of passage?)

My reaction was not exactly what she’d been expecting. I was horrified.

“You’re saying he was in strip clubs with his peyos and yarmulke and tzitzis hanging out?” What a splendid representative of our people. I argued that to the contrary, he should have disguised himself as a non-Jew, so he might recognize that he was not behaving as his garb demanded. And at the same time, he won’t be giving others the wrong impression of what religious Jews are like.

A colleague once tried to wheedle me into trying some non-kosher snack. “You don’t really keep it seriously,” he said knowingly. “I know. There was this guy – with the thing on his head and the strings - who used to come into my uncle’s store and buy this high end Dutch yogurt. It wasn’t kosher. He told my uncle he kept kosher for everything, but he had to have his yogurt. Don’t you ever do that?” I heartily wished the man had taken off his yarmulke and tucked in his tzitzis before buying his yogurt, and kept his mouth shut to boot.

Of course, that technique isn’t always perfect. Some guy got mad about my driving in Boro Park. The details aren’t important, because when it comes to driving, the other guy is always the idiot. Anyway, he pulls up to the red light, gets out of his car, and comes over to harangue me. I gaze at his livid face impassively until he gives up and gets back in his car. That’s when I noticed that his hand, which was behind his back while he delivered his diatribe, was holding his yarmulke. He had enough shame to try to hide his Jewishness while being a jerk. I appreciated the gesture, though it would have been more effective if he could have removed his beard, and maybe changed from his white shirt and black pants.

But that’s the thought process we should be going through whenever we start to do something not completely straight. “Do I need to take off my yarmulke for this?” is a good question to ask when planning a new escapade. And if the answer is “Yes,” then please, do yourself and your nation a favor - drop it.

[+/-]

Update on Rabbis and Money Laundering Scam

[+/-]

Rabbis, Mayors Arrested in Money Laundering Scam

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

[+/-]

EZ Reads 7/22/09: Learning

You never realize how much you have to learn until you start learning it. You also never realize just how much you can already do from common sense and what you do know until you start trying it. It's quite interesting how even if one implicitly knows this, it's still a bit of a surprise once the person is faced with it. And now, for some good readin':

Chana with her guide on how to treat a woman. Interesting.
Jewboy has a kollel conundrum.
If I could do anything I wanted to, perhaps I would stay in yeshiva, at least for half the day. I am often left wondering how people that stay in kollel make it. How does someone who learns full time, has more kids than I do, and whose wife is marginally employed at best make a living? How does such a person afford to own a home in the inflated Jewish neighborhood and send their kids to school? The numbers just don't add up. And yet I personally know multiple people like this. My family was at an event recently. A young mother with at least 4 children emerged from a beautiful, spacious home and apologized that her husband would be late because he was "still in the kollel." How is it possible? I could not afford their house with my wife and I working decent jobs.
A sad post at ProfK about a couple divorcing after 44 years... primarily because of pressures from their descendants to keep working hard to support them. Now the (higher-earning) wife is an outcast to all but the self-sufficient child for wanting to wind down her work, against the wishes of the husband and other kids. I hope we're not in for more of these - or grandparents and great-grandparents who feel pressured to continue working to support the lifestyles of their families.
NMF#7 with an interesting post on writing, as she finishes reading a novel written by a girl younger than herself. As she notes, it pays to stop waiting and try doing.
A very thought-provoking post by the Rebbetzin on the challenges of being non-Orthodox. When there's no Reform school in town, raising kids isn't quite as simple.
An important history on the kashrus of Coca-Cola at Hirhurim. Important, yes, because it's Coke! V'hamaven Yavin.
The Cavs switch to paperless ticketing, something I think is brilliant. The most interesting aspect: They had 5-6% less no-shows by switching over, as people could more easily transfer tickets to friends or others if they couldn't make it.

[+/-]

R' Kanievsky Refuses Bracha to Traffic Offender

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

[+/-]

Abuse Letters

There is an important new blog that was recently created called Abuse Letters. These are letters written by victims of abuse in the frum community to the Orthodox public. Please take a few minutes to bookmark the blog, add it to your RSS feed, and most importantly, read the letters that have been posted so far. The first letter was published (albeit very edited - please read the original) in the Yated; the second in The Jewish Star. I'm posting parts of the third letter here as an example.

Dear Mommy and Tatty,
You've probably been unable to escape the grim reality that's been darkening the pages of the various frum publications recently. You probably read the editorials, interviews and letters about the heart wrenching issue of abuse in our communities with a mixture of shock and horror. Then you turn the page and say "Baruch Hashem this isn't MY problem."

Dear Mommy and Tatty,
What would you say if I would tell you that these things are more your problem than you can imagine. What would you say if I would tell you that these things happen in your very own family? What would you say if I would tell you that my cousin, your nephew, had abused me....your daughter?

It probably hurts you to hear that your daughter is suffering, that your daughter is going through this nisayon, and she doesn't feel safe enough to tell you. Believe me Mommy and Tatty, it hurts me so much more. You think the two of us are close mommy? Believe me, the distance between us is far greater than you could ever imagine.

Dear Mommy and Tatty,
I am the model daughter, the catch in shidduchim. I'm sure it doesn't occur to you where I go each week, does it? Mommy, Tatty, I go to therapy. Yes, me, your perfect daughter. I have ten years of abuse, ten years of suffering and pain to work through. Isn't it a tragedy that I can't come to you, my parents, for help, care, love and understanding? Isn't it tragic that I endured inhumane abuse rather than face my parents and deal with their possibly negative reaction? Mommy, Tatty, the abuse went on for 10 years! Imagine if I would have felt comfortable enough to approach you years ago...perhaps it would have stopped sooner.

Imagine if we could recreate society's attitude towards abuse victims. Imagine if we would be made to understand, from an early age, that nobody will ever think we are at fault, and we would be assured acceptance regardless of our circumstances.

Imagine if instead of suffering in painful silence, I could, at long last fall into your outstretched arms....

Signed,
Your Daughter

As the site notes:

this blog is letters from people who were abused and their friends, that were sent in to various publications. some people did have help with their writing, but thoughts and feelings are all of the people who signed the letters.

if you have any letters (published as is, edited and published, or things that the papers wouldn't publish) please email them to me, at abuseletters@gmail.com

don't forget to leave your comments! survivors are checking this blog and waiting for your support!

[+/-]

Positive Reinforcement

Monday, July 20, 2009

[+/-]

I'd rather be texting

[+/-]

EZ Reads 7/20/09: Science vs. Torah

R' Aviner on dinosaurs, the age of the world, etc. etc. Very interesting. Excerpt:
The Torah does not mention dinosaurs. This question is interesting from a scientific perspective but not a Torah perspective. In the book "Netivot Olam" (Netiv Ha-Toraah, netiv 14), the Maharal says that the purpose of science is to describe reality, while the Torah describes what reality should be, i.e. what is good and what is bad. What exists is interesting, but it is not Torah, which discusses halachic questions.

When people ask how old is the world, if we came from apes, what happened in the distance past, I generally answer: I don't know. I wasn't born and I didn't see. But in the case of dinosaurs, I saw the skeleton of the largest dinosaur in Europe – 20 meters, so you can't tell me stories.

[...] Nonetheless, there is no difference whether there were dinosaurs or not. Maran Ha-Rav Kook said that our subject is not if man came from an animal, our subject is how not to be an animal. The Torah’s purpose is to teach us how to have a gentle soul, and to be a holy and righteous person.
An interesting guest post at BeyondBT: Lakewood vs. Lakewood. Using minor league baseball (!) as a guide, it makes an interesting argument for us all.
R' Fink blasts Gizmodo for their anti-religious headline (since changed) - “Orthodox Couple Imprisoned By Superstitious Blame Motion Sensing Light Instead”.
This is nice: Modesty codes adopted by members of a Charedi minister's staff out of sensitivity - not requirement. It speaks well of them and perhaps of him in not asking or ordering such actions.
A really interesting piece by Orthonomics on the Jewish community in general. Excerpt:
Years ago, I think I viewed Orthodox Jews from left to right as part of a continuum, the speed of media and the images make it rather clear that much of the affinity is perceived. It might be a terrible thing to state during the three weeks, but I don't feel as there is much in common between my community, or most other American Orthodox communities for that matter, and the Mea Shearim community.

But, saying that wouldn't be fair either. It is clear when you read comments on any VIN article (or YWN article, although that "new source" basically steers clear of most articles that put the Yeshivish/Chassidish community in a bad light) that the concept of dan l'chaf zechut, an important concept indeed, can be used to excuse nearly any behavior. And, not just excuse it, but even glorify it. Sometimes I think to myself, do you have to be accused of abuse to be labeled a selfless tzadekes or be accused of money laundering or fraud to be labeled a true tzadik, someone with a great helech in olam haba? And lest you think that it is only VIN or YWN commentators that can twist themselves into a pretzel, have a bochur over and you might be surprised just how a neighborhood boy can take a behavior that a simpleton like me views as unquestionable wrong and it becomes not only permissible, but even a kiddush Hashem.

Sunday, July 19, 2009

[+/-]

Kiki, Riki - $10-12

Friday, July 17, 2009

[+/-]

Enjoy the Subway

Thursday, July 16, 2009

[+/-]

The Beis Yaakov Dilemma

The following is a guest post by a Beis Yaakov graduate, watching her sister struggle through the same school where she thrived. This post is meant to explore how schools should approach education.

----------------------------

"I hate that place I am never going back there again. EVER!" With that proclamation, my sister slammed the door. She ran to her bedroom, but not before I noticed the tears streaming down her face. "Poor girl," I thought to myself. "Every day it is something else. She is so miserable in that school." Unfortunately, I am not shocked.

When my sister was in 8th grade, I was a kid fresh out of school. I barely knew a thing about the world, yet I begged my parents to listen to my opinion, to take me seriously. "Rivky does not belong in that school." My parents couldn't understand it. "But the school was great for you and your sisters. Why shouldn't Rivky do well there too?" I tried so hard to explain. I told them about the differences between Rivky and her older sisters. I told them about the difference in the student body, the difference in the school's policies, and mostly, the difference in my sister''s style of learning. But they simply didn't understand. So Rivky landed in Bais Yaakov.

One year later, as Rivky finishes a terribly unsuccessful, and life-altering year as a freshman in Bais Yaakov, my parents see that I was right. Now they see that Rivky should have gone to a different school. Now they see that the structure of the school was completely different from what she needed. Now they see that the rules, rather than mold her into the girl they were hoping she'd become, have destroyed her inner self. They have destroyed the self confidence she had been working to build up. Now my parents are left to wonder how a kid who doesn't have any life experience, who doesn't have any chinuch experience, can be so dead right about something like this.

This begs a question. How could I, my sisters, and countless others have gone to BY, and turned out splendidly, when Rivky, and so many of her peers have been hurt by the very same school? Where does the difference lie?

----------------------------

I believe there are two approaches to running a school. You can come at it with an approach of: "Well, we have policies, we have rules, and we don't make any attempt to hide them. If you have a problem with the way we run our school, or with the chinuch we give, you are welcome to send your child elsewhere. If you do chose to send your child to our school, she must adhere to our rules and accept our lessons."

Alternatively, the school can say, "we wish the student body would consist of only students who belong here, but if a girl is in our school and has a hard time with the rules, we will nonetheless try to make her feel comfortable and to thrive, and provide an environment where she is able to reach her personal peak of avodas Hashem."

The first method works to an extent. Let's explore this phenomenon, with me, someone who would be considered a BY success story. I wouldn't say I loved Bais Yaakov. I'm fact, I would say that there were a number of times when I cried and told my mother I refuse to go back. But today, looking back at my high school education, I'd say it was good.

I remember my first day of ninth grade, when the Principal got up to speak at our freshman orientation. She started out with praise for her teaching staff. "Every member of our staff, both limudei kodesh and limudei chol, are extraordinary woman. It is commonly said that the Bais Yaakov office is like a shteible." I must admit...I was impressed. Perhaps that was the earliest sign that I belonged in the school.

As I got to know the teachers, I realized that she was right. Each member of the teaching staff was an unbelievable role model, someone we knew we should strive to be like. Their level seemed high, and quite unattainable, but I saw them as people who were so real, so sincere, I wanted to be like them. I knew with some degree of certainty that even if I would stay on the bottom rung, I wanted to climb their ladder.

I remember one particular incident which made an impression on me. One of our teachers related a story. "I was at a simcha, and someone asked me my name. So I told her it's Rabinowitz. She asked if my husband is the diamond dealer." At this point, Mrs. Rabinowitz paused. Her eyes lit up and she became more animated. "So I answered her, NO! My husband is not that diamond dealer! He polishes diamonds of a different sort." I looked up at the sparkle in her eyes, and I realized that this is her essence. Rabbi and Rebbetzin Rabinowitz have made the polishing of us, their diamonds, their entire life. I was awed. I was inspired. I wanted to be just like her. No, I couldn't relate to Rebbetzin Rabinowitz, the wife of the Rosh Yeshivah, the experienced mechaneches. But I could feel her love and warmth, and I wanted to climb her ladder of avodas Hashem.

It was with aspirations like those that I was able to accept the rigidity of the school. At some point during my four years there, the princepal came to the conclusion that it wasn't enough to have a rule stating that girls should cultivate a look that is in accordance with a Bas Yisroel. She saw loopholes being utilized in every way possible. The definition of the "look of a bas yisroel" leaves a lot of room for discussion. She closed the loopholes with strict rules. First, she instituted a no drinking straight from the bottle policy. Then she made a rule limiting the length of earrings. It wasn't too long before we even had rules about the color shoes we could wear. Yet we took it in stride. We were Bais Yaakov girls, it was a distinction to be proud of, even if we did have mandatory tests on very lengthy student guides. We were learning and growing, despite, or perhaps because of, strict rules about lengths of skirts, measured with a ruler.

But again, to repeat, I belonged there. I can't pin-point the reason. Perhaps it's because I was heading in that direction. Perhaps it's because I have an easy time subjugating myself to authority. Perhaps it's because of decisions I made. Perhaps it's because of my academic success there. But just as I am unable to pinpoint the reason that I fit in, I can't pinpoint the reason that Rivky doesn't. Perhaps if I had been able to provide my parents with a better reason, she would have wound up in another school. Perhaps it's because of Rivky's rebellious nature, of the way she rejects authority. Perhaps it's because Rivky has a hard time academically, and BY is a high pressured, mark oriented school. But whatever the case is, Rivky had four older sisters who went to Bais Yaakov, she appears to be the type of girl they are looking for, and so she got accepted.

Here is where we reach the second way of being mechanech students. While my parents have absolutely no right to expect the school to adopt the second policy, they should adopt it of their own accord. Let's face it. My parents made a mistake in sending Rivky to Bais Yaakov. But now Bais Yaakov has a girl who is sitting in their classes, listening to the very lessons I was so inspired by, and scoffing. She sees the rules as restrictive, she views the lessons as extreme. And the school continues. They have every right to say "well if you don't like it, leave." And she very well might. But as long as she is in their school, listening to their classes, taking their tests, following their rules, they have a responsibility towards her. They have a responsibility to try to do the best they can with her. And if rules and regulations are not reaching her, it's time to try another method.

The school has recently instituted some new, very extreme rules. While perhaps my reaction may have been: "I don't understand it, nor do I like it, but I will accept it," her reaction, as well as so many of her classmates, many of whom do not belong there either, is quite the opposite. Rather than panting to keep up, the girls are giving up. Girl's reactions range from, "This school is restrictive, they represent authority, so all authority is restrictive." to "There is no way I will ever meet the school's expectations." Students also think to themselves "well, I will be considered a bum here, no matter what I do, so I might as well live up to that." Student's reactions may even go as far as "school represents religion, so if the school is so restrictive, then religion must be that restrictive also. I hate religion."

This might sound extreme, but it's not far fetched at all. These are the sentiments I keep hearing from today's high school girls. Isn't it a shame? Shouldn't they be made to see the beauty of Yidishkeit? If the way they taught it to me isn't working, shouldn't they be looking for alternate routes? If those very same Rebbetzins that were so inspiring to me, are now turning the girls off, shouldn't the school get some younger teachers who can relate to the challenges of a new generation?

These teachers may be amazing, smart, and dedicated women who love to teach, but if they can't even figure out how to turn a cell phone on, how do we think they will be able to understand the lure of texting someone inappropriately? If they don't know what "email" means, how will they understand social networking, chatting, and other online time wasting devices? If they haven't bought any new clothes in years, how are they supposed to really understand the pull of styles that they put under a blanket category of "untzniusdik"? While it's nice to have teachers like that, to provide a role model, a visual illustration of what they expect us to strive towards, is it fair and realistic to expect today's teens to be able to relate to these teachers? Is of fair and realistic to expect these teachers to be able to relate to today's teens?

It would seem simple to me, that a school that is constantly battling their student body to adhere to rules more, to dress differently, to behave more appropriately, should realize that their method is no longer working. So why is the school's administration blind to all of this? Why is a young girl, with no teaching experience, see something that these experienced educators can not? I believe that the answer lies in the school's success over the course of the past 40-something years. If the school and their accompanying policies have been successfully educating the last couple of generations of the community's women, shouldn't the same policies continue to work today?

Sadly, the answer, I believe, is no. Don't ask me to figure out the reason why. Don't ask me what is different about the students now, as opposed to the students of a mere five years ago. All I know, is that the sentiments are different. While the common complaint in my day was "they keep making so many rules it's hard to keep up!", the common complaint seems to have migrated over the course of the few years since my graduation. Today's students are complaining more along the lines of "there are too many rules. There is no way I can follow all of them." Doesn't that call for a change in policies?

No, the school doesn't have to change their policies. But for the sake of even one girl's happiness, for the sake of even one girl's yiddishkeit, don't you think they should?

[+/-]

Bare Necessities: Shells and Tichels

[+/-]

EZ Reads 7/16/09: Religious Security

Some really good posts today...

Erachet tackles Honestly Frum's rant (mentioned yesterday) on Modern Orthodoxy by discussing Religious Security. Excerpt:
It is a call for you to start wondering where you fall. And not to look at other people so much. Just because someone seems to be of a different camp does not mean that person is any more or less frum than you, and therefore you have no business judging anyone but yourself. If you work on your own religious observance, you will feel more religiously secure. And the more religiously secure you feel, the less you'll care about anyone "looking down" on you or "trying to change you." You'll just laugh at that because you'll have a feeling of shleimus that cannot be breached. Not by something so silly as someone else being too judgmental of you.
Great analogy by Treppenwitz in weighing the question of who is responsible when someone gets hurt in a "dangerous area".
Interesting post by R' Gil on papal infallibility and Da'as Torah.
When did papal infallibility become a binding dogma? While it had been discussed and invoked for centuries, it became official Catholic dogma in 1870. Similarly, while ideas similar to Da'as Torah had been discussed prior, the main establishment of Da'as Torah as a binding dogma -- at least in those groups that accept it -- was in the mid- to late nineteenth century.
RafiG points out the homepage of the 18th Maccabiah Games.
Mark Frankel with a very good introduction to learning Gemara at BeyondBT.
Seen in a few places, links to this piece about a Madoff victim who is giving $5 million to cover the employees' 401(k)s. What a kiddush Hashem.
Cool ad for HP (and it didn't even win!).
Mayam Bialik (Blossom) asks Jew in the City about how Orthodox women are regarded. Interesting.
Trailer for No Impact Man on A Negative Benefit, about a guy who has his family have absolutely no carbon footprint for a year. Strange but cute and funny, sort of. Definitely thought-provoking.
On a similar note (via Freakonomics), you can sell (or give) your old cells to CycledCells, which either reuses parts or gives away phones to people in third world countries.

Enjoy!

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

[+/-]

A Visit With Grandma Goldish

by Aviva (Goldish) Spotts

When I received a call from my parents that Grandma was in the ICU, I was very upset. Though I know that Grandma is “old,” I guess I somehow assumed she would always be around. This call made me realize that it’s just not the case. As the days went on and the reports came in from my parents, Shua and I decided that I needed to go as soon as possible. So I booked a one way ticket to Cleveland, not knowing at the time what would happen and when I’d return. Tamar (my one year old) and I flew out of BWI Wednesday morning and by Wednesday afternoon, my father and I were in the ICU with Grandma.

My father warned me about how painful it was to see her in the state she was in, but I don’t think you fully fathom what you are going to see, until you see it for yourself. I stood there looking at my beloved Grandma and just couldn’t believe it. Here a woman who was always full of life and spunk, was lying in this hospital bed, very thin and frail, with tubes flying in and out of her and a huge mask covering half of her face. Her arms and hands were more black and blue then skin color and they were tied down at her side, for her protection. Part of me wanted to cry, but something inside of me took me back to when Grandpa was in the hospital at the end of his life. I remember asking my mother if he can hear me and she had told me then that we don’t know what they can hear but that we should act as if he hears everything. Well, that’s exactly what I did with Grandma. I told myself that I was going to be happy and positive throughout my visits with her. As she moaned and winced in pain, I took her hand and I rubbed it, I brushed back her hair and I kept talking to her as if I were the Grandma and she was the granddaughter – telling her she’s going to be fine and that the doctors and nurses are taking such good care of her. When she wasn’t upset – I would tell her that I came all the way to Baltimore to see her and her to open her eyes already. I would remind her who I was, “David’s daughter” and her “favorite granddaughter” (sorry Esther and Mindel, that’s what I always told her!)

The nurse took off her oxygen mask briefly to give her some children’s Tylenol (she is 80 pounds after all) and she tried talking to us and told us they were poisoning her…we told her they were trying to help her pain. As my father said later and it resonated with me, that’s why halacha is so complicated, on the one hand you see this foreign body laying there with her organs shutting down but that she says something that sure seems like a sign of someone who wants to live. My father and I sat there and watched her as she slowly calmed down; the Tylenol seemed to be helping. We were comforted by the mere fact that she was in less pain. We never could have anticipated what would come next. After about a half hour of a calmer state and about 7 minutes of a cat nap, Grandma opened her eyes – wide. I ran over to her and looked into those small gray eyes of hers and said, “Grandma, it’s me, Aviva, David’s daughter.” And she smiled at me through the mask. I went on to tell her I came from Baltimore just to see her and I was here with David etc etc. I kept talking and she kept responding. Sometimes we could understand her, sometimes it was difficult. But she was most definitely hearing and understanding us and I was going to take advantage of this visit. So I pulled out my digital camera and started showing her pictures of my kids, Shua and I on our vacation a few weeks ago, of Ezzie and Elianna on my recent trip to NY. I talked to her about Marilyn’s recent visit. And I just kept going – talking and talking (as we all I do quite well) about anything and everything meaningful to Grandma. She was so animated and so excited. I tested her – Who is this? What are your kids names? Where does this one live? What was your address? It was unbelievable! She looked down at her ring finger and noticed her wedding band was gone. I explained to her that the hospital gave it David for safe keeping because she dropped it (it flew off her hand when she was upset and trying to pull out her IV). I showed it to her and she kept asking me to put it on her. I explained to her again why I can’t give it to her (my father signed off that he took it). I showed it to her and she said “I’d feel more comfortable if it was on.” I apologized and changed the subject to other memories of her. I went back to my parents feeling like Grandma was back…but was she?

The next day, my father and I went back again. When we arrived she looked similar to our first meeting, lying there moaning and tied down. But I knew that it was just temporary, or so I told I myself. And I came armed with a CD that my mother quickly put together with lots of pictures for her to look at. Well, once again, she “woke up” as I like to say it, but this time she wasn’t quite as chipper and her numbers weren’t quite as good…as much as we’ve been told not to obsess with numbers, it’s hard not to. But I was determined. I don’t know how we got to this point but my father and I were both sitting up next to her trying to get her “back” again. I threw out all the phrases and names I could that would make her speak. We “kibitzed” about how my baby is a “doll baby” and how I am always on time like her and not late like my father. I don’t know what inclined me to start singing to her, but I did and my father joined in. We sang all those melodies (with no words) that she loved…and she hummed along with us through her mask! We sang Shalom Aleichema and others we knew she liked. I talked to her about Grandpa and how he was a lawyer, to which she said, “right, he was an attorney.” I said and “he never charged anybody, right?” to which she laughed. I asked her if she watched jeapordy to which she responded that it’s on at 7:00. We talked again about how Marilyn visited from Israel and how she has all these grandchildren and great children. After a few minutes of talking about Grandmpa and her 3 kids and grandchildren and great grandchildren, she paused and had the look she had when she used to, as she called it, “have a spell.” It lasted about 3 minutes and my father and I didn’t know what to make of it. She then said something to me about having not thought about all these things for a long time…and she had tears in her eyes. She seemed quieter and more withdrawn and definitely more tired. Over the past couple days she told my father a number of times, “I love you, David.” I said jokingly, “what about me?” to which she shrugged. We always kissed her when we left and I silently prayed that I’d see her again the next day.

We were told that the oxygen mask was a short term solution and couldn’t be left on indefinitely. The problem was when she didn’t have it on, she wasn’t getting enough oxygen. The other methods of giving oxygen, we were told, may not be as effective. You can therefore imagine my surprise when I arrived with Shua (who drove with my three other kids, on a fast day, almost 8 hours to (hopefully) see Grandma and be there for moral support – G-d bless him!) to find Grandma with a small oxygen mask which Shua pointed out wasn’t even covering her mouth and nose. The nurse said she must have pulled it off but that she was doing pretty good maintaining a comfortable oxygen level with it. Since she was pulling it off, they switched to the kind that goes in her nose…this was on top of the feeding tube that was already in there…not fun. Once again, the initial visit was watching her numbers on the screen and a strange woman in bed, who was not the grandmother I knew and loved. While she was resting, Shua and I just looked at her and each other, we didn’t have to say a word, we were both pretty worried about her… But once again, she “woke” up. I prayed each time it would happen, but I didn’t take for granted that it would. This time I had old pictures. She knew Ben was “my husband” and that David was David, Rena was Rena, Larry Frankel was “what’s his name” and next to him was “his mother.” She knew Alyssa was “my best girl friend” and that Helen “is my sister.” She knew Tuda is her sister too…what was strange to us was that for days during her moaning she seemed to call Tuda’s name over and over again. We had a wonderful visit with her. Though she didn’t remember Shua, she thought we made a “good looking couple” so she liked him. She said “you must find me really boring” since she had nothing more to say. So we told her all about our life in Baltimore and our kids. She really wanted to see them but we explained that the hospital won’t let kids in. I showed her the pictures of them again from my camera, and she loved them, again. We left the hospital amazed at how well she was doing and I was amazed at how much better she looked. She wanted to sit up. She told me she was starving. And she was just acting so “normal.” A little while before Shabbos my father received a call from the hospital that they had some concerns and were running a test. Of course this made us all nervous, but when 2 minutes before Shabbos, the test results came out normal, coupled with the experiences we witnessed the past few days, I went into Shabbos cautiously optimistic.

Thank G-d, we got a positive report from the nurse about Grandma’s Shabbos, they had tried to give her applesauce (since she pulled out her feeding tube) and she took it. Her oxygen level was good, but to be honest, I just wanted to see her again for myself. For a variety of reasons, I wound up going by myself to see Grandma before we left for Baltimore on Sunday. I WISH that others had been there with me to witness what I witnessed. A Grandma I have not seen in many years was sitting there. Her hearing is better then it has been in years (and this is without hearing aids), her color is good, her humor is there, the twinkle in her eye is back, she kept looking at the time and asking me if I ate something yet (it was lunch time). There was thick liquid food sitting next to her. I asked the nurse if I can feed her and she wished me luck. She couldn’t get her to eat more than 2 bites of anything. I told Grandma I was going to feed her. I gave her some fruit, she didn’t love it, but ate a bit, two, three, four. Then I tried her apple juice. She liked that better. She must have had half of it. I asked her if she’d like ice cream, knowing she always loved it, and she said, “I used to eat it every night.” I told her I’d ask the nurse. The nurse got me some chocolate ice cream, her favorite. Grandma was thrilled! She kept eating more and more and more. She told me that she hadn’t had anything to eat or drink in days. When I asked her why, she said, “ I just couldn’t.” She thanked me over and over for everything..I said “for what?” She just couldn’t explain. She just thanked me. She asked if she could give me a kiss (as she always used to). Of course I obliged and then she looked at me and said “I hope I see you again.”

These visits with Grandma were awe inspiring, miraculous, special, momentous and eye opening to me. I believe fully that she is alive by some miracle from Hashem. In my heart, I didn’t think I would actually “see Grandma,” not the one I knew anyway, but I forced myself not to give up and to try anything and everything. I am grateful to have had these very special visits with her. I am only sorry that she did not get to see my kids and meet my baby, Tamar. Life is a gift. Family is precious. Miracles happen every day. I just witnessed a big one. I hope and pray that Grandma continues to have these moments and awakenings with no further pain and suffering.

I want to thank Ezzie for telling me to write this all down while it’s fresh. My little brother was right. I hope you’ll all get some chizuk reading this. May Chaya bat Pessel have a refuah shelaymah.

Aviva

[+/-]

EZ Reads, 7/15/09

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

[+/-]

Just Go Out and See

Good, interesting posts out there worth pondering, following up from this post:

The Apple is frustrated:

But you know what else is true in dating? People don’t want the really outgoing ones either. People don’t want intensity. They don’t want passion. They want “reasonably outgoing.” Not too shy, but not too loud either. Definitely not someone with opinions, who doesn’t have qualms about putting them out there. [...]

...I know that those are qualities that need to be worked on and can sometimes be unpleasant to others. But I just wish people would look past that and see that I’m like that because I care about things, because I’m passionate about the world, because I feel deeply about justice and honesty, instead of just seeing it as “insulting” and “relentless” and “high standards.”

Meanwhile, YD addresses another aspect of flipping out and how it touches on dating:

This has created a "list" phenomenon in the dating scene: How many times a day does she daven? How many hours a day does he learn? How does he or she dress? Does he watch movies? Does she watch TV?

Why has this happened? Well if your you have one major criteria, and that major criteria is easy to apply to every scenario, then all you need is a piece of paper and and a pen, and you can make many of your life decisions based on straight-forward factual information. [...]

There has also been a spill-over effect to non-religious factors: Is she loud? Is he friendly? Is she smart? Is he funny? What does he do? What does she do? Where did he go to school? Where is she in college?

Although these are all factors that can affect a relationship, they have little to do with what makes a relationship. What makes a person right for you is that they are right for you, and you'll never know unless you give them a chance. I think that very often, those who have the practice to investigate shidduchim and then say no because of certain factors, are making a huge mistake. They are looking for someone that peaks their interest or at least keeps them in their comfort zone, but they may be passing on a tremendous opportunity.
This is also why I hate having to describe a person for shidduch purposes. I know that the person I'm talking to is waiting for some fact or some description that's gonna make them say "Wow! I really want to date this person!" And if I can't provide that tidbit, the potential just becomes a name on a list for emergency purposes. Again, what makes a person good for you is that they are good for you, period. The only way to find out is to give someone a chance.

Once again, I cannot overemphasize that I strongly feel people would be much better off skipping all the questions and just going out on a date. I have yet to see anyone make the argument (and prove) that asking questions and rejecting people in advance has led to an overall better dating experience by somehow weeding out "bad" dates and leaving them with predominantly "good" ones. If anything, questions only lead people to reject people (who may or may not be good for them) and form either an overly high expectation of the date or given them a list of things to be wary of. Friends and shadchanim don't help this much, either (and I'm sure I'm just as guilty of this).

Just go out and see for yourself. What's so wrong with that?!

[+/-]

Is Texting Unethical?

Monday, July 13, 2009

[+/-]

Carlos & Gabby's Review

[+/-]

Unfocused Study?

UPDATE: Just tuned in for a few minutes of the live conference, and it's far better than the release would have indicated in terms of what is being discussed, though with the caveat that 72 Board Presidents may not be a great sample as it is spread over all types of Jews.

At 12:00 noon today, July 13th, YU will be hosting a live interactive conference on a study they conducted regarding the high costs of Jewish education, allowing viewers to submit questions in real time to the presenters. Having received the press release and after reading through it a few times to ensure that I was in fact reading it carefully and correctly, I am terribly saddened and dismayed at the approach they seem to be taking and in particular at the misleading headline they used to pitch it. The press release is here: 1, 2, 3. However, there is a bright side, as you'll see below.

The (mis)leading headline states the following:

Institute for University-School Partnership at Yeshiva University:
‘Day Schools Could Gain $100 Million Through Better Management’

While this sounds wonderful, implying that a focus on elimination of wasteful spending would severely cut down on the cost of Jewish education and reducing the burden on families and supporters, the rest of the press release offers barely a mention of this. Instead, the focus throughout the memo is on fundraising, fundraising, and fundraising:
{Note: all quotes from the release}

Only about one-third of presidents strongly agree that board members give their schools their top personal philanthropic gifts or that they generate financial support for school events.
Only about one-quarter of presidents feel that board members are actively engaged in identifying and cultivating potential major donors for their institutions.
...presidents overwhelmingly say that fundraising/advocacy and strategic planning, the two areas in which their boards are underperforming, are the two areas that impact most on overall school performance and affordability.
“While schools must find ways to cut spending, this survey suggests that we can help preserve the educational core of the school and maintain school quality by maximizing fundraising and strategic financial planning.”
...in support of communal fundraising, advocating for increased government funding and promoting inter-school collaboration. At the same time, we are also focusing on helping day school boards learn to increase their engagement in financial planning, fundraising, and expense management.
"...it is incumbent upon the board members to serve as leaders both in planning as well as fundraising and their own personal giving.”

Meanwhile, there was very little focus on cutting costs, no mention of transparency, no real mention of keeping costs in line with revenues, and no discussion of looking at alternatives to the current structure in any way to make tuition more affordable.

This is very much in line with the overall feeling I got when I was interviewed by YU's Center for the Jewish Future (CJF) a number of weeks ago regarding the Jewish Economics Survey. They filmed me as part of a documentary they are showing at their ChampionsGate conference taking place this weekend in Orlando, and the impression I was left with from the questions being asked and the reaction to the answers I was giving left me disappointed. I came out of that interview with the impression (and hopefully this is incorrect) that they were looking to hear from me how dire circumstances were, how awful of a state we were in... and that the solution required a huge influx of donations to organizations and schools who can help manage the situation and make everything better. Seeing this press release was equally disheartening, further reinforcing the implication that problems will be best solved by throwing money, rather than starting from the bottom to create a base understanding of the communal economic state and how schools function

On the flip side, perhaps this is a misreading and just a poorly presented release. Harry Bloom of YU's Azrieli Graduate School, quoted throughout the release and presenting at the press conference today, is chairing a discussion at ChampionsGate called "Re-Envision and Re-Engineer Our Day Schools - Evaluate, and Craft New Community and School Economic Models". Hopefully, today's press conference will be positive and forward-thinking, looking for ways to understand that we need to start from the bottom up, not the top down, if we are to fully understand what are and how we can approach the problems that are facing us.

Sunday, July 12, 2009

[+/-]

On the Quieter Side

Friday, July 10, 2009

[+/-]

Oh Boy(s...)

[+/-]

EZ Reads 7/10/09: Pinchas

Ezzie: Please have in mind Chaya bas Pesel. Thank you.

With thanks to Reb Abe, YSF, Justine, and others who sent some interesting pieces in... and yes, Stam is correct: I have a ton of pieces that I post randomly when they occur to me or when I get around to them. :)

The Jewish Press has an important piece this week by R' Yakov Horowitz and Eliot Pasik called Let The System Work, showing how going to and using the courts provide for proper outcomes in cases of abuse. Please pass this piece around.
An interesting piece in the Forward on gays in the military, citing Israel's acceptance and lack of issues because of it. Thought that comes to mind: Better to accept it than risk "Don't ask, Don't tell", where a high ranking member can be blackmailed for their relationship because of concern over losing their job.
ProfK discusses whether breast exam signs should be placed in a mikvah. Personally, what caught my eye was the NY/OOT line in the beginning... which happened when a NYer came to town. Interesting.
More OTML cool finds: How they kept Shabbos in the 1800s (rounding to the nearest 1/2 hour or so - even though they cared about zmanim).

A great story and message on Parshas Pinchas and the Jewish community, reminiscent of my favorite R' Salanter quote:

Parashat Pinchas: Fix Yourself and Then Fix Others
[Tal Chermon, p. 448 based on the book "Nivi Zahav" of Ha-Rav Zev Gold]
When Maran Ha-Rav Kook visited America to raise money for the yeshivot in Eretz Yisrael and Europe, one of the Rabbis asked during a reception: Why doesn't Ha-Rav follow the path of zealousness? Maran Ha-Rav Kook answered at length and told a story about a great Torah scholar and ethical person: "He once came to his Rabbi and said to him that he wants to perfect the world through the Almighty's kingdom. His Rabbi said to him: Go, my son and may Hashem help you. He went and tried, but was unsuccessful. The world remained as it was. He came to his Rabbi a second time to lament the lack of blessing in his actions. His Rabbi asked him: My son, have you already spiritually repaired your country and homeland that you are concerning about repairing the entire world? He took the hint and attempted to fix his country. But he also failed; no one listened to his voice. He returned to his Rabbi and related his new failure. His Rabbi said to him: My son, have you spiritually repaired your city? Why should you begin with a whole country? This wise man listened to him and turned to repairing his city, but the residents of his city also do not obey him. His Rabbi said to him: My son, have you already fixed your household? He realized that he was correct, and so he attempted to repair the members of his household. But they also did not listen to him. When he returned to lament before his Rabbi, the Rabbi said: My son, perhaps you did not fix yourself. Go and worry – first and foremost – about your soul, and after you are certain that you repaired everything that you could and you have no blemish – then the members of your household will see and learn from your ways, and they will be an example for the city, and the city for the country and the country for the entire world. This needs to be the path of a person who desires to spiritually repair others."

Finally, for fun:

Microsoft Office 2010 has its own movie trailer - surprisingly good, actually; someone asks Microsoft if the files they've added is causing their computer to get fat - real or not, hilarious thread; while I'm not a Borat/Bruno fan, this Letterman clip of Sasha Baron Cohen (as himself for once) discussing interviewing a terrorist is quite funny; and in the most confusing finish I've seen, the winning pitcher in a baseball game no longer plays with the team who won and the winning run was scored by a guy who wasn't on the team when the game started. Now *that* is Major League Baseball.

Have a great Shabbos!

[+/-]

The Back of the Room

With thanks to Erachet for the mashal

In many classrooms, you'll often find that somewhere in the back of the room there's a troublemaker. At every opening, this troublemaker will take a shot - with a snide comment, a rude response, or just in general acting out - and while sometimes one might argue that the target is a real one, the purpose behind this troublemaker's actions has little to do with constructive critique and much more to do with stirring the pot.

By and large, the best response other people in the classroom can have is to simply ignore. There's little use in getting into a debate, as that just plays into the attention-seeking he wants, and actively decrying his actions will do nothing but make others wonder just what's so bad about what he says in the first place that he needs to be shouted down.

How should you react, however, when this troublemaker decides to actually say something useful? When he makes a real critique without the usual snark, or if he starts talking about something positive or about something that's actually interesting and not negative? Do you write off any action or comment by him, no matter how positive, because of all the other times, to avoid giving him any credibility? Or is it more effective to do the reverse: Engage him in discussion about what he just said, encouraging future discussions of the sort, while demonstrating that when he approaches subjects with respect and has something genuine to add he is far more likely to be taken seriously and have his opinion valued?

There are those who will argue that the former approach is best because of perception. If someone were to walk by or walk into the classroom while such a discussion were ongoing, seeing the troublemaker's views being accepted or discussed seriously might lead the observer to believe that he is someone who should be listened to and respected. When they later discover that this person is a troublemaker, it will taint not only he himself but also those who were engaging him seriously - after all, how can you take such a person seriously? Why would you actively discuss anything with such a person?

However, this does not seem to be the correct approach. It seems much wiser to engage the troublemaker when the discussion has a positive tone and is being done with respect, when there is some positive that can actually come out of such a discussion. To write off someone in all situations is something reserved for special people, and to be concerned that someone walking by may get the wrong idea and perceive either the troublemaker as positive or lump the good people with him in general seems to be wrong. It is the responsibility of the person walking by or walking in to not assume so quickly or judge without understanding, not the person in the room to be concerned that someone walking by will misunderstand.

In case the nimshal (analogy) is not obvious, I think this sums up the discussion between myself and R' Doron Beckerman in the comments to Inflammatory Discussion below. {Please note that he issued a clarification later on in the comments; while I still disagree, it's certainly much more clear as to intent.} R' Beckerman is concerned that by occasionally noting positively or by not actively disassociating with the ideas of certain bloggers, good blogs create a perception that they are united with the negativity and ideals of those bloggers. While appreciating that being associated with such bloggers does a disservice, I don't think the responsibility for this lies with the people who post and act appropriately. It is unfair to lump all blogs together; the majority of blogs are respectful, engage in serious discussion of important issues, and their intentions are to help the Jewish community while expressing their frustrations with or decrying what they see as improper within the community. There is no need on their part to spend their time actively disassociating with the negativity for the sake of others to understand; those who wish to truly understand need only to take a closer look or ask.

Finally, those in a position to bridge the gap between the observers and the writers need only to point them in the right direction, to the right people, to do so - while erecting walls is far easier than building bridges, ultimately the bridges are far more useful.

Thursday, July 09, 2009

[+/-]

Dumbing Down of Democracy

From here.

The pivotal foreign policy event so far in the Obama presidency was not this week's summit with Russia. It was instead that rarest of all events: Barack Obama's silence.
When the people of Iran filled the streets of their country demanding a fair election, the U.S. clutched for a week. Uncertain of whether U.S. interests lay with the nuke-building ayatollahs or the democracy-seeking population, the Obama team essentially mumbled sweet nothings through the first days of the most extraordinary world event in this young presidency's term. That moment of hesitation, when a genuine and strategically useful democratic moment needed support, could prove costly.
When the Group of Eight nations tried to shape a response to the Iranian government's repression, Russia knew what to say about Iran."No one is willing to condemn the election process," said Russian Foreign Minister Sergei Lavrov, "because it's an exercise in democracy."
Behold the official dumbing down of democracy.
Our purpose here is not to ridicule Foreign Minister Lavrov's absurd description of the Iranian elections. It is instead to show his statement the respect that anything dangerous deserves.
Two years ago in June, Vladimir Putin's main press spokesman, Dmitry Peskov, visited the offices of the Journal editorial page. It was a remarkable meeting. The editors asked about the widely discussed criticisms of the Putin government's actions against opposition political parties and individuals and its control of the media. With a calm and confident smile, Mr. Peskov replied: "Ours is a different system of democracy." That was it. He stopped talking but kept smiling. The message sank in.
Dmitry Peskov was defining democracy in a way that could hardly be more different than the system of political pluralism developed over the past 300 years in the West. He couldn't have been clearer: We are changing the rules. Get over it.

In this light, President Obama's performance in Moscow was disconcerting, to put it mildly. In Mr. Obama's worldview, political systems apparently don't compete. They simply . . . are. "America cannot and should not seek to impose any system of government on any other country," he said, "nor would we presume to choose which party or individual should run a country."
Mr. Obama's political equivalence, conventional wisdom now among many Western sophisticates, is wrong and dangerous. Unless the West, led by the U.S. under this president, offers active push-back against the Russian definition of democracy, their version inexorably will back out ours.
The design of Iran's election was a perfect mirror of Russia's. Foreign Minister Lavrov wasn't ratifying it for our benefit. Like Dmitry Peskov, he couldn't care less what the Americans or Europeans think of his astonishing statement. His audience is the world's other leaders and parties.
Where is it written that American-style democracy will last forever, much less spread to new nations? If the members of the U.N. General Assembly could choose between the democracy of the U.S., Britain and France or that of Russia, Venezuela and Bolivia, likely it would be the latter. Genuine democracy is hard work. Why should the likes of Pakistan, Iraq, Turkey, Taiwan or Brazil endure that stress if Potemkin Village democracy is acceptable?
What Putin, Khamenei, Chávez, Morales and Mubarak want is fait-accompli legitimacy. When resistance to their dumbed-down democracy stops, they'll have it. China's Orwellian filtering software is a nice metaphor for what's at stake. Vocal criticism, even as eloquent as Mr. Obama's in Moscow this week or in Cairo, is not resistance. Real resistance requires acts of political push-back that all the world's people can see and recognize.
A study released last month by Freedom House, "Democracy's Dark Year," reported democratic erosion in most of the new European Union member states and in the then-inspiring "color revolution" nations -- Georgia's Rose Revolution, Ukraine's Orange Revolution and Kyrgyzstan's Tulip Revolution.
Latin America is also tipping toward dissolved democracies. The 34 nations of the Organization of American States just voted to readmit the Cuban dictatorship. After the vote, the OAS foreign ministers broke into applause, and the meeting's host joyously announced, "The Cold War has ended." Those words of congratulations for unrepentant antidemocrat Fidel Castro came from Manuel Zelaya, then president of Honduras.
Elected in 2005, Mr. Zelaya has been using his muscle to import the Russian-Venezuelan-Iranian political model to Honduras. That means rigged future elections and the constitution changed by fiat to validate the rigging. After meeting with Mr. Zelaya in Washington Tuesday, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton off-loaded Honduras's fate to former Costa Rican president Oscar Arias.
Letting genuine democratic aspirants in places like Iran and Honduras lose in front of a watching world will exact a price. The United States and the other John Locke democracies are in an active, long-term competition with fake democrats over whose politics governs the next century. And they will presume to choose which parties should run other counties.
There is the clear sense that anything the Bush administration did, the Obama sophisticates will not do. Does the fact that the Bushies pushed democracy mean it would be bad form to support even our own political system?

[+/-]

Cleaning Out Closets

Those who know us know that I love to clean out closets and houses fully to create space, which is perhaps why I found this post by ProfK so interesting. Excerpts:

She asked the people present: "If you could keep all but 1-5 things, which things would you get rid of and why?" Within a very short period of time all of the participants had come up with their list of items to discard. Many had put down far more than 1-5 items.

The leader then asked this question: "If these items are of no importance to you, and you wouldn't miss them if they were gone forever, why do you still have them?" My friend reported that the group leader then went on to discuss how any closet/room system of organization is going to break down and stop being useful if items keep getting added in but no items leave. [...]

Perhaps this is one of the reasons why such little change comes to the organizations of Klal. We know they aren't working the way we need them to work, there is no "space in the closet" to keep everything that is in place, but we keep on trying to rearrange things without getting rid of things, because we might need them later. Perhaps, and if we have the space for them later we can buy them/put them into place then. Then again, maybe we'll discover that we can live just fine without these things.

So, what 1-5 items would you get rid of if doing so meant that your "closets" would have all the room needed to store the things that really matter to you? What things could Klal get rid of that would give us some breathing room?

I think it's a fascinating question, and I don't think we can know the answer as a klal until we know what is important. Unfortunately, because people will always differ on what is and is not important or a priority, we often end up with each person or group ensuring that what they feel is priority remain on the list - essentially leaving everything there.

As a community as a whole, I think we need to step back further and start from scratch. It's harder to throw out something once you view yourself as having it, but it's easier (albeit not easy) to not add something when you know you don't have the resources for it. One of the purposes of the JES is to take people back on an individual level to those basics - in the hopes that we can then do the same on the communal level.

Wednesday, July 08, 2009

[+/-]

Family Photo

[+/-]

3,000 Words

[+/-]

EZ Reads 7/8/9: Insomnia

Tuesday, July 07, 2009

[+/-]

The Importance Of The Back And Forth

Reposted from here.

I wasn't sure how to begin this post, so I suppose I'll begin with myself. I don't like getting so personal, even though I have written some very personal things on here before, but I feel this is an important point to make.

It's very difficult to listen to other people's critical opinions concerning myself. I'm sure this is true for most people. When someone voices a criticism, it's as though that voiced criticism has a power ten times greater than anything going on in my own mind. So even if I previously believed I could do something, once someone verbalizes a doubt, I begin to doubt myself.

This is a bad thing. No one else's opinion about yourself should have that much weight. You should listen to that person's opinion, you should decide if you feel it is a valuable one, and you should take from it what you think reasonable. You should not in any way allow that person's opinion to define the way you think of yourself. Just because someone voices something does not mean that thing is accurate or true. And speaking something aloud does not give that thing any power if other people do not allow it to have power - if you don't allow it to have power.

On the other hand, an opinion expressed now has a life. It is up to you to decide if that opinion is silly, whereupon you can quash it with your own common sense, or if it has validity. If you determine it to be valid in some way, you can internalize those valid parts and use them to improve yourself.

Now let's extend this beyond the personal.

If someone criticizes an institution, does it mean that criticism is true? Of course not. It is one person's biased opinion - and opinions are nearly always biased. Everyone comes from his/her own point of view and each point of view is unique.

However, once that criticism is voiced, others may listen to it and agree. Or even if they do not agree, they may suddenly be considering that opinion. It is in their heads. It has a life.

This does NOT mean it is correct, nor does it mean the person voicing this opinion should be bashed for doing so. What it means is that someone who believes differently should voice his own opinion.

You see, before any opinions are expressed, they are believed. One person may speak them aloud, but many others are already thinking them in their heads. Keeping voices silent does not keep thoughts silent, and silent thoughts are almost more dangerous than ones verbalized in discussion.

Discussion is the key here. Without discussion, there cannot be real growth. Why do people learn in chavrusas? Because it is the discussion, the back and forth, that enables greater understanding. Otherwise, everyone should just learn on his own and keep his own thoughts to himself. That way they won't interfere with someone else's thoughts - right? They won't mess anything up for anyone.

Is that really an ideal way to exist? To have everyone think his own things in an isolated bubble of belief? How can we be one nation if we don't intellectually and religiously engage one another?

If there is a strong voice on one side, make sure you have an equally strong voice on your own side. There is nothing to be afraid of that way. Discussion is not to be feared. Without it, you would never get to explain to someone else why what you believe makes sense.

Someone of a different opinion would have no influence.

But neither would you.

[+/-]

R' Horowitz: Hafganos Begin At Home

Reprinted with permission

Hafganos Begin at Home

Time to Stand up for True K’vod Shamayim

Let’s start with a simple multiple choice question:

What is a greater Chillul Hashem?

A) Non-observant Jews, who never had the benefit of a Torah education, driving cars on Shabbos?

B) Identifiably frum people throwing rocks at police officers on Shabbos and yelling things at them in full view of the media, like, “[anyone who desecrates Shabbos] "must die." And "You will burn in the fire of hell!" (Read this and weep.)

I cannot for the life of me understand how any decent human being, let alone an ehrliche Yid who was raised learning Torah and grew up hearing stories of the Chofetz Chaim can answer anything but “B.”

And I’ll take it a step further and say that anyone who answers choice “A” did not learn the same Torah and the same mesorah that my generation was taught by Reb Moshe and Reb Yakov, Reb Ahron and Rav Hutner, Rav Pam and Rav Ruderman, zichronom tzadikim l’vracha.

And if you feel that the images of a crowd of angry and violent people who dress like you and I, hurling curses at police officers broadcast around the world is a colossal Chillul Hashem and a true physical danger to the safety and security of frum Jews worldwide, I pose the following question:

What are we as Torah Jews obligated to protest first?

A) Non-observant Jews, who never had the benefit of a Torah education, driving cars on Shabbos?

So; let the next protest be called to peacefully and civilly proclaim loudly and clearly, first to our own impressionable children, and then to all decent citizens of the world that this tiny minority of violent radicals do not represent us.

You and I know with certainty that our gedolim shlit”a do not sanction nor support any expression of violence. But the public at large does not know that, and paints all of us with one broad brush. It is for that reason that I am once again writing about this topic.

Tens of thousands gathered a week ago for a beautiful and moving Kabbolas Shabbos to protest Chillul Shabbos in a responsible and peaceful way; while some irresponsibly rioted and burned garbage cans all week long.

We who know what true Yiddishkeit is all about, have a positive role to play. I feel with every fiber of my body that each and every decent Yid worldwide has an achrayus to write letters and emails to every media outlet informing them that these hooligans do not speak for us. For we have no right preaching to others until we have removed this horrible stain from our own kehilos.

And it will remain that way until we change things.

I respectfully ask my readers to take a moment to cut and paste the following text and send it to the Jerusalem Post and Haaretz; two newspapers with worldwide readership, which covered this story – and to pass this on to people on your email lists and ask them to do the same. It is my goal that each of the 2 newspapers get a minimum of 1,000 emails within 24 hours, and that then hopefully there will be a news story that Torah Jews stood up for the values we hold so dear.

“As a Torah Jew, I am deeply distressed by the desecration of Shabbos in our holy land -- all the more so when it is government sanctioned. However, nothing can ever excuse the type of violence and wanton destruction of public property that has been reported in recent days such as the throwing of rocks at police officers and the burning of garbage dumpsters – all of which is diametrically opposed to the teachings of our Holy Torah. Lest our silence be misconstrued as passive acceptance of the violence, we condemn it in the strongest terms, as do the vast, overwhelming, majority of Torah Jews worldwide.”

[+/-]

Busy

Monday, July 06, 2009

[+/-]

Unattached

Sunday, July 05, 2009

[+/-]

Inflammatory Discussion**

In another disappointing Cross-Currents piece, R' Doron Beckerman of OJ seems to attack bloggers as a whole for attempting to force their opinions on Jewish communal public policy, stating simply

I believe that actual calls for adherence should be channeled through Torah leaders, whatever camp they may come from. There are lines of communication to all the English-speaking Torah leaders, both in the US and in Eretz Yisrael. I do not think it appropriate for any blogger who is not a Torah authority to be determining practical public policy, whether on Klal issues or how to relate to particular incidents relating to individuals.

What R' Beckerman seems to miss throughout the piece, in which he implies that bloggers are trying to do away with Torah leadership and create constructive change on their own while ignoring Torah leadership, is that his base assumptions are completely incorrect to begin with. Moreover, it is some of the side comments he makes which are particularly grating to people who are paying attention.

At one point in his essay he discusses a recent (/current) situation where a Rav allegedly stated that cheating on taxes is muttar. After explicitly noting

Those who have spoken up about this, say that they consulted with their Roshei Yeshiva who allowed for publicizing this issue.

he decries their doing so, arguing

I don’t understand why it is deemed necessary for people who are not at all considered equals of this Rabbi to act as jury and judge. Torah leadership demands that other Torah leaders take such a stand publicly, not k’tanim.

Skipping for a moment the backwards view that someone could be "better" than others, and that non-Torah leaders are "ktanim", who is acting as jury or judge? People are disseminating information about an incident that they - and their rabbonim - find to be important. Where is the Torah leadership that R' Beckerman is referring to regarding what happened? If it is false, as some have claimed, then have the Rav publicly state that cheating on taxes is assur. Have other Rabbonim come out and make such a statement. It is very easy to defuse the situation with a clear statement, much as is the case in other situations. Where are the lines of communication to gedolim that R' Beckerman claims exist? When people seek out their own Rabbonim, that apparently is not good enough; what is?

R' Beckerman notes the obvious flaw in his piece at the end:

People may ask a whopper of a question on this essay. Shouldn’t Gedolim be issuing statements like this? Aren’t you issuing a call for public policy here, in defiance of your own suggested guidelines?

Yes, I am. But only because asking for respect for Torah leadership is, perhaps, the one public policy vehicle the K’tanim should be driving.

Sadly, not only does his conclusion not satisfactorily answer his second question, it doesn't address the first one whatsoever. Where are the gedolim? Why isn't there any leadership? Why are the only statements from gedolim filtered through kol korehs on mostly irrelevant issues which R' Elyashiv acknowledges have little impact?

R' Beckerman seems to misunderstand what people are trying to accomplish when they write about issues which are troublesome in the frum community.* The objective is not to throw off the yoke of Torah and to replace Torah leadership at the head of our communities. It is to call out for a strong Torah leadership which acts in the best interests of the community at large. Someone named Chaim Fisher commented on Cross-Currents very simply:

I would like to question the implication here that somehow bloggers are having too much influence and power. Why? Blogs don’t have power; ideas have power.

If some am haaretz with little background writes a fantastic svorah and other people like it, great. And if he writes silliness then nobody’s going to pay any attention to him.

The ideas on blogs which are attracting attention and picking up momentum are ones which are resonating with a struggling community looking for ideas and assistance on issues which matter in their day-to-day lives. The gedolim are being presented with a plethora of ideas and some really excellent discussion on every subject; they merely need to step up and lead from a place where people know it's a) coming from them and b) demonstrate that they understand the issues and possibilities being presented before expressing what they think will work and why.

People are looking for Torah leadership to help implement the ideas and solutions necessary to turn things around. Where is it?

* I'm excluding deliberately inflammatory and contrarian blogs, whose only objectives seem to be hits, money, and attention. It's quite easy and proper to ignore such blogs.

** Note: The title of this post is Inflammatory Discussion because of how the Cross-Currents piece came across. What is particularly hard to determine from the piece is what R' Beckerman expected to accomplish other than start an inflammatory discussion on blogs about blogs, including posts such as this one. Perhaps he truly felt compelled to post much as one might feel compelled to respond as I have here, but that is difficult to believe in light of comments such as the implications that people aren't willing to shift to the right because it's a problem for "the hit counter", or the poor joke about violating J-blog ettiquette by quoting from an ArtSctroll biography. The snark is unnecessary and uncalled for if the objective is to point out what one views as a serious flaw.

Finally, if R' Beckerman had simply been dan l'kaf zchus on what most bloggers write about these subjects for he could have easily understood that his own throwaway lines actually summed it up perfectly:

A more critical problem – it isn’t healthy. Input from the layman is critical to proper decision-making, and sometimes the best ideas come from them. [...]
Besides, the status quo may need some fixing.